Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

I'm Not Gonna Say I'm As Smart As Bill Parcells But....

Sure we have as much a shot at drafting a receiver with our first pick as I have at Bar Refaeli walking into my office right now, sans clothes, and using my face as a make-shift Mad Tea Party. But if we did draft a receiver with our first pick, it would be my man Hakeem Nicks. Because he's my guy. And, apparently, he's Bill Parcells' guy too:

IF the Dolphins decision makers go that route there is one player in this draft whose skill sets fit this team's needs. His name is Hakeem Nicks, and he played for former Hurricanes coach Butch Davis at the University of North Carolina...I've been told by a couple of scouts he's the one receiver in this draft that has Bill Parcells written all over him....

Clearly this is not going to go the way I want. It never does with the Dolphins. But I will keep hope alive and dream. Just like Christmas of '85 when I asked Santa for a GI Joe, but got an Army Pete instead. We need a play-making receiver. And, as with any great franchise quarterback, The Robot will need his go-to-guy of the future. Hakeem can be that guy. Because that guy isn't on this roster right now.

....most importantly, he has the one ingredient that this Dolphins receiver corp is missing: the shake and bake quickness, run after the catch ability needed to turn a short dig pass into a 20 or 30 yards gain. He did plenty of that during his career as a Tar Heel....

So while Ted Ginn has to throw a birthday party at a bar just so that Bills safety Donte Whitner can then get involved in a 3 AM brouhaha so that the cops can come and taser him, Hakeem will out run the Bills secondary -- and all other secondaries -- the old fashioned way: by being a badass playmaker who runs routes like an NFL receiver and not like an apiologist. Oh snap!

MVN Mock Draft: The Miami Dolphins Select....

BAM! It's no secret that I love me some Hakeem Nicks. And low and behold, he just fell into our laps in the MVN Mock Draft! Yay fake drafts!

The Dolphins need help in a lot of places. Since the Broncos took all our cornerbacks in the off-season, we're depleted at the position. A first round target could be Utah's Sean Smith, but he's off the MVN draft board so that Atlanta blog that picked ahead of us can go suck it.

No one knows what the hell we're going to do at 25. Bill Parcells loves the hybrid linebackers who can play the 3-4 and can crash into the opposing quarterback's face and make them shit their pants. That much we know. 

But with Cushing, Matthews, Sintim, and Laurinitis all off the MVN board, the Dolphins would likely wait for the second round to draft a Cody Brown or a Marcus Freeman if things fell this way. At this point, it's best player available time. And Hakeem is that.

The Dolphins held a private workout with Nicks a few weeks ago in North Carolina. Parcells himself was in attendance. That says a lot. Because, along with broccoli, soy lattes, and your pansy-ass faggoty attitude, traveling is something Bill Parcells abhors. For him to leave the comfort of his golf courses and horse races to go see some dude catch a few footballs says a lot.

Bang it here to read my analysis. I guarantee you it's the only mock draft you'll ever read that features the phrase "indubitably the balls" in it.

Miami Dolphins: Now With 30% Less Samoan

Hope you kept the receipt for that Samson Satele jersey. Because the Dolphins just traded him to the Raiders for an undisclosed draft pick. They've essentially picked up the pick they gave up to the Jaguars for DT Tony McDaniel. With the acquisitions of Joe Berger and Jake Grove earlier this off-season, Satele became the odd man out. Parcells and Co. never really liked his lack of push anyway.

Satele, a second-round pick (60th) in 2007 acquired in the trade of receiver Wes Welker to the Patriots, has started from day one, but the new regime wasn't happy with the thrust up the middle as the former Hawaii standout was often overpowered by some of the AFC East's massive nose tackles, particularly Jets defensive tackle Kris Jenkins and Patriots' nose Vince Wilfork.

In a related story, sources say Megan Fox wasn't happy with the thrust up the middle from that douchey no-talent douche she's been dating. You see, that's why I'm on this quest to find myself and to seek enlightenment. I'm no dalai lama but I'm pretty sure I can find those things in Megan Fox's vagina.

Nobody Knows What the Hell We're Gonna Do

There's something like 834,654,000,000,000 mock drafts out there and not a single one agrees with the other on who the Dolphins will be taking when they pick 25th overall. But no worries. Edgar Thompson is here to break it down.... Edgar Thompson style:

Kiper has Illinois' CB Vontae Davis, considered the No. 2 CB in the draft, continuing his free fall and landing in South Florida. But Davis could be the upswing after his pro day Wednesday.

McShay pegs USC LB Brian Cushing, calling him "a steal."

Wright's Draft Countdown and that of NFL.com's Pat Kirwan, agree the Dolphins will target Cushing's teammate, Clay Matthews Jr.

[Don] Banks might be on the money with his prediction: Virginia OLB Clint Sintim.

FoxSports.com projects Northern Illinois OLB Larry English, who scored big points at the combine, going to Miami.

Meanwhile, longtime analyst Frank Coyle of draftinsiders.com, has the Dolphins taking Oklahoma State TE Brandon Pettigrew, who ran a slow time at the combine that could drop him from the fringe of the top 10.

Frank Coyle has us taking a slow tight end? Yea why not. Look, be prepared because you're going to be seeing a crapload of mock drafts between now and April 25th (including right here at FN) and they're all gonna be different. At this point we should all know that when our turn rolls up, Parcells is likely going to call a name nobody expected. Because that's the way it always goes. We have so many needs, it's tough to say definitively which way we'll lean -- cornerback, linebacker, defensive tackle, wide receiver -- and it's tough to guess how the draft will flow by the time the 25th pick rolls around. Anything can happen. Either way, you gotta like those names being floated around in those mocks (I'm taking a liking to Sintim myself, ever since DRK mentioned him).

It'll be fun to see how it all unfolds. It's always cool to see those kids walk up with their new team's cap on their head, like our very own Jake Long last year. Walking up and shaking the commissioner's hand, looking sharp in his cream colored suit and silk tie. Although if I ever get drafted, I'll be showing up with a top hat and a monocle. But that's just me. I'm classy!

Dolphins Attend Workout of Generically-Named Jason Williams

The Dolphins had representatives at the Northwestern Pro Day workout of projected mid-round pick Jason Williams, a linebacker that actually attended Western Illinois University.  He's listed at 6'3" and 238lbs so he's definitely got the right size to play for us.  Also not too shabby??  The fuckin' blazing 4.42 40-yard time he ran at the workout.  Also of note is that he led the nation with 6 forced fumbles last year showing you that the FO is intent on getting some playmakers that can put the ball on the ground.  That gives me an instant Big Dick Day.

Anyway, worth keeping an eye on if we don't go LB with the very first pick or if we trade the #25 for a couple more in the 2nd and 3rd.

More info here and here.  All via PFT.

And Now FNs Completely Useless and Downright Arbitrary Linebacker Draft Prospect Rankings

Even with the signing of freak machine Cameron Wake and the re-signing of "el loco" Channing Crowder, we desperately need more playmaking linebackers in our 3-4 defense.  Big dudes that can pressure the QB opposite Joey Porter and create havoc in the second level of the defense.  Thus, continuing in the tradition of my partner-in-crime, Le Dude, here's a bit of a breakdown on reasonably available LB prospects in this year's draft.  As The Dude did with Crabtree, I'm tossing out Aaron Curry since there's unfortunately no way in fucking Hell that we're getting this guy unless he's found in a parked car with a kilo of Bolivian Gold and a loaded Uzi.  In other words, unless he provides us with a Maurice Clarrett moment, this guy will likely be a Top 3 pick.

 

On with the prospects:

 

1.  Rey Maualuga, USC:  I will never get used to typing that guy's name but he's the total MLB package, a void that is glaring in our defense.  He's got good size and great speed, he's hard hitting and he's great in coverage.  He's been a starter at MLB since his sophomore year and comes from a great defensive school in USC.  This guy will be flying all over the place from Day One in the NFL and he's got the crazy fucker instincts of a Polamalu.

 

Chances We Get Him:  Slim and none.  I considered not even including him in here but he does have a few character issues that may cause him to slip a little (see his doggystyle dancing behind sideline princess Erin Andrews on YouTube). 

 

2.  James Laurinaitis, OSU:  Another MLB prospect that's a solid tackler that sheds blocks well and has a good sense of where the play is going on every snap.  Smart kid that had a pretty sick junior year campaign winning the Butkus award as well as Big Ten Defensive Player of the Year.  Very Urlacheresque and not just cuz he's a cornfed white boy.  He may or may not have stuck his pistil in Paris Hilton. 

 

Chances We Get Him:  Decent.  But truth be told, I'm not a big fan of OSU LBs and I don't think anyone else out there is too impressed by them either.  I'm hoping we don't get this guy as much as he has all the tools on paper and played very well in college, particularly his junior year.

 

3.  Brian Cushing, USC:  My personal choice.  He's quick to the ball, makes plays and had a bang up Combine with top performances in a bunch of scientific minutae that doesn't necessarily mean shit.  He's also big enough to be an edge rusher at 6'3", 243.  Durability issues have been a big concern as he missed some games in '07 but held up for all of USC's 13 games in '08. 

 

Chances We Get Him:  Not too hot.  His draft stock has been rising steadily since the Combine but a couple of surprises by other teams in the first round (like, say, you have the 9th pick and you choose a kick returner with a bum ankle) and he could possibly fall to us.  He has the look and feel of a Parcells guy if he can stay on the field.

 

 

4.  Clay Matthews, USC:  USC really bringing it this year with the LBs.  He's only started 10 games and has some trouble shedding blockers.  He performed very well at the Combine behind Cushing's numbers.  A versatile dude that can play DE and LB (inside and out).  An intriguing prospect with a lot of 'upside' but that's what girls always say about my cock.  I'm a total 'grower'.  

 

Chances We Get Him:  Possible as he's in our range but I question his lack of experience.  Dude was a former walk-on so he's proven he can be hungry and produce but he's not someone I'd take with the 25th pick and I reckon neither will the Trifecta.

 

5. Clint Sintim, Virginia:  Great size and strength plus he's a Virginia guy so you know Groh will be in Parcells' ear about this kid.  His pass coverage skills are a bit weak but he's gotta be an improvement over Matt 'T-Rex Arms' Roth.  A good tackler, he struggles with lateral movement and change of direction - which makes him more ideal for a 3-4 than 4-3. 

 

Chances We Get Him:  A very solid early 2nd rounder if we can swing it and decide to go with DB or C for the first round. 

 

Next week:  I take on cornerbacks

See Also: FN's Wide Receiver Rankings

Dolphins Checked Out Sean Smith

Dolphins defensive backs coach Todd Bowles was in Utah yesterday. He was there for the University of Utah's Pro Day. Why the hell else would he be there? Specifically, he was there to scout cornerback Sean Smith. Here's a YouTube video of Smith's crazy one armed interception against Wyoming (only thing being reviewed here is his awesomeness).

This is fantastic news given that the Dolphins have a huge hole at the cornerback position. And at 6'3, 209 pounds, Smith needs to be on the Dolphins radar like right now. For the love of the sweet baby Jesus, please draft Sean Smith, Dolphins. The guy is just a massive heap of balls!! Sean Smith, not the baby Jesus.

Smith measured in at 6-3 1/2 and 209 pounds. He ran the 40-yard dash in 4.47 and 4.49 seconds. He had a 32-inch vertical and a 9-5 broad jump. He participated in position drills but did not do any shuttle drills, save for the 60-yard shuttle.

It's simple. We need a dude who can snatch footballs out of the sky, throw Randy Moss down like a sack of shitty diapers, intercept Tom Brady multiple times until he makes that stupid douchey pouty face he makes when he gets mad, shove a cleat hitch up Terrell Owens' ass, and help lead the Dolphins to multiple Super Bowl titles. Not asking for much here. And Sean Smith seems to have the full package. Size, speed, leaping ability and freakishly long arms. Look at them. You can land an airplane on those things. Well maybe not you. But I bet that old badass that landed a plane in the Hudson River could.

And Now FN's Completely Useless and Downright Arbitrary Wide Receiver Draft Prospect Rankings

Yesterdays the The Miami Herald reported that the Fins have interest in several receivers for next month's draft. My gut tells me the Fins will be taking either a linebacker/defensive end or nose tackle with their first pick. However, my gut also tells me that I should give gay porn a try, so I'm not sure my gut can be trusted or if my gut is just fucking with me.

Anyway, here now are my completely useless and downright arbitrary rankings of my four favorite WR prospects (after Crabtree and Maclin, of course). Keep in mind that in 2003 I wanted us to take Anquan Boldin or Ken Hamlin (we took Eddie Moore instead) and in 2005 I wanted Braylon Edwards and in 2006 Antonio Cromartie and 2007 Patrick Willis. Am I the smartest person alive? History would say yes. I do have a tendency to zip up too fast after I pee, so my penis would beg to differ.

1. Darrius Heyward-Bey, Maryland: He's big, he's got ludicrous speed and his name is hyphenated! Heyward-Bey is crazy fast. His 4.3 in the 40 was the fastest in the entire combine. But wait! There's more! Heyward-Bey isn't just another track star looking to be a receiver. At 6'3, 206 lbs. he's got a Larry Fitzgerald body and Randy Moss acceleration and leaping ability. He's raw, yes. But coachable and has a great work ethic, which Parcells loves so well. Am I in love with Darrius Heyward-Bey? No. I'm not. But I would totally blow him.
Chances we get him: Not good. He's a top 30 prospect, so he can go at any time. But unlike Michael Crabtree and Jeremy Maclin, he could very well be there at #25. But, Parcells is going to use that pick on defense or offensive line. Stupid Parcells and his ability to know football better than me. Still, hope. Morgan Freeman told me in the movie Shawshank Redemption to hope. And then that guy that scares my grandmother stole it from him and became President. The end.

2. Hakeem Nicks, North Carolina: If Heyward-Bey is Larry Fitzgerald, then Nicks is Anquan Boldin. I've had a thing for Nicks ever since I saw him shred the Hurricanes this past season. I remember thinking how I'd hoped he could sneak under the radar and land with the Fins, as he continued to pummel and wreck and destroy the Canes defense. It was a bitter sweet moment. Like when my mom told me I wasn't really a girl and to throw away my dollies already. Nicks won't turn any heads with his speed (he recorded a 4.6 40). But the dude is a football player. Like Anquan, he's a great athlete with great hands, is a physical player who isn't afraid to go up the middle (neither am I, ladies!) and has great body control. At 6'1, 210, he's tough to tackle and he has enough speed to spread defenses. Anquan 2.0? I'd say so. And I'm never wrong! Okay one time. But that dude totally looked like a chick last night!
Chances we get him: Good to pretty good. The Fins have been courting Nicks for a while (although they said the same thing about Jason Brown) and he could very well be there for our first second-round pick. In other words, if he's still there at pick #44, DRAFT THIS FUCKING GUY!!!

3. Kenny Brit, Rutgers: I could see the Fins maybe considering Brit with their first second rounder if he's still there. He doesn't have Heyward-Bey's speed or athleticism but, at 6'4, 215, he's bigger. I could also see the Fins not going anywhere near him. Brit is in a lot of ways, T.O. II: The Return of the Dickbag. He has great talent. He looks like T.O. and can even have a similar career, stats-wise, if he keeps his shit in order. But he has a reputation of being a premadonna and is a bit of a me person and seems to perform only when he feels like it. Just like my penis. He also has a history of dropping passes. In other words, yea no, it's not gonna happen.
Chances we get him: Right now, I'd say very slim. He's a tremendous talent but his work ethic is questionable. So is mine, which is why I've had 9,576 jobs in my lifetime. True story!

4. Brian Robiskie, Ohio State: Yep, Ted Ginn's ex-teammate. Yup, we're having this discussion because of Ted Ginn. Yup, feel free to punch yourself in the pills at any moment. I like Robiskie because he's very polished (git yer fuckin' shinebox!). At 6'3, he's a big target and he's good at running up the middle. In other words, he doesn't run like he's being chased by a bee. He's got great leaping ability, which makes him a nice endzone target on those fade passes in the corner that we just love to run so damn much even though it never works out. While he's smart and athletic, my loins aren't burning for him. They are, however, burning for another reason entirely. He would be a great addition, but wouldn't fill that big-game #1 receiver we so desperately need to compliment the Camarillos and Besses on the roster. But his coachabilty and smarts makes him someone I can see Parcells busting a nut over.
Chances we get him: Probably really good. Especially if we go all D-line, O-line, D-backs with our first few picks. He might be the best receiver left at that point and he has that thing that old-school dudes like Parcells likes. In a related story, I have that thing that old-school Scout masters and Catholic priests like.

So there you have it. Your thoughts? Feel free to add your own prospect in the comments. Also feel free to link to naked pictures of Megan Fox.

Friday Morning Link-Down Link Dump

Good Morning, Loved Ones

I hope you manage to secure a work-free day on your way to a bar, inevitable sloppy drunkeness and indescriminate, unprotected sex.  Let's get through a few links:

• Palm Beach Post runs down some not-so intriguing post-1st round WR talent at the Senior Bowl.  Certainly the most talented guy out of this bunch seems to be the freakish Ramses Barden but no doubt our Big Three are doing their homework to find some guy from Tuscaloosa College or something that no one's even looked at yet. 
• Begrudgingly I'll link to this.  If true, this is a pretty damn important day in Dolphins football history and for the shape of things to come.  Here's to hoping that Ross keeps his mouth shut while The Cockpuncher yells at him about inviting Jon Bon Jovi and his 48-year-old-mother-of-three haircut to our playoff game.  How can we show any kind of toughness to a team like the Ravens when Mr. 'Midnight in Chelsea' is parading our sideline??  Just open up your wallet and stay out of the way, goblin!
• As expected, Channing Crowder will test the free agency market.  All signs point to Channing arriving at various free agent signings just as the signing period ends only to land on top of someone else's bonus.  I kid!  I like Channing and I appreciate his honesty about his lack of big plays ("I have no big plays") but he's not a Mike and he shouldn't be getting Mike-money for his production thus far. 
• Helena, Montana's most electric resident, Dan Carpenter, returned home to do...umm...well, whatever it is you do in Montana.  I'm guessing that involves outdoor activities, a gun, a horse, wide open spaces, and a whole host of other shit they try to mimic out in Horse Country, Kendall.

Your suggested illegally-downloaded Friday album is:

David Byrne and Brian Eno at their finest and darkest.  If you don't know, now ya know.

 

Welp, that's all I got.  I'll be back a bit later with your most tit-tastic Weekender in quite some time.

 

Fins Need a Receiver Who Can Catch and Then Not Run Like He's Being Chased by Bees

The Herald's Barry Jackson runs down the free agency pool. And, unless you want to overpay or go all Rick Spielman on the wide receiver position and sign or trade for an aging shitty receiver, it looks like we're going to have to find our big-play receiver in the draft. Jackson thinks Tampa will franchise Antonio Bryant. Meanwhile, TJ Houshmandzadeh is another option. I wouldn't mind TJ at all. Just depends on what his asking price will be -- if he's not franchised tagged. Otherwise, we'll have our pick of guys like Amani Toomer, Devery Henderson, or Nate Washington.

The draft it is!

It was reported yesterday that Gators top receiver, Percy Harvin, will be foregoing his senior season in the Ass of Florida at Gainesville and enter the NFL Draft. I know there are a lot of you out there that are Gator fans or whatever the fuck and are hoping the Fins take Harvin at 25. But fuck you and your fan-boy colored glasses with a cement truck filled with broken shards of glass because that would be dumb. He's fast, yes. But he's small (5-10, 195), injury prone and is often compared to Reggie Bush. Outside of banging some chick with a gigantic ass, what has Reggie Bush ever done? The guy has the bone density of an 86 year old woman. No thanks. Besides, Harvin is a luxury pick. A guy you draft when you already have all the pieces together.

For my money, it's all about Michael Crabtree. But he'll be gone way before our draft slot rolls our way. We'd have to trade up to take him and that would mean giving up a craptload of picks and and we just can't be doing that. But shit in a dewy meadow and wipe your ass with a bunny, it would be sweet to land him.

What would be ideal is if the Fins can, at the very least, trade up and grab Missouri's Jeremy Maclin. That would be the tetas. Otherwise, wait to take a receiver with one of our second picks -- perhaps Maryland's Darrius Heyward-Bey if he's still on the board, or Rutgers' Kenny Brit -- and save the first rounder for a defensive speed rusher like LSU's Tyson Jackson, or a dominant defensive tackle like BC's B.J. Raji (heh, BJ) or a play-making linebacker like USC's Brian Cushing. Either way, somewhere, sometime, somehow this off-season, the Fins need to address the receiver position. Otherwise, it's another season sitting on the edge of our seats waiting for Vagina Hands to come around. Or, if the Dolphins let me run shit, offer Arizona one of our second rounders with another conditional pick for Anquan Boldin. How fucked in the face would that be? Pretty good fucked in the face, I think.