Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Ooga Booga!!

Happy Halloween, Nation. It's time once again to dress like a hobo, (or a pirate), and keep the ancient Celtic tradition of contributing to childhood obesity and shitting in your neighbor's mailbox! It's gonna be great!

Last year, my kid dressed up as a Power Ranger. Tonight, it's Batman. Whatever. The main objective remains the same. Get candy. It's kiddie crack. And God help any man who tries to get in his way....

Keys To The Game: Fins at Broncos

Anquan Boldin, Andre Johnson, Derrick Mason. What do they have in common? Other than probably being able to hammer a nail into a wall with their respective cocks? They're tall, physical, fast, play-making receivers. They're horses. Big fucking horses. And they all played a game commonly known in prison yards as "let's see how much stuff we can ram up the new guy's ass" with our defense. In all three of our losses, the Dolphins were constantly man-handled (wow, 80 words in and this post is already 200% gayer than usual!) to the tune of a combined 405 yards and 5 touchdowns by these guys. This Sunday, they face yet another studly horsey receiver in 6-4, 230 pound Brandon Marshall.

All this week, the Fins have been using Brandon London and Derek Hagan to simulate Marhsall during practices. And so far, they've been successful.

In defending Brandon London. And Derek Hagan.

I'll wait while you let that sink in.

That's like saying you're practicing to fuck your hot date by humping your mattress. It's just not the same thing. Believe me, I know. I have the chafe marks to prove it. No, when it comes down to it, Marshall is simply a stud receiver that cannot be duplicated until my cloning machine is fully functional, and the only way we're going to contain him is to put pressure on Bronco QB Jay Cutler. Aside from being an exceptional big-mouthed uber-douche, Cutler is a pretty talented QB. He could've been a Dolphin back in 2006 for the low-low price of a draft slot swap and a couple of later round picks. But we stood pat and took Jason Allen instead, plus we had Daunte Culpepper, so we were fine at QB. Just fine, thanks (fuck you in the pants with a rubber bull cock, Nick Saban!! Fuck you good a raw!!). But I digress. Point is, Cutler runs an explosive offense and it's going to take all the might of Joey Porter's teenage girl eating ways to keep things in check. Oh, and guess who's going to be assigned the task of covering Marshall? Why Jason Allen! Funny how things always seem to come full circle and then takes a massive diarrhea shower all over us Dolphins fans. Fuckity fuck-fuck-a-roo!!

Meanwhile on offense, I've got a neat little concept I'd like to share with Tony Sparano and company: Give the fucking ball to Ronnie fucking Brown! Enough of this 12-13 carries a game shit. Ronnie Brown is built like a workhorse back. That's what he is. That's what he do. Treat him like one. Ronnie needs to be fed and fed often. I love Ricky Williams and Patrick Cobbs. But, honestly, fuck those guys. That's right. Fuck them. I want a win. And it's not going to come when we're facing 3rd and 1 and we've got Ricky in the backfield while Ronnie is smiling on the sidelines with a Gatorade cup in his hand. Ronnie needs to touch the ball at least 23 times in this game. He's matched up against Denver linebacker Nate Webster, who pretty much plays football like Webster. Run it at him with Ronnie and do it all day. The Broncos' run D is giving up 154 yards per game, which translates to about 5.5 yards per carry. Ronnie is averaging 4.2 yards per carry. Do the math. It's really quite simple. Oh and here's another benefit to feeding Ronnie: control the clock while keeping Cutler and Marshall on the sidelines. Then, once we soften up their defense with a whole lotta Ronnie, we can then take advantage of their Champ Bailey-less secondary and take shots down field. But it starts and ends with Black Thunder. Otherwise, we could be in for a long day.

Sorry to put a flaming bag of shit on the doorstep of our happiness, but I think the Dolphins are gonna lose this one. Our secondary can't cover the big horses and our offense has a nagging habit of stalling and running around playing grabass instead of football when they need to convert a 3rd down. It's gonna be up to the one guy on our team who knows how to handle horses to get us the win.  

Prediction: Dolphins 24 - Broncos 30

J-Peezy Sees Your Player of the Week and Raises You A Month

Seriously.  Do not fuck with this guy.

According to various media outlets (including this one), our boy J-Peezy has won himself the AFC Defensive Player of the Month Award for October.  Let's do the math:

4 games + 14 tackles + 5 1/2 sacks + 2 forced fumbles + 1 fumble recovery = the biggest fucking sweaty, girthy cock you've seen in your goddamn life.  He pisses excellence and shits out beautiful 19-year old teenage girls.  Then he fucks them.  Then he eats them.

This man is starving.  So on to Denver we go and Ryan Clady's head on a Joey Porter-carved pitchfork.

Pennington Wins AFC Offensive Player of the Week

Jeff Darlington of the Miami Herald is reporting that Chad Pennington has won Week 8's AFC Offensive Player of the Week.  Pennington was 22 of 30 for 314 yards and one touchdown in our absolute shit-housing of the Buffalo Bills.  Thankfully, Thurman Thomas nor Kenneth Davis were around to do anything about it. 

 Hopefully we eat up a couple more greasy double cheeseburgers with white rice and beans this week and get our shit on with the 28th ranked Denver passing defense - allowing 240 passing yards and 28 points per game.  Who knows?  With that defense, there's a chance to sweep both the FedEx Air and Ground prizes for the week.

 Also, don't forget to vote for Joey!!!  The man WILL kill the pony at your child's party - either now or in the future.  It's just a matter of time if you don't vote.

Chad Pennington Is Better

Lost in all the nuttyness of the BRETT FAVRE IS A JET!!! thing were the thoughts roaming in the back of my head at the time. Mainly, that Chad Pennington was going to somehow end up having a better season than The Ultimate Diva. And boobies. Always boobies on my mind. Big ones, little ones, bouncy ones..... mmmmmm.....  boobies.....

Even though I had serious doubts about signing Pennington -- thanks to a scarred psyche brought on by the likes of Jay Fiedler, AJ Feeley, Joey Harrington, Daunte Culpepper, Brian Griese.... you know the list -- I also felt that if he could stay healthy, he would be solid enough and be the guy to lead our team. At least until The Robot was fully charged and ready to take over the job (and then melting us all with his heat ray).

Well, so far, it's official: Chad Pennington has been very good, while Favre has been very mediocre. Pennington has had his flaws but, overall, he's been a spark. Meanwhile, Favre almost lost to the fucking Chiefs and was booed by Jets fans on Sunday. 

Our man Salguero weighs in on the matter:

Pennington's completion percentage (69.3) is higher than Favre's (68.5). Pennington has thrown for more yards (1,710) than Favre (1,611) despite having 33 fewer attempts.

Pennington has more completions of 20-yards or more (20) than Favre (17) and more passes of 40-yards or more (5) than Favre (4).

Favre does have more TD passes (15) than Pennington (7). But he also has thrown more interceptions (11) than Pennington (3). Pennington's rating for the season is 100.5 while Favre's rating is 89.5.

Salguero then asks his readers to choose between Chad and Brett if they had to pick one to start right now for a championship game. He also asks them to be fair and balanced by sighting Fox News.

So to recap, Armando Salguero started to write a pretty good blog post about Chad Pennington and then it turned into a midget-sized turd, as usual.

Also, Pennington is better than Favre. So Favre can suck it.

(Don't forget to vote for Chad)

Douchebaggy Jets fans trolls in 3....2.....1.....

A Gift Basket for J-Peezy

 

Note:  Also from Monday.  Just getting our dick jokes up to speed here, ladies and gents.

 

In honor of J-Peezy's absolutely monstrous performance Sunday, I'd like to present him with this gift basket on behalf of all of FinsNation.  Gift basket includes:

 

·        Assorted meats and cheeses to contain the voracious appetite that you struggle to quell on a daily basis.  Excluding Sundays, of course, when its full fury is unleashed.

·        Soothing and relaxing wines and champagnes for the post-game win to share and enjoy with loved ones - including your girlfriend and/or wife.  A man-beast like you (we're assuming) requires two women, at the very least.

·        A veritable cornucopia of chocolates and sweets for that cute smile you've got after a post game win, you silly goose!  I like your smile like Shanice does.

·        Assorted scented candles, soothing massage oils and potpourri to assuage the hefty - yet pleasing - stench that having such huge cum-sacks no doubt requires.  After a long, hard day of eating left tackles and killing little, faggy Stanford quarterbacks you deserve a nice warm bath by various women ala Eddie Murphy in 'Coming to America', followed by soothing aromatic pleasures as you gently sip on fine wines and listen to Shostakovich.

 

 

We hope you'll find this to be a pleasant gift indicative of your outstanding performance on Sunday.  We are so pleased to have you, we figured it was the least we could do.

 

Your performance-appropriate gift ideas for Ted Ginn, Jr. and Dan Carpenter in the comments.

 

It's good to be back, kids.

 

ROCK HANDS CATCHES PASS!!!!!

Note:  I sent this to The Dude yesterday morning but due to our issues here, let's pretend it's Monday morning.

 

ROCK HANDS CATCHES PASS!!!

 

ROCK HANDS.....ANGRRRRYYYY!!!!

 

 

GRRAAARRRRRRR!!!!!

 

Chad Pennington is up for FedEx NFL Air Player of the Week

Two things happen to me whenever the Dolphins win:

1.) I get happy.
2.) I get an e-mail from sexy Rebecca.

It seems more imperative now that the Dolphins should win every damn week.

Anyway, here's Rebecca's e-mail:

Hi the dude"

It's your favorite source of information Rebecca here letting you know that Chad Pennington was nominated as one of the FedEx Air & Ground NFL Players of the Week for his performance in Week 8.  It's been a while but I'm hoping you can help spread the word to all your readers to get out there and vote! (Especially because Safe Kids is such a good message). Thanks again for all your help!

I look forward to hearing from you and please let me know if you have questions or need anything else.

Thanks,

Rebecca

So, Nation, it's up to you. Fulfill your civic duty and vote for Chad Pennington. Do it now! Do it often! He's got an uphill battle what with Drew Brees and Matt Schaub having big games last week. So if Chad doesn't win, it'll be all your fault. And you don't want to go through life as the guy who only voted for Chad Pennington once. What's the matter with you? Jesus!

And here's to the Dolphins always having somebody up for FedEx Ground or Air Player of the Week every week. Because, at the end of the day, it's really all about me getting e-mails from Rebecca. I mean, the kids. It's all about the kids.

It's J-Peezy's World, It Would Be Best for Everyone if You Recognize

Joey Porter just continues to hand out shitloads of pain by the bushel. It's like he opened a price-club where the pain is sold by the bulk at store-brand prices, and business is good. And it only took him a year to do it. But it's fine. Because now that J-Peezy and his bullet riddled ass is playing under a coaching staff that knows what the fuck it's doing, the man has become destruction incarnate. And it's rubbing off on the rest of the team like a rapidly spreading Cleveland Brown staph infection.

His two sacks -- one which forced a fumble in the endzone for a safety -- now have him at 10 1/2 for the season, tying his career high and placing him second in the NFL in sacks so far this season. It's amazing to think that just a year ago, Porter's game was not unlike a guy trying to fuck an ostrich. But now, he's suddenly in the Defensive Player of the Year talk, single handedly unraveling our enemies with his badassery and scaring the bejesus out of Trent Edwards and little horses everywhere. It got to a point yesterday where we just knew he was going to make a play. I knew it, you knew it, the guy who sells churros on the corner knew it. And yet it didn't stop us from losing our minds when he did. Porter even asked Sparano if he could play some running back during the game. Sparano declined. Probably because Sparano didn't want us to overdose on awesomeness. Still, would've been pretty cool.  

When the Fins were down 16-7 in the second half, however, we all started to get that old familiar feeling. That same feeling you get just when your flight is about to hit a string of pockets of turbulence. In years past, our guys would see a 9-point deficit in the second half of a game and promptly bend over and allow the opposing team have their way with them. But not the 2008 Miami Dolphins. No sir. Down 16-7, at home, against the division leading Buffalo Bills? Fuck! That! Led by Porter, the defense decided it was go time and showed the Buffalo offense a fun little game known as" first-night-in-prison" with back-to-back-to-back turnovers resulting in an 8-point swing.

And what's this? Ted Ginn Jr. had a 175 yard game? He led the NFL in receiving yards on Sunday? Well slap my ass and call me Betty! That's outstanding! Is it too early to say he's arrived? Hell yes it is. But for now, we sit back and enjoy Teddy's moment in the sun. Even if he still runs like a guy being chased by a swarm of bees. Teddy got it done. Hats off to him and the entire Ginn Family. But not Cam Cameron and Randy Mueller. Fuck those guys.

As for the play-calling: I found myself yelling at the TV screen more often than I cared for yesterday. Third down conversions seem to be a real challenge for this team. And penalties! Christ Almighty the penalties! Enough already with the penalties! And for the life of me, I will never understand why Sparano has Ricky on the field on 3rd and short, instead of Ronnie Black Thunder. But we won't dwell on the negatives. Not right now, anyway. We kicked ass. And that's all that matters. Even Salguero managed to pull a little sunshine out of his ass over this win.

Dolphins win 25-16. They hand a hardy beat down to the dreaded Bills for the first time since 2005 (sheeee-it!) and put themselves right back into the thick of it. And it's all thanks to Joey Porter and his undaunted badassery.

We're living in crazy times, people. Crazy times.

Site News

First things first. FN will be running at 100% capacity by Tuesday, come hell or high water. If that means we ditch the sleak new looks of MVN and go back to our old shitty looking digs, then we will. That's a promise.

Just know that the kinks we've been suffering are not the doing of MVN, but rather the host they moved to. MVN has assured me that FinsNation is their top priority. The main issue now seems to be a glich in commenting. If you're having any trouble registering or commenting, please let me know and I'll let the dudes at MVN know so that everything can be fixed and nobody has to throw flaming bags of shit at anyone or anything.

With all that said, I'll have the game re-cap Monday morning and will get back to blogging as usual from then on. I appreciate your patience and even your passion for FN. You guys seriously rock. Or at the very least need to get lives. Oh, and DRK is not dead. He'll be here sometime later this week. So please stop sending the flower arrangements and comemorative dildos.