Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Good Riddance A--hole!

In my entire adult lifetime, no professional athlete has annoyed the shit out of me more than Brett Fucking Favre.

The whole "aw-shucks I play the game like a kid" bullshit wore out with me very early on. I never understood the weekly suck-a-thon the mainstream media (ESPN, Peter King, John Madden, etc) had for the guy every goddamn season. Never mind all the interceptions this anal fissure threw. And all the times he absolutely killed his teams in the playoffs with his asinine "gunslinger" approach that made the Woody Paige's of the world cream their underoos. Lost in his entire shitstain of a career was the fact that the guy was addicted to pain killers for a long long time, yet called an Iron-Man of the game. Any other athlete in any other sport would have been crucified by the World Wide Leader. But because it's St. Brett, he gets a pass. Fucking deer hunting shitbag. And there is, of course, his inability to call it quits. Which is the sole reason he was able to break any of Dan Marino's records.

The will he-won't-he bullshit he put us through every off-season, after every tearful retirement announcement, seemed to suck the very life out of football every year. The guy is the biggest narcissist I've ever seen in sports. And that's a list that includes Terrell Owens and Dennis Rodman.

So it's fitting that the last sad image of Brett's career came at the hands of our Miami Dolphins blowing his shit up, and ending his dream season with the Jets. Because, apparently, he made it official today by telling the Vikings he's staying retired. Until, of course, he has a press conference where he announces that he'll be having a press conferene where he might announce that he's coming back.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, fuck you with a snowplow, Brett Favre! Fuck you with a rusty cheese grater from Wisconsin. And fuck you with a deer carcass. All simultaneously, if possible.

Parcells Shockingly Signs a Tight End

The Dolphins have agreed to terms with fifth round pick, tight end John Nalbone. It's a four-year contract that includes a $173,000 signing bonus.

Nalbone's contract includes an escalator clause in 2012 for the low restricted tender if he reaches a 35-percent playing time level during any of the next four seasons.

So Bill Parcells' dream of fielding an all-tight end team is nearly complete. The recent news of Ernest Wilford playing H-Back is another piece of the tight endy puzzle.

Parcells' love for tight ends borders on obsession. Like me with Megan Fox. Only he actually has tight ends, while I have my pillow. Some would say there's a huge difference between the real Megan Fox and my pillow. But keep in mind that my pillow also doubles as Marissa Miller, Lucy Pinder, and both girls from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. So, in the end, I think we all know who the real winner in all this is.

The Robot Can Only Be Made Stronger With Pat White's Arrival

Armando Salguero writes about the impeding competition between Pat White and Chad Henne. Aside from annoyingly continuing to call the Wild Cat WildPat (dude, seriously, it's not that clever), Captain Teabags makes some good points in this post. Mainly, he points out that Henne is the better overall quarterback. White is a dynamic athlete to be sure, but he lacks the arm strength, velocity, pocket presence and overall cyborgian girth that makes Henne the favorite to win the starting job in 2010. Moreover, the fact that Jeff Ireland claimed that White was drafted to be a quarterback should be seen as nothing more than a message to both White and Henne that the starting job is up for grabs once Chad Pennington exits stage left.

[Henne] has the superior arm. He has the superior pocket presence. He is not as mobile as White, but neither is he immobile. And I have never seen him overmatched by any situation or circumstance during his 12 months in Miami.

 
Robots are not easily over matched by much of anything. That said, White looks like a guy who will bring it once the starting QB competition opens up this time next year. It'll bring the best out of both men. The Robot's death ray vs. Pat White's Jedi mind tricks. Should be interesting.

Personally, I've always envisioned White coming in for Wild Cat plays and other variations of the spread while also taking snaps and running regular plays from time to time. Just to fuck with defenses. They'll basically have to prepare for two quarterbacks when they prepare to play the Fins. Chad Henne will fuck up your secondary. Pat White will fuck up your mind. It's gonna be awesome.

The Revolution Will Be All Up Our Opponents' Asses

I can't tell you how excited I got when Roger Goodell announced Pat White as the Dolphins pick in the second round. Not Megan Fox touches me in my happy place excited. But excited nonetheless. Not only will he make the Wildcat formation psychedelic as fuck but, as Omar Kelly reports today, he knows a dude who knows a dude who says he thinks Pat White will revolutionize the NFL.

Actually, it's an NFL scout Omar spoke with:

One front-office official believes the Miami Dolphins are trying to revolutionize pro football by bringing the spread to the NFL, and he said the right player to do it in White.

Jon Gruden jizzed himself when the Fins selected White and proclaimed that "the spread offense was officially in the NFL." Jimmy Johnson expanded on the whole Ballsedelicness of Pat White on 560 QAM radio last week saying, "For the 30 minutes it takes to put in a Wildcat play it takes a defense a day to figure it out and work on how to stop it." Fuck. And yea!

While the Patriots run a form of the Spread Offense with Brady, Moss, Welker and all the other New England Faggots, and the Wildcat itself is a form of the Spread Offense, with White onboard, it's about to get crunked up like a motherfucker in this hizzy. Because White brings an electrifying dynamic to the formation -- namely, his heaping balls of crazy-ass speed in addition to his ability to throw the football like a pocket quarterback. Brady can throw, but the dude runs like my Mom. Haha fuck him (Love you Mom!). With an athletic dynamo like White, what starts off as a traditional Spread Offense now becomes the Spread Option. And that means all kinds of crazy shit like the Wish Bone, the Wing-T, the Flexbone and other batshit formations. And that, my friends, is what's gonna fuck some people's shit up real good.

Best part about getting White: Bill Belichick wanted him. Both he and Parcells scouted him hard, and many "experts" swore White was going to end up a Patriot. And they would have all dropped to their knees ready to verbally suck off the Belidouche as an innovative genius who deserves all praise and honor and glory Amen. Except they forgot the Cockpuncher taught him pretty much everything he knows. And the Cockpuncher is the one who ended up with White. And yet he gets a C- minus from Mel Kiper Shitforbrains. Cockbag.

Will White revolutionize the NFL? Who knows. But at least a couple of scouts believe he will be, at the very least, an electrifying presence on the field that will make opposing defensive coordinators' balls more sweaty than usual.

Pat White is a Miami Dolphin. I don't know about you, but my nipples are so hard, they can engrave the Articles of Confederation and Perpetual Union in Sanskrit on an uncut diamond right about now.

Omar Kelly Would Like To Remind You That He Is, In fact, The T*ts

So while Mel Kiper is still munching on his lunch consisting of a dick sub and Red Bull, Omar Kelly posts his take on the draft and tells us why so-called experts like Mel and Maycock and McShay need to shut the fuck up about not liking the Dolphins' class.

One of my scouting buddies told me his team spends roughly $5 million a year (and that's a conservative estimation) scouting 300 college prospects, trying to determine if they have a future in the NFL. Sure it's a crap shoot still, but they have a better chance of predicting if J.D. Folson will hit big than all of the second-guessers of the world, including those employed by a major media outlet, or newspaper.

In other words, Eat a dick, Mel!

P.S.: the pic above appeared during an 'Omar Kelly' Google image search. Make of it what you will.

FN Would Like To Cordially Invite Mel Kiper Jr. To Suck a Bag of D*cks

The guy who's perfected and made a career of talking about something that is pretty much a crap shoot, gave the Dolphins draft class an overall grade of C-minus. What a fully-coiffed dick. I would give you the real ESPN link, but you'd have to plunk down 20 bucks to become an Insider so you can read what Mel has to say. Who knew that in this economy horseshit was worth that much? Hey-ohhhh!

You can see my Day One analysis here. Clearly, I think Day One was the cat's meow Scarlett Johanssons tits. So, Day One gets an A grade.

Day Two I wasn't too crazy about. Some are calling Pat Turner a reach. They're also going to knock the whole USC-receiver thing. Those people can go get fucked by a penguin. Because Turner was a solid pick. He's clearly a guy Parcells and Crew liked. A huge target with good hands and a guy that was chosen to compliment Ted Ginn's speed, DAvone Bess' versatility and Greg Camarillo's quickness.

The rest of the guys I'm not too keen on. The Brian Hartline pick did seem like a reach. Not sure I like spending 4th rounders on special teams guys not named Devin Hester. Not sure we couldn't have found him after the draft. Some people like Chris Clemons, but I'm not sold. The Andrew Gardner pick was solid because you can never have enough productive O-linemen (from the ACC no less). The JD Folsom pick is a total fucking mystery. But it was a 7th round pick, so we'll see.

As for the lack of drafting a DT: after BJ Raji and Ron Brace, I'm not sure there was someone the Fins liked enough to draft. Raji went in the top of the draft and Brace was taken by Belidouche in the 2nd round (which probably led to us getting the ballsedelic Pat White) It was a fairly weak DT class after the Boston College guys. The Fins also signed a bunch of undrafted players, which we'll get to shortly.

FN Dolphins Draft Grade

Day One: A

Day Two: C

Overall Grade: B

Megan Fox: Sitting on my face.

Mel Kiper Jr: Eating a dick sandwich.

Round 7 Picks: ILB JD Folsom, Weber State

Pick 214 (from Cleveland): ILB JD Folsom, Weber State. Weber State? At this point, I think Parcells is going out of his way to find the most obscure schools to draft dudes from. Just because he can. I dare you to Google this guy and find something that tells you anything about him as a football player. Here's the best I got: He studied to be a veterinarian. He played inside linebacker. He may or may not be a Mormon.

Pick 237 (from Carolina): Was traded to the Chiefs. Because it's enough already. The Chiefs sent the Dolphins their 7th rounder for next year.

The draft is over. But there is still work to be done. We found Devone Bess as an undrafted rookie last year. Now we need to find a rookie NT. Or build ourselves a Jason Ferguson robot. Whichever can be done before next week's rookie camp.

Round 6 Pick: OT Andrew Gardner, Georgia Tech

Now we're back to picking up the types of guys Parcells loves so well. Big wood-chip eating motherfuckers with big hands and big balls and big motors. With their 6th round pick, the Fins take OT Andrew Gardner out of Georgia Tech.

At 6'6, 304 pounds, Gardner is large man. Big frame, long arms, big bear paws, and is totally a Parcells/Sparano-guy: a mauler who plays aggressive and doesn't take any shit from you, you goddamned pansy. Gardner is a hard worker and started all four years at GT. He's not very quick on his feet, but for a sixth-round trencher, he doesn't need to be. He'll just pick you up and eat you. He's perfectly suited for the running game, which is good news for Black Thunder and company. It's a solid pick and adds depth to the offensive line. Donald Thomas, anyone?

Round 5 Picks: TE John Nalbone, Monmouth; S Chris Clemons, Clemson

The Fins entered the 5th with two picks.

Pick 161: TE John Nalbone, Monmouth. Man does Parcells love his tight ends. And who knew Monmouth was a real place? Nalbone is a big fella at 6'4, 255 pounds. Mike Mayock described him as a bit of a 'tweener. Not a great blocker and not a great pass catcher. But he has terrific speed and uses his size and athleticism to his advantage (I totally just sounded like Mayock there!). We now have exactly 5,875 tight ends on our roster. Here's hoping that Nalbone makes the cut. Because his name has him tailor made for FN dick jokes. And at the end of the day, that's what truly matters. Maybe.

Pick 165 (from Indianapolis): S Chris Clemons from Clemson. Not sure about this pick in the fifth round. 6-feet, 208 pounds, Clemons has decent speed, is well built and had a productive career at Clemson. But nothing much stands out about him. More than that, his teammate and fellow safety Michael Hamlin is projected as a better prospect. But the Fins went with Clemons instead. Hamlin was picked right after him by the Cowboys.

All in all, a weird second day so far. The Turner pick was solid. After that, it feels like the Fins have been reaching for the last few guys. But I've been logged on Twitter and diddling with my balls all day, so what the hell do I know.

Round 4 Pick: WR Brian Hartline, Ohio State

Dolphins take another receiver with their 4th rounder. Brian Hartline from Ohio State.

Don't know who this guy is. Mainly because I only pay attention to black receivers. But here's what I dug up on Hartline: 6'1, 195 lbs. He's not all that fast, but he's athletic, intelligent, has good build and good hands. He's known for his blocking and his work ethic, which likely means he's a special teams guy. He also compares himself to Colts receiver Anthony Gonzalez. Not sure if it's because Gonzalez is a former Buckeye, or because he's white. I think the Fins may have reached for him with such a high pick, but I'm typing this in my underwear at 1:00 in the afternoon, so what the hell do I know.

Update: Palm Beach Post has a quote from Hartline:

Hartline said he also brings a presence on special teams, a key to getting on the field for a Dolphins wide receiver.

"I love it," Hartline said. "I like cracking heads. It's a lot of fun."

Awesome.