Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Jason Taylor To Be a Dolphin Again. Maybe.

Somewhere in this jumbled mess, Armando Salguero tells us that the Dolphins are negotiating with Jason Taylor.

The Dolphins signed Cameron Wake this offseason and are currently negotiating with Jason Taylor, as are at least two other teams. (Yes, that is breaking news but we kind of assumed that would be the case anyway).

Well that's something. Expect to hear rumors left and right about this in the coming days. Which is sort of good news. Because there's a semblance of truth to most rumors. That's why I'm known around town as #1 Grandma. According to the coffee mug I found in a cupboard when I moved into my house, it's true!

The Revolution Will Be All Up Our Opponents' Asses

I can't tell you how excited I got when Roger Goodell announced Pat White as the Dolphins pick in the second round. Not Megan Fox touches me in my happy place excited. But excited nonetheless. Not only will he make the Wildcat formation psychedelic as fuck but, as Omar Kelly reports today, he knows a dude who knows a dude who says he thinks Pat White will revolutionize the NFL.

Actually, it's an NFL scout Omar spoke with:

One front-office official believes the Miami Dolphins are trying to revolutionize pro football by bringing the spread to the NFL, and he said the right player to do it in White.

Jon Gruden jizzed himself when the Fins selected White and proclaimed that "the spread offense was officially in the NFL." Jimmy Johnson expanded on the whole Ballsedelicness of Pat White on 560 QAM radio last week saying, "For the 30 minutes it takes to put in a Wildcat play it takes a defense a day to figure it out and work on how to stop it." Fuck. And yea!

While the Patriots run a form of the Spread Offense with Brady, Moss, Welker and all the other New England Faggots, and the Wildcat itself is a form of the Spread Offense, with White onboard, it's about to get crunked up like a motherfucker in this hizzy. Because White brings an electrifying dynamic to the formation -- namely, his heaping balls of crazy-ass speed in addition to his ability to throw the football like a pocket quarterback. Brady can throw, but the dude runs like my Mom. Haha fuck him (Love you Mom!). With an athletic dynamo like White, what starts off as a traditional Spread Offense now becomes the Spread Option. And that means all kinds of crazy shit like the Wish Bone, the Wing-T, the Flexbone and other batshit formations. And that, my friends, is what's gonna fuck some people's shit up real good.

Best part about getting White: Bill Belichick wanted him. Both he and Parcells scouted him hard, and many "experts" swore White was going to end up a Patriot. And they would have all dropped to their knees ready to verbally suck off the Belidouche as an innovative genius who deserves all praise and honor and glory Amen. Except they forgot the Cockpuncher taught him pretty much everything he knows. And the Cockpuncher is the one who ended up with White. And yet he gets a C- minus from Mel Kiper Shitforbrains. Cockbag.

Will White revolutionize the NFL? Who knows. But at least a couple of scouts believe he will be, at the very least, an electrifying presence on the field that will make opposing defensive coordinators' balls more sweaty than usual.

Pat White is a Miami Dolphin. I don't know about you, but my nipples are so hard, they can engrave the Articles of Confederation and Perpetual Union in Sanskrit on an uncut diamond right about now.

The John Beck Era Is Over

The Dolphins have released QB John Beck because nobody would give them a seventh rounder for him.

Alas, the power of the Magical Undies was not meant to be. Sure they sometimes work for other Mormons like Donnie Osmond, and Harmon Killebrew and Ricky Schroder. Not so much for Mitt Romney or John Beck. They're temperamental, those things. And I'm sure not very ball-friendly.

And so Beck leaves us with one touchdown pass, three interceptions, and four fumbles to his credit. He was not -- as some had hoped when he was chosen 40th overall in the 2007 draft -- the future franchise quarterback to lead us back to glory. And so Scott Mitchell's reign as the greatest Mormon quarterback in Miami Dolphins history remains intact.

Here's to hoping John well. And here's to hoping Cam Cameron's ear magically turns into an asshole so that every time he goes to the bathroom, he shits on his own neck.

Bill Parcells' Plan to Field an All Tight End team Nearly Complete

Bill Parcells loves the shit out of tight ends. And he doesn't give a dick what you think. After drafting John Nalbone yesterday, adding to a plethora of tight ends that already includes No Face, Awesamo, The Emo Tight End, and DRK, Parcells is clearly not satisfied with that. So, today he signed free agent rookie TE Jared Bronson from Central Washingon.

The 6-foot-4, 255-pound Bronson didn't get much notice playing for a Division II school, but he had an outstanding senior year with 502 receiving yards and six touchdowns despite missing five games due to a shoulder injury.

Oh, and Bronson is a converted quarterback. You know what that means right? Another weapon to use in the Wildcat! Weeeee!!!

Below is a highlight vid of Bronson via Omar Kelly, because we haven't linked to his blog around here nearly enough. Oh and, unlike some people, we give credit to where we get the highlight videos we post.

Omar Kelly Would Like To Remind You That He Is, In fact, The T*ts

So while Mel Kiper is still munching on his lunch consisting of a dick sub and Red Bull, Omar Kelly posts his take on the draft and tells us why so-called experts like Mel and Maycock and McShay need to shut the fuck up about not liking the Dolphins' class.

One of my scouting buddies told me his team spends roughly $5 million a year (and that's a conservative estimation) scouting 300 college prospects, trying to determine if they have a future in the NFL. Sure it's a crap shoot still, but they have a better chance of predicting if J.D. Folson will hit big than all of the second-guessers of the world, including those employed by a major media outlet, or newspaper.

In other words, Eat a dick, Mel!

P.S.: the pic above appeared during an 'Omar Kelly' Google image search. Make of it what you will.

FN Would Like To Cordially Invite Mel Kiper Jr. To Suck a Bag of D*cks

The guy who's perfected and made a career of talking about something that is pretty much a crap shoot, gave the Dolphins draft class an overall grade of C-minus. What a fully-coiffed dick. I would give you the real ESPN link, but you'd have to plunk down 20 bucks to become an Insider so you can read what Mel has to say. Who knew that in this economy horseshit was worth that much? Hey-ohhhh!

You can see my Day One analysis here. Clearly, I think Day One was the cat's meow Scarlett Johanssons tits. So, Day One gets an A grade.

Day Two I wasn't too crazy about. Some are calling Pat Turner a reach. They're also going to knock the whole USC-receiver thing. Those people can go get fucked by a penguin. Because Turner was a solid pick. He's clearly a guy Parcells and Crew liked. A huge target with good hands and a guy that was chosen to compliment Ted Ginn's speed, DAvone Bess' versatility and Greg Camarillo's quickness.

The rest of the guys I'm not too keen on. The Brian Hartline pick did seem like a reach. Not sure I like spending 4th rounders on special teams guys not named Devin Hester. Not sure we couldn't have found him after the draft. Some people like Chris Clemons, but I'm not sold. The Andrew Gardner pick was solid because you can never have enough productive O-linemen (from the ACC no less). The JD Folsom pick is a total fucking mystery. But it was a 7th round pick, so we'll see.

As for the lack of drafting a DT: after BJ Raji and Ron Brace, I'm not sure there was someone the Fins liked enough to draft. Raji went in the top of the draft and Brace was taken by Belidouche in the 2nd round (which probably led to us getting the ballsedelic Pat White) It was a fairly weak DT class after the Boston College guys. The Fins also signed a bunch of undrafted players, which we'll get to shortly.

FN Dolphins Draft Grade

Day One: A

Day Two: C

Overall Grade: B

Megan Fox: Sitting on my face.

Mel Kiper Jr: Eating a dick sandwich.

Pat White Will Make The Wildcat Offense Psychedelic As F*ck

Well, I stand up next to a mountain
And I chop it down with the edge of my hand.
Well, I stand up next to a mountain,
Chop it down with the edge of my hand.

Hey, baby.

This is Pat White.  Yea, baby.  I said...thank you, Jeff Ireland for draftin' me, baby.  That's right.  I'm gonnaaaaa...make that Wildcat offense special, baby...(chuckles to himself)...I'm gonna do somethin'...uhhh...reallly silly, mama....gonna catch a pass from Ronnie Brown and uhhhmmm...maybe pass it down to Vernon Carey for a touchdown, baby...then I'll give the ball to The Man with the Silver Face in the endzone seats, baby...yeaaaaa...

/ Guitar Feedback.  Followed by intense guitar solo for 9 minutes

I said, yea, baby...we won't be necessarily stoned but ummmm...BEAUTIFUL...

Heard the Dolphins have the most beautiful cheerleaders in the NFL, baby...yeaaaaaa...Patti Hendrix may want to make sweet loooove to one of those beautiful ladies...bring her a rose from the Golden Glades Interchange and uhhhhh ride the skies with her...put flowers in her hair and tell her she's ummmm BEAUTIFUL...yeaaaa....

But my question to ummmmm...you FinsNation faithful issss...

ARE YOU EXPERIENCED???

(backwards palm muted guitar through wah wah pedal)

 

photoshop by Patch Labz - my roommate and Dolphins fan

Round 7 Picks: ILB JD Folsom, Weber State

Pick 214 (from Cleveland): ILB JD Folsom, Weber State. Weber State? At this point, I think Parcells is going out of his way to find the most obscure schools to draft dudes from. Just because he can. I dare you to Google this guy and find something that tells you anything about him as a football player. Here's the best I got: He studied to be a veterinarian. He played inside linebacker. He may or may not be a Mormon.

Pick 237 (from Carolina): Was traded to the Chiefs. Because it's enough already. The Chiefs sent the Dolphins their 7th rounder for next year.

The draft is over. But there is still work to be done. We found Devone Bess as an undrafted rookie last year. Now we need to find a rookie NT. Or build ourselves a Jason Ferguson robot. Whichever can be done before next week's rookie camp.

Round 6 Pick: OT Andrew Gardner, Georgia Tech

Now we're back to picking up the types of guys Parcells loves so well. Big wood-chip eating motherfuckers with big hands and big balls and big motors. With their 6th round pick, the Fins take OT Andrew Gardner out of Georgia Tech.

At 6'6, 304 pounds, Gardner is large man. Big frame, long arms, big bear paws, and is totally a Parcells/Sparano-guy: a mauler who plays aggressive and doesn't take any shit from you, you goddamned pansy. Gardner is a hard worker and started all four years at GT. He's not very quick on his feet, but for a sixth-round trencher, he doesn't need to be. He'll just pick you up and eat you. He's perfectly suited for the running game, which is good news for Black Thunder and company. It's a solid pick and adds depth to the offensive line. Donald Thomas, anyone?

Round 5 Picks: TE John Nalbone, Monmouth; S Chris Clemons, Clemson

The Fins entered the 5th with two picks.

Pick 161: TE John Nalbone, Monmouth. Man does Parcells love his tight ends. And who knew Monmouth was a real place? Nalbone is a big fella at 6'4, 255 pounds. Mike Mayock described him as a bit of a 'tweener. Not a great blocker and not a great pass catcher. But he has terrific speed and uses his size and athleticism to his advantage (I totally just sounded like Mayock there!). We now have exactly 5,875 tight ends on our roster. Here's hoping that Nalbone makes the cut. Because his name has him tailor made for FN dick jokes. And at the end of the day, that's what truly matters. Maybe.

Pick 165 (from Indianapolis): S Chris Clemons from Clemson. Not sure about this pick in the fifth round. 6-feet, 208 pounds, Clemons has decent speed, is well built and had a productive career at Clemson. But nothing much stands out about him. More than that, his teammate and fellow safety Michael Hamlin is projected as a better prospect. But the Fins went with Clemons instead. Hamlin was picked right after him by the Cowboys.

All in all, a weird second day so far. The Turner pick was solid. After that, it feels like the Fins have been reaching for the last few guys. But I've been logged on Twitter and diddling with my balls all day, so what the hell do I know.