[Editor's Note: Dat Roro Kid turned in this post to me on Monday. But in the jumbled unnerving malaise that has been the shitty feeling of losing to the fucking Jets, losing Donald Thomas for the season, and a genuine week-long hangover from my weekend binging, I am posting it now. It's still relevant in that it's about Brett Favre so, you know, fuck him. And that the QB we're facing this week, Kurt Warner, is a fool for the Jesus. The pic above is from CatholicShoppers.com, by the way. They have great rates on these little statues and, if you choose overnight delivery, a priest will personally deliver it to you and fondle your son and or nephew. A great deal! Anyway....]
Nearly two millennia ago, when the collective civilizations of Earth were in their nascent stages, in the town of Nazareth there lived an old goatfucker goatherder named Old Favre. Old Favre was a simple man who lived by the laws of Judaism and spent his days herding his goats, his nights loving men. One night, while Old Favre was out ‘trolling’ the cradle of civilization, he spotted the Nazarene Jesus frolicking with various women of ill repute as they engaged in some Dyonisian orgy of excess and fornication. This stunned Old Favre for he thought the young Jesus (somewhere in the age of 21 – 30) to be a pious man; a man that was beginning to gain a following and was preaching a new gospel to the people of Nazareth. Old Favre approached Jesus during mid-coitus and stunned the young prophet.
“Holy Shit!” said Old Favre unto Jesus. “What are thee doing with these skanks? And what sort of position dost thou call that disgusting thing those midgets are doing to one another while thee sits back and has grapes tossed into thy mouth? Wine poured all over thy body? I thought thee was a simple man that was versed in the ways of God and longed for a pious life!”
Stunned, Jesus halted his activities and turned to Old Favre:
“Please, Old Favre. I plead thee to never speak of this. It is true that I am a man of honor and a soldier of the Lord. I am seated at the right hand of the Father. Yet, even I, his son, am given to wanton ways of the flesh. This body has imprisoned my soul in desires and rituals that no man should take part in. I figured I would stop at 33 or so but no one must learn of these ‘lost years’. They must be kept secret for I am here to save humanity from their sins and offer everlasting love and humility for all mankind. My word must be pure; my actions just. I beg thou to not speak of what thou hath witnessed tonight.”
Old Favre considered this for some time and replied, “Well, what can thou do for me?”
Jesus smiled and answered, “In nearly 2000 years from now, there will be an American game called football. Thou will liveth until this time and cast a shadow over this once glorious game. Fools (we shall call them ‘pundits’, ‘sportscasters’ and ‘sportswriters’) will marvel at thy boyhood-like zeal for the game. They will call thee a ‘gunslinger’ and somehow this term will be endearing. Thou will, by my gracious hand, be able to make ridiculous 4th down plays. Rules of clock management will not apply to thee. It will be a veritable shit-show of extreme delight for all those that do not truly enjoy the game of football but prefer to focus on projecting God-like attributes to a hillbilly honky like thyself. And it will be good”.
Old Favre, confused for he did not know what a ‘4th Down’ was, stared back at Jesus puzzled.
“Worry not”, said Jesus. “Much like the attendees of the ‘Enchantment Under The Sea Dance’ in the 1985 film “Back To The Future” after Marty McFly’s guitar solo, you too will come to understand what this all means.”
Peace be with you.