Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

It's All Good

Holy titty fuck that was close. We almost witnessed the return of the Shitphins there. With 4:30 remaining in a game being dominated by Miami, the Raiders' John Lee Higgins took a Brandon Fields punt 93-yards to pay dirt, giving Oakland their first lead of the game and giving me a massive pain in my ass.

If not for Chad Pennington's final 10-play, 61 yard led drive that culminated with a Dan The Carpenter Carpenter 38-yard field goal, you'd be staring at a blank screen right now. One that would simply read: "I'M DONE" with a picture of my balls in a vice that could only be described as VNSFW. Because losing this one would have been a monumental meltdown of Wannstedtian proportions that someone like me could never have fully recovered from. 

Yet, even in the most anger-inducing moments, somehow we just knew our guys would pull it off. We knew it. Somehow, even when Ed Hochuli and his merry band of morons gave the Raiders that phantom pass interference call that got things rolling for the Raiders and got them on the board, we knew we wouldn't be denied. Couldn't be denied. We knew it because the Fins were following the FN Playbook for Kicking-Ass, Taking Names and Copping a Feel very closely. Namely, running the fucking ball all the live long motherfucking, sphincter-clenching, belly-punching, boot licking, tea-bagging day to the tune of 222 yards -- a season high. We also knew it, because this game was all about setting up our showdown with the Douchebags from New England (so douchey, they cover an entire region, rather than just a city. Now that's fuckin' douchey) next Sunday. We also knew it because nothing seems to be stopping the Miami Dolphins Ass-Kicking Express right now (Destination: Awesomeville). It's barreling down at full steam, destroying everything in its wake. And it's being driven by some badass mofos.

Guys like Pennington. Dude entered the season as the poster child for our revolving door of shitty retread quarterbacks. But Pennington showed us that leadership and grace under pressure can be just as good as a laser-rocket arm. Cool, collected and sharp, The Pasty One made all the right throws and took the Fins down the field 61 yards to set up the eventual game-winning field goal. Right after that, he ran over to the defensive huddle on the sidelines and yelled something at Channing Crowder and the boys to fire them up. Probably something like, "C'mon y'all!" 

And what about Ted Ginn.... Is A Miami Dolphin? Can you name any other player in Fins history who has gone from one extreme to another with the fans? The guy was the walking symbol of Cam Cameron's epic fail. Now he's emerged as a legit weapon. That 40 yard touchdown on an end around where he, once again, remembered he could run really fast, showed some serious sack. But what showed real cojones was that 7-yard catch on 4th and 5 to keep the drive and the game alive.

It was another ugly-ass win. But we'll take it. Again.

Yes, we can barely beat the shitty teams at home. Yes, our offense sometimes looks like it's being run by Andy Rooney. Yes, our special teams has been severely stricken by a chronic case of The Suck. Yes, we almost lost because we couldn't tackle the guy who shot Lincoln (Or John Lennon. Or JFK).  But we didn't. We won. This is four in a row now. And, while I was stricken with a rage-filled psychosis that could only be diagnosed as "Tom Cruise-esque" during most of the fourth quarter, I've got nothing but love for the Fins right now. Think about it. Last year we won one damn game. One! The Patriots won sixteen. In a row. Now, we're facing off in a game that could help decide a wildcard berth and even the AFC East. I don't know about you, but that fills me with the urge to hug strangers on the street. As opposed to last season, when I was filled with the urge to throw shit at them.

As for the Raiders, I can only express sympathy to their fans. We were swimming in the giant lake of shit only a season ago, so we know the feeling. But they played hard til the very end. So hats off to 'em. Except for Justin Fargas. Fuck that guy.

Game Day: Week 11

Keys To The Game: Raiders at Dolphins

The Dolphins are riding a freaking three-game winning streak. That, my friends, is, in a word, the tetas. This time last year we were dragging through life wondering what in fuck we did to piss God off so much. We contemplated paying someone to drop a bowling ball on our nuts just so we could focus on another kind of pain. Eli Manning and the Giants were all that stood between us and a Jonestown-like mass suicide at an Arby's parking lot next to my house. Our team was beyond horrendous. The Dolphins were a national joke. Like the Lions. The Lions!

Now, barely a year later, we're back in the conversation. There are even whispers that we have a shot at taking the AFC East. That's fucking crazy! And, as we all know, the Fins are in a good spot to make the playoffs either way, thanks in large part to a slap-yo-mama-on-her-giant-left-ass-cheek easy schedule. But before we start circling our calendars for next week and the 28th of December, we have to worry about the Raiders. That's right. Remember how we all thought we'd take the Jets in Week 1? Remember the Houston game? This team is so very capable of dropping a deuce on our laps against the worst fucking teams in the NFL. The Raiders could be one of those teams.

Keys to the game:

• First off, go and read my Fins-Raiders preview at New Times. And leave a comment, if you can. It would look good for my bosses there. And think nothing of the fact that I have a child to feed.
• This game is going to come down to our defense doing what it does best. Namely, pounding some ass and drop-kicking some balls. A quick scan of all our games thus far tells us plainly, when the opposition is held to 19 points or lower, we win. When they hit the 20-and above mark, we lose. The Raiders have been abysmal on offense. They've gone nine straight quarters without scoring a TD. Plus, JaMarcus Russel is battling a knee injury and Darren McFadden has turf toe. Since we're at home, I'm going to assume the D will be plenty amped up for this game. And I expect nothing less than 2 interceptions and a shitload of sacks. Time for Peezy to step the fuck back up.
• Run the ball. Run the fucking ball. It's that simple. You can't run the ball, you don't deserve to win in this league. The Raiders run defense is giving up 158.1 yards per game to running backs. That's 29th in the league. Through nine games, Ronnie and Ricky have a combined 1,190 yards from scrimmage. The math is just so simple it makes one want to shit on a bunny. Also, the Raiders boast a kick-ass secondary, while Chad Pennington has been showing shades of his old mediocre self lately. Those are two things that can spell disaster if the Fins aren't careful. So let's stop fucking around and just run the shit out of the ball so we can all go home and get laid.
  
• The Raiders were just as shitty last year as they are this year. Yet they came into our home and beat us 35-17. I know. This defense is vastly improved and less injury riddled than last year's. But these are the Dolphins, after all. And letting us down when we least expect it is what they do best.
• Beware the Trap Game. This one has all the classic signs of one. Don't look beyond this week. Play this game. Beat the Raiders. Then we can focus all week on the New England Douchebags and their douchebag quarterback who isn't as douchey as their previous quarterback, but still carries his own douchey weight rather well.
  

Prediction: Dolphins 24 - Raiders 10

Jeff Ireland Makes My Nipples Explode

"I can't express it in the proper words other than to say this is a tremendous honor to have this chance. I was born to do this. This is my love. This is my passion. I eat, sleep and drink football, personnel, acquisitions, the player procurement process, all of it. This is what I'm all about. This will get done under my watch. I can promise you the effort and the passion will be there. I won't sleep until it gets done"

--Dolphins General Manager & Straight Up Pimp, Jeff Ireland on the challenge of working to bring greatness back to the franchise.

(hat tip to Phinsider)

Ricky Williams in December's Playboy

In an attempt to feign relevance in this YouJizz-obsessed world and really make it worthwhile to purchase 'for the articles', Playboy has an in-depth interview with one Ricardo Williams for its December issue.  According to Deadspin:

In the piece, we learn about his many quirks, his relationship with the mother of his two children, the hefty child support payments he makes to the mothers of his other two children, his "social anxiety", and being alienated from everyone on the Saints due to his erratic behavior.

I don't know about The Dude but I, for one, had absolutely zero idea this article was even coming out!  The nerve of the Miami Dolphins brass or Ricky's 'people' to - mistakenly, I'm sure - neglect to inform either of us!  Frankly, I'm a bit taken aback given how The Dude and I keep our ears low to the ground to hear even the slightest rumble of Dolphins-related news.  For instance:  did you know that Vonnie Holliday saved a falling child from the Metrorail the other day???  Well, he did.  Did you know that Greg Camarillo hasn't had to bust his own nut since last year's Baltimore game?  He hasn't. 

Anyway, let's make an effort to get that link once it's up (if they even use HTML over in that archaic Palace of Pussy) and have a lovely time reading hackneyed questions on marijuana use and the ramifications of swinging your million-dollar dick all around South Beach sin condon.

OMG Dolphins! Super Hero Team Force Go, Episode 3

      

Omar Kelly Is Excited To Tell Us About Our New Practice Squad Receiver

Maybe it's because Derek Hagan's spot has been filled. Maybe it's because we are so devoid of receivers. Or maybe it was because he was a little rushed in the middle of his daily routine of kicking Armando Salguero's ass. Whatever the case may be, Omar Kelly seems excited to report that the Dolphins have signed a new receiver to the practice squad. Contrary to Omar's excitable, rushed headline, the new receiver's name is not Tood. It's Todd. Todd Lowber. Although now I finally have a name for that kid from Cambodia I was going to adopt.

Lowber, who didn't play college football but is a former college basketball player and won the 2006 NCAA Division III men's high jump championship at Ramapo College, has been a member of the Vikings, Giants and Cowboys.

Lowber is 6-3, 205 pounds and is, apparently, a pretty good athlete. Look! He can dunk! Also, just like Brandon London, Lowber happened to be on the Giants' roster last season, which means he has himself a Super Bowl ring. Lowber was also a member of the Dolphins practice squad before being cut and now has been re-signed after the Cowboys cut him.

Long story short: We're spending way too much time talking about a new practice squad receiver who'll probably be out of a job in two weeks. Just wanted to make fun of our man Omar a little. Also, it's been a slow day.

Oh You Best Be Votin' For Yeremiah Bell, Muthaf***ka!!!!

Our favorite yoked-up badass is up for GM Defensive Player of the Week.

That's right! Yeremiah Muthafucka Bell (legal name) earned himself a long-overdue honor with his complete and utter mastery of the baddassery on Sunday. Yeremiah led the defense with 9 tackles and also pretty much won the game for the Dolphins when he batted down Seneca Wallace's two-point conversion attempt at the 2:57 mark that sealed the 21-19 win for Miami.

Oh, and in case you thought Yeremiah was just a mindless head-hunting thug, well you're wrong fuck-o. He's a man that uses his brains as well as his innate ability to implode spleens in a single bound:

"Their tight end is their leader in receptions, so I felt like they were going to get him some balls," said Bell, the Dolphins' strong safety. "When I saw him sit down I kind of knew the ball was coming to him, just by the way he turned around. I just tried to stick my hand up there, grab his arms and yank as hard as I could."

Better recognize. And vote. Do it, or else Yeremiah will find you and fuck you up good and proper. And don't think he won't find you. He knows how to use the Google maps.

Muthafucka.

Because 'It's Been A Whhiiiillllee' (in cheezy Staind singer voice)

 I know.  I know.  This really has nothing to do with the Miami Dolphins or even football.

But here's a little something for those members of the US Armed Forces on this Veteran's Day.  This is new Bond girl Olga Kurylenko.  I saw her on Deadspin today and I figured it was my God-given privilege as an American and duty as a semi-American male to pass this on to the FN faithful - wherever you are. 

Maybe it's close to lights out in more Eastern parts of the world.  Maybe you figured you'd check out FN for one more dose of Fins filth.  Maybe you came upon this post and realized there's a color printer right near your computer.  Maybe a lot of naughtier websites are blocked by the US Military Industrial Complex.  Maybe - just maybe - you might have enough time to print out ole' Olga up here, take her to the Port O' Potty and have your way with her beautifully-chiseled corporeal angles.  I know the trim in Afghanistan and Iraq ain't got nuthin' on her. 

So Happy Veteran's Day from FN!  

Don't rough her up TOO much, now....

Thank You

One of the great things about Fins Nation is that we get readers from pretty much everywhere. It truly is Fins Nation. One place in particular is Iraq. We have at least two readers stationed there. So apparently when these guys or gals are not putting their life on the line, fighting for our freedom, they're reading dick jokes about the Miami Dolphins. We're deeply honored.

So thank you to all our veterans, for defending our country and making our freedom possible. Thank you for your sacrifice. Thank you to men like my big brother, Rob, who thankfully made it back home. And for those like Ross McGinnis, who made the ultimate sacrifice.

You guys are the real cockpunchers. And we salute you.

(picture from last Sunday's Support Your Dolphins-Support Your Troops courtesy of commenter Best-Seat-In-The-House)