Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Weekender: The I hit the Refresh button a million times today and all I got was this lousy Berger edition

Well that was a bit deflating. Spoiled by last year's free agent frenzy free for all when Parcells and Ireland signed guys left and right, we came into today feeling all giddy with wide eyes and rock hard nipples. But, instead of the Trifecta signing guys willy-nilly, they brought in a little known third string offensive lineman from Dallas and signed him to a three-year contract.

And that'll do for today.

This doesn't mean Parcells is done. Or does it? Who the hell knows. We do know that Lavernaues Coles was reportedly in house, so they at least kicked the tires on the ex-Jet. We also know that the Broncos signed away Renaldo Hill. Could this open the door to someone like Leigh Bodden? Or maybe even my personal choice Bryant McFadden? We'll wait and see. One thing is for sure: Parcells & Ireland have a clear path to building this thing. Their philosophy is right player, right price. And then do the rest via the draft. It's not sexy. But it's what dynasties are made of.

Keep it here throughout the weekend. When/if something breaks, we'll be sure to post it. Late word is the Rams have offered Jason Brown a contract but he doesn't want to play there. So keep that in mind. Another thing to keep in mind, we have a naked picture of Megan Fox courtesy of commenter BSITH. So even though we came away with very little, and while all the other Dolphins bloggers' comment boards are filled with sad disappointed Dolphins fans, you FN, at the very least, came away with wonderful nipples to stare at over and over again. We provide a service here at FN. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Eagles MVN blogger John Denver looking motherfucker.

Have a great weekend, Nation.

Free Agency Open Thread

This is where you'll find all the updated info on the Dolphins free agency quest between now and Monday. And, as you did last season, feel free to add your own news in the comments as you get it (be sure to add a link to your post). And don't forget to hit the 'refresh' button on your Google Interwebs Machine so you'll know you're getting the latest updates. You never know. You click 'refresh' and ping! we just signed a major player! Or, I click 'refresh' and ping! naked Megan Fox sitting on my face! Hooray 'refresh' button!!
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[Updated 3:04 PM] Joe Berger is a Miami Dolphin. John Houseman approves. Everyone else, maybe not so much.

[Updated 2:55 PM] Ethan Skolnick reports that Laveranues Coles has been in town since yesterday. Commenter Sweet Brah says ESPN Radio is reporting we've signed Coles, but I can't confirm that yet. Meanwhile, Harvey Failkov writes the Dolphins are working out former FSU receiver and unfortunately named De'Cody Fagg today.

[Updated 2:24 PM] Omar writes that his sources are telling him Joe Berger is in the house, paying his visit (he has a very John Houseman name: "Mister Berrrrrrgerrr.") Omar also writes what I've been thinking all day: the Fins must have their eye on specific centers in the draft since  they're going to pass on Jason Brown. I've also been thinking about Megan Fox's nipples all day. Meanwhile, Omar is waiting to hear from Drew Rosenhaus about Steelers CB Bryant McFadden. It would be the tits if we landed McFadden. The. Tits.

[Updated 12:02 PM] Tumbleweed just passed by my desk. I'm not even joking. Zzzzzzz...

[Updated 10:44 AM] Omar lists the holes the Dolphins yet need to fill (heh)
Hat tip to commenter Tom-Ass.

[Updated 10:36 AM] Albert Breer of Sporting News is saying the Redskins have canceled their visit with Chris Canty. This probably means nothing for the Fins, seeing how the Redskins just gave all their money to Albert Haynesworth. But it's worth noting.

[Updated 9:15 AM] Dan Snyder is an unmitigated moron. That is all.

[Updated 7:58 AM] Looks like Chris Canty is also asking too much. Be prepared for Joe Berger to be a Miami Dolphin. /sad trombone sound

[Updated 7:55 AM] Bart Scott is going to the Jets is visiting with the Jets. Not at all shocking. Faggots.

[Update 7:30 AM] Looks like the Rams are the favorite to land Jason Brown. Apparently he's asking for $8 million per, which the Dolphins think is too much. Looks like all the buzz on Brown is gonna get him paid. Just not with us. I blame Tom-Ass.

[Update 1:03 AM] FoxSports says that Jason Brown will visit with the Rams Friday.

[Update 12:58 AM] Somewhere in this garbled mess, Armando is saying that Cowboys center/guard Joe Berger will visit with the Dolphins Friday.

Let's Start the Insanity

So here we go. Let the free agency juices jizz all over our face! Fuck yea!

Wait. What?

Serious kudos to Parcells and his Crew of Men With Large Testicles Made of Brass or Some Other Kind of Hard Alloy Substance for the signing of Vernon Carey, Channing Crowder, Yeremiah Bell and the newest Dolphin, Gibril Wilson this week. Way to set the tone.

Word from Omar is that the Dolphins are interested in Laveranues Coles at the right price. Everyone seems to think Coles will be a Dolphin come Friday. And it would make a lot of sense. Howevah! at this stage of his career, Coles is a No. 2 receiver. And in case you haven't noticed, we got a shitload of those on our roster already. Plus he's like 5-11, which would add to our already midgetized receiving corps. Coles or no Coles, we need to address the receiver spot in the draft with a big 6 foot motherlover with 4.3, 4.4 speed. Just sayin.

As for the weird rumors of Marvin Harrison becoming a Dolphin? Meh. No thanks. I don't see it. Maybe it's a Parcells-induced media leak to speed up the Coles talks. Who knows. I guess we'll see. Anyway, here's how I see it going down Friday, which means it won't go down like this at all:

1. C/OL Jason Brown: Dude is going to command a lot of money. He's already halted talks with the Ravens which means it's pretty much down to us and the free wheelin' Redskins. My gut tells me he'll be a Dolphin. Why? Because fuck Dan Snyder, that's why.

2. DE Chris Canty: 6-7, 299 lbs. and only 26 years old. Dude is solid, and was drafted by Parcells' Cowboys in the 4th round of the 2005 NFL Draft. Canty is a DE, but his ability to shuffle to the NT makes him a perfect fit in the 3-4. We can't overlook the need to get younger at NT. We also can't overlook the amazing powers Marisa Miller's ass has over mankind. But that's neither here nor there.

3. DE Mike Montgomery: 6-5, 273 lbs, 25 years old. The guy is a solid lineman with versatility and could be brought in to compete with Canty and the other linemen. Montgomery can play in a 3-4. He's a bit undersized, but he can do damage when called to duty. Just like my penis!

4. LB Angelo Crowell: 6-1, 246 lbs, 27 years old. He missed 2008 with a knee injury but, as we saw last year, injuries didn't stop the Fins from signing Justin Smiley. Crowell played in a 4-3 defense in Buffalo but he's fast, versatile and could be effective in the 3-4. Crowell could be a sleeper if he can bounce back from his injury. And even a one-legged Crowell could probably push a two-legged Crowder in training camp.

Those are the four guys I'm predicting will be Dolphins Friday. Which, again, means we won't be getting any of them. Ah well. We'll have the free agent open thread post updated througout the day first thing in the morning. Let's do this. Word to your Mother.

Dolphins Re-Sign Yeremiah Bell

As we here at FinsNation.com reported last night, Yeremiah Bell and the Dolphins were near an agreement on a contract. And now Armando Salguero is reporting that the Dolphins and Yeremiah Bell have agreed to terms on a 4-year deal worth $20 million. $10 million guaranteed (holy! sugartits! that's a shit load of scrilla!).

We all know what a great signing this is. We all know what Yeremiah and his ability to explode people's internal organs means to us. We all know that we now have a pretty formidable tandem of safeties in Bell and Wilson. So let us hold off with the football analysis for now so that we can bask in the glow of our awesomeness and pomposity.

We broke this shit first! Now please be so kind as to suck on that, Armando. And Schefter. And Harvey. And Rose. And Mandich. And Florio. And fellow Dolphins bloggers. And yes, even you Omar. Suck on it long and hard and good. And a good day to you all, good sirs.

I said GOOD! DAY!

Dolphins Sign Gibril Wilson

Alex Marvez of FoxSports.com is reporting that the Dolphins have signed free agent safety Gibril Wilson. Tits!

Wilson was recently released by the Raiders. Before that, he spent his first four seasons with the Giants, including the Giants team that gave Tom Brady and the Patriots a massive ball pummeling in Super Bowl XLII. Wilson is a tackling machine and played a key role in that Super Bowl win. He's recorded 413 tackles since entering the league in 2004 -- tops among safeties in that span. Needless to say, this was a great move by Parcells & His Cockpunching Brigade of Geniuses. Needless to say, Al Davis is a sphincter faced moron.

The best part about Wilson: he's only 27, with an athletic build, he's also black, which pretty much means he has a huge cock, and he knows how to knock fools out. Coincidentally, that's the exact same description I have on my eHarmony bio page! Word for word. Hmm. Small world. Call me ladies!

Sources: Yeremiah Bell Close to Re-Signing With the Fins

If you know anything about us, then you know that we're not a newsy type of blog. We like tits. And dick jokes. In that order. So take this with a grain of salt or whatever other cliche metaphor you use to curb your enthusiasm. But sources tell us that the Dolphins are close to re-signing Yeremiah Bell. Is our source correct? Who knows. All I know is that this is as good a time as any to re-post this picture of Yeremiah hitting Brett Favre so hard he shat a litter of brain damaged kittens. Enjoy!

Apparently, Channing Crowder Will Not See What Other Teams Will Do

The Miami Herald is reporting that the Dolphins and linebacker Channing Crowder have agreed to a deal.

At the beginning of the week he said the Dolphins dropped the ball by not approaching him sooner with a deal. He said that he was going to wait to see what other NFL teams did to take advantage of the Dolphins' folly. He said that the Dolphins' lack of urgency to get a deal done with him was their loss. Then he went and re-signed with the Dolphins for three years instead of the possible six he was looking for. And then he... wait. What? So Channing Crowder approaches free agency with the exact same detached casualness and complete utter indolence he does football? Uh yea, why not.

Welcome back, Channing. You nut.

Curiously, Jets Release Laveranues Coles???

Heeeeyyyy....

Just heard on Mandich's show that Dolphin-killer, WIDE RECEIVER and Pennington buddy Laveranues Coles was just released by the Jets.  A true Florida boy drafted by Parcells???

Keep your ears low to the ground on that shit.  Parcells is probably already on the phone.

Stay tuned...

 

UPDATE:  He's apparently SET to be released. 

UPDATE 2: This report says Coles has been released.

Patrick Surtain Could Be a Dolphin, Again, Maybe

The Kansas City Chiefs released Patrick Surtain yesterday. Now everybody thinks he's going to end up back with the Dolphins. And by everybody, I mean Omar Kelly:

Surtain, 32, appeared in only eight games in 2008 and totaled 11 tackles. The Dolphins traded Surtain to the Chiefs for a second-round pick in 2005. A two-time Pro Bowler with the Dolphins, he never lived up to expectations in Kansas City. Surtain teamed with Sam Madison to form one of the best cornerback tandems in the NFL before Surtain joined the Chiefs and Madison signed with the New York Giants.

With that info in tow, and with his sources telling him the Fins will be going for second-tier free agents this year as to not break the bank on any one player, Omar thinks Surtain might be on the radar:

The Dolphins hope to find good bargains out on the market by pursuing recently cut veterans who have become salary cap casualties. For instance, cornerback Patrick Surtain was recently released by the Chiefs.

Although he did follow that up with:

Surtain is just an example of the approach, so don't start panicking, or getting overly excited. Trades for expendable players like Lito Sheppard might also entice the Trifecta.

So to recap, former Dolphin great Patrick Surtain is out of a job and the Dolphins are reportedly going to go cheap when pursuing free agents this year and so this might mean that Patrick Surtain will be back in aqua and orange. Or not. I don't know. All I know is that news is slow as hell today. So I had a choice between this and Armando's passive aggressive blathering about how the Dolphins are just so mean to him. Also, this happened. So as you can clearly imagine, I've been rather busy preparing myself for the task at hand. LET'S DO THIS, PENIS!!!

Sags' Commenter of the Week

After starting my preliminary journey today through the intellectual wasteland that is Armando's commenters for this weekly post, I couldn't help but just knock it out quickly and focus on today's topic at hand:  self-imposed team gag orders.  I don't know how open these teams are supposed to be considering this age where virtually everything and anything is available on these here Internets.  (Believe me, The Dude will look at ANYTHING.  That sicko.)  In an age where inside information of any sort is at a premium (particularly in the NFL where said information can be used to expose a weakness like saaaayy Ben Roethlisberger's damaged ribs), why the fuck would Ireland, Tuna or Sparano care to make a certain shithead's job any easier?  Especially when that shithead asks mundane questions, postulates erroneous concepts (note the time he shat in each of Huizengas pockmarks for bringing in a 'big name' like Parcells) and his extent of 'thinking outside the box' consists of wondering why his job isn't made easier by the very same people he is publicly critical about.  To paraphrase one commenter's argument:  yes, it's Freedom of Speech but that applies to public entities and personal liberties; they have nothing to do with the private sector.  If you're in any major company (and certainly the Dolphins can be considered a rather large corporate entity), then inside information is on fuckin' LOVE LOCKDOWN like Kanye West, you shitshaker.  Otherwise, what's the point of spending billions of dollars on inside and outside compliance training and the like??  People get fired for even talking about things openly in a goddamn elevator.  Furthermore, what Dolphins fan worth his weight in tits is put off by gag orders when we won the AFC East, hosted a home playoff game and are seemingly moving in the right direction while our divisional foes are apparently not doing so hot???  You really want to tip your hand to those assholes???

So, as one intelligent commenter put it:

 

Wah wah wah. Terrible entry. Whine about something else chubby.

Posted by: BadMrFrosty | February 25, 2009 at 08:26 AM

  

Wah wah, indeed.  Gag on that, you chubfucker.  What sayeth you, Tiny Armando??

 

 

 

 

Fuck yea!!!