Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

The Robot Chad Henne...

 

 

...does not like to be disturbed by autograph seekers when he's eating his steak dinner at Joe's Stone Crabs.

Also... Tony Sparano attended yesterday's Daytona 500. He also revealed that he was once a chef at a Days Inn in Daytona Beach. I wonder how many times he dipped his balls in the cream cheese before serving some douchey college dude a breakfast bagel. I'd say at least every time.

And... Pat Kirwan thinks the Dolphins will franchise tag Yeremiah Bell, and then see what happens with Vernon Carey. Kirwan thinks the draft is deep in tackles but not so much in bone-rattling safeties so tagging Bell is the smart thing to do, which makes sense. You know what doesn't make sense? When someone asks me if I have the time and I look at my wrist even while I'm saying "no" and even though I haven't worn a wrist watch in like 12 years. 

And... here's a picture of Kelly Brook wearing high heals on a bed with silk sheets. I bet you a million dollars the photographer was some arty French dude. Because even though the pic is sexy as hell, I'd still like to staple his scrotum to his stupid French face because if this is how you make Kelly Brook pose on a bed with silk sheets while wearing sexy shoes, well then you just need to have your balls stapled to your forehead because you're an idiot. It's the American way.

Also... when the hell is the NFL combine because the off-season is killing me. Never thought I'd want to see young athletic men in underwear so bad, and yet, here I am. So this means I'm gay? Ah well.

Weekender: Daniella Wins

Have a great weekend, Nation. And be sure to vote for the 2008 Cockpuncher if you haven't already.

In honor of the SI Swimsuit issue that came out this week, the Weekender girl is Daniella Sarahyba (her SI gallery here).

There are about 19 or so of these girls to choose from. But I went with Daniella. Sure, I could've gone with cover-girl Bar Refaeli. Or Jessica Hart. Or Damaris Lewis. Or any number of the others.

But Daniella won, albeit by a slim margin, after a long and arduous screening process, and after a series of heated debates.

You win again, penis.

2008 Cockpuncher Award

It's time to choose the inaugural Cockpuncher of the Year. Named for our glorious leader who might! leave! at! any! moment! Bill Parcells, aka the Big Tuna, aka The Cockpuncher, it is an annual award chosen by you, the Nation, for the Dolphins player that displayed the heart, grit, determination, talent, dexterity, deftness, and overall go-getter quality that helped the Fins meet with success. In other words, the dude who cockpunched the shit out of our opponents the best.

The Nominees:


Chad Pennington
3,653 yards, 67.4 completion percentage, 19 TDs, 97.4 passer rating, The Resurrector of Franchises, Purveyor of Reprisals, Cute with 1 pair of XXXL Balls


Joey Porter
47 tackles, 36 solo tackles, 4 forced fumbles, 17.5 sacks, Bullet Holes in Ass, Surf King of Hawaii, Killer of Small Horses


Ronnie Brown
916 yards, 10 TDs, 1 passing TD, Purveyor of Wildcat Badassery, Conjurer of Thunder Bolts, Destroyer of Worlds and Patriots Defenders, Probably made Bill Belichick punch Ellis Hobbs in the junk out of frustration


Yeremiah Bell
120 tackles, 100 solo, 3 forced fumbles, 1 sack, Muthafucka!!!!, Baddest Mofo Lowdown Round the NFL, Dislodger of Kidneys and other Assorted Internal Organs

(Poll Has Closed. Fuck off cockface. Just kidding. I love you.)

Peezy's Got a Big Gun

Don over at Mondesishouse.com e-mailed me this. It's Joey Porter. In Hawaii. Surfing. Awesome.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, well now I've seen everything. Aha but have you ever seen a kitty dressed as a cowboy? Well okay then.

Bang it here for more pics of Porter surfing with buddy James Farrior.

The Off-Season is Officially Here, Unofficially

Omar Kelly writes about the cap space the Fins have to work with this offseason:

It's been out there for some time now that the Miami Dolphins have roughly $24 million in cap space to work with when it comes time to restock the roster this offseason....knowing where the starting line is for each NFL teams is helpful because it allows us to identify which teams need to purge to create salary cap space, and who will be the heavy-hitters come time to lure the Albert Haynesworths, Brandon Jacobs, Julius Peppers, Dunta Robinsons and Antonio Bryant's of the free agent pool.

Omar also tells us that the Pats and Jets aren't looking so good in the cap-space department:

Take note that there are two AFC East teams (the Jets and Patriots) in the hemorrhaging area of this list (It's perfectly fine to let out a cheer).

The Bills have the largest cap space in the AFC East but, really, who the fuck wants to play there? What's the attraction? Ohhh, the foliage is really quite nice during the autumn! And the fans act like drunken community college students weeee!!!

Last off-season was all about what Parcells' opening move was going to be to get us back on track. Now it's all about what he's going to do to fill the holes to get us over the hump and into bonafide Super Bowl contenderdom. It's going to be a fun off-season, indeed. Will the Fins grab someone under the radar like they did with Justin Smiley? Or will they make a big splash and go after one of the big boys like Albert Haynesworth or Julius Peppers? Will they re-sign Yeremiah Bell? Will they let Channing Crowder walk? These are all the big questions as the off-season gets under way. And there's no telling what Parcells and company will do. All we know for sure is that we need a big play receiver and that Parcells believes in building his teams via the trenches. Every move will surely be analyzed to death. Every signing scrutinized. But the track record is undeniable. And let's not dismiss Jeff Ireland's role in all this. The guy is a player-talent evaluating machine.

So, the off-season is here. And that means the draft is nearing, teams are cutting players to make cap space, spring is in the air, the skies are sunny and warm, women are dressed in shorts and tight shirts, and we're all waiting to see what magic Parcells performs.

I think if there's anything of value you should take from that, it's that I love tits.

Will Allen Will No Longer Have Brett Favre to Kick Around Anymore

Brett Favre has told the Jets to go on without him, telling them he's retiring from football for good. Well, this will officially make ESPN completely unwatchable for the next two weeks. From SI:

In an e-mail to ESPN, Favre said he has no regrets about ending his career in New York and praised owner Woody Johnson, general manager Mike Tannenbaum and fired coach Eric Mangini.

"Mike and Woody, as well as the entire organization, have been nothing short of outstanding," Favre said in the e-mail. "My teammates -- Thomas (Jones) and Kerry (Rhodes) included -- were a pleasure to play with. Eric could not have been any better. I enjoyed playing for him. My time with the Jets was short, but I'm honored to be given that chance."

Whatever you deer carcass sized douche. It's bitter sweet that we won't be able to enjoy any more memories of kicking his overrated old ass, but it's all good because the closing image on Favre's career will always be that interception by Philip The Codpiece Merling, and his running over Favre like a freight train over a hobo.

So long, fucknuts.

Wayne Huizenga's slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or something or other

The man that brought us Jimmy Johnson, Dave Wannstedt, Nick Saban and Cam Cameron is no longer the owner of your Miami Dolphins. And he's kinda sad about that. Huizenga had a 20 minute news conference yesterday where he discussed his impact on the South Florida sports community and where he had time to reflect and muse over his time as Dolphins owner:

"If I have one disappointment, the disappointment would be that we did not bring a championship home," Huizenga said Tuesday. "It's something we failed to do. It's tough out there with the competitive balance in this league, which is what's great about the league. Every team has the same payroll, and that is what has made the league so strong."

And:

''I know I'll have regrets and I know I will miss it,'' Huizenga said, discussing his decision to sell the team. 'But I felt after 19 years -- you know there's an old song out there, `You gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em.' ''

Did he just quote Kenny Rogers? Why, yes. Yes he did. And you know what? He's basically the living embodiment of the Monopoly guy, so he's allowed to quote pretty much any song he wants, no matter how shitty. The man just made a cool billion-plus when he sold the Fins to Stephen Ross a few weeks ago -- nearly seven times what he paid when he bought the team in 1994. Dude's got serious coin. Serious coin.

In a related story, one time I was standing in line for the Dr. Doom ride at Universal Studios and this lady in front of me bent over to tend to her screaming bratty kid, and I placed a coin in her ass crack. True story.

Jake Long Pro Bowl Postcards

Rookie left tackle, and 2008 first-overall draft pick, Jake Long played in his first-career Pro Bowl over the weekend. As some of you might have seen, the Dolphins had Jake chronicle his week in Hawaii on their website in a series of handwritten e-post cards. What you don't know is that the entire series was ghost written by the Dolphins PR and Media Relations staff. Here now are the real Jake Long Pro Bowl Postcards (click to enlarge):

And Then The Inevitable Happened... (Updated)

Jake Long apparently injured his right ankle during yesterday's Pro Bowl game. Great balls of fuck. Thanks to astute commenter Tom-Ass for reporting this in the comments yesterday. This is something I should really be on top of seeing that I'm a blogger and all but I'm just hearing of it here in the comments because it's the Pro Bowl so I didn't watch it because I don't give a shit about meaningless exhibition games unless it's a Dolphins pre-season game or if there's money on the line. Know what else I don't give a shit about? Grammar.

Anyway, according to Armando Salguero, Long was playing right tackle and left the game after injuring his right ankle -- the same ankle he hurt during the Patriots game back in November.

The injury happened when NFC rusher DeMarcus Ware rolled onto the side of Long's right ankle as Long was engaged with another player. Long remained on the turf in obvious pain or several minutes.

There are no other news outlets reporting this, so Armando might just be making shit up for all we know. Still, it's a concern, so we'll have to stay tuned to see if there's something to this or if it was just a minor tweak. So to recap, Jake Long may or may not have injured his ankle, and I did not watch the Pro Bowl. If you must know, I spent Sunday night in an online Ryan Gosling Fans chat room, then I made a really cool fort with my pillows. What an evening.

Update: According to his Jake Long's Pro Bowl Postcards page on MiamiDolphins.com, Jake's ghost writer says he did get his ankle rolled on but that it's "nothing" and that he "feels fine." In related news, I missed the Jonas Brothers performance last night on the Grammys and I don't think I'll ever be able to recover.

Weekender: Pro Bowl Weekend

I leave you with another pic of last week's Weekender girl, Carolina Ardohain. I like this picture because she's bare foot which I find sexy as hell. I also find arching backs and asses stuck up into the air sexy as hell too, but that goes without saying. Also, a co-worker of mine told me she heard that Carolina is in town this weekend doing a shoot for some magazine. She told me she has no idea where, or what beach, or what magazine, or even where she actually heard this. So with that information in tow, I will now spend the entire weekend on a quest to find Carolina and her gorgeous boobies. With only my cunning and my penis to guide me. Wish me luck.

Have a great weekend, Nation. And... enjoy the Pro Bowl?