Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Miami Dolphins: Now With 30% Less Samoan

Hope you kept the receipt for that Samson Satele jersey. Because the Dolphins just traded him to the Raiders for an undisclosed draft pick. They've essentially picked up the pick they gave up to the Jaguars for DT Tony McDaniel. With the acquisitions of Joe Berger and Jake Grove earlier this off-season, Satele became the odd man out. Parcells and Co. never really liked his lack of push anyway.

Satele, a second-round pick (60th) in 2007 acquired in the trade of receiver Wes Welker to the Patriots, has started from day one, but the new regime wasn't happy with the thrust up the middle as the former Hawaii standout was often overpowered by some of the AFC East's massive nose tackles, particularly Jets defensive tackle Kris Jenkins and Patriots' nose Vince Wilfork.

In a related story, sources say Megan Fox wasn't happy with the thrust up the middle from that douchey no-talent douche she's been dating. You see, that's why I'm on this quest to find myself and to seek enlightenment. I'm no dalai lama but I'm pretty sure I can find those things in Megan Fox's vagina.

Weekender: Off To See Louis CK

Checking out early today, Nation. I'm hitting the road and heading up to Orlando to go see and worship at the altar of FN hero, Louis CK. He has a show tonight at the Hard Rock. I caught him when he came to Miami last year, and was lucky enough to meet him afterwards. We took a picture but because you can't see our faces, because my phone's camera is shit, it just looks like two assholes at a bar. But he did autograph a cocktail napkin for me. And we had a brief conversation that went something like this:

Me: Hey.
Louis: Hey! Did you enjoy the show?
Me: Duh...duh...der...der...der....der...duh...duh....duh... DUH!!

The end.

Anyway, as per the Weekender girls: You might be sitting there saying, "I see cheerleaders but they're fully clothed. What the fuck?!" Sure, this picture might mean nothing to you. But it does to me because I fucking love Louis CK (top row, 3rd on right) and I love the Dolphins and I love tits and all that shit comes together in this picture which is pretty fucking fantastic. So stop being a faggot about it. I'm assuming you're being a faggot about it. Sorry if you're not. But if you are, stop. Anyway, for those of you who care, here is Louis' account of his visit with the troops in Iraq with the Dolphins Cheerleaders. There's a part where he recounts how he introduced himself as a Miami Dolphin Cheerleader to everybody. Or don't read it. I don't care. Faggot.

Have a great weekend!

Ok, fine. Here.

Friday Link Dump

Hey-o! Tom-Ass broke his cherry!!!

A little link dump for you as you get ready to watch more March Madness (which kicks off here in Miami at around noon today. Booo-yeh!).

• MVN has given us permission to let the loons out of the penitentiary for some air. Thus, I give you Thomas (better known round these parts as Tom-Ass) and his MVN debut. Thomas participates in this week's NFL OUTSIDER round table where he argues -- in 100 words or less -- why the Dolphins have had the best off-season in the NFL thus far. Go read it. And leave a comment. Just keep the comment PG-13, you fucking animals! 
• Armando tells us the Browns and Titans are also interested in DeMarcus Faggins. And then he puts up a poll for us to vote for who we think will win the starting CB job. He prefaces this poll by saying, and I quote, "Hey, I feel a poll coming on...." Sometimes, the jokes write themselves.
  
• The Fins held a personal workout with draft prospect DE Connor Barwin of Cincinnati. He's a big dude with tons of upside. Some say he could be an early second day pick. 
• Sporting News gives their take on the Fins off-season moves thus far. They're not sold on the Girbril Wilson signing. In fact, in an earlier column that I read a few weeks back but am too lazy to look up and link, they call Wilson an overrated player. Eat a dick, Sporting News. 
• Omar says all the moves thus far, including yesterday's trade for Tony McDaniel, now gives the Fins the freedom to draft according to best player available. Which means, if Omar is right, we're targeting one of the top linebackers for that #25 pick. Just the way Parcells rolls.
  

Dolphins Trade 7th Rounder to Jags For Tony McDaniel

The Dolphins traded for 6'7, 310 pound defensive tackle Tony McDaniel from the Jacksonville Jaguars today. Miami has agreed to send a seventh-round pick to the Jags. McDaniel is a large dude, he's also only 24 years old and he brings an ability to play both DT and defensive end. He's the perfect Parcells defensive player -- a large fella with versatility. It's a good move in that it gives the DT position some depth and youth. And for a seventh rounder? Not too shabby. McDaniel's agent says the Fins got a steal and that the Jags underutilized him by playing him in the wrong scheme.

"He loves football," Irby [his agent] said of McDaniel. "He loves the game. It's Jacksonville's loss and Miami's gain."

McDaniel has appeared in 25 NFL games in three NFL seasons, including his only three career starts a season ago for the Jaguars. He also has missed 23 games with wrist, hip and knee injuries.

But Irby said his client is excited for a fresh start with a team that plays a scheme better suited to his skill set and physical stature.

Jesus. 23 games with wrist, hip and knee injuries? Did we just acquire Frankenstein? Can Frankenstein handle the grind of the 3-4 defense? Is this the 1931 Boris Karloff Frankenstein, who was all stiff and dopey and had bolts in his neck? Or the 1973 Andy Warhol Frankenstein who was a gay necrophiliac? I'm gonna go with the 1931 version. Basically because you gotta respect a dude in a blazer.

Faggins, Anyone?

The Dolphins worked out Texans free agent cornerback DeMarcus Faggins yesterday. Clearly this means they've got their eye on somebody in the draft to fill the hole(s) at corner. They have to. Or else we're fucked.

And clearly this says a lot about how they feel about Jason Allen. Christ. Did you know that as a draft prospect, Allen scored an 11 on his Wonderlic test out of a possible 50? Yep. Does this mean that if you tell Jason Allen that Peter ate 3 apples and Jane ate 2 apples and then ask him how many apples did Peter and Jane eat, he'd say "MMmmm....apples," and then eat his shoe? Yea that sounds about right.

Nobody Knows What the Hell We're Gonna Do

There's something like 834,654,000,000,000 mock drafts out there and not a single one agrees with the other on who the Dolphins will be taking when they pick 25th overall. But no worries. Edgar Thompson is here to break it down.... Edgar Thompson style:

Kiper has Illinois' CB Vontae Davis, considered the No. 2 CB in the draft, continuing his free fall and landing in South Florida. But Davis could be the upswing after his pro day Wednesday.

McShay pegs USC LB Brian Cushing, calling him "a steal."

Wright's Draft Countdown and that of NFL.com's Pat Kirwan, agree the Dolphins will target Cushing's teammate, Clay Matthews Jr.

[Don] Banks might be on the money with his prediction: Virginia OLB Clint Sintim.

FoxSports.com projects Northern Illinois OLB Larry English, who scored big points at the combine, going to Miami.

Meanwhile, longtime analyst Frank Coyle of draftinsiders.com, has the Dolphins taking Oklahoma State TE Brandon Pettigrew, who ran a slow time at the combine that could drop him from the fringe of the top 10.

Frank Coyle has us taking a slow tight end? Yea why not. Look, be prepared because you're going to be seeing a crapload of mock drafts between now and April 25th (including right here at FN) and they're all gonna be different. At this point we should all know that when our turn rolls up, Parcells is likely going to call a name nobody expected. Because that's the way it always goes. We have so many needs, it's tough to say definitively which way we'll lean -- cornerback, linebacker, defensive tackle, wide receiver -- and it's tough to guess how the draft will flow by the time the 25th pick rolls around. Anything can happen. Either way, you gotta like those names being floated around in those mocks (I'm taking a liking to Sintim myself, ever since DRK mentioned him).

It'll be fun to see how it all unfolds. It's always cool to see those kids walk up with their new team's cap on their head, like our very own Jake Long last year. Walking up and shaking the commissioner's hand, looking sharp in his cream colored suit and silk tie. Although if I ever get drafted, I'll be showing up with a top hat and a monocle. But that's just me. I'm classy!

The Robot or Mush Face: You Make the Call

So the big news of the last few weeks has been how Bill Belichick protege and new Denver Broncos head coach, Josh McDaniels, completely fucked himself by alienating his franchise quarterback and forcing him to demand a trade. And so, predictably, guys like Greg Cote and Dave Hyde come out and offer their two cents as to why the Dolphins should trade Chad Henne, and the 25th overall pick to Denver, for one Jay Cutler.

While Cote has what some doctors call shitty ideas tourettes, he makes a compelling, if not clumsy, case for getting Cutler. Hyde makes the same case. Their bottom line message: Cutler is a really good quarterback with a proven track record, while Henne is a complete unknown and could very well be a bust. Back in 2006, I was hoping Nick Saban would trade up from the 16th spot to grab Cutler. I had followed Cutler's final season at Vandy and really hoped the Fins would target him as the future franchise QB. Instead Saban stood pat, which was cool because he ended up drafting Antonio Cromartie instead. Oh wait. That's right. He didn't do that at all. He took a shit on my dreams and drafted Jason Allen. God I hope Nick Saban's dick just falls off right now as I type this.

Anyway, I still like Cutler. He's got a cannon for an arm and could be a great player under the right conditions. But he's a pouty little fuck. And he likes to throw interceptions. And those two things just doesn't mesh with a Bill Parcells team, which makes this whole argument such a futile and meaningless exercise. But it's intriguing. As intriguing as wanting to know what exactly a doctor would say to you if an erection did last longer than four hours? Well, no. But intriguing nonetheless.

wow, you guys are awesome!

Thanks for all the love yesterday, Nation! I had no idea DRK was going to announce to the world that I am a year closer to death. But I appreciate it. I was so moved, I shat my pants. I still can't believe you people keep coming to read my inane goofy ass ramblings. But we all have an unhealthy and obsessive love for our Miami Dolphins. And that's what brings us together. That and pictures of tits. And ass. Also, a special thanks to the ladies of FN. I always boast to my fellow Dolphins bloggers that FN attracts the majority of sexy female Dolphins fans and they're all like yea, well, we get more hits, and I'm all yea well, enjoy all the cock while I go read my comments from FinsGirl22 and the other ladies. That usually shuts them up. Assholes. The FN Ladies alone makes this the greatest blog in the entire universe. Anyway, thanks again for the comments and the shitload of e-mails and e-cards I found in my inbox.

As a side note, my son gave me a birthday card with a cartoon snowman melting into dark brown goo and saying to himself, "Note to self: Jalapeno burrito, bad idea" and when you open the card, there's a fart noise. His mother went out of her way to tell me he picked it out. So proud to know the apple doesn't fall far from the shit joke tree.

And if you must know, I'm now the same age as this guy. Only I'm sexier. And I don't lose my shit and start yelling, "What don't you fucking understand!!??" at people. Unless I'm yelling at Cam Cameron. Fuck that guy.

And now.... on with the football talk and the dickjokery!!!

Weeeee!!!!!

It's The Dude's Birthday!!!

It's our fearless leader's birthday today, folks.  I think he's turning 21 or something. 

Anyway, let's send our love to the man that gives us belly-aching laughs, sober insight and overall awesomeness.  Let's make a toast to many more years of boobies, drinks, dick jokes, hot girls and dick-breaking fuckfests.  Oh yea!  And, like, winning fucking attitudes and Dolphins-related goodies.  It really is all about the simple things in life.

Oh!  I received an email from him at about 11:40pm last night that said (and I quote):  "BTW it's my birthday Monday.  I'm gonna get shit faced!!!!"

And yet, he still got up to post something!!!  What a dork!!

We love you, pal.

"Experts" Take a Collective Dump on Fins Offseason Moves

The The Miami Herald says the Dolphins have garnered some mixed reviews over their offseason moves so far.

ESPN.com analyst/former Browns scout Matt Williamson said Green is a below-average starter and a step down from Andre' Goodman, who joined Denver

Center Jake Grove: At 300 pounds, the former Raider is only a few pounds heavier than Samson Satele. But former Broncos general manager Ted Sundquist said he's an upgrade.

Safety Gibril Wilson ($8 million guaranteed) is ''a modest upgrade over Renaldo Hill,'' Sundquist said. Wilson returns to free safety after one year at strong safety with Oakland....You don't want him in the slot against Wes Welker or over the top on Randy Moss. He can be exposed.''

Bottom line on Miami's free agent foray? ''They're a little better,'' Sundquist said.

Wow. That was something. It's quite a feeling to see so many "experts" take a collective shit on the Dolphins' offseason moves. That's like someone leaving a shoebox filled with newborn kittens at your doorstep. Except that when you open this box it has a rattlesnake in it and all the kittens are dead and then your house explodes. The end. Am I the king of analogies? You bet your sweet ass I am!

These are the same experts that said the Dolphins wouldn't win more than 6 games last season and would finish dead last in the AFC East. They also said the Patriots and Cowboys would be in the Super Bowl. In other words, these experts can go right ahead and help themselves to a big heaping bowl of dick paella.