Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Ah Crap

Holy fuckbuckets this sucks. Heaping Balls of Badassery, right guard Donald Thomas, sustained another injury. This time he tore a pectoral muscle. Thomas busted out onto the scene last year as a sixth-round pick from Connecticut. If you recall, he was blowing up defensive rushers at the line of scrimmage and was on his way to being one of the better steals of the draft. Then, because Jesus is angry at you for looking at those dirty playing cards, we were all punished when Thomas was lost for the season with a foot injury.

Now he suffers an injury in the last place an O-lineman needs to be getting hurt. In the pecs. So it's back to plugging our offensive line with the Joe Bergers of the world.

I think the appropriate response to this news is to go shit on a random stranger's foot.

Everybody Saw The Sun Shine - Except Arrrrrrmando

Funny how 99% of anyone even remotely associated with the Dolphins was rather interested and exhuberant today with the exception of one guy that just loves to take that ice cream cone you just bought, throw it on the ground, unleash a rectum-widening turd upon it then kick it right back in your stupid face for even THINKING you have a right to an opinion - no matter how innocuous it may very well be.  A sampling:

[Update again: I know some of you are quoting reports about White is having a bad day today. Can we get serious here? This is an OTA day in May. One more time. It is one OTA in May. Yes, White had a couple of errant high tosses. But that means nothing in the grand scheme of things so please let's get some perspective. The only thing that really matters at this point is who is hurt, who is healthy and looking at where players line up to judge what coaches are thinking about their players. That is it. If you're reading somewhere that White was erratic or somebody struggled in an OTA day practice and that is means something, you're reading the wrong report.

Sparano, by the way, said White had a very good day on Monday so there. It means nothing!]

Well, la-dee-da, Annie Fuckin' Hall.  That last sentence was most certainly followed by "Nyah", Arrrmando sticking out his tongue, a dumb frowny face and then walking away while shaking his booty.  I don't think anyone's really harping on that or even remotely insinuating that Pat 'JIMI FUCKIN' HENDRIX OF THE NEW OFFENSE TO COME' White is heading down the same path as your Jamar Fletchers or Jason Allens.  The dude had a bad day and he's a little nervous.  I believe that is the ONLY reaction that has been proliferated on these here Innernettes.  But you heard it there first, people:  PAT WHITE!!  NOT YET A BUST!!!  IT'S OTAs PEOPLE AND HE'S A ROOKIE!!!  YOU HAVE TO EXPECT THIS SORT OF THING TO HAPPEN!!!

Arrrrmando would also like you to know that if you lose your iPhone it's going to be 'very expensive' to get a replacement one under your current contract and that 'sometimes the hottest girls are the biggest bitches'.  MIND. BLOWING.

In other news:

• Sadly, Donald Thomas had another setback, my friends.  Torn pectoral muscles are not easily healed (think Ricky after Larry Foote used him like one of those doggie staircases as seen on TV).  This does not bode well for my plans on getting a Donald Thomas Fat Head.
• Todd Lowber caught a long pass on blown coverage.  He's already the front runner for this site's highly-coveted award.  Keep up the good work, Todd.  You're setting yourself up to be in that exclusive canon with some of the Greats.
• Jason Taylor was working with the 2nd team and was apparently the 4th outside linebacker depth-wise.  Maybe they're getting him accustomed to working more on the strong side since he's probably better in coverage than Matt Roth (see:  T-Rex arms vs 73,928 interceptions returned for TDs).
• Patrick Turner ran around a lot today.  Nice work, Pat.  Good workout.
• Ricky and Ronnie were long-tossing from 15 yards away for a while with Parcells watching.  Interesting.
• Pat White is NOT, I repeat, NOT a bust.

More useful information here.  In other areas, well, less so.

And Then There Was That Time I Polluted the South Florida Airwaves (Updated)

What up Nation. Just a heads up to tell you all that I was on The D.A. Show on 560 WQAM Sports Talk Radio last night. The D.A. Show is a kickass sports talk program hosted by Damon Amendolara, and can be heard weeknights from 8 to 11 EST. And from the looks of his site, it would seem that D.A. is also fond of the boobies.

You can listen to my inane ramblings by clicking here. My segment starts at the :21 mark, and then it all goes down hill from there. I know I hide it well, but I'm pretty sure I shit my pants during the whole thing. And yet I still managed to finish the segment. I'm clutch!

Be sure to take plenty of notes of my butchering the interview and completely grinding Mr. Amendolara's show to a painful halt so you can all mock me ceaselessly in the comments until I shit a turtle.

Enjoy.

The Season's Right For Knowing

Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt it's great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above? Me neither. But I imagine it's close to what I'm feeling right now, mainly because Jason Taylor is a Dolphin again. Also because, now that the dust has settled, and we look back on the last couple of months, we can clearly see that our Fins had themselves a pretty sweet off-season. It just sort of crept up on us. Like a warm sunny breeze by the lakeside. Or a morning hardon.

Anyway, Omar Kelly gives us his Top 10 off-season additions that will make the biggest impact for the Dolphins this year.

The entire list is kick-ass. Because it makes you appreciate how good we have it with Parcells running shit, in spite of Stephen Ross and his epic quest to make us the most ridiculous franchise in the NFL. Ross makes the list by the way. And Omar points out that The Gargoyle has made an impact by keeping Parcells and bringing in CEO Michael Dee. And those are good points.

I guess the main thing I take out of that is that we should be able to take dumbass stadium names, C-list celebrities, and the gayest fight song ever, if it means winning games and shoving a gargantuan monkey fist up Bill Belichick's ass year in and year out. And, at the end of the day, that's what it's all about in my book.

Aside from tits, of course. Tits takes a back seat to no monkey fist up Bill Belichick's ass. Because tits are awesome. They should be on tables at restaurants along with salt and pepper. Or, better yet, as an extra topping at Cold Stone. Anytime anyone says, "This Sweet Cream Latte needs something," or "What would make this Hunka Chunka Burnin' Fudge taste better?" The answer invariably should be, "tits!" Tits! Again and again. That's my philosophy anyway....

Weekender: Then There Was That Time Maxim Called Down the Wrath of the Dude

So there I was, sitting poolside, soaking in the sun, taking in the cool fresh breeze and sippin on my poison, when my penis senses suddenly kicked in. It usually alarms me to a damsel in distress, and occasionally the closest tight ass and/or big tits in the vicinity -- which makes it more like a GPS than a sixth sense kind of thing -- but in this case, there was most definitely a damsel in distress. Turns out, that damsel was none other than FN Hero Megan Fox. And the distress was the crime committed against her by Maxim magazine -- the world's most retarded publication. Namely, that she was ranked number 2 in their Hot 100 this year.

I'm not sure how Maxim chooses their Hot 100, but I'm willing to bet it's someone freebasing freon, or a bunch of dude-hating broads with an agenda, or communists, or a team of  eunuchs. Because there's just no way in samfuckinghill anyone can otherwise explain how Megan Fox failed to hit the number one spot this year.

Don't get me wrong, I'd go down on Olivia Wilde faster than Peter King on Brett Favre's cock smothered in a Starbucks frappuccino and pork chops.... but this is Megan fucking Fox we're talking about!

Holy fuckbuckets! How can Megan Fox not be number one??? Are you just trying to be clever for clever's sake, Maxim? Ooohh look at us! We're so hip and ironic! We drink Pabst Blue Ribbon and wear snowcaps in 90 degree weather! We threw everyone a curve ball because we're so trendy and pertinent! Fucking fucksticks. Every last one of you. Shut the fuck up and go back to finger banging your cat or whatever the fuck it is you do when you're not busy ruining everything.

Okay... back to laying around and doing nothing. Have a great weekend, Nation. Kudos to DRK for bringing it strong all week. Glad he was around to break the JT news. See you all Monday.

Good Morning!!! It's Friday, You Beautiful Bastards

With The Dude somewhere on the Left Coast, it's my honor and duty to get you through another glorious Friday.  Fridays really are the shit, aren't they?  So maybe you'd like to meander through photos like these (you know, I would be totally fuckin' down to go watch the Caliente if the tickets were cheap and I had good binocs like a perv).  Or, there are also sites like this one if you hate the aforementioned 'fucking' thing (they come in spades where I live).  And there's this as well if you're not into the whole brevity thing.  I'd link to Bill Hicks' YouTube page as he is a timeless genius on the level of a Lennon or Balanchine if my job didn't block the living shit out of YouTube.

But mostly, let's just fucking cruise like The Dude and enjoy that Pacific breeze.  Play a little 'Tusk', get our work done and slink off into the night like the goddamn vampires we are.  Cool ones.  Not like Al Davis or Carl Peterson.  Fuck those night creatures with a Van Helsing-sharpened cock.

Feel free to provide some interesting links in the comments.

Let us ride...

Champagne Breakfast For Everyone!

Welcome back, you Heaping Sack of Ballstrocity.

/tears of joy

/stained shorts

The Prodigal Son Returns Home

He's back, you AFC East foe faggots.  He is fucking back.

You see that #99 over there lined up opposite J-Peezy and ready to tear your stupid fucking head off?  Yea, you know that guy.  You know him well.  He fucked you up for YEARS and he's fucking back, you shitbags.  Tom Brady, did you suddenly feel a weird setback from your ACL/MCL recovery while you were walking around Rodeo Drive this morning with your goddamn purse and lipstick??  Do you need another tampon for your soon-to-be bloody asshole??  Cool.  JT's gonna give that to ya.  Wait.  Is that Trent Edwards I see knocking his head against the walls of his living room over and over again in the hopes that he can become permanently concussed?  Yea, likely is because why the fuck suffer at the hands of #99?  A goddamn lobotomy is a vacation in Aruba compared to what JT is gonna do to you this season.  Oh shit!!  That's Dirty Sanchez shitting his pants because in the 16 fucking games that he's started in his college career he NEVER came across the physical freak badass that is Jason FUCKING Taylor. 

So a hearty 'fuck you' to Fireman Ed, Bill Belichick, any of the 16 left tackles that JT will face this season and any other motherfucker that thinks he won't be getting a face-full of that cool circle/punch thing that JT does after a tackle for a loss. 

Because he's back and, unless you're wearing white/aqua/coral on game day, you are truly and pathetically fucked, sir.

Oh!  And one last thing.  Pwwease??

O Hai!

Soooo...what's up?  Me?  Nuthin'. 

/ looks down while kicking around some dirt

Yea, we're officially in the dead zone of the NFL offseason.  There really ain't shit going on.  Sure, I guess we could talk about The Goblin and whether Favre-cum-dumpster Peter King thinks there's something 'weird' about the whole Landshark naming rights deal.  Or whether dick-spinning Arrrrmando thinks we have a dearth of leadership on the roster at key positions.  But in all honesty, I don't see how that filler is in any way germane to what the Dolphins will or won't be this season.  It's just journalistic filler.

In lieu of that, I present you with The Dude and I's version of 'filler': 

BOOBIES!!

ASSES!!

TIGHT, SWEATY TUMMIES!!

Welcome to TittyBall Junction, Nation.

Weekender: The Wait is Over

This week's Weekender Girl is Diora Baird. She's been featured in Playboy and Maxim. She also happens to appear in the new Star Trek movie that starts today. Don't pretend like you didn't know this was coming.

Diora plays an Orion girl -- those busty green chicks that Captain Kirk always gets to nail. Orion girls are called "animal women" and are known for their wild sexual appetites. I know all this because I'm a huge fucking nerd.

Anyway, as you might have already surmised, this weekend for me will be all about Star Trek. I just may see it like 5,745 times. In one day. Meanwhile, DRK's weekend will be all about the consumption of alcohol, sunbathing on his balcony, and talking to real-life girls. Pfft. Loser.

Have a great weekend, Nation. Try not to dwell too much on the whole Landshark Stadium thing. The Cockpuncher is in charge here. And at the end of the day, that's all that matters. That and tits.

Oh and here's more of Diora: Here, here, here and here (last one NSFW).