Just as it was two weeks ago with the Patriots, the Chargers were supposed to use our nut sack as a speed bag while handing us our own ass before running off with our hot girlfriend. On paper, there was just no disputing it. The San Diego powerhouse offense against our flammable secondary? Please! Phillip Rivers and his awkward, yet effective, delivery and overall dickish disposition? It’s been in full bloom lately. Antonio Gates against our slow-ass linebackers? Yup. And, of course, LaDanian Tomlinson running roughshod over anything and everything with a Dolphins logo on it. Yo! Really, on paper, there was no reason to play this game at all. Why even show up?
But Black Thunder and his 125 yards and one TD takes umbrage with all that silly on-paper nonsense. That, after all, is why you play the game. The Dolphins don't bend to the will of the "experts" or odds makers. Because the Dolphins play by their own rules. The Dolphins are a renegade cop, and the odds makers are the perturbed chief of police trying to keep them from enforcing their own brand of vigilante justice.
It seems like these are no longer your Dave Wannstedt/Cam Cameron milquetoast Dolphins. There's a little bit of a Cool Hand Luke in these guys. There's a little bit of a Fuck You World about them. And while it's been only two wins, there's at least three reasons to believe that -- yes -- a new Dolphins era of badassery has truly arrived:
1.) Missed Field Goals? Turnovers? Meh. Who Gives a Shit?: For a second there, we all had the flashbacks (c'mon, you can admit it. we're family.). After Dan Carpenter missed that sure-fire 42 yard field goal, and then Chris Chambers, of all fucking people, scored a TD a few minutes later, you thought "Well fuck me in the pants, here we go again." You also thought it when Devone Bess fumbled the ensuing kickoff. Another Dolphins collapse, you thought. It was the typical Dolphins "This Shit Only Happens To Us" moment rearing it's ugly head again. So you braced yourself for the worst. We all did. But alas, whereas the Dolphins of the past would willingly bend over and grab their ankles like the new guy in the prison shower at the first sign of adversity, these Dolphins seemed to actually fucking welcome it. It's as if they blew that field goal and muffed that kickoff just because someone dared them to. Then, it was first-and-goal on Miami's two, the Chargers and their vaunted offense, not to mention our standing as the biggest fuckups in recent NFL history, staring us in the face. Dolphins fans getting ready to drown in their sorrows. Gus Johnson getting ready to yelp. Me getting ready to punt the cat. And then, it happened. Fourth and 1, the ball in Tomlinson's hand and ... Ka-PLOW! The Dolphins D coming up huge, stuffing the league's best player and forcing the turnover on downs. Holy! And motherfuck! What happened? These are not the Dolphins I know and hate!!
2.) Chad Pennington is One Accurate Pasty White Boy: We all chided him for his noodley arm. We all wondered why the hell Parcells would give him so much money to play fill-in. We all wondered if he was just one more, in a string of seemingly thousands of, shitty re-tread quarterbacks that have tried to fill The Void left by The Right Arm of God. And yet, in this game especially, Chad Pennington showed us all why he's so darn cute good. The guy can't throw the deep ball for shit. I mean, really. Any pass over 15 yards from this guy looks like a turkey trying to take flight on acid. But the guy can thread the needle like it's nobody's business. 22 for 29, 228 yards, 1 TD and 0 INT. That's efficiency. That's 79.6 percent efficiency. It's pretty simple, actually. When the running game is working, Pennington and his accurate-ass noodle arm is nearly unstoppable. And, well, the running game seems to be doing very well, I think.
3.) The Wildcat Will Be the Undoing of Worlds: In case any one thought it was a one-time gimmick. In case any one thought it was just something we pulled out of our asses against the Patriots to give ourselves a chance to win: The Wildcat is here and it's here to stay. The Fins used the Wildcat 11 times yesterday, and the Chargers tasted the thunder on one of those plays, when Ronnie ran in that 5 yarder after Ricky Williams gave him that great human-torpedo block to open the daylight. San Diego had a week to prepare for the Wildcat. And at certain points in the game, it looked as if they had it stopped and the keg was empty and the party was over and it was time to send the hookers home. But, the Fins used it again and again and, eventually, it made San Diego's players and coaches heads explode because it's such a frustrating play to try and stop when it's being executed so well. This thing is going to be a fixture in our offense for a long time. We're already seeing other teams implementing it as well. Fuck those guys. Get your own trick formation, you assbags!
As was said right here on your friendly neighborhood Dolphins blog last week, the Fins have made it clear that they are no longer your gay cousin. They're your other cousin. The one that's always in jail and lives for starting bar brawls. They've gone from being an easy win to being a team nobody wants to face. In a word, they've become Cockpunchers.
And for those keeping score at home, that's two straight wins over the two teams that were in last season's AFC Championship game.
Boo-ya, motherfucker, I say. Boo-ya. Motherfucker.
-The DUDE
