
Yea, you wanna look at the positive side and say, "Well, no one expected us to be in this position at the start of the season, so I'll take it." Or, "Well, if you told me before the season started that we'd be 6-5 after twelve weeks, I'll take it." Or "We won one game last year and this year we've won six so far, so I'll take it." And that's all good and fine. But fuck good and fine. Fuck good with a paint mixer and fuck fine with a belt sander. Because while I admit I didn't see this team winning more than 3 games this year, this shit still stings like stepping on a jellyfish, and there's no one around to piss on my foot.
The Patriots punted once in the entire game. Once. Just let that fact sink in before you go on with the rest of your fucked in the ear of a miserable day. Our defense is like a fucking Madden game. The Patriots offense totaled 530 yards -- the most the Dolphins defense has allowed since 1995. Nineteen fucking ninety five. You could still catch brand new episodes of Seinfeld the last time the Dolphins allowed that many yards. Britney Spears had beautiful perky tits the last time the Dolphins allowed that many yards. We lived in a Linkin Park-free world the last time the Dolphins allowed that many yards. The only thing getting fucked by our President was an intern's face the last time the Dolphins allowed that many yards.
Mother AND fucker.
Then there's Matt Cassel and his "When In Doubt, Chuck It To Randy" 400-yard performance. Yup, Matt Cassel has just put himself in prime position to be the next Scott Mitchell. And Randy Moss, he just did his thing. Mainly, that thing where he rides piggy-back on DBs and throws them to the side in order to catch the ball while the refs just watch with their whistles up their asses while they beg for him to plant his ballsack on their foreheads. Fucking refs. Our defense couldn't stop the Pats shallow slants, even though the Pats did that all the live long fucking day (Cassel's longest competion was on that 63-yard sideline scamp by Wes Welker, the rest were dink and dunk 7 yard passes down the middle). Nor did they have an answer for New England's spread offense. Mainly because their offensive line treated our defensive line like Bill Parcells does a Christmas ham. Our front seven was just a big tall glass of cold beer with a pube in it. Joey Porter talked some stupid shit about Mike Vick's dogs, then talked more stupid shit about the Pats and then proceeded to do absolutely nothing outside of a couple of unsportsmanlike penalties. And the rest of the shitdicks? Matt Roth: 2 tackles. Jason Ferguson: 1 tackle. Kendal Langford: 1 tackle. Porter: 1 tackle, Vonnie Holliday: 0.5 tackle. And that's pretty much the story of how we got our asses handed to us yesterday, courtesy of the Dark Lords of the Douche.
Yet, thanks to hot-n-sexy Chad Pennington's 341 yard, 3 touchdown performance, the Dolphins had a chance to win this thing. For a second there, it felt like this game was going to come down to the wire, maybe even a last minute game-winning drive just like last week. But then, with only 9 minutes left to the game, everything imploded. Pennington throws a costly INT, Channing Crowder gets his hair pulled and gets punched by that deer fucker Matt Light and yet he too gets ejected, Jake Long and Andre Goodman injure their ankles, Ted Ginn suddenly remembers that he needed to meet his Suck quota for the month and flat out starts refusing to catch a single pass the rest of the game, and our best play maker on offense, Greg Camarillo, busts up his knee and is seen in crutches afterwards. Meanwhile, Ronnie Brown ends up with 10 fucking carries for the game. Ten. Ten carries. Ten. Un-fucking-acceptable.
The Wildcat failed to produce like it did in their first meeting and, once again, our secondary got torched by a high-caliber receiver who's really tall. Just like Arizona, just like Houston, just like Baltimore.
The few positives that can be taken from this game are Pennington's play, and the fact that at least this thing has returned to full-fledged rivalry mode. We punched them in the mouth in September, they punched right back. So at least now we can take some solace in knowing that we're no longer a team that'll just bend over and let the Pats have their way with us. They hate us. And you don't hate the teams you think you can always beat.
Oh, and I guess getting embarrassed in the Super Bowl hasn't kept Belichick from douching it up, after all. You best believe Karma saw that 4th down run-up-the-score shit and said to herself, "Hmm. Looks like old Homeless Genius needs a broom stick shoved up his rectum again, I see."
So yea, some day we'll look back at this as a foundation building year. Some day we'll be appreciative of the fact that we turned a 1-win team into a team within reach of the playoffs. Until then, however, this one's gonna sting like a motherfucker. Just the way things roll in Dolphins Nation. Fuck, fuck, fuckitty-fuck.
Now please dear God someone please piss on my foot!!!