Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Because DRK Had to Go and Pee in Our Coffee Today...

A reminder:

....It's fucking Victory Monday!!!!

Fuck yea, Victory Monday!


Fuck yea!

Right on.

Humble Pie

I hate to take away from a truly gritty win yesterday that put us into the child wonderment/Santa's Enchanted Forest-like ecstasy of being 5-4 and in the playoff hunt.  So it's with a heavy heart that I apologize if I'm taking a huge piss in anyone's coffee this morning, but I found this tidbit rather telling.  Says Hyde:

"It's never a direct comparison because of different defenses and responsibilities and personnel. But in 2006, when Bell played with Zach Thomas at middle linebacker, Bell had 68 tackles while Thomas had 165. Through nine games, he has 71 to Crowder's 68."

Wooouuuchhh.  I don't know how many times I yelled at Channing Crowder yesterday (though it was slightly less than the amount of times Seattle held us and we got no call) but those numbers aren't going to cut it.  I like the dude - he's goofy and genuinely likable - but his production on the field leaves a lot to be desired.  It's never a good thing when one of the leading tacklers on the team is your strong safety and more often then not I see Y. Bell flying around/making plays while Channing comes in for the requisite mop up job.  You'll often see him on the ground being the last guy to hit the ballcarrier and that just pisses me off.  Anyway, I don't know what the ruling consensus is but I think it's time to turn this puppy loose at the end of the season.

But, hey, we won and victory Mondays fucking RULE!!!

Wildcat Ugly

Two words can aptly describe Sunday's 21-19 win over Seattle: weird fucking game.

This game seemed to embody what the 2008 Miami Dolphins are. Scrappy, crappy, exciting, infuriating, imposing, cringe worthy, and awesome all at the same time. The defense looked like it was going to have a huge game in the first half, only to return for the second-half as if they had themselves a K-Y Jelly wrestling tournament in the locker room during halftime. The offense looked as if it was going to be able to score at will after Chad Pennington threw that 67-yard flea flicker touchdown to Ted Ginn in double-coverage, and after that 51-yard touchdown run by Ricky Williams. Yet in the second quarter, for whatever reason, the offense decided that it was enough already and reverted back to their old stagnant ways. Pennington throws a pick that gets returned for a touchdown, the running game shuts down like my Dad after a heavy meal, and panic attacks set in during every 3rd and long. Yet the Dolphins win on a 9 minute drive that culminates in a Ronnie Brown touchdown and a last-minute defensive stance. Ugly? Yes. Kick-ass? Absolutely.

Sure there were times where the opportunistic Seahawks took advantage of Miami's sloppiness and stormed back in a game they had no business storming back in, which in turn drove me to rub a cheese grater against my genitals. But the Dolphins were able to make up for their sloppiness by taking advantage of Seattle's over-all suckiness.

And then there was that one moment where you thought to yourself, "Holy fucknuts. This game's gonna come down to an Olindo Mare field goal! And there's no infield dirt to stop him!!!" I know you were thinking this, because I was thinking this. You were also thinking, "We won't be able to live this down if we lose." But, thankfully, that turned out not to be the case. While the Fins defense wasn't as dominant as one would've hoped against this injury riddled Seahawks team, it ultimately got the job done. The D-line clamped down when it needed to the most, quite literally delivering a cockpunch to Seattle QB Seneca Wallace, injuring his groin and limiting his mobility. Joey Porter and his popcorn muscles only managed to record 2 tackles and half a sack, but the other guys -- Roth, Crowder, Ferguson, Langford -- showed up big, holding Wallace to just 185 yards passing and Julius Jones to just 88 yards rushing. Displaying their full sacks, if you will.

This game also featured the return of the once-thought-dead Wildcat. And it came back with a vengeance, just like in that movie Pet Semetary where dead pets come back to life except that they're not cute like they used to be, but all fucked up and ghastly and ready to gauge your eyes out and slash your carotid artery because you once dressed them up like a cowboy for Halloween because you thought it would be so adorable. The Wildcat had been completely shut down the past three weeks. But against Seattle, the formation resulted in all three touchdowns and gave Ricky Williams his first 100 yard rushing game since 2006.

So despite Chad Pennington reminding us all that his arm is, in fact, one giant noodle, and despite the fact that our special teams needs a good "talkin' to" by Coach Sparano Al Capone in Untouchables style, and despite the fact that our defense forgot how to stop the run during the second half, we won. It was ugly. Like the girl you take home and bone on a dare. But it's a win. And a win is a win, and we'll take it. And so the Dolphins are now 5-4 -- above .500 for the first time since 2005 -- and a game out of first in the AFC East. Yo quiero tetitas grandes!!!

Also, a special thanks goes out to Koren Robinson and his intractable cement-hands.

Game Day: Week 10

Keys To the Game - Seahawks @ Dolphins

 

Lucky you.  You're getting a steady dose of DRK today as the Dude sits back, takes off his pants and turns the room fan on 'high', aiming directly at his scrotal region.  I don't know 'bout you but I take comfort in that.

 

Beginning with this pathetic and injury-maligned Seahawks team (seriously, they could use Cameron Worrell at safety right about now), we have a real opportunity to win 3 in a row during this rare 3-game homestand.  That would put us at 7-4 and a feeling akin to grabbing a barstool, steadying yourself atop it, pulling your pants down and sticking your chubber in the freezer.  Smiles everyone!  Smiles!

But, as we've been preaching for some time now, that ain't happenin' unless we can beat the good teams we're supposed to beat.  There's no question we're better than the Seahawks and Oakland, but the real test will come against New England at home.  That's still a strong team despite their current QB deficiencies and we haven't swept those motherfuckers since 2000.  Beating them down in a year when they deserved a good beating would be fackin' sweet!

So I'm not gonna even bother with this Seahawks "team" since there's really nothing to talk about.  They're banged up all over the place and they're annoying to watch.  So let's focus on what we have to do to continue the light-speed progress we've made in the past 8 games:

• Special Teams.  Guhhhhhhhhh.  Seems like everyone has an above average return specialist these days and we absolutely fucking suck with those.  I hate worrying about kickoffs and punts;  that's just stupid.  So here's to our special teams learning how to avoid the kickoff coverage wall and Dan Carpenter not jerking off again until after Sunday's game.  He needs every one of those little soldiers to get it into the endzone.
• A return to form for Chad.  We need the AFC Player of the Week guy back.
• More Ricky and Ronnie.  This is a good team to get ahead early and let those two find the rhythm we've lost since the Texans game. 
• Figure out what the fuck is going on at the RG position because that's been a mess since Donald Thomas went down.  We all knew it would be because we're so thin all along the line but it's unnerving that we haven't even found a decent solution.
• Can Vernon Carey stay on his feet?   Does he prefer to swish his butt all around in the dirt?  MAN UP, Vernon.  You're getting noticed and that ain't good.
• The rise of Theodore Ginn, Jr.  I feel a really big game coming on for him and this might be the week.
• Keep doing what you're doing, Jason Allen, and you just might shed that 'Busteroo' label after all.

 

Prediction:  Dolphins 31 - Seahawks 10

 

Would be our first winning mark since 2005.  Oh, brother.

 

Your random thoughts/perversions/situations/quotations/dimestores/bus stations in the comments.

 

Tony Sparano.....Secrets

 

...secrets....

People think I'm one of the best offensive line coaches in the NFL.  They marvel at my tenacity, technique and the way I get through to my players.  One of the best ways to get through to an offensive lineman?  Glue a Hershey's Kiss to the bottom of their underwear so, when they put it on, it goes right into his you-know-whats-it.  Sweetens up the butt and makes them play a heckuvalot better.

....secrets..

Why does Marty McFly get so annoyed at being called 'chicken' in the last two Back To The Future's but it's not even an issue in the first one?  Where's the consistency?  Guy hears someone calling him 'chicken' and he explodes like you're denying the Holocaust ever happened or something.  Never understood that one and it sometimes keeps me up at night while I'm trying to get my daily 2 hours of sleep.

...secrets....

I often like to go dressed like some kind of incognito Inspector Gadget to Tootsie's near Dolphin Stadium once a week if my eyes get too tired from rewinding tape.  There's a girl there that tar and feathers herself and lets me choke her for about a minute and 27 seconds.  I go right back to watching tape after that.

....secrets....

Sometimes I think back to 1990 or so and contemplate the strange social consciousness evident in the popular music of that time.  You think about your Jesus Jones', your EMF's, your Arrested Development's - those bands were trying to say something.  Whatever the fuck it is they were trying to say was a little lost on me at the time because that was my dark ketamine period.

 ....secrets....

-Dat Roro Kid

Joey Porter Thinks Greg Camarillo Needs to Work on His Trash Talk

Denver cornerback Karl Paymah continued the Broncos new and ridiculous fuckstick tradition of trash talking after a loss, when he called Fins' receiver Greg Camarillo an "average Joe."

Of course, Camarillo took exception and shot back:

"If I'm an average Joe, I had 11 catches, most of them against him. What does that make him?"

Oh snap!

Needless to say, Joey Porter is unhappy about Camarillo's sub par handling of the situation:


Hey Camarillio


It's Camarillo. Like Cama-ree-yo.


Shut the fuck up and listen.


Alright.


Next time, you wanna talk back at a muthafucka you schooled, you do it the Peezy way. Got it?


Okay.Thanks. I --


Tell em shit like, "Hey muthafucka. Why didn't you tell me yo mama's a loud barker? I had to find out the hard way last night!"


Well I --


Or, "I been thinkin' bout you all day. My toilet overflowed and my home smells like shit."


That's great but...


Or, "If I wanted your input, I'd take my dick out yo mouth." I use that one a lot.


But, Joey... I'm not sure I --


Or, "You suck worse than a cow's cunt!"


That doesn't even make any sense.


Or when all else fails, call the muthafucka a pussy fart. That shit'll rock his world. Pussy fart. Got it?


Uh .... yea?


Yea. Pussy fart.

/walks away saying "pussy fart" to himself

Our Long National Nightmare is Over....

...the Dolphins have released Derek Hagan.

Brandon Marshall Can Eat A Hearty Bowl of D*cks

Big mouth, shut-down receiver Brandon Marshall nearly made me bench his ass on my terrible fantasy team by talking shit about the quarterback-eating monster that is our own Joey Porter.  Stupid fuck had this to say:

"But he's definitely one of those guys who all those muscles are popcorn muscles. He's soft. We hear stories floating around the league all the time about him, as far as him being in nightclubs, dancing with his shirt off like a girl, or in the playground getting beat up back in California," Marshall added. "He's one of those guys that no matter how big he is, he can still get knocked on his butt. He's soft. And you can tell the way he's talking. His nickname's 'Peezy'. I don't know what 'Peezy' is, Joey."

'Peezy' is the man that shut your shit down along with the rest of our badass defense.  'Peezy' is the man that I personally witnessed call your floppy-haired, emo quarterback 'stupid' several times after he threw an interception to Tyrone Culver.  'Peezy' is the man who probably fucked your wife and all your girlfriends after the game then saved up all that jizz to squeeze it out on yo' mammas tittybags.  'Peezy' is a Pro Bowl badass having a career year while you fizzle out like the slow fart bubble you are.  'Peezy' tore your shit up, son.

Besides, who doesn't party with their shirt off?  The Dude and I do it all the fucking time.

It's Election Day, So Go Vote.... For Will Allen

He's gone from pulling a gun on some dude at a Bed, Bath & Beyond to nominee for GMC Sierra Defensive Player of the Week! What a country!

With his 4 tackles and 32-yard interception for a touchdown, Allen sparked the Fins' 26-17 win over the Broncos in Denver. He also delivered a massive cockpunch to star receiver Brandon Marshall. Marshall was expected to have a 100+ yard, multiple touchdown day for Denver. But, in the end, thanks to Will Allen and his balls, Brandon Marshall had as many touchdowns for the Broncos as Don Rickels.

Balls. Ballsy balls.

So go vote for Will and his balls. Or he'll just have to pop a cap in your ass when you're shopping for tupperware and potpourri at Linens 'N Things. Voting ends Friday.