Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Rich People Ruin Everything

The NFL Draft, as we know it, will no longer be the same. Anytime rich people get their hands on something, it's invariably to make them richer, so fuck you if you liked it the way it was.

The NFL announced yesterday that the draft will move from a two day format of Saturday and Sunday, to a three day format in primetime. Starting on a Thursday night.

The NFL said Thursday that the first round will begin at 7:30 p.m. EDT on April 22. The second and third rounds will start at 6:30 p.m. on Friday, with the last four rounds beginning Saturday morning.

"Moving the first round to prime time on Thursday night will make the first round of the draft available to fans on what is typically the most-watched night of television," commissioner Roger Goodell said in a release.

This is just the beginning. Expect this thing to morph into an all-out glitz and glamor star-studded event in the next few years with U2 performing a medley with Pink or some shit. Same thing happened to the Super Bowl. It went from being a football game, to an event about how awesome the commercials are, a 4-hour mediocre halftime show, and millions of morons who know nothing about the game paying shitloads of money just to be seen there.

In my day we didn't need no halftime shows! We just went into the restroom and ate the urinal cakes to entertain ourselves before the second half! And we liked it! We LOVED it! Flippity-floo!!

Some Reading Material to Pass Away the Doldrums

If you're not reading Omar Kelly's Progression-Regression blog series this week, then you need someone to hold you down and shit in your mouth. It's just that simple.

No Horses Were Harmed While Filming This Video

Peezy's here to give us some respite from all the Stephen Ross Turning Our Beloved Franchise Into A Goddamn Fucking Joke nonsense.

Here's an NFL Network video of Joey Porter giving us an all access tour of the Dolphins training facility. It's not much but it does feature Channing Crowder sitting and dancing in a tub of ice, which is something. It also features a total Fuck Yea! moment with Chad Pennington studying game film. Game film. On a Tuesday. During the offseason. Suck on that, Bill Belichick!

Anyway, here's the video.

And Now, I Will Attempt to Find Stephen Ross and Skullf--k Him Until He Is Good And Dead

Just fucking kill me now.

Huizenga's Son and Captain Jean-Luc Picard* Arrested For BUI

(*not really)

Former Dolphins owner Wayne Huizena's son, Robert Ray Huizenga, was arrested this morning for BUI (boating under the influence. who knew that was a real thing?) Robert Ray -- who looks like and has the name of a would-be presidential assassin -- was already on probation for basically breaking an old man back in 2003.

Robert Ray Huizenga is on probation for a 2003 drunken-driving incident that left a 71-year-old man with a concussion, a gashed head and a broken elbow.

A call to Fort Lauderdale police at about 11:15 p.m. Monday about a suspected burglary in the 300 block of Lido Drive south of Las Olas Boulevard, triggered Huizenga's arrest.

The caller told police two men were jiggling and trying to open the rear door at her residence, according to a press release issued by the Fort Lauderdale Police Department.

When police arrived, Patrick Stewart, 44, was on the property and Huizenga, 47, was operating a 2005 Jupiter Marine vessel, the report said.

When officers asked Huizenga to throw them a rope so they could tie the boat to the dock, it took several attempts for Huizenga to successfully throw the rope, according to the report.

So to recap: Wayne's kid got shitfaced with Jean-Luc Picard, went boating and then tried to break into some random person's house. Christ. I can guaran-fuckin-tee you if my Dad was a billionaire, I would handle my shit much differently. I'm not saying I wouldn't get arrested for BUI. That goes without saying when you're a billionaire's kid. But my arrest reports would look a hell of a lot different, I can tell you that. There would still be a boat involved, of course. But it would also probably have high-priced hookers and mountains of coke involved as well. Also, I'd be rolling with William Shatner, at the very least. I'm just sayin.

David J. Neal Is My Hero

As we all know, the Dolphins are set to make a HOLY!!! NUTBAGS!!! MY!!! HEAD'S!!! BOUT!!! TO!!! SPLODE!!! MAJOR!!!! ANNOUNCEMENT!!! later today. That announcement: Marc Anthony will join Stephen Ross' Circus of the Shitty Has-Beens as a minority owner. For some reason, the announcement is being made in New York and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will be in attendance. Fuck everything in that last sentence.

Howevah!, the Herald's David J. Neal is keeping it real this morning:

And spare us any talk about the ``enhancing fans' in-game experience'' with spectacular pregame or halftime shows. Outside of the Super Bowl, we don't care and we usually don't care then, either. Halftime is when we do a reset: hit the restroom, reload on beer, nachos and hot dogs, concentrate on updates from other games coming through on our iPhones and BlackBerrys.

Damn straight. If The Gargoyle wants to share his team with other rich people, that's fine. But don't pretend like this is some kind of important event in the history of mankind. Don't call it a "Major Announcement." The only time those words should be associated with the Miami Dolphins is with the following: "Scientists at NORAD have cloned and created a 25 year old Dan Marino. He is expected to sign a 4-year contract with the Dolphins this afternoon."

Nobody gives a shit, Ross. You're turning our franchise into a fucking Cabaret with people who haven't been relevent in decades. For fucksake, man. Stop it! Now go get yer fuckin' shinebox!

... And We're Back

Hi. Hello. How are you.

Feels like decades since we've been away. Even longer when you add the whole off-season doldrums into the mix. All in all, the off-season sucks ass. The good news is we're here and the doldrums are almost at an end. The better news is that training camp is a mere two weeks away. And our first pre-season game against the Jaguars is a mere four weeks away. And we all know what that means. It means shit's about to get crazy up in here.

So, join us, won't you? What the hell else you gonna do?

-Dude & The Kid

Back Away From the Ledge ... We're Coming Back Soon

Apparently, the world turns into a shitload of crazy when FN slows down or stops altogether. Sarah Palin quit her job because of this shit. Also, a bunch of famous people just up and fucking died. Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, Steve McNair, Karl Malden, Robert McNamara, Arturo Gatti. Holy! Fuck!

So to return the Universe to order, and to keep more celebrity lives from needlessly being lost, I am ending my self-imposed exile, and FN will be coming back, full tilt, on Monday July 20.

Dick jokes, Megan Fox, extreme dorkedry and pictures of half-naked women and their fantastic asses galore. Oh, and, we'll be giving you the requisite Miami Dolphins news as well. There might also be a rundown or two of the Adventures of The Dude & DRK In SoBe thrown in for posterity sake. It was an epic odyssey where alcohol was consumed by the gallons, good shit was smoked, beautiful women were ogled and cosseted, fans of the site were met (we have groupies!), songs were sung, more alcohol was consumed and sun was soaked. There was even a midget involved in the whole affair.

My thanks to Lt. Dickjoke for taking the Steve DeBerg mantle and leading the charge full-time while I was gone. The man is my soul-brother. The man and I live such paralleled lives, you wouldn't believe it if we told you. The man can cook a chicken like it's nobody's business (that's not a euphemism). I love that fuckfaced bastard!

And I love you all. Which is something, because I hate most people.

So, thanks for your patience. We'll see you in a week or so.

And, as ever, Let's Go Dolphins!

Balls

Dave DeGuglielmo wants to know what you mean when you say he's funny. Funny how? Like he's a clown, he amuses you?

Ethan Skolnick, who keeps reminding me over and over again that he has found a way to get THOUSANDS of Twitter followers! all the live long day, has a pretty cool piece on the Fins' new offensive line coach, Dave DeGuglielmo. DeGuglielmo sounds like a the perfect Tony Sparano clone. Tough, no nonsense, with an inclination to turn his unit into a bunch of raging bulls who plow through defensive rushers and generally kick tons of ass whenever they damn well please.

"We're going to move defenders," DeGuglielmo says. ..."We just have to change the mentality in the room, to become a dominant, physical offensive line in the making of Tony Sparano. That's what he wants, that's how I was trained when I played for him, and that's the way I dealt with it my past five years in my previous place of employment. These guys have responded well."

DeGuglielmo is Italian. And that automatically makes him 80% more badass. Because there's something about a dude who may or may not have ties to the mob yelling at you to get your fat ass up and push some dudes in the hot sun than if it came from some old white guy from Wisconsin.

Being Italian alone doesn't do it, though. You've got to have the swagger, as DeGuglielmo clearly has. I've got Italian in my family. But I'm more inclined to talk like a pizza guy than a mafia guy. While DeGuglielmo is all "We're gonna fuckin' knock da shit outta people, now go git yer fuckin' shine box!" I'm all "Mama mia! I'm-a gonna make you-a special pie. Just how you like it! That's-a spicey meat-a-ball!"

Eric Green Is Doing Great

When the Dolphins signed free agent cornerback Eric Green to a contract back in March, we were pretty happy with it. Mainly because, at that moment, the cornerback position was basically manned by Jason Allen and Don Knotts. Things have gotten better since then. What with drafting Vontae Davis and Sean Smith and everything. We also signed Will Allen to an extension.

So having Green suddenly became a luxury as he's now part of a deep group. And this weekend's OTAs are so far proving that he's been a solid signing. And by that we, of course, mean he's so far been an unmitigated disaster.

From the Sentinel:

For those who are wondering why Davis' progress is slower than Smith's it's because Davis is learning two positions (boundary and nickel) while Smith is strictly a boundary guy. Based on Eric Green's lackluster showing this weekend they'll both have a shot to take the job because of their upside.

From the PBP:

Eric Green: Every time you turned around last weekend, someone was beating Green down field. The fifth-year pro signed during the off-season gave up four long TDs and a number of other catches.

From the Sentinel (again):

Considering how much CB Eric Green got picked on this weekend (no quarterback even bothered challenging Will Allen for more than a handful of plays the entire weekend, which is remarkable), I think the starting spot opposite Allen will be Sean Smith or Vontae Davis' to lose.

So it would appear the Curse of Signing Dudes Named Eric Green continues for the Dolphins. He could, of course, get better. But probably not. We just need to hope that our corners stay healthy and that the rookies learn the game quick. In the meantime, look at this amazing picture of Megan Fox and her amazing ass and tits and legs. I'm not sure how Megan Fox's amazing ass, tits and legs will help Eric Green become a better cornerback but my God we have to try something!!