Hi. I'm Matt Light. Offensive lineman from the New England Patriots. I'm the white one with the beard. No, the other one. No.... the other one. No.... the other one. Well, as another Thanksgiving approaches, I'm here with a special public service for all you young boys who wanna grow up to be like me, Matt Light. Wanna fight just like me? Follow these three easy steps I've outlined for you. Here they are in picture form to better help you get down the proper technique for fighting like me, Matt Light:Step One
Step Two
Step Three
Got it? Good. Dreads work the best for this. Make sure to really get a good handful of hair and get in some good shots with your fists. Oh you might get fined, but it's okay. The other guy will get fined just as much as you but he won't even have thrown a single punch! Isn't that fantastic? I don't have to tell you how fucking awesome it is being white! Now you may feel like you still have some aggression to take out. That's normal. Just do what I do. Go out and take out your aggression by blowing a deer's head off. Nothing melts the tension away like a long walk in the woods. Come on! Let's go! Oh don't mind those three guys wrestling in the shrubs. Those are my special friends, Earl, Billy and Toothless Joe. They're just playing games. One we call "Bobbing For Lollipops In Our Pants." We also play a game to see which of us is best at squealing like a pig. Hi guys! I'm with one of my young fans right now so I can't join you. Maybe tomorrow. I see Earl brought some of his cousin's, er, wife's Moonshine! Make that, definitely tomorrow!
Hey! Look! Shhhh.... it's a baby deer! This is a once in a lifetime moment, kid. A memory you will treasure for the rest of your life. Behold one of nature's most amazing creatures at the very genesis of it's life! Try not to make any sound at all as these gentle creatures are even more skittish when young, although they can be curious, and even playful. Sidle up beside it. That's it, just like me. I'm a big fat white guy but I'm graceful. That's it. Gently place your hand on it's head. Good. No sudden movements. No noise. Now gently place the gun barrel right into its mouth. It's okay. It thinks it's candy! Now, quickly, pull the trigger. Ah! Don't you feel like a man now? Of course you do! You're like me! Matt Light! Oh look!!! There's it's mother running away in fear! Don't let her get away, kid! Stop fucking crying you little pussy! I thought you said you wanted to be like me, Matt Light! Now get her or I swear to my everloving God I will fucking eat you, you fucking little shit pellet! Okay. Good. Now be sure to wipe the baby deer brain from your brow before you take aim. Don't want anything messing up your line of fire now, do we? Now fire! Beautiful! Great shot, kid! Now take a deep breath and take in all the manliness!
Now what you wanna do is walk on over to the deer and fuck her still warm carcass. Then you'll really be living like me, Matt Light!
