Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Happy Noche Buena, FinsNation!!!!

The Dude will likely be up early to post a proper Xmas post (children tend to switch your schedule up a bit) so this goes out to the late night vampires of FinsNation that can still enjoy the luxury of not having adorable children begrudgingly - yet cheerfully - ruin your Christmas Eve night. 

For the uninitiated, Cubans (as well as other Hispanics) usually cook up an entire pig on Christmas Eve via a caja china.  This is an all day affair that begins early in the morning and lasts into the wee hours after much alcohol and an incredibly disorienting amount of shit-talking.  I don't have that luxury (or space) here in NYC so I always make-do with my world famous pork shoulder (pictured).  You have no idea how delicious that thing will turn out after marinating for 10 hours and cooking for 10 more.  It is subsequently chopped up, covered in grilled onions (sauteed are ok, too) and bathed in lime.  I cannot fucking wait.

So, to my Hispanic people out there, enjoy the shit out of this night.  To my Anglos, find the nearest Hispanic you can and LATCH ON TO THAT MOTHERFUCKER.  There's likely some juicy pork involved. 

Have an awesome night, Nation!

Pray Santa brings you a magical Dolphins victory that gleams from under the Christmas Tree as you rub the early morning sleep out of your eyes!!!

 

On Pennington! On Porter!  On Brown! On Langford!!!

 

Just A Reminder: WE HATE YOU

In addition, it's the little things that can put a smile on your face all day long.  Gotta love those genius New Yorkers!!!!  We love you, Mangenius!!!  WE HATE YOU, MANGINI!!!

Fuckin' idiots.

More to come...

Welcome to Our House of Love, Beer, Manhugs & Large Breasted Women

Holy sugartits that was one outrageously rage-inducing and happy-making all wrapped into one cold-ass game that nearly ended our season of dreams! I'm so wired, I'm not making any goddamn sense and I like it.... I LOVE it! Flippity-floppity-floo!

As I predicted, despite the weather, this game ended up a smorgasboard of scoring the likes I haven't experienced since my first and only year at college (boo-ya!). As I feared, the Chiefs' crazy-ass spread run-and-shoot offense fucked up our defense good and proper. They punted once the entire game! And let it be said that many a fantasy titles were won on the shoulders of Tyler Thigpen yesterday. The man earned my respect with those granite balls of his. Brodie Croyle is effectively fucked. Also, Tony Gonzalez apparently reads FN because he came to play with a vengeance. And of all the damn weeks of being injured and out of action, Larry Johnson decides to show up and play big against us. Thanks a lot, cockrocket.

Our defense flat out refused to wrap guys up. It was the glorious return of the Miami Dolphins Arm-Tackling Committee I thought died when Dave Wadnsdtett took his shitty mustache to Pittsburgh. After not allowing a touchdown in 300 plays, the defense decided to throw up all over itself and make up for it by allowing the Chiefs to score pretty much at will every fucking time they had the ball. Still, for all the punch-a-nun-in-the-cunt rage the defense inspired in me yesterday, they came to play in the second half -- holding KC to just 3 points the rest of the way. And then there was Matt Roth returning to his roid-ragin* Hulkian habits, putting the game away with his sheer anger and girth (*heh, just kidding, just jokes, we're all about the jokes here, please don't eat me).

As for the offense: You know how it goes. It was all Chad Pennington and his big glorious balls. 26 for 34 passing, 235 yards, 3 touchdowns, 1 fine ass, 1 set of glorious balls. All the talk coming into the game was how Pennington couldn't handle the windy conditions. How we were going to have to grind it out with a ground game. But against this Chiefs offense, you just can't do that. So Captain Balls once again shrugged off the doubters and made yet another serious case for MVP considerations. Props also to the way we started the game -- with that 60-yard kickoff return by The Leprechaun and then Ted Ginn's endaround TD first play from scrimmage. If you were taking a quick pre-game shit, you missed it. It was a tone-setter for the offense. One that said Dan Henning don't play checkers he plays chess so you better come strong, motherfuckers.

Sure, there was that curious 4th and 1 call from the KC 5 yard line. A fucking fade to Joey Haynos in 20 MPH winds(?!?!). Yes, it was a fucked up call. Yes, it nearly sent DRK wandering into Time Square naked and babbling to himself. Yes, it could very well have been the call that ended our playoff hopes. But, like other coaches in our recent past, Sparano made a dumb call. It happens. Especially with us. However, unlike the recent past, we seem to overcome bad calls and shitty play. We didn't give up. We came back hard. We answered a 10-point swing with a Ricky Williams TD and one of our now-patented 8-minute, 13-play drives that culminated in a 14-yard Badasso touchdown.

And now all that we-can't-win-in-cold-weather talk has been taken into the woods and shot in the mouth with a twelve-gauge shotgun. Because we just played in the coldest game in Dolphins history and won. How cold? 30 degrees colder than the previous coldest game in 1989.

So it's on to next week, where Captain Balls meets Captain Interceptions. We'll be talking about that game in the coming days. For now, we're all about the fact that we've gone from 1-15 to 10 wins (and counting) and are on the cusp.... the CUSP I say! So strap on your helmets and adjust your goggles.... it's go time!

Game Day: Week 16

Game time temps is between 8 and 10 degrees, with 16-20 MPH wind gusts. So that means it feels like -2. Minus FUCKING 2! The good news is, there's very little chance of snow and it's mostly sunny. For whatever that's worth.

Either way... no excuses. The Chiefs are a shit team. No two ways about it. You wanna be a contender, you gotta beat the shit teams, regardless of the weather. So let's take care of our business, let's smash up their guitars, let's beat these guys, and let's keep this Rock & Roll train rollin...

Baby it's cold out there....

We lead you into the weekend with a little Marisa, for you poor cockbags who live in cold weather cities and won't be seeing a woman in a bikini for another 4 or 5 months. It's fucking cold! Not here in Miami. Here the weather is freaking fantastic. But elsewhere, yea... it's fucking cold. We're nothing if not sensitive and accommodating here at FN.

You saw DRK's keys to victory this week. So we know what needs to be done. We also saw how Tony Gonzalez has game on and off the field. But for the sake of our playoff run, we need to worry about his game on the field. Our defense has been red hot, but they may or may not be without the services of Channing Oh Word! Crowder, who's nursing a sore knee. We have a bad history in cold weather games, but we're going to have to buck history if we're going to make the playoffs. However, we were 1-15 last year and this year we have 9 wins so far. Anything is possible. So fuck you, history!

My prediction: 27-20, Fins. KC's crazy-ass run-and-shoot offense scares me a little. But I do think the weather will be the great equalizer. Still, our offense NEEDS TO CONVERT FIRST DOWNS!!!! if we're going to have a shot.

Also, Admiral Ackbar would like to remind us about something very important concerning this week's game:

Right on, Admiral Ackbar! So let's not dick around, Dolphins. Right now, it's all about the Chiefs.

Have a great weekend, Nation!

Keys To the Game - Dolphins @ Chiefs

Let's not kid ourselves. 

It's all about December 28th at the Meadowlands, but to get there we have to face goddamn Herm Edwards and a pesky Chiefs team that has - at times - played much better than their record shows.  Nonetheless, this is the 32nd ranked defense in the NFL.  Me and The Dude playing a Cover 2 could probably get a few more tackles and perhaps even an interception more than the Chiefs D.  It's putrid.  So there's no excuse for not running the ever-loving shit out of the ball and ramming it down their goddamn throats.

On a side note, I'd like to take a moment here to wish a heaping avalanche of dicks to fall on Bill Simmons' head.  While complementing us in his 'Power Poll', he still manages to pick whoever the fuck we're playing as the winner against us in his picks every goddamn week.  It doesn't matter if we're facing the Midget League of the Tamiami Colts.  I made it a point to email him and tell him to go fuck himself.  I swear, he hasn't picked the Dolphins all goddamn year so a hearty 'go fuck yourself asshole' to Mr. Bill Simmons.  May you lose your hefty salary for being such an ungrateful fuck to the National Socialist regime you work for.  You used to be a little Boston faggot that wrote for free; now they pay you 6 figures to mention 90210, Karate Kid and Rocky ad nauseum.  Fuck-o.

The Keys

• Say it with me:  Ronnie Brown.  Ricky Williams.  Ronnie Brown.  Ricky Williams.  Ronnie Brown.  Ricky Williams.  Repeat. (Note:  You can also throw in a little Leprechaun on those upback handoffs on 2nd or 3rd and short.  I fuckin' LOVE. THAT. SHIT.)
• Weather calls for cold and shitty with 20 mph winds.  This does not bode well for our noodle arm-y, but cute with big balls QB.  I see lots of passes sailing over heads into the stands.  Flubbery tosses that don't stand a chance.  It's probably going to be a fairly conservative game plan utilizing the run (shotguns to Chad with that end-around style handoff run to Ricky) and short passes.  Fully expect me to be wrong and the first play of the game actually be a bomb to Teddy. 
• Wind is not the friend of vanilla-personality kickers nor their equally lethargic punter/holder/roommate.
• Our defense has been spectacular as of late and has single-handedly saved our asses since the Patriots game.  3 games now without a touchdown.  3 fucking games!!  I want to see Peezy sack the QB at the end of the game and toss his helmet again.  Man, that was awesome.  Game, bitches!!!
•  I'm gonna turn into Captain Obvious now and tell you that Special Teams may play a very big role in this game.

Basically, we have to think of this game like a tennis match.  Just keep volleying until Herm Edwards and the Chiefs do something incredibly stupid to fuck up their chances.  They are bound to do it; the point is to not be the ones to shoot yourself in the foot first.  Trust me, they are more than willing to fuck up if given the chance.  YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME.

Prediction:  Dolphins 17 - Chiefs 3

Let's take care of this shit then on to our date with destiny in Dirty Jersey.

 

And for my hungry boys out there, one more shot of the very lovely October Gonzalez:

 

 

Would I eat Kellog's Cornflakes out of her ass? Yes.  With milk and extra sugar please.

Chad Pennington is Rubbing Off

Count Dan Henning among those of us who weren't all that fired up about getting Chad Pennington only to realize he made a horrible, horrible mistake:

Dan Henning admits he never wanted Chad Pennington the first time around.

The Dolphins' offensive coordinator refers to 2000, when the Jets made Pennington the third of four first-round draft picks.

"I was hoping for a receiver to tell you the truth," said Henning, the Jets' offensive coordinator at the time. Pennington's meticulous ways and study habits quickly won Henning over.

Pennington's hard work in the film room and on the practice field is well documented, as is his affinity for trailer trash food. But Omar Kelly also assures us that Pennington is not only making a difference for the 2008 Dolphins, but for the future of the franchise as well:

"[Pennington] spends more time here than any other player," Henning said. "He comes in on Mondays, he comes in on Tuesdays, and he has a routine that he goes through, which is very good. You can't miss this if you're Chad Henne. ... Or if you're John Beck."

Even though Dan Henning tries desperately to remind us that John Beck is still on this team, it's clear that Pennington's leadership is setting up Chad Henne to take over as the future franchise quarterback for our Miami Dolphins. I welcome that with great enthusiasm. And you better welcome it too, lest you have your organs harvested as fuel for our robot overlords in the future. Don't think Chad Henne isn't aware of you.

Pennington gives Beck and Henne homework assignments, which is pretty cool. And you gotta feel good for the two understudies. They've yet to see a real in-game snap all season, but you know they're both working hard in the film room, learning the playbook and on the practice field. That hard work and sacrifice will pay off some day. For now, they watch and learn from Pennington and then each go and let off steam in their own way. Beck with a prayer group and giving money to a homeless man, and Henne going to a strip club:
















800-Y44! (Boo-yaa!)

Dolphins To Be Frickin' Freezing This Sunday

A quick perusal of weather.com is showing a high of 21 degrees and windy on Sunday in Kansas City.  Average temp should be about 18 that day.  Grreeaaaat.  The Dolphins are notoriously not a very good cold weather team (think of the infuriating site of Mare missing that field goal at the end of the New England game in '02 that would have put us in the playoffs or those New England motherfuckers tossing snowballs in the air during '03) and are 3-6 for games played in games below 25. 

However, it should be noted that those were pre-Cockpuncher teams and I think we won't have to worry about players not wanting to go out and play because of how cold it is. (See:  Williams, Ricky. Buffalo. Dec 2002. Citation Needed)  It helps we're playing an inferior opponent and that our defense is absolutely ferocious right now.  If we could finally get that running game in gear that would be lovely by the grace of Yahweh ben Yahweh himself.  Still, I'm hoping Sparano is employing some Siberian Ice Water torture this week to get them somewhat acclimated.

And Then There Was That Time Nate Jones was Bitten by a Radioactive Spider

Before we move on to next week's game.... hows bout a little love for the suddenly overcome with a serious bout of badassery, Nathan Jones? Three tackles, including two keys sacks -- one that took the 49ers out of field goal range? That's nothing more than badassery. Badassery at it's finest.

Bend But Don't Break

Was there a more appropriate way to end the game than Peezy slinging his helmet into the heavens after taking down Shaun Hill for the game clinching sack? I'm gonna go with Shit as well as No. Because there wasn't.

The 49ers had the football inside our 25 yard line four times, yet couldn't punch it into the endzone. And while San Fran owned the time of possession and moved the football down the field seemingly at will just about every single time they had the ball, they just couldn't seal the deal. Our D totally pulled a cock tease on them all day. And it was a sight to behold.

This is now the third game in a row where our defense has kept the other team out of the endzone. We haven't seen that kind of defensive badassery around these parts since 1973. Meanwhile, Vernon Davis came into this game talking a whole lotta shit, specifically about Joey Porter. He came in here expecting to leave the game as the Guy Who Took Down the Dolphins. But after Peezy and the defense had their way with him, he left the game as that creepy guy from Silence of the Lambs who tucks his junk between his legs and struts in front of a mirror pretending to be a lady.

As it always is with the shittier opponents, the Fins made this one an adventure. Just when it looked like we were on our way to a thorough beat down of the Prospectors with two quick touchdowns from Chad to the tight ends -- one to No Face and the other to the Emo Tight End -- our offense decided to shut things down and flat out refused to convert first downs. The Dolphins made only 11 first downs and converted just one third-down all day. Normally this would send me in a Tom Cruise-like psychosomatic fervor, jumping on couches, manhandling fat black talk show hostesses, harassing Matt Lauer and kicking puppies off a bridge in downtown. But, the tits of it is, the offense had no turnovers. And, in even more titsy goodness, the offense remains on pace to set an NFL record for fewest turnovers in a season. See? Tits! Tits are nice.

Should we be concerned that the offense can't seem to find some cohesiveness? Yea, maybe a little. But I believe in these guys. And I believe in miracles (look no further than how Brian Austin Green's life has turned out). And I believe in Peezy and his league-leading 17 and-a-half sacks. And while it would have been nice if the Pats and Jets had lost, we all knew that wasn't going to happen. So it just sets up the showdown with the Bad Guys and their douchey fans and mustachioed women in two weeks. For now, we need to ride this rock & roll train into KC next week and keep playing our brand of 1973 Miami Dolphins football.