The Dolphins are riding a freaking three-game winning streak. That, my friends, is, in a word, the tetas. This time last year we were dragging through life wondering what in fuck we did to piss God off so much. We contemplated paying someone to drop a bowling ball on our nuts just so we could focus on another kind of pain. Eli Manning and the Giants were all that stood between us and a Jonestown-like mass suicide at an Arby's parking lot next to my house. Our team was beyond horrendous. The Dolphins were a national joke. Like the Lions. The Lions!Now, barely a year later, we're back in the conversation. There are even whispers that we have a shot at taking the AFC East. That's fucking crazy! And, as we all know, the Fins are in a good spot to make the playoffs either way, thanks in large part to a slap-yo-mama-on-her-giant-left-ass-cheek easy schedule. But before we start circling our calendars for next week and the 28th of December, we have to worry about the Raiders. That's right. Remember how we all thought we'd take the Jets in Week 1? Remember the Houston game? This team is so very capable of dropping a deuce on our laps against the worst fucking teams in the NFL. The Raiders could be one of those teams.
Keys to the game:
- First off, go and read my Fins-Raiders preview at New Times. And leave a comment, if you can. It would look good for my bosses there. And think nothing of the fact that I have a child to feed.
- This game is going to come down to our defense doing what it does best. Namely, pounding some ass and drop-kicking some balls. A quick scan of all our games thus far tells us plainly, when the opposition is held to 19 points or lower, we win. When they hit the 20-and above mark, we lose. The Raiders have been abysmal on offense. They've gone nine straight quarters without scoring a TD. Plus, JaMarcus Russel is battling a knee injury and Darren McFadden has turf toe. Since we're at home, I'm going to assume the D will be plenty amped up for this game. And I expect nothing less than 2 interceptions and a shitload of sacks. Time for Peezy to step the fuck back up.
- Run the ball. Run the fucking ball. It's that simple. You can't run the ball, you don't deserve to win in this league. The Raiders run defense is giving up 158.1 yards per game to running backs. That's 29th in the league. Through nine games, Ronnie and Ricky have a combined 1,190 yards from scrimmage. The math is just so simple it makes one want to shit on a bunny. Also, the Raiders boast a kick-ass secondary, while Chad Pennington has been showing shades of his old mediocre self lately. Those are two things that can spell disaster if the Fins aren't careful. So let's stop fucking around and just run the shit out of the ball so we can all go home and get laid.
- The Raiders were just as shitty last year as they are this year. Yet they came into our home and beat us 35-17. I know. This defense is vastly improved and less injury riddled than last year's. But these are the Dolphins, after all. And letting us down when we least expect it is what they do best.
- Beware the Trap Game. This one has all the classic signs of one. Don't look beyond this week. Play this game. Beat the Raiders. Then we can focus all week on the New England Douchebags and their douchebag quarterback who isn't as douchey as their previous quarterback, but still carries his own douchey weight rather well.
