Yesterdays the The Miami Herald reported that the Fins have interest in several receivers for next month's draft. My gut tells me the Fins will be taking either a linebacker/defensive end or nose tackle with their first pick. However, my gut also tells me that I should give gay porn a try, so I'm not sure my gut can be trusted or if my gut is just fucking with me. Anyway, here now are my completely useless and downright arbitrary rankings of my four favorite WR prospects (after Crabtree and Maclin, of course). Keep in mind that in 2003 I wanted us to take Anquan Boldin or Ken Hamlin (we took Eddie Moore instead) and in 2005 I wanted Braylon Edwards and in 2006 Antonio Cromartie and 2007 Patrick Willis. Am I the smartest person alive? History would say yes. I do have a tendency to zip up too fast after I pee, so my penis would beg to differ.
1. Darrius Heyward-Bey, Maryland: He's big, he's got ludicrous speed and his name is hyphenated! Heyward-Bey is crazy fast. His 4.3 in the 40 was the fastest in the entire combine. But wait! There's more! Heyward-Bey isn't just another track star looking to be a receiver. At 6'3, 206 lbs. he's got a Larry Fitzgerald body and Randy Moss acceleration and leaping ability. He's raw, yes. But coachable and has a great work ethic, which Parcells loves so well. Am I in love with Darrius Heyward-Bey? No. I'm not. But I would totally blow him.
Chances we get him: Not good. He's a top 30 prospect, so he can go at any time. But unlike Michael Crabtree and Jeremy Maclin, he could very well be there at #25. But, Parcells is going to use that pick on defense or offensive line. Stupid Parcells and his ability to know football better than me. Still, hope. Morgan Freeman told me in the movie Shawshank Redemption to hope. And then that guy that scares my grandmother stole it from him and became President. The end.
2. Hakeem Nicks, North Carolina: If Heyward-Bey is Larry Fitzgerald, then Nicks is Anquan Boldin. I've had a thing for Nicks ever since I saw him shred the Hurricanes this past season. I remember thinking how I'd hoped he could sneak under the radar and land with the Fins, as he continued to pummel and wreck and destroy the Canes defense. It was a bitter sweet moment. Like when my mom told me I wasn't really a girl and to throw away my dollies already. Nicks won't turn any heads with his speed (he recorded a 4.6 40). But the dude is a football player. Like Anquan, he's a great athlete with great hands, is a physical player who isn't afraid to go up the middle (neither am I, ladies!) and has great body control. At 6'1, 210, he's tough to tackle and he has enough speed to spread defenses. Anquan 2.0? I'd say so. And I'm never wrong! Okay one time. But that dude totally looked like a chick last night!
Chances we get him: Good to pretty good. The Fins have been courting Nicks for a while (although they said the same thing about Jason Brown) and he could very well be there for our first second-round pick. In other words, if he's still there at pick #44, DRAFT THIS FUCKING GUY!!!
3. Kenny Brit, Rutgers: I could see the Fins maybe considering Brit with their first second rounder if he's still there. He doesn't have Heyward-Bey's speed or athleticism but, at 6'4, 215, he's bigger. I could also see the Fins not going anywhere near him. Brit is in a lot of ways, T.O. II: The Return of the Dickbag. He has great talent. He looks like T.O. and can even have a similar career, stats-wise, if he keeps his shit in order. But he has a reputation of being a premadonna and is a bit of a me person and seems to perform only when he feels like it. Just like my penis. He also has a history of dropping passes. In other words, yea no, it's not gonna happen.
Chances we get him: Right now, I'd say very slim. He's a tremendous talent but his work ethic is questionable. So is mine, which is why I've had 9,576 jobs in my lifetime. True story!
4. Brian Robiskie, Ohio State: Yep, Ted Ginn's ex-teammate. Yup, we're having this discussion because of Ted Ginn. Yup, feel free to punch yourself in the pills at any moment. I like Robiskie because he's very polished (git yer fuckin' shinebox!). At 6'3, he's a big target and he's good at running up the middle. In other words, he doesn't run like he's being chased by a bee. He's got great leaping ability, which makes him a nice endzone target on those fade passes in the corner that we just love to run so damn much even though it never works out. While he's smart and athletic, my loins aren't burning for him. They are, however, burning for another reason entirely. He would be a great addition, but wouldn't fill that big-game #1 receiver we so desperately need to compliment the Camarillos and Besses on the roster. But his coachabilty and smarts makes him someone I can see Parcells busting a nut over.
Chances we get him: Probably really good. Especially if we go all D-line, O-line, D-backs with our first few picks. He might be the best receiver left at that point and he has that thing that old-school dudes like Parcells likes. In a related story, I have that thing that old-school Scout masters and Catholic priests like.
So there you have it. Your thoughts? Feel free to add your own prospect in the comments. Also feel free to link to naked pictures of Megan Fox.
