Miami Dolphins Website Will Bring About the End of the World

60 Minutes ran a story last night about a vicious internet virus called Conficker with the scary headline The Internet Is Infected! After jumping through my living room window and then lighting myself on fire, I came back and watched the rest of the story. According to 60 Minutes reporter Leslie Stahl, who is around your Mom's age so you know she can be trusted when it comes to knowing modern technology like the World Wide Web, the virus is spreading right! now! and is just sitting out there, like a sleeper cell, awaiting instructions to take over the world and destroy all life as we know it when it launches on April 1st. Particularly, the virus is waiting to attack via Facebook, eBay and -- WAIT. FOR. IT. --  the Miami Dolphins website!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!

"The Internet has become a minefield. Hackers have hidden their malicious software, known as Malware, on some of the most trusted websites, like eBay and, the Miami Dolphins football team..."

So it's not enough I have to watch this team suck ass every other year, now their damn website is being used by some 14 year old Russian kid to steal the $78.26 from my bank account. Plus he knows all the sites I visit! Hey, I was just curious to see what a woman with a penis looks like, okay Boris!!??

Basically, the entire piece is an ad for Symantec, which is one of the many softwares you can purchase to protect your computer from the alien monsters that will suck out your liver and lay eggs in your brain computer viruses. What the report doesn't tell you is that Conficker is not that bad. This guy says it's the Paris Hilton of computer viruses, which probably means this thing is more likely to give you gonorrhea than to infect your computer. And that you'll be fine if you have security software, which you should any way. It would also help if you stepped out of the dark ages and got yourself a Mac. Either way, it's fine. We're going to live. WE'RE GOING TO LIVE, DAMN YOU!!! So feel free to go about your day surfing the net for Dolphins news, chicks blowing horses, your favorite Sudoku sites and important life-altering videos like this. It's all good. Until, of course, Wednesday rolls around. Then we're all fucked.