Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Round 3 Pick: WR Patrick Turner, USC

Bill Parcells and his Cockpuncher Brigade pick up today where they left off yesterday and use their 3rd round pick to select USC WR Patrick Turner.

Turner can be aptly described as a big motherfucker. 6'5 223 pounds of big motherfuckerness. He's a rock of a dude too. Someone who will go down the middle (just like me, ladies!) and makes pretty much all the catches. He has great hands and is built like a rock. Not to mention his redzone presence. He's strong, aggressive, and is known for his sharp route running prowess.

Turner had a really solid senior season catching passes from the Dirty Sanchez and should be a physical presence on the field for us catching passes from Captain Balls and, eventually, The Robot. Oh and also Pat White (geeeeee!!) Like Hakeem Nicks, Turner plays faster than he times, and has really good straight-line speed. First reaction: He's a poor-poor man's T.O. Except without all the narcissistic dickishness.

Great pick. Again.

The Wildcat is Going to be Fookin' AWESOME This Season

Forget chubbers.  You're going to get a full-on hard fuckin' COCK MADE OF STEEL watching the highlights Omar posted on his blog this morning.  Holy fuckin' shit.  Next year could be real, real fun to watch.

Bill Parcells Would Like To Remind You That He Is, In fact, A F*cking Genius

I can't remember the last time I felt this good about the first day of the draft. I'm talking Megan Fox's ass in my face awesome.

The Vontae Davis pick was solid. It filled a huge void with an amazing talent. While my heart said Hakeem Nicks, my brains said great pick, my balls said something else entirely that has nothing to do with football.

I absolutely love the Pat White pick. The guy is straight up explosive. He has a laser-rocket arm, is elusive and quick and has great hands. I think he might be a Jedi. Luxury pick, my ass. Pat White is a Dolphin and he's going to fuck opposing defenses up good and proper. Period.

The Sean Smith and his wing-span-for-days pick was a thing of beauty. We traded out of the 54th pick, got an extra 5th rounder, and still got our guy. 6'3, 209 pounds of badassery right there. Add him to a secondary that features Yeremiah Bell, Gibril Wilson, Will Allen and Vontae Davis and you can pretty much already smell the shit in our opponents' pants. Prediction: Wes Welker will burst into a cloud of dust this season.

All of this also leaves the door wide open for the possible return of Jason Taylor. With no pass rushers or linebackers taken with the first three picks, and with a secondary loaded with athleticism, it seems like a logical conclusion. WIth JT playing the hybrid position that won him Defensive Player of the Year in 2006 with his 13.5 sacks and the ravaging of Tom Brady's ass, plus Cameron Wake, Matt Roth, Jason Ferguson, Kendall Langford, Phillip The Cod Piece Merling and Joey Porter making up the defensive front.... holy! and fuck! and balls! That's not a defense -- that's a genocide waiting to happen. A bringer of desolation to opposing offenses. Destruction incarnate.

And we're not even done yet. Keep it here tomorrow as we close out the draft. You can also keep up with us on Twitter.

Tits.

Our Secondary Will Obliterate Your Balls

With the 61st pick, the Dolphins select CB Sean Smith, Utah.

As you all may know, this was my other guy (after Nicks).

Vontae Davis.

Sean Smith.

My nipples just exploded.

The Wildcat Just Officially Got More Kick-Assy!

With the 44th pick of the NFL Draft, the Fins select QB/WR Pat White, West Virginia

That's fucking titalicious!

This dude can run, throw and catch. He's an athlete. Look for David Lee and the Fins offensive coaches to put more wrinkles into the offense this year.

I love it!

Update: DRK's Take: Interesting pick and you wonder what it means for Ronnie Brown. This guy could be fuckin' lethal in an expanded Wildcat. Peep him doing cool shit and running around and stuff here.

The Dolphins Have V.D.

In the end, it's a good pick.

Vontae Davis has a shitload of talent. He's big, strong, fast and explosive. He has all the tools to be a shutdown corner. My gut reaction was a downer. What with my man Hakeem Nicks (who went to the Giants) still there, along with Kenny Britt, and Rey Maualuga. Davis' character is a question mark. But who better to kick him in his ass and keep him in line than Parcells and Sparano?

Futhermore, our division is loaded with big-play receivers like T.O. and Randy Moss, and features offenses like New England's, who like to play the spread. Not to mention the Dirty Sanchez's arrival in New York. WIth Davis on board, along with Will Allen, Yeremiah Bell and Gibirl Wilson, our secondary is suddenly pretty cockpunchy. Spinkle in that improving defensive front, and suddenly the big picture looks like a pair of wonderful tits. And who's gonna argue with that?

On to the second round....

Updated: Omar's take.

FN NFL Draft Live-Blog (hit refresh for updates)

I called it. Sorta. First reaction: Guh. Maualuga, Nicks, Matthews, Laurinitis were all there for the taking. Instead, we went with the dick top player of the corner backs class. He'll be a controversial pick, that's for sure. Welcome aboard, dick Vontae. In Bill We Trust?!!


With the 25th overall pick, the Miami Dolphins select: CB VONTAE DAVIS, Illinois


6:42: Here we go. Great players still available.

6:38: Two. More. Picks. To. Go. And a shitload of talent available. So, you know, save Darius for the second round, Bill. Just sayin.

6:33: Douchebags traded their pick to the Ravens. I think Rey Maualuga is off the board with this pick. Guess not.

6:30: The Douchebags are on the clock.

6:28: No Percy Harvin for us! Thank you, Jesus.

6:25: Gotta say, Mangina is running this draft pretty well.

6:13: Five picks to go!

6:10: The Eagles traded up, so it looks like Maclin will be off the board.

5:51: Larry English is off the board. Fuck.

5:47: Tits Before The Commish!

5:45: Cushing is off the board. Shit.

5:33: Gotta say, I'm a little bummed about this Butler story.  Must.... Trust.... Parcells...

5:27: Aaron Maybin, we'd like to introduce you to.... Jake Long.

5:09: ***BREAKING*** According to UConn CB Darius Butler's father, the Fins have promised him he'll be their guy at 25.

4:56: Heyward-Bey? Over Crabtree??? Thank Christ I'm not a Raider fan.

4:50: Fuck Nick Saban with a rabid marmot with gonorrhea.

4:45: TA in the comments: "NOW GET ME A FUCKING OLB TO CRUSH HIS SKULL!!" (gotta love The Nation!)

4:42: Welcome to the World of Pain, Dirty Sanchez.

4:32: Aaron Curry is a Seahawk. Best part about that was Steve Young being interrupted during his Seattle's! Gotta! Take! Sanchez! diatribe.

4:26: Seahawks are on the clock. Now is when shit starts to get interesting. Will the Jets move up to grab Mark Sanchez? I hope so. Only because I'd love to call him Dirty Sanchez every year. It's all about the dick jokes, people!

4:17: Chiefs are on the clock.

4:15: Jason Smith. Solid pick by the Rams.

4:10: Steve Young just threw Marc Bulger under the bus. What a Latter-Day dick. Keyshawn has to chime in because Keyshawn has Hall of Fame credentials. Oh wait....

4:08: Welcome to the NFL. You're a Lion now. You're fucked!

4:07: The Manning Brothers send Stafford a welcome message. What a couple of cockbaggy douches.

4:05: We're only five minutes in and Chris Berman already has me wanting to stuff my nuts into a coffee grinder. Tone it down, Boom. Fat fuck.

4:04: Was really hoping the Lions would take up the entire clock. Because, fuck it. 0-16. I think they earned it. Matthew Stafford is a Lion.


Let's do this.

Could Vontae Davis Drop to the Dolphins?

Nobody knows what the hell the Dolphins will do tomorrow. But that hasn't stopped the likes of Todd McShay and Don Banks from telling us who they'll take. One very popular theory hitting the last stretch of draft mockery has been Illinois cornerback Vontae Davis becoming a Fin (McShay has Davis coming here, here's one, here's another, aaaaand another). This is mainly due to the fact that the Dolphins cornerback corps is made up of Will Allen, Eric Green, one of them sad hobo clowns, Nick Saban's anal cist (ie: Jason Allen) and a dude named Scorpio.

Davis is arguably the best corner in the draft. But he's got two things going against him that could cause his stock to drop: one, his brother is Vernon Davis and Vernon Davis is a dick, and two, Vontae is no slouch in being a bit of a dick himself. That's double the dickishness going against this guy. So because of the double-dick problem, some draft experts have Davis falling out of the Top 10 and to the Dolphins at 25. He's a great athlete, is explosive, strong and could potentially be a shut down corner. But Davis is known for taking risks on the field, and his dickish antics got him demoted and benched a couple times at Illinois. And if there's one thing Bill Parcells hates, aside from your Soy latte-drinking Grey's Anatomy-watching pansy ass, it's dickish antics.

Some would say the Dolphins need to pull the trigger if Davis is there. The Miami secondary is pretty much the worst thing anyone has ever seen in the history of all things. And with the 2009 season having us facing T.O. twice, Randy Moss twice, Steve Smith, Marques Colston, Torry Holt, Andre Johnson, Santonio Holmes and maybe even Anquan Boldin, we're looking at a shit storm of Biblical proportions raining down on our defense if we don't do something about it.

But is Vontae worth the risk? Is taking another chance on a cornerback with a first round pick worth the risk? Our history is not all that hot when it comes to first-round corners. Or should we overlook all that and get aquire contract draft V.D. in favor of shoring up our shitty secondary?

Discuss. And please feel free to hijack the comments, as you did yesterday, and talk about how the girl from Small Wonder gives you a chub.

Bill Parcells Goes Into The Draft With A Clear Blueprint

If that blueprint consists of punching cocks and laying waste our enemies all while scarfing down a 20 oz. medium rare T-bone, then yes. Yes he does.

"The key thing right now in Miami, and it's been this way throughout Bill's career, is that there's one voice making the decisions," said former Baltimore Ravens coach Brian Billick, an NFL Network analyst. "It's not that he's a dictator; he's soliciting input from everybody on what they're trying to do there. But at the end of the day there's a very clear vision of where the team is going. And that strength at the top is very important."

Mock Draft Orgy

No one knows how the hell this whole thing is going to go this weekend. So the following is basically just an exercise in futility until Saturday comes. But just for fun, we take a look at several mock drafts. I think we can all agree that if someone happens to guess the correct pick for the Dolphins, that that someone will act like insufferable know-it-all dick from now until the end of days. Especially if that someone is me.

• For some reason, the Sun-Sentinel saw fit to post a mock draft done by the Baltimore Sun. You could not pick a more random newspaper from a more random shit town. Might as well have gone with the Horneytown Herald. Anyway, the brainiacs from the Baltimore Sun have the Fins taking CB Darius Butler, UConn. 
• The Sporting News held a mock draft with sports writers picking for their respective city's team. The Herald's Jeff Darlington selects CB Vontae Davis, Illinois. If Vontae's pro career turns out to be anything like his brother Vernon's, then we're golden! Golden is of course a euphemism for having our collective scrotums shoved into a Cuisinart set on 'dice.'
• Pat Kirwan of NFL.com has us taking WR Hakeem Nicks, UNC. Just the fact that Pat Kirwan likes the same guy I do makes my brain hurt a lot. 
• The charisma-deficient Mike Florio of PFT has some mysterious entity making his picks for him. He calls this enigmatic Deep Throat-like figure Mr. X. Why so secretive? It's a damn mock draft, not a government probe on who shot JFK. The so-called Mr. X has us taking LB Brian Cushing, USC. 
• Scout.com gives the Dolphins DE Aaron Maybin, Penn State. That would actually be the tits. I really like tits, so that means that I would really like this pick. Very seriously doubt a beast like Maybin drops to 25. But you never know. Tits work in mysterious ways, man.
  
• The National Football Post has the Fins taking CB Sean Smith, Utah. That works for me. Only problem: they've got the Ravens taking Ray Maualuga right after us. No way that happens if the Samoan Grinder is there for Parcells. 
• As DRK chronicled last week, SI.com's Mr. Analysis has the Fins taking WR Kenny Britt, Rutgers over Maualuga. Because Britt's a Jersey guy! Just like Bill Parcells! Sure Maualuga could potentially be the next Shawn Merriman and become the game-breaking cornerstone for our defense for the next decade. But he's not from Jersey. Fuck that guy.