Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Game Day: Week 16

Game time temps is between 8 and 10 degrees, with 16-20 MPH wind gusts. So that means it feels like -2. Minus FUCKING 2! The good news is, there's very little chance of snow and it's mostly sunny. For whatever that's worth.

Either way... no excuses. The Chiefs are a shit team. No two ways about it. You wanna be a contender, you gotta beat the shit teams, regardless of the weather. So let's take care of our business, let's smash up their guitars, let's beat these guys, and let's keep this Rock & Roll train rollin...

Baby it's cold out there....

We lead you into the weekend with a little Marisa, for you poor cockbags who live in cold weather cities and won't be seeing a woman in a bikini for another 4 or 5 months. It's fucking cold! Not here in Miami. Here the weather is freaking fantastic. But elsewhere, yea... it's fucking cold. We're nothing if not sensitive and accommodating here at FN.

You saw DRK's keys to victory this week. So we know what needs to be done. We also saw how Tony Gonzalez has game on and off the field. But for the sake of our playoff run, we need to worry about his game on the field. Our defense has been red hot, but they may or may not be without the services of Channing Oh Word! Crowder, who's nursing a sore knee. We have a bad history in cold weather games, but we're going to have to buck history if we're going to make the playoffs. However, we were 1-15 last year and this year we have 9 wins so far. Anything is possible. So fuck you, history!

My prediction: 27-20, Fins. KC's crazy-ass run-and-shoot offense scares me a little. But I do think the weather will be the great equalizer. Still, our offense NEEDS TO CONVERT FIRST DOWNS!!!! if we're going to have a shot.

Also, Admiral Ackbar would like to remind us about something very important concerning this week's game:

Right on, Admiral Ackbar! So let's not dick around, Dolphins. Right now, it's all about the Chiefs.

Have a great weekend, Nation!

Keys To the Game - Dolphins @ Chiefs

Let's not kid ourselves. 

It's all about December 28th at the Meadowlands, but to get there we have to face goddamn Herm Edwards and a pesky Chiefs team that has - at times - played much better than their record shows.  Nonetheless, this is the 32nd ranked defense in the NFL.  Me and The Dude playing a Cover 2 could probably get a few more tackles and perhaps even an interception more than the Chiefs D.  It's putrid.  So there's no excuse for not running the ever-loving shit out of the ball and ramming it down their goddamn throats.

On a side note, I'd like to take a moment here to wish a heaping avalanche of dicks to fall on Bill Simmons' head.  While complementing us in his 'Power Poll', he still manages to pick whoever the fuck we're playing as the winner against us in his picks every goddamn week.  It doesn't matter if we're facing the Midget League of the Tamiami Colts.  I made it a point to email him and tell him to go fuck himself.  I swear, he hasn't picked the Dolphins all goddamn year so a hearty 'go fuck yourself asshole' to Mr. Bill Simmons.  May you lose your hefty salary for being such an ungrateful fuck to the National Socialist regime you work for.  You used to be a little Boston faggot that wrote for free; now they pay you 6 figures to mention 90210, Karate Kid and Rocky ad nauseum.  Fuck-o.

The Keys

• Say it with me:  Ronnie Brown.  Ricky Williams.  Ronnie Brown.  Ricky Williams.  Ronnie Brown.  Ricky Williams.  Repeat. (Note:  You can also throw in a little Leprechaun on those upback handoffs on 2nd or 3rd and short.  I fuckin' LOVE. THAT. SHIT.)
• Weather calls for cold and shitty with 20 mph winds.  This does not bode well for our noodle arm-y, but cute with big balls QB.  I see lots of passes sailing over heads into the stands.  Flubbery tosses that don't stand a chance.  It's probably going to be a fairly conservative game plan utilizing the run (shotguns to Chad with that end-around style handoff run to Ricky) and short passes.  Fully expect me to be wrong and the first play of the game actually be a bomb to Teddy. 
• Wind is not the friend of vanilla-personality kickers nor their equally lethargic punter/holder/roommate.
• Our defense has been spectacular as of late and has single-handedly saved our asses since the Patriots game.  3 games now without a touchdown.  3 fucking games!!  I want to see Peezy sack the QB at the end of the game and toss his helmet again.  Man, that was awesome.  Game, bitches!!!
•  I'm gonna turn into Captain Obvious now and tell you that Special Teams may play a very big role in this game.

Basically, we have to think of this game like a tennis match.  Just keep volleying until Herm Edwards and the Chiefs do something incredibly stupid to fuck up their chances.  They are bound to do it; the point is to not be the ones to shoot yourself in the foot first.  Trust me, they are more than willing to fuck up if given the chance.  YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME.

Prediction:  Dolphins 17 - Chiefs 3

Let's take care of this shit then on to our date with destiny in Dirty Jersey.

 

And for my hungry boys out there, one more shot of the very lovely October Gonzalez:

 

 

Would I eat Kellog's Cornflakes out of her ass? Yes.  With milk and extra sugar please.

Come Home Already

That's ok, Papito, come back home where you belong once you're done playing with those losers over there.

 

We'll be waiting and primed for a Super Bowl - at home - Dolphin Stadium come 2010. 

Chad Pennington is Rubbing Off

Count Dan Henning among those of us who weren't all that fired up about getting Chad Pennington only to realize he made a horrible, horrible mistake:

Dan Henning admits he never wanted Chad Pennington the first time around.

The Dolphins' offensive coordinator refers to 2000, when the Jets made Pennington the third of four first-round draft picks.

"I was hoping for a receiver to tell you the truth," said Henning, the Jets' offensive coordinator at the time. Pennington's meticulous ways and study habits quickly won Henning over.

Pennington's hard work in the film room and on the practice field is well documented, as is his affinity for trailer trash food. But Omar Kelly also assures us that Pennington is not only making a difference for the 2008 Dolphins, but for the future of the franchise as well:

"[Pennington] spends more time here than any other player," Henning said. "He comes in on Mondays, he comes in on Tuesdays, and he has a routine that he goes through, which is very good. You can't miss this if you're Chad Henne. ... Or if you're John Beck."

Even though Dan Henning tries desperately to remind us that John Beck is still on this team, it's clear that Pennington's leadership is setting up Chad Henne to take over as the future franchise quarterback for our Miami Dolphins. I welcome that with great enthusiasm. And you better welcome it too, lest you have your organs harvested as fuel for our robot overlords in the future. Don't think Chad Henne isn't aware of you.

Pennington gives Beck and Henne homework assignments, which is pretty cool. And you gotta feel good for the two understudies. They've yet to see a real in-game snap all season, but you know they're both working hard in the film room, learning the playbook and on the practice field. That hard work and sacrifice will pay off some day. For now, they watch and learn from Pennington and then each go and let off steam in their own way. Beck with a prayer group and giving money to a homeless man, and Henne going to a strip club:
















800-Y44! (Boo-yaa!)

Dolphins To Be Frickin' Freezing This Sunday

A quick perusal of weather.com is showing a high of 21 degrees and windy on Sunday in Kansas City.  Average temp should be about 18 that day.  Grreeaaaat.  The Dolphins are notoriously not a very good cold weather team (think of the infuriating site of Mare missing that field goal at the end of the New England game in '02 that would have put us in the playoffs or those New England motherfuckers tossing snowballs in the air during '03) and are 3-6 for games played in games below 25. 

However, it should be noted that those were pre-Cockpuncher teams and I think we won't have to worry about players not wanting to go out and play because of how cold it is. (See:  Williams, Ricky. Buffalo. Dec 2002. Citation Needed)  It helps we're playing an inferior opponent and that our defense is absolutely ferocious right now.  If we could finally get that running game in gear that would be lovely by the grace of Yahweh ben Yahweh himself.  Still, I'm hoping Sparano is employing some Siberian Ice Water torture this week to get them somewhat acclimated.

And Then There Was That Time Nate Jones was Bitten by a Radioactive Spider

Before we move on to next week's game.... hows bout a little love for the suddenly overcome with a serious bout of badassery, Nathan Jones? Three tackles, including two keys sacks -- one that took the 49ers out of field goal range? That's nothing more than badassery. Badassery at it's finest.

Hawaiians Better Hide Their Little Horses....

The forecast in Hawaii calls for some Black Thunder, with 100 percent chance of small horses being killed, and a little overrated douche thrown in for good measure.

In what is the most meaningless, arbitrary, who-watches-this shit? award given all year in the NFL, it was announced today that Joey Porter and Ronnie Brown will be representing the Dolphins in the Pro Bowl. Hoorah! Peezy is going to his fourth career Pro Bowl as a starter while Ronnie is going to his first ever Pro Bowl as a reserve.

Meanwhile, Chad Pennington was totally given the shaft, which means more time in the offseason to eat at the Cracker Barrel. However, Brett Favre and his 17 interceptions is going in for the 10th time in his career, which I'm sure his biggest fans will be running all over themselves to tell us all that this is some kind of record or some shit (how can it not be? the guy's been playing since the reign of fucking Nebuchadnezzar). Also, the Jets have the most players in the league -- seven -- going into this year's Pro Bowl. So now that game in two weeks can't come any fucking sooner.

Anyway, congrats to Peezy and Black Thunder. Here's the entire 2008 Pro Bowl roster.

I guess Chad is just going to have to settle for MVP.

Fuck Brett Favre with this deer's carcass.

Local Reporters Asking JT About the Dolphins Not Awkward in the Least

"Nobody's happier for them than me, except for maybe them because they're worked so hard for it," Taylor said of the Dolphins' 9-5 record. "I'm the biggest Dolphins fan. I love all these guys."

Hoping to end up on a playoff contender, Taylor is hoping for a miracle, while the Dolphins are in position for their first post-season appearance since the 2001 season.

"You can never look back," he said. "When I was traded, things were different in Miami, too."

[Palm Beach Post]

All kidding aside, as commenter Brian put it: JT is a class act and forever a Dolphin. We were lucky to have a player of his talent and character represent this team for as long as he did.

In case you forgot...

Bill Belichick: still a big fucking douche.