(Yelling at the top of his lungs)
HEY DUDES!!!
HOW THE FUCK IS EVERYBODY???!!
HUH?!??!
WELL, I’M JUST HERE TO TELL YOU THE TREMENDOUSLY POSITIVE, FREE-OF-PROBABLE-FUTURE-HEALTH-AND-MENTAL-NEGATIVE-RAMIFICATIONS EFFECT THAT TAKING STEROIDS HAS PRODUCED IN ME.
SEE THAT PICTURE UP THERE??!?!?! WHAT?!?!?!
WELL, CAN YOU, YOU FUCK?!?!
YES?! OH! COOL! WELL, THAT’S MY TEAM PICTURE TAKEN EARLIER THIS YEAR. AT THE TIME, EVERYONE CALLED ME ‘T-REX’ IN THE LOCKER ROOM SINCE I WAS RATHER FEVERISH AND TENACIOUS YET MY FREAKISHLY-SHORT ARMS ONLY CAUSED MY TEAMMATES TO ERUPT IN LAUGHTER NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED PLAY AFTER PLAY IN PRACTICE AND GAMES.
THEN I DID A FEW CYCLES OF SOMETHING CALLED ‘DEPO-TESTOSTERONE CYPIONATE’ AND I FEEL FUCKIN’ GREAT!! DID YOU SEE THOSE 5 TACKLES I POSTED ON SUNDAY?!?!?! THREE OF THOSE WERE FOR A LOSS AND I EVEN HAD A SACK!!! AT LAST, I WAS A PLAYMAKER!!!
EVERYBODY SAYS I LOOK CERTIFIABLY INSANE IN PICTURES FROM SUNDAY’S GAME BUT I DON’T FUCKING SEE IT! SEE FOR YOURSELF, ASSHOLE:
I SWEAR I DON’T LOOK LIKE A ROIDED OUT MEGA-MAN. WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT?!?! I’LL FUCKING DESTROY WHOEVER SAID THAT ABOUT ME!!!
FACT IS, THERE ARE, IN REALITY, FEW SIDE EFFECTS TO THIS WHOLE ‘STEROID THING’. THE LIBERAL MEDIA WANT YOU TO THINK IT’S BAD FOR YOU. THAT IT CAN CAUSE ‘HARMFUL CHANGES IN YOUR CHOLESTEROL LEVEL’, ‘ALTERATIONS IN THE STRUCTURE OF THE HEART’, ‘SUDDEN CARDIAC DEATH’, ‘DEVELOPMENT OF BREAST TISSUE IN MEN’ (WHICH I THINK IS KINDA FUCKIN’ AWESOME???), ‘TESTICULAR ATROPHY’ AND OTHER BULLSHIT ABOUT DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY THAT MAY ULTIMATELY RESULT IN THE MURDER/SUICIDE OF IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBERS.
BUT I DON’T BELIEVE IT.
AND LOOK AT THE RESULTS I’M GETTING!!! LOOK AT ME NOW, FAGGOTS!!!
GORGEOUS, HUH?!!!
WHO’S MAKING PLAYS NOW, PUSSY??
YOU WANTED ME TO MAKE PLAYS?!?!?!
I’M MAKING PLAYS NOW!
(bangs chest)
I’M MAKING PLAYS NOW!
(bangs chest)
I’M MAKING PLAYS NOW!
(bangs chest)
I’M MAKING PLAYS NOW!
(bangs chest)
I’M MAKING PLAYS…
(devolves into a crying fit on the floor of locker room)
-DRK
