Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Weekender: Super Bowl Weekend

So the season finally comes to a close. It's one for the books. AFC East Champions. The 10-game turnaround. The Balls of Chad Pennington. The beatdown of the Jets. The Wildcat. What a season. Now, on to free agency, and the draft. Should be a fun off-season.

I leave you with Argentine model Carolina Ardohain. Her nickname in Argentina is 'Pampita.' I'm not sure what that means but it sounds sexy as hell. Then again with her fantastic boobies and ass, you can call her Mierda De Vaca and it would still get me all tingly.

Hope you guys have your Super Bowl parties all lined up. Wherever you might be watching it, be safe and have fun. I'll be watching it with my Dad and a few friends while we have a BBQ, some chips and a few too many. I'll also be passing around complimentary Snuggies to all my guests! Oh yea! The Snuggie! The blanket with sleeves!

Hey, Sham Wow guy, you can go ahead and just shove that able-to-absorb-12-times-its-weight-in-liquid cloth right up your ass, with your stupid disheveled hair and your creepy googly eyes and your being douchey about ordering your stupid shit, because "we can't do this all day." Fuck you with a broken lamp, shitstick. Because now we have something better to throw our money away on - thaaaat's right, the Snuggie. Because regular blankets are just too complex and inhibiting for me. Thank Christ we finally have a product that shows just how regular old blankets have become uncompromising and obsolete. Suck my balls, regular old blankets! How else am I supposed to have two free hands to eat frosting from a can while watching Extra and keeping myself warm? God forbid you make me get up off the couch to grab another Mallomar dipped in caramel while not being able to stay warm. That's just fucked up. Sure, my entire family looks like a religious cult readying themselves for Armageddon. But now my hands aren't horribly trapped inside an unspeakably hazardous blanket when I need to answer the phone! And I can stay warm at sporting events where I won't at all be inviting ridicule or even a severe and relentless beating until the bile from my gallbladder spews from my nose. Because now I can do what I want, when I want, and still be warm! The Snuggie! Fuck yea!

Anyway, enjoy the Super Bowl everyone. Have a great weekend. And Go Cards!

Karlos Dansby is Subtle

Cardinals linebacker Karlos Dansby, who had 119 tackles and 4 sacks this season, says he's a huge fan of Bill Parcells and that he likes SoBe.

"The free agent market is here, but this moment right here is about a lot of dreams in my career. [The Dolphins] definitely need a linebacker. My respect for Parcells is huge man. Parcells came to me, I think it was my second year in the league, we're playing in Dallas and he told me I'm a heckuva player. That meant a lot for me coming from a legend like that. "Definitely, I like South Beach.''

I'm not sure, but I think Karlos is trying to tell us something. Kind of like my letters to Megan Fox. The envelope says 4 U Megan! From Your #1 Fan! written in crayon and has drawings of Hello Kitty and smiley sun shines on the top. The letter inside is a drawing of her sitting on my face. It's all about getting your foot in the door, man.

Despite Kicking Their Asses Quite Thoroughly, Larry Fitzgerald Thinks Fins Have a Bright Future

During Week 2 of the season, the NFC Champion Buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals handed the Fins their asses, along with their second loss of the season, in a 31-10 beat down in front of die hard Fins fan Johnny Depp. Yet even after that seismic beatdown of Godzillian cock proportions, Cards' uber-talented receiver Larry Fitzgerald says the Fins will be a team to be reckoned with.

"We knew that team had a lot of talent. They just got Chad Pennington a few weeks prior to that," Fitzgerald said.

"Everyone has to get together, camaraderie has to be built, but that team was physical. They had good talent on defense. You got Ronnie Brown, Ricky Williams, Anthony Fasano, Ted Ginn. They got a lot of talent on that team so they're going to be a force to be reckoned with for years to come."

It's good to know Fitz still thinks we can be a great team, even after that Week 2 loss. He recognizes that this defense is far more talented than when he last faced them in 2004, where he also managed to kick the Dolphins defense ass.

I think one mistake we made with that 2004 loss to Fitzgerald and his Cardinals was fielding guys like Eddie Moore, Larry Chester and Reggie Howard (pictured above) to cover and tackle him. This time around, he faced a physical, talented defense coached by an experienced, intelligent coaching staff that implemented a healthy number of blitzes and recognizes that communication in the secondary is key. As opposed to 2004, when the coaching staff implemented The Reggie Howard Flailing His Limbs and Shouting Out "Ooga-Booga!!!" Before The Ball Comes strategy. In hindsight I think that approach was a bad idea.

Drew Brees Recognizes the Importance of Not Tempting the Gods

I recall speaking to a friend during the season and she asked me, "How are you going to feel when Drew Brees breaks Marino's record?" I then proceeded to laugh and laugh. Silly girl.

Because we all knew that shit wasn't happening. And it didn't. Brees fell 16 yards short of breaking Dan Marino's record of 5,084 passing yards in a single season (set back in 1984 when the rules didn't favor Randy Moss-like pushing off and mugging cornerbacks while trying to catch a pass). And earlier this week, Brees acknowledged that he had no business getting anywhere near that record.

"It's meant to be broken by a team going to the playoffs, when it's on a touchdown on a game-winning drive," Brees said. "That record deserves a lot of respect. The guy who holds it is one of the best of all time.

Brees is a smart guy for saying that. He knows that you just don't tug on Superman's cape, or piss in the wind, or tempt the Gods, or quote Jim Croce songs. Because you'll get good and fucked if you do that. Still, what Brees did was mighty impressive and he remains one of the best quarterbacks playing right now. The Saints are one of the most unstoppable, high-powered offenses in the NFL and they are lucky to have him.

So in closing, I'd like to say that I hope Nick Saban's ear turns into his asshole and that he shits all over his neck. Did that make any sense? Well fuck it because that's what I'm going with.

Where have you gone, Omar Kelly, our Nation turns its lonely eyes to you

 

 

Setting:

An abandoned building on West Flagler Street, Downtown Miami.  Masses huddle anxiously.  Strangely bone-chilling Southern coolness filters through the shards of broken window glass.  A bonfire burns unapologetically in the corner.  The crowd awaits their Poet.  Enya plays quietly in the background.

The Bard has disappeared for far too long.  The grueling chores of our every-day existence have broken him.  He falters, he fails, he falls.  He is our sacrificial lamb - too rare to live; to impassioned to die.  Tears trickle down his face.  He looks up to the Heavens with arms outstretched and pleads for mercy, forgiveness and understanding.  He was unaware that such responsibility - nay, such burden - would be his interminable duty.  His Mein Kampf.  His Scarlett Letter.  His would be a lifelong struggle with no foreseeable coup de grâce.

And he spoke:

LOVE (!!!)

 

TWO

ENTIRE

DURING OFFSEASON

 

With this, The Bard collapsed!  Perhaps a plee for love and peace the world over?  A message to his kin?  God's own words channeled through him as our vessel of truth?  Will we ever know?  Efforts to revive him were unsuccessful. The desire to live smothered by the inability to breathe under the weight of the burden that is his - and his alone.

 

pooo-poo-poo-pooooooooooo

/ famous Enya song used in trailers for 'Tropic Thunder'

 

In Case You Forgot, Ronnie Brown is Kinda Awesome

Bang it here for the Best of Black Thunder 2008.

Ka-Plow!

The Ross Letters

Stephen Ross penned a letter to Dolphins fans over the weekend. Surprisingly enough, he tells us that he plans to use his money and influence to do more than just have Sheryl Crow or Taylor Hicks or whoever the fuck over as sideline guests during playoff games. Ross tells us he's committed to giving the Dolphins football operations all the resources they'll need to compete for a Super Bowl.

"The single most important priority to me is to bring back the Vince Lombardi trophy to South Florida," Ross wrote.

The letter can be found in it's entirety here.

But the FN ass crack team of reporters have obtained a copy of the original letter penned by Ross. Needless to say, we're sure he had to go through several drafts before re-posting the letter we see now on MiamiDolphins.com. His PR people are pretty good, apparently.

The original letter:

O Hai

The Dude is back. Toasted, hungover and well rested. Big ups to Lt. Dickjoke for holding down the fort while I was away. He had every reason to half-ass it what with the work piling on his desk, the slow news, getting the hookers out of his place, me away from the interwebs, etc. But he didn't half-ass it. He, in fact, whole-assed it. And we're all the better for it, I think.

I'll get back to the blogging shortly. As soon as I shake off these vacation cobwebs, take another nap, and peruse through my pictures of Megan one last time.

Boom shaka laka.

Weekender: Union Jerk Edition!!!!

 

Heck of a week here at FN.  We picked up a young, ferocious LB from the CFL that can possibly do some nice things for us right away, the sale of our franchise to a goblin went through, the piece of shit Jets hired a sadly mistaken fatass and we even had a little time for this and that.  All in all, not a bad week considering no one insulted me or told me my writing was a shame to my family.  But there's still time!!!

That beautiful fuckin' beast up there is British Page 3 mainstay, Keeley Hazell.  That, my friends, is aaaaaalllllll WOMAN.  WOOOO-WEE!  Girl looks like she could take a real beating of the non-abusive sort (natch).  You know, toss her around, pull on her hair, have her toss your ass a little, pounce on you while she cums, etc etc.  That kind of good, clean fun!

The Dude returns next week and I don't know 'bout you, but I take comfort in that.

Enjoy the weekend, Nation, and here's one more for the road!!!

 

Friday Morning Link-Down Link Dump

Good Morning, Loved Ones

I hope you manage to secure a work-free day on your way to a bar, inevitable sloppy drunkeness and indescriminate, unprotected sex.  Let's get through a few links:

• Palm Beach Post runs down some not-so intriguing post-1st round WR talent at the Senior Bowl.  Certainly the most talented guy out of this bunch seems to be the freakish Ramses Barden but no doubt our Big Three are doing their homework to find some guy from Tuscaloosa College or something that no one's even looked at yet. 
• Begrudgingly I'll link to this.  If true, this is a pretty damn important day in Dolphins football history and for the shape of things to come.  Here's to hoping that Ross keeps his mouth shut while The Cockpuncher yells at him about inviting Jon Bon Jovi and his 48-year-old-mother-of-three haircut to our playoff game.  How can we show any kind of toughness to a team like the Ravens when Mr. 'Midnight in Chelsea' is parading our sideline??  Just open up your wallet and stay out of the way, goblin!
• As expected, Channing Crowder will test the free agency market.  All signs point to Channing arriving at various free agent signings just as the signing period ends only to land on top of someone else's bonus.  I kid!  I like Channing and I appreciate his honesty about his lack of big plays ("I have no big plays") but he's not a Mike and he shouldn't be getting Mike-money for his production thus far. 
• Helena, Montana's most electric resident, Dan Carpenter, returned home to do...umm...well, whatever it is you do in Montana.  I'm guessing that involves outdoor activities, a gun, a horse, wide open spaces, and a whole host of other shit they try to mimic out in Horse Country, Kendall.

Your suggested illegally-downloaded Friday album is:

David Byrne and Brian Eno at their finest and darkest.  If you don't know, now ya know.

 

Welp, that's all I got.  I'll be back a bit later with your most tit-tastic Weekender in quite some time.