Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Dave DeGuglielmo wants to know what you mean when you say he's funny. Funny how? Like he's a clown, he amuses you?

Ethan Skolnick, who keeps reminding me over and over again that he has found a way to get THOUSANDS of Twitter followers! all the live long day, has a pretty cool piece on the Fins' new offensive line coach, Dave DeGuglielmo. DeGuglielmo sounds like a the perfect Tony Sparano clone. Tough, no nonsense, with an inclination to turn his unit into a bunch of raging bulls who plow through defensive rushers and generally kick tons of ass whenever they damn well please.

"We're going to move defenders," DeGuglielmo says. ..."We just have to change the mentality in the room, to become a dominant, physical offensive line in the making of Tony Sparano. That's what he wants, that's how I was trained when I played for him, and that's the way I dealt with it my past five years in my previous place of employment. These guys have responded well."

DeGuglielmo is Italian. And that automatically makes him 80% more badass. Because there's something about a dude who may or may not have ties to the mob yelling at you to get your fat ass up and push some dudes in the hot sun than if it came from some old white guy from Wisconsin.

Being Italian alone doesn't do it, though. You've got to have the swagger, as DeGuglielmo clearly has. I've got Italian in my family. But I'm more inclined to talk like a pizza guy than a mafia guy. While DeGuglielmo is all "We're gonna fuckin' knock da shit outta people, now go git yer fuckin' shine box!" I'm all "Mama mia! I'm-a gonna make you-a special pie. Just how you like it! That's-a spicey meat-a-ball!"

Eric Green Is Doing Great

When the Dolphins signed free agent cornerback Eric Green to a contract back in March, we were pretty happy with it. Mainly because, at that moment, the cornerback position was basically manned by Jason Allen and Don Knotts. Things have gotten better since then. What with drafting Vontae Davis and Sean Smith and everything. We also signed Will Allen to an extension.

So having Green suddenly became a luxury as he's now part of a deep group. And this weekend's OTAs are so far proving that he's been a solid signing. And by that we, of course, mean he's so far been an unmitigated disaster.

From the Sentinel:

For those who are wondering why Davis' progress is slower than Smith's it's because Davis is learning two positions (boundary and nickel) while Smith is strictly a boundary guy. Based on Eric Green's lackluster showing this weekend they'll both have a shot to take the job because of their upside.

From the PBP:

Eric Green: Every time you turned around last weekend, someone was beating Green down field. The fifth-year pro signed during the off-season gave up four long TDs and a number of other catches.

From the Sentinel (again):

Considering how much CB Eric Green got picked on this weekend (no quarterback even bothered challenging Will Allen for more than a handful of plays the entire weekend, which is remarkable), I think the starting spot opposite Allen will be Sean Smith or Vontae Davis' to lose.

So it would appear the Curse of Signing Dudes Named Eric Green continues for the Dolphins. He could, of course, get better. But probably not. We just need to hope that our corners stay healthy and that the rookies learn the game quick. In the meantime, look at this amazing picture of Megan Fox and her amazing ass and tits and legs. I'm not sure how Megan Fox's amazing ass, tits and legs will help Eric Green become a better cornerback but my God we have to try something!!

Ted Ginn Jr. is Getting There, Maybe

Before we move on into the doldrums of the off-season, we wrap up the last of the OTAs. As with most OTAs, not much can be gleaned about your team (unless you're Rex Ryan, in which case you're headed to 12 straight Super Bowl titles). But it looks like the one guy who stood out during the weekend was none other than Teddy Football himself. Ginn displayed speed, soft hands and, most importantly, is learning to run like an NFL wide receiver and not like a guy being chased by a bee.

Ted Ginn Jr. showed some signs he could become the playmaking wide receiver the Dolphins need....On one of Pennington's tosses, Ginn got behind Eric Green for a 50-yard TD, maintaining his concentration when safety Gibril Wilson arrived to help a step late....Ginn, who has just four TD catches in two seasons, is beginning to look like a veteran himself, showing a burst and soft hands on several receptions Friday.

I will remind you -- Armando Salguero Piss In Your Hair Style -- that it is June and that it's only OTAs and that these guys were sans pads this weekend. So, no need to start sucking each other's cocks over this quite yet. BUT, it's good to know Ginn is at least making strides and is looking to get out of the Jason Allen School of Perpetual Suck. We need Teddy to start ripping it up. We want to love him. We do. He just makes it so difficult sometimes. I mean look at that picture above. Fumbling an end-around. In the playoffs. Adorable.

46 Days of Boobie Pics

Welp, that was a nice little 30 second blowie.

OTAs are officially done for the Dolphins (with the exception of a closed session on Wednesday) and that means that we have absolutely nothing going on for the next 46 days or so when training camp opens up.  We'll try our best to get you through the doldrums of these dark and eerily quiet days with boobies, dick jokes and anything (seriously, anything) that can be deemed Dolphins-related.  Is it going to feel a little bit like the 1982 fantasy film 'The Quest for Fire'??  Yea, at times it may seem that interminable but at the very least our women will be properly groomed.

Oh, and Anthony Armstrong.  You ARE on fire, my friend.  I'm already polishing off the J.R. Tolver Memorial Award for Wide Receivers Who Excel During OTAs and Training Camp Only To Do Nothing Once The Regular Season Starts for you, big guy.  No one else is even close right now.

Weekender

It was quite an eventful week, what with all the shit talking from people who have yet to win anything and all the shit eating Jets trolls that invaded our site. What do you say we wash away all the Jets stench and all the pictures of testicle faced jackass head coaches right our of our minds? Because, I don't know about you, Nation, but I'm dirty and I need someone to rub me down with warm water and soap nice and good. And by "someone" I mean you, naked soapy Keeley Hazel and anonymous Asian girl inexplicably showering with your bikini on.

Here are the same pictures in larger form: Blam and Bang. Doublin' up to make sure we really get all that Jets ass-stink out of this place and move on with our AFC East Championship winning lives. I've also asked DRK to open a couple of windows.

And for the ladies of FN, a little Ryan Reynolds. Because my girlfriend demanded it he's kinda cool.

Be sure to catch up with Dolphins mini camp updates via the Sentinel and Omar's Twitter. Have a great weekend, Nation. And may Rex Ryan accidentally fall ass backwards onto a fire hydrant really, really hard.

Chad Pennington Is The Best

The Miami New Times released their annual Best of Miami issue this week. This is relevant to you, FN Nation, because the New Times has named Chad Pennington Best Dolphins Player. This is also relevant to you, FN Nation, because I wrote the article. I also contributed a bunch of other articles to the issue, but they're mainly non-sports related, so what the fuck do you care.

You can read the Pennington piece here.

You can find the rest of the NT Best of Miami 2009 online, or pick up a copy at one of them red New Times stands near a bus stop. If you ever run into me on the street, I'll gladly autograph it for you. Even if you don't ask me to. In fact, I usually just grab the paper from strangers hands I see on the streets and sign it for them. You'd be surprised how fast some people run away. I guess it's intimidating to be near such an awesome local celebrity.

Call me, ladies.

Pati White Was Drafted - For Baseball

Sooo...that's right, baby...they ummm....drafted me for baseball.

/ chuckles to himself

Yea...

/ plays perfectly awesome guitar lick (featuring feedback and complex Mixolydian guitar scales) for 3 minutes

You see, baby...they keep drafting me for baseball because I'd be so STONED and ummm BEAUTIFUL out there.  Haven't played baseball since they called me Mr. Baseball back in Alabama...

/ unison bend on guitar

But yea, I'd be doing real sexy stuff like ummmm pitching with my mouth and ummm play first base naked with flowers in my hair...field a team of all the women off my Electric Ladyland album (a bit NSFW.  thanks Jade)...yeaaaaa...stacking the bases on top of each other so they're real sexy...putting 'em out in left field...let's see you run out there and tag up...take it home...

/ sick guitar solo

But yea...umm...all Pati ever wants to do isssss...play football with the Miami Dolphins...paint my face up...take some beautiful LSD, man...play a little Wildcat football, revolutionize the game in a few hours...have myself a good time...

/ laughs and looks down sheepishly

Haha...thank you, Yankees...Pati appreciates that...but ummm...I need to practice for tomorrow, baby...got a big minicamp goin' on...need to ummmm move ova, Rover...and let Pati take over....Yeaaaaa!!! Getonwitmebaby!!!

/ Doppler Effect receding feedback

 

Jeff Ireland Says That's Enough Already

It was only a matter of time before someone from the Trifecta stepped up and told Channing Crowder to cool it with the verbal barbs with Testicle Face. And it makes me kinda sad. But not really.

Ireland was asked about the whole brouhaha and he responded as only The Ginger Cockpuncher could:

"That's a clubhouse thing," Ireland said. "I'll deal with that myself."

Holy shit! That's some Darth Vader shit right there! Holy shit! I'm a huge fucking nerd!

So now that it's over, we can move on and the Jets trolls can go back to their circle jerks and having sex with their sisters and masturbating to video of Joe Namath wagging his finger in the air when they won Super Bowl III back in 1825. We'll move on (as DRK so wonderfully put it this morning). But not before Channing Crowder and his final word on the matter:

''This is over,'' he said. ``I'm done with this victory. I'm going to save the head coach the embarrassment of arguing with an opposing player to the media. We play twice this season, so we'll see who the better team is then.''

And Ryan's response:

``What's funny is, the dude is going to kill me.''

Got that right, Gonads.

No More Fat Testicle Faces

I nearly horfed on my poppyseed bagel with cream cheese this morning while flipping over to this here site.  I can't stand to see vomit-inducing Jets colors and a fat testicle-faced coach that hasn't even won a goddamn game yet.

So I give you Scarlett.  Because she has big tits.  And I don't know how in the world the photographer convinced her to take this picture but I wholeheartedly thank him.  Because I'm really into blondes lately.

Rex Ryan Has Now Ventured Into Complete Ridiculousness

As if any of us thought this would end.

Not only has the latest Jets savior Vernon Gholston, Brett Favre, Thomas Jones, Boomer Esaison, Keyshawn Johnson, Ken O'Brien, Blaire Thomas, Johnny Mitchell, Kyle Brady, Bart Scott gotten in on the verbal bombs with Channing Crowder, but Rex Ryan and his inability to close his mouth to speak, eat a whole roasted pig, or suck on a horse's cock, just had to answer back.

"Let's see if he can top this one," Ryan said. "I've walked over tougher guys going to a fight. . . . He can send himself and his father after me."

If Scott wants to talk shit, that's cool. Players do that. Hell, we have the master of shit slinging in Joey Porter. But when a head coach does it, again and again and again, it goes from obnoxiousness to full on characiture. Rex Ryan is officially a cartoon character. Like Porky Pig, only fatter and with more of a testicle face.

Shit, the one guy who is allowed to talk in this scenario has decided to take the high road and not say anything. How much of a fucking douche do you have to be when you out-douche Bill Belichick?

No doubt this shit will keep going. As long as Ryan has a mouth, he's going to talk and eat three whole peperoni pizzas and choke down a Clydesdale's penis in between. No doubt Bill Parcells and Tony Sparano are going to step in and tell Crowder to cool it.

As for you Jets trolls.... still waiting to hear something other than what you did when Jesus walked the earth.

Fucking troglodytes.