It's with heavy heart and deep regret, FN faithful, that I am going to rescind my original intent to attend this year's NFL draft here in New York City as a representative of FinsNation. After doing a considerable amount of research, I literally took a shit in my pants at the prospect of losing my entire weekend to hanging out with Kige Fuckin' Ramsey-like dudes for about 14 hours on end. Look, an important game would have me sitting in a line in the hot sun for hours until I was at the brink of death and beyond but I can't fathom sitting in line from 10pm on Fri night until 1pm the next day when all of 3 of you will likely read up to 4 of my Twitter updates. When you work about 12 hours a day like I do, it's not hyperbole to say that I value every weekend hour much like Scrooge McDuck values every goddamn penny in that moneybin. I truly appreciate you all voting for me to get out there and represent us. I may have broken the cherry on my NYC criminal record in your honor.
So, sorry to get any hopes up. I know the feeling. Like this weekend, a girl came over for dinner and to stay over at my place on Sunday night and all I got was a series of 13 second blowies, a hardcore makeout session and some mutual masturbation that resulted in jizz EVERYWHERE. Ah, shit!