Anquan Boldin, Andre Johnson, Derrick Mason. What do they have in common? Other than probably being able to hammer a nail into a wall with their respective cocks? They're tall, physical, fast, play-making receivers. They're horses. Big fucking horses. And they all played a game commonly known in prison yards as "let's see how much stuff we can ram up the new guy's ass" with our defense. In all three of our losses, the Dolphins were constantly man-handled (wow, 80 words in and this post is already 200% gayer than usual!) to the tune of a combined 405 yards and 5 touchdowns by these guys. This Sunday, they face yet another studly horsey receiver in 6-4, 230 pound Brandon Marshall.
All this week, the Fins have been using Brandon London and Derek Hagan to simulate Marhsall during practices. And so far, they've been successful.
In defending Brandon London. And Derek Hagan.
I'll wait while you let that sink in.
That's like saying you're practicing to fuck your hot date by humping your mattress. It's just not the same thing. Believe me, I know. I have the chafe marks to prove it. No, when it comes down to it, Marshall is simply a stud receiver that cannot be duplicated until my cloning machine is fully functional, and the only way we're going to contain him is to put pressure on Bronco QB Jay Cutler. Aside from being an exceptional big-mouthed uber-douche, Cutler is a pretty talented QB. He could've been a Dolphin back in 2006 for the low-low price of a draft slot swap and a couple of later round picks. But we stood pat and took Jason Allen instead, plus we had Daunte Culpepper, so we were fine at QB. Just fine, thanks (fuck you in the pants with a rubber bull cock, Nick Saban!! Fuck you good a raw!!). But I digress. Point is, Cutler runs an explosive offense and it's going to take all the might of Joey Porter's teenage girl eating ways to keep things in check. Oh, and guess who's going to be assigned the task of covering Marshall? Why Jason Allen! Funny how things always seem to come full circle and then takes a massive diarrhea shower all over us Dolphins fans. Fuckity fuck-fuck-a-roo!!
Meanwhile on offense, I've got a neat little concept I'd like to share with Tony Sparano and company: Give the fucking ball to Ronnie fucking Brown! Enough of this 12-13 carries a game shit. Ronnie Brown is built like a workhorse back. That's what he is. That's what he do. Treat him like one. Ronnie needs to be fed and fed often. I love Ricky Williams and Patrick Cobbs. But, honestly, fuck those guys. That's right. Fuck them. I want a win. And it's not going to come when we're facing 3rd and 1 and we've got Ricky in the backfield while Ronnie is smiling on the sidelines with a Gatorade cup in his hand. Ronnie needs to touch the ball at least 23 times in this game. He's matched up against Denver linebacker Nate Webster, who pretty much plays football like Webster. Run it at him with Ronnie and do it all day. The Broncos' run D is giving up 154 yards per game, which translates to about 5.5 yards per carry. Ronnie is averaging 4.2 yards per carry. Do the math. It's really quite simple. Oh and here's another benefit to feeding Ronnie: control the clock while keeping Cutler and Marshall on the sidelines. Then, once we soften up their defense with a whole lotta Ronnie, we can then take advantage of their Champ Bailey-less secondary and take shots down field. But it starts and ends with Black Thunder. Otherwise, we could be in for a long day.
Sorry to put a flaming bag of shit on the doorstep of our happiness, but I think the Dolphins are gonna lose this one. Our secondary can't cover the big horses and our offense has a nagging habit of stalling and running around playing grabass instead of football when they need to convert a 3rd down. It's gonna be up to the one guy on our team who knows how to handle horses to get us the win.
Prediction: Dolphins 24 - Broncos 30