Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Game Day Open Thread

Talk it out, bitches...

-The DUDE

Weekender: A Father's Concern

 
As most of you know, I've got a young lad I like to call the Little Dude. He just started school this year, and it's been great. Now, the Little Dude is best friends with this other kid who lives across the street from us. They're in the same class. He's a nice kid and all but he can be a bit touchy-feely. He's not a fruit or anything. He's just like his dad, who's a good guy but always seems to feel the need to constantly grab my arm or shoulder whenever he talks to me. I try to avoid my neighbors as much as possible. Anyway, as DRK can attest to, my kid is a rather handsome little guy. Everyday when I pick him up from school, the little girls are all, "Bye Little Duuude!!" And they wave and blush as we walk home. He waves back and smiles. Little stud.

Anyway, today my neighbor asked if I could pick up his kid and keep him until his mother gets back from her gyno or some shit. So I said yes because I'm a shitheel and a sucker. When I get to the school to pick them up, all the kids are in the playground. And this neighbor kid is following my son around like a puppy. When the other kids -- particularly the girls -- walk up to talk to my son, this kid puts his arm around my son's shoulders. I know they're only little kids but fuck me if they don't look like a couple. I shared my concerns with the Dudette but she told me I'm a homophobic douche. Unfortunately, my son seems to have been born void of the asshole gene, which is rampant in my side of the family, and is too darn polite to tell his friend to fuck off. Or at the very least to let him fucking breathe. So here I am, watching this little kid smothering my son and totally shredding his mojo with the ladies. And it kind of ruined my day. The Little Dude just better shed this fucking cockblocker by the time they're in high school. All I'm saying.

Anyway, just thought I'd share this with you, Nation. Perhaps some of you can shed a little light on it.

I got a slide show of Megan Fox's recent GQ photospread here for your enjoyment. That's Megan dressed like a nerdy chick up above. And, again, as DRK can atest to, I got a thing for chicks with glasses. Have a great weekend, Nation. And Go Fins. Win a game already you fucking shitbags!

DRK's Prediction: Pats 24 - Fins 21
Dude's Prediction: Pats 23 - Fins 13

-The DUDE

Weekender: A Father's Concern

 
As most of you know, I've got a young lad I like to call the Little Dude. He just started school this year, and it's been great. Now, the Little Dude is best friends with this other kid who lives across the street from us. They're in the same class. He's a nice kid and all but he can be a bit touchy-feely. He's not a fruit or anything. He's just like his dad, who's a good guy but always seems to feel the need to constantly grab my arm or shoulder whenever he talks to me. I try to avoid my neighbors as much as possible. Anyway, as DRK can attest to, my kid is a rather handsome little guy. Everyday when I pick him up from school, the little girls are all, "Bye Little Duuude!!" And they wave and blush as we walk home. He waves back and smiles. Little stud.

Anyway, today my neighbor asked if I could pick up his kid and keep him until his mother gets back from her gyno or some shit. So I said yes because I'm a shitheel and a sucker. When I get to the school to pick them up, all the kids are in the playground. And this neighbor kid is following my son around like a puppy. When the other kids -- particularly the girls -- walk up to talk to my son, this kid puts his arm around my son's shoulders. I know they're only little kids but fuck me if they don't look like a couple. I shared my concerns with the Dudette but she told me I'm a homophobic douche. Unfortunately, my son seems to have been born void of the asshole gene, which is rampant in my side of the family, and is too darn polite to tell his friend to fuck off. Or at the very least to let him fucking breathe. So here I am, watching this little kid smothering my son and totally shredding his mojo with the ladies. And it kind of ruined my day. The Little Dude just better shed this fucking cockblocker by the time they're in high school. All I'm saying.

Anyway, just thought I'd share this with you, Nation. Perhaps some of you can shed a little light on it.

I got a slide show of Megan Fox's recent GQ photospread here for your enjoyment. That's Megan dressed like a nerdy chick up above. And, again, as DRK can atest to, I got a thing for chicks with glasses. Have a great weekend, Nation. And Go Fins. Win a game already you fucking shitbags!

DRK's Prediction: Pats 24 - Fins 21
Dude's Prediction: Pats 23 - Fins 13

-The DUDE

Dolphins at Patriots: Keys to the Game

When will the misery end, Thomas Paine?  When can we have our own Common Sense approach to the myriad of problems facing our once great team? 

I have never invested myself in Miami Dolphins football as much as I do now.  As my fellow Dolphins fan friend remarked to me last weekend:  �I used to look forward to Sundays.�  Am I relegated to mediocre fandom and casual interest?  Is that my sad future?  Or are you testing my will, my perseverance, my innate ability to withstand temptation, scorn, humiliation and a Hobbesian �long train of abuses�??  I�m at a loss.  I�m this close to strutting over to St. Patrick�s Cathedral here in New York, stumbling to the altar and falling down before it with palms laid out and tears streaming.  In the late 80s and early 90s, maybe my family didn�t have electricity for stretches of time, endured incredible financial hardship and vividly recall memories of my father going out into the night to ask work friends for $20 to feed his family, but at least the Dolphins were goddamn respectable.  At least I could turn on the TV on a Sunday and watch some magical shit for a few hours. 

Keys To The Game

�    Would be nice if someone other than a 3rd round pick from a little shit school could actually, you know, put some pressure on the QB so perhaps, once the offense is in, our O-line could actually do a decent job of opening holes for the ridiculously talented tandem we have behind them to run through and hopefully gain more than a yard so our noodle-armed QB doesn�t have to sit back there and fling a 1lb football he can no longer throw further than 10 feet on a good day, when it�s sunny, and there isn�t even a chance of a ladybug offending his throwing motion despite receivers that don�t actually enjoy the sound or feel of leather hitting their hands at even inoffensive velocities because this would be paramount to our defense not being on the field so long or getting coverage calls messed up or even contemplating the idea that Jason Allen could sniff the field other than to declare yea, it�s good to go, it�s perfect for shitting on before the whole team takes the field for the kickoff, pulls their pants down, and proceeds to systematically straddle every single yard marker while turding up the place like they�ve been doing 20 out of 21 games in a feat that may astonish some of the New England fans of whiter persuasion (read: all) but the Dolphins couldn�t care because that�s just what we do on any given Sunday.

That was a poor attempt at a David Foster Wallace version of the �Keys�.  I�ll admit I was never a big fan but, since we here at FinsNation are all literary minds of character, substance and historical accuracy, I would encourage you to explore the real thing through the link provided here.  The guy definitely seemed a bit pretentious at times but he veered towards the �likeable� end of the spectrum (the YouTube Charlie Rose stuff is especially interesting).  Plus, scaring the bejesus out of your wife by hanging yourself when she goes out to run an errand or two is kinda funny, no?  Hmm.  You�re right.  I would have added Bob Dylan�s �Blind Willie McTell� playing over and over again on repeat through the stereo so when she walked in it would give it a bit more gusto � particularly that last verse of the song if I could time the entrance properly. 

A poor showing on Sunday and this might start to seem like a really great idea.

Prediction: Pats 24 - Dolphins 21

-DRK

Dolphins at Patriots: Keys to the Game

When will the misery end, Thomas Paine?  When can we have our own Common Sense approach to the myriad of problems facing our once great team? 

I have never invested myself in Miami Dolphins football as much as I do now.  As my fellow Dolphins fan friend remarked to me last weekend:  “I used to look forward to Sundays.”  Am I relegated to mediocre fandom and casual interest?  Is that my sad future?  Or are you testing my will, my perseverance, my innate ability to withstand temptation, scorn, humiliation and a Hobbesian ‘long train of abuses’??  I’m at a loss.  I’m this close to strutting over to St. Patrick’s Cathedral here in New York, stumbling to the altar and falling down before it with palms laid out and tears streaming.  In the late 80s and early 90s, maybe my family didn’t have electricity for stretches of time, endured incredible financial hardship and vividly recall memories of my father going out into the night to ask work friends for $20 to feed his family, but at least the Dolphins were goddamn respectable.  At least I could turn on the TV on a Sunday and watch some magical shit for a few hours. 

Keys To The Game

•    Would be nice if someone other than a 3rd round pick from a little shit school could actually, you know, put some pressure on the QB so perhaps, once the offense is in, our O-line could actually do a decent job of opening holes for the ridiculously talented tandem we have behind them to run through and hopefully gain more than a yard so our noodle-armed QB doesn’t have to sit back there and fling a 1lb football he can no longer throw further than 10 feet on a good day, when it’s sunny, and there isn’t even a chance of a ladybug offending his throwing motion despite receivers that don’t actually enjoy the sound or feel of leather hitting their hands at even inoffensive velocities because this would be paramount to our defense not being on the field so long or getting coverage calls messed up or even contemplating the idea that Jason Allen could sniff the field other than to declare yea, it’s good to go, it’s perfect for shitting on before the whole team takes the field for the kickoff, pulls their pants down, and proceeds to systematically straddle every single yard marker while turding up the place like they’ve been doing 20 out of 21 games in a feat that may astonish some of the New England fans of whiter persuasion (read: all) but the Dolphins couldn’t care because that’s just what we do on any given Sunday.

That was a poor attempt at a David Foster Wallace version of the ‘Keys’.  I’ll admit I was never a big fan but, since we here at FinsNation are all literary minds of character, substance and historical accuracy, I would encourage you to explore the real thing through the link provided here.  The guy definitely seemed a bit pretentious at times but he veered towards the ‘likeable’ end of the spectrum (the YouTube Charlie Rose stuff is especially interesting).  Plus, scaring the bejesus out of your wife by hanging yourself when she goes out to run an errand or two is kinda funny, no?  Hmm.  You’re right.  I would have added Bob Dylan’s ‘Blind Willie McTell’ playing over and over again on repeat through the stereo so when she walked in it would give it a bit more gusto – particularly that last verse of the song if I could time the entrance properly. 

A poor showing on Sunday and this might start to seem like a really great idea.

Prediction: Pats 24 - Dolphins 21

-DRK

Tony Sparano.......Secrets

 

 

.....secrets...

To unwind and relax, I like to sketch pictures of butterflies fucking.

...secrets.....

I like it when the fat black lady at the Burger King drive-thru window calls me baby. I call her mama.

..secrets...

When my dog is asleep, I like to milk it.

...secrets....

When my hamster is asleep, I like to shit on it.

..secrets....

I really don't think we've given cannibalism a fair try.

....secrets....

Timeouts are for Kansas City faggots and the French.

secrets.....

-The DUDE

FN Open Letter to Joey Porter: Please Shut The F*** Up

 
Dolphins windbag/pony-killer Joey Porter opened his stupid fucking mouth again yesterday and proclaimed thusly to the football-speaking world:

"We're going to come after [Matt Cassel]. I don't want to say something that will come back and bite me. It'll be good to go out and get our first victory.

That's really fuckin' cute, Joey.  With that wonderful little statement, you threw out any and all hope of lulling the Patriots to sleep and actually snatching a victory from the very sure jaws of defeat. 

You've been notorious over the years for these "guarantees," Joey. You know, galvanizing statements that are supposed to bring the team together and instill fear into the hearts of your opponents?  Well, in case you failed to realize this on your own -- and I think that you have -- the Patriots have about 4,926 All-Pros on their team and we have approximately .314905834893004ths of 1. 

In conclusion, as a lifelong fan of the Dolphins that basically lives and dies by this team for about 6 months out of the year (you do the math on the misery/happiness quotient), I'd like to ask you, Joey, on behalf of all of us that have chosen to live similar lifestyles, to do the following:

PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

Cordially yours,

FinsNation

PS: Eat a bowl of dicks and make some goddamn plays.

-DRK

FN Open Letter to Joey Porter: Please Shut The F*** Up

 
Dolphins windbag/pony-killer Joey Porter opened his stupid fucking mouth again yesterday and proclaimed thusly to the football-speaking world:

"We're going to come after [Matt Cassel]. I don't want to say something that will come back and bite me. It'll be good to go out and get our first victory”.

That’s really fuckin’ cute, Joey.  With that wonderful little statement, you threw out any and all hope of lulling the Patriots to sleep and actually snatching a victory from the very sure jaws of defeat. 

You’ve been notorious over the years for these ‘guarantees,’ Joey. You know, galvanizing statements that are supposed to bring the team together and instill fear into the hearts of your opponents?  Well, in case you failed to realize this on your own – and I think that you have – the Patriots have about 4,926 All-Pros on their team and we have approximately .314905834893004ths of 1. 

In conclusion, as a lifelong fan of the Dolphins that basically lives and dies by this team for about 6 months out of the year (you do the math on the misery/happiness quotient), I’d like to ask you, Joey – on behalf of all of us that have chosen to live similar lifestyles – to do the following:

PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

Cordially yours,

FinsNation

PS: Eat a bowl of dicks and make some goddamn plays.

-DRK

Ted Ginn Jr. is Aquaman

When your superpowers amount to breathing under water and talking to fish, you're pretty fucking useless. Ted Ginn has become our Aquaman:

"Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano showed some impatience with his 14th-ranked passing offense, even though his new quarterback and young receiving corps are still figuring each other out.

The Dolphins are one of only six teams in the NFL that hasn't completed a pass 25 yards or longer and the team average of 3.1 yards after the catch is 30th in the league.

"I need someone to step up and make a big play," Sparano said. "I'm hoping to see some of our receivers step up, make a big play, break a tackle, run after the catch."

Despite being selected in the first round last year, the role of receiver Ted Ginn Jr. has vastly diminished. After being removed from kick-returning duties, Ginn caught only one pass for 9 yards in Sunday's loss to the Arizona Cardinals."

Fuck Cam Cameron. Fuck him with a frozen halibut.

-The DUDE

Ted Ginn Jr. is Aquaman

When your superpowers amount to breathing under water and talking to fish, you're pretty fucking useless. Ted Ginn has become our Aquaman:

"Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano showed some impatience with his 14th-ranked passing offense, even though his new quarterback and young receiving corps are still figuring each other out.

The Dolphins are one of only six teams in the NFL that hasn't completed a pass 25 yards or longer and the team average of 3.1 yards after the catch is 30th in the league.

"I need someone to step up and make a big play," Sparano said. "I'm hoping to see some of our receivers step up, make a big play, break a tackle, run after the catch."

Despite being selected in the first round last year, the role of receiver Ted Ginn Jr. has vastly diminished. After being removed from kick-returning duties, Ginn caught only one pass for 9 yards in Sunday's loss to the Arizona Cardinals."

Fuck Cam Cameron. Fuck him with a frozen halibut.

-The DUDE