Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Weekender

I know I mention breasts a lot here on FN. And why not? They just might be the greatest thing ever invented. But, make no mistake, I am an ass man. I love me some ass.

Take this week's Weekender Girl Estella Warren's ass for example. In the pic above as well as here, here and here.

Her ass is so awesome that it can hold up walls and keep buildings from collapsing. See? I don't know if that's really what's happening in that picture, but I'm going to assume that's the case. Because Estella's ass seems to have a save buildings from collapsing and other random deeds of awesomeness vibe to it. It's like a super hero. Who knows how many lives it has saved. They'll probably have a parade in its honor and a local high school marching band will play the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey at the ceremony and they'll give it the Key to the City and name a street after it. And then they'll bring out the survivors and have them thank Estella's ass in person for the entire world to see. "Thank you, Estella's ass," they'll say. And it will reply, "My reward is that justice has been done! And remember, wherever there is injustice you will find me. Wherever there is suffering I'll be there. Wherever liberty is threatened, you will see me!" And the multitudes will cheer and the confetti will fall and we will all weep and sing songs of peace and all wars will end and harmony will reign and there will be a thousand years of peace on earth!!!

Anyway, yea, Estella's ass is pretty spectacular.

Have a good weekend, y'all!
/Chad Pennington

In Case It was Ever in Doubt, ESPN Still in Deep, Deep Love with Tom Brady

Every other headline on ESPN's football page gets to the point, as headlines are wont to do. Two Colts players are recovering from knee injuries, the player's union wants to halt drug suspensions, the Panthers' owner makes his first appearance since a heart transplant. All solid, to the point, headlines.

Then there's the one about Tom Brady.

Not only is he throwing again, but he stretched in light rain. Christ. If there was any more room, it would also include: "...and then he serenely placed his helmet upon his wonderfully coiffed head, a face touched by the hand of God, made from the mold of a thousand beguiling cherubs, as he brought the emerald green cup of Gatorade up towards his sublime mouth, gently caressing the lip of the cup with his supple thirsty tongue, taking in the thirst quenching liquid as if it was wine from the goblet of Athena herself...." (Watch Video)

Holy fuck, ESPN. We all knew you had the hardest of hardons for the King of All Douches, but try and be a little more subtle and a little less F. Scott Fitzgerald about it. Fucking cockbags.

In another story, I find it rather awesome that the Dolphins -- known for their secrecy and tight lips and bland press conferences and close to the vest philosophy -- are blatantly practicing the Wild Cat in front of the media. It's pretty much a message sender. That message: "Fuck you in the pants, NFL!"

Balls.

Omar is Twittering The Sh-t Out of OTA's Today

Omar Kelly will be twittering from Dolphins OTA's all day today. So be sure to keep up with him at his Twitter page.

While you're at it, be sure to sign up so you can follow FinsNation on Twitter. You can also follow DRK. This interwebs thing is the tits, I tells ya. Some say technology will be our undoing. But that's an exaggeration. Some act as if Dr. Frankenstein is alive and running amok out there. It's just good clean fun. So relax, people. We'll be just fine.

It's not like a bunch of scientists are out there figuring out ways to create glow in the dark monkeys!

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!

Oh.

The Robot Chad Henne Did Not Care for X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Everyone's a critic.

Also, he spent some time with some elementary school kids, which was really cool of him to do.

Bill Parcells Would Like You To Sit Down and STFU, Please

Yesterday, ESPN.com ran an article on Lebron James "examining" his untapped football potential.  See, Lebron was an All-State WR while in high school during his sophmore and junior years when he set records that still stand (likely school records).  Lebron gave up football entirely to focus on basketball his senior season after hanging out with Michael Jordan while the rest of his teammates were discovering the joys of early aughts web sensation, DogFart.  When asked, Bill Parcells had this to say on the matter:

"I would tell him I think he needs to lay down on the couch and have some warm milk and listen to some soft music," Miami Dolphins football operations boss Bill Parcells said. "Football's not something he needs to do. If he asked my advice, I'd tell him to keep playing basketball because he's doing OK.

After which, Parcells complimented James' exceptional abilities to the point that he wouldn't put anything past the guy.  Nonetheless, you can't help but think that Parcells sat there with a glassy look in his eyes that said 'Dude, he'd still have to play football and there are about 100 other guys in the League that are goddamn fuckin' twisted steel as much as Lebron is and they are gunning to wack his head off on every play'.  Still, it's a nice little fantasy that will(thankfully) never play out.  The dude is quick, strong and I could see him as an even more freakish Andre Johnson or something if we could quantify his speed.  Still, you'd have to wonder about his 40-time, elusiveness, ability to shed tacklers, toughness and everything else that comes with being a badass NFL warrior since basketball is a game that relies more so on agility and quickness than raw speed (especially at WR).  In the Red Zone, though, Lebron would likely be a very very dangerous target. 

When asked whether DRK (in his prime) could have played in the NFL in some capacity, Tuna replied, "Well, sure if they reverse the ban on having faggots on your team, I'm sure he could probably weasel his way in there as a practice squad kicker, pizza orderer, Ronnie Brown jockstrap sniffer, Martin Gramatica hoister...ummm...".  This went on for some time so I'll spare you the rest.

Will Allen Signs Extension, Drew Rosenhaus' Twitter Account Still a Rambling Mess

The Dolphins have signed Will Allen to an extension. This according to Drew Rosenhaus and his twitter. The deal is for 2 years and is worth $16.2 million.

Allen is coming off another kick-ass season with 3 INTs, 50 tackles and all-around solid play at the nickel. It's a great move by the Fins. Will Allen is an invaluable part of the Fins secondary, will bring great leadership to our young stud corners, and is an all around heaping sack of balls.

Well That's One Way to Get Your Ass Released

So by now you all know that defensive lineman Randy Starks was arrested over the weekend for pinning a cop against a vehicle with his vehicle. He was released on $10,000 bail and faces felony charges. So it looks like Starks might just have run his own ass right out of town. Or not. Stay tuned. The details appear fuzzy, as does the lack of depth at d-line for the Dolphins.

Starks found himself cruising South Beach late Saturday night/early Sunday morning, and reportedly had thirteen people in his truck that is supposed to seat four. He also had a woman sitting on his lap while he drove. Needless to say, if Starks is going to get cut from the team, he chose the best possible way to do it. By having a hot chick sitting on your lap while you ram your party bus up against a cop on Ocean Drive. That's one crazy-ass holiday weekend, broheim.

In a related story, my holiday weekend consisted of me emptying my entire Star Wars action figure collection on the living room floor and having myself a kick ass intergalactic battle! Pew-pew! Yer dead Snaggle Tooth! Yer dead!

Weekender: Gettin' Mooned

Today's lone Dolphins news item: Jake Long got a raise. Moving on...

This week's Weekender girl is Moon Bloodgood. Contrary to her goofy-ass name, she is not a vampire. She is, however, sexy as hell. And she stars in Terminator: Salvation, which starts today. Terminator: Salvation is getting mixed reviews. Critics can't seem to agree if they like this movie or not. But I can tell you that my penis and I agree that Moon is hot, and that's all that really matters when it comes to Summer blockbuster flicks. Fuck plot. Give us shit that blows up and a hot ass (see: Transformers, Transformers 2). Nobody is gunning for a Golden Globe Award here. Unless there's a Best Hot Ass & Tits & Shit That Blows Up category.

And for the ladies, star of Terminator: Salvation, Christian Bale. Just kidding. Here you go. Haha, ok no seriously, here.

I'm not afraid to admit that I think Christan Bale is pretty hot. I would totally blow him if he asked me to. And not just if I cut him off in traffic or walked in on a scene he was doing, where he'd yell, "Hey, what the fuck are you doing?!" And I'd say, "Fuck you Batman!" And he'd reply, "Ah blow me pal!" Although I probably would, even then.

Anyway... have a great holiday weekend, Nation. Be back here on Tuesday. See you then. Be safe.

Also, if you haven't already, go listen to my guest spot on WQAM's The D.A. Show from earlier this week.

Parcells Shockingly Signs a Tight End

The Dolphins have agreed to terms with fifth round pick, tight end John Nalbone. It's a four-year contract that includes a $173,000 signing bonus.

Nalbone's contract includes an escalator clause in 2012 for the low restricted tender if he reaches a 35-percent playing time level during any of the next four seasons.

So Bill Parcells' dream of fielding an all-tight end team is nearly complete. The recent news of Ernest Wilford playing H-Back is another piece of the tight endy puzzle.

Parcells' love for tight ends borders on obsession. Like me with Megan Fox. Only he actually has tight ends, while I have my pillow. Some would say there's a huge difference between the real Megan Fox and my pillow. But keep in mind that my pillow also doubles as Marissa Miller, Lucy Pinder, and both girls from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. So, in the end, I think we all know who the real winner in all this is.

Hey Suite Owners: Get Ready For Something Else to Distract You While You Don't Watch the Dolphins Game

Ethan Skolnick reports that nerd extraordinaire, half-man half-gargoyle, Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross, has brought a new innovation to Landshark Stadium.

Ross has partnered up with Kangaroo Media, who are providing 5,000 specialized hand held wireless devices in all premium seats and suites at Goofy Ass Name Stadium.

Essentially, fans will be able to customize their experience at the games, by choosing camera angles (including a cheerleader cam), watching other games available on Sunday Ticket, ordering food, getting fantasy stats and texting others in the stadium. More features will become available eventually, and the product has the capability of taking feeds from a number of different sources.

The devices are available only for those who purchase premium seats and suites. Everyone else will have to actually watch the game. Haha fuck you, poor people!

I guess it's a cool innovation. Ross predicts other teams will follow suit. And it makes sense to give the people that arrived to the game via helicopter or hovercraft another toy to keep them occupied from, you know, the game. The rest of us sitting in the plastic seats in the sweltering heat are fucked. But hey, look! On the big screen! It's Lou Diamond Phillips! Awesome! My testes are melting.