Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Channing Crowder (or his Dad or Uncle) Will Beat Your Old Ass

We were eagerly waiting "tatted up" Channing Crowder's response to the recent shit spewed out of Rex Ryan's lard-filled maw.

And he did:

''He says he'd take care of me if he was younger?'' Crowder said. ``I'd have beat the hell out of that big old joker. Or if he really wants to get retro, my daddy or my uncle could have handled him. Don't get big. Win with preparation? Start watching some tape and learn who your rival is. Come on now.''

Damn fucking straight. I sincerely hope Parcells, Ireland, or Sparano don't silence Crowder. Because this is getting ludicrous awesome. Plus the more these two talk, the more Ryan looks like the horsecock he is.

As for the recent rash of Jets trolls (and e-mailers) that have come our way lately. Come strong or don't come at all, cockbags. I know it's difficult for some of you to form, or spell, a coherent sentence -- let alone two or three -- so just don't fucking bother. Why waste your time straining yourself to come up with something more clever than jokes about our moms or making racist comments. Wouldn't your day  be better served doing what you normally do -- sitting in your underwear with a can of frosting on your stomach, surfing for tranny porn? Why break your routine? See you when the real games start, shitsticks. And congrats on winning the OTA title!

For All Future Trolls Sure To Visit The Site

In case you forgot, WE ARE AFC EAST CHAMPIONS.  Call your FAT FUCK talk radio hosts and complain to them about your FAT FUCK coach that hasn't even won a GODDAMN game yet.

 

And eat a bowl of dicks.

Fat Guy In A Little Coat Is Apparently Asking For A Channing Crowder-Fist Shaped Hole in His Ass

We've already covered what a giant-sized fuckstick Rex Ryan is here. The incessant trash talking from his jelly doughnut inhaling shit face has gotten under everybody's skin. And Channing Crowder addressed it the other day, as only Channing Crowder could:

"Oh, [Ryan's] going crazy. He's going absolutely nuts. I know it's his first chance to be a head coach, and I know he's excited about life. But, like I said, I've never played a football game in June in my whole life. So congratulations to him. He's the OTA, the OTA Super Bowl winner."

Pretty damn funny.

But, because he has as much self-control staying quiet as he does when offered a mug of gravy to drink, Rex doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. Ryan responded to Channing's comment-- without even being asked to:

"I don't know this Channing Crowder," Ryan said. "All I know is that he's all tatted up. He's right about one thing. I'm a first-time head coach, but I've been around the game all my life. I'm no different than I've ever been, just that more people are listening."

Whoa, he's all tatted up! Zing!

More people are listening because you can't shut your fucking pie hole for two seconds. You're either spewing more shit out of it, or you're stuffing a whole Christmas ham into it.

But it's all good. The more this anal fissure talks, the bigger his failure will be. Here's to hoping he gets his face accidentally fucked by one of them horses the cops ride in New York City.

(link via The Phinsider)

Kendall Langford is Major Lazer

Fuck me in the face, this video is awesome.

Upon viewing it, the first person to pop into my idiot head was defensive end Kendall Langford. Therefore, Langford will now carry the FN-given nickname: MAJOR LAZER.

I know that, for the most part, when you give a player a nickname with the word "lazer" in it, that said player is usually a quarterback.

But in this instance, said player is not a quarterback. Besides, we already have a quarterback with a laser cannon. Fuck redundancy.

Major Lazer doesn't necessarily have to be a quarterback. He's just a bad motherfucker with a canon instead of an arm who not only destroys opposing quarterbacks, but also apparently fucks up cell phone using vampires and knife wielding punks looking to harm a lady.

Also, the dude just totally has a Kendall Langford vibe to him.

Plus, we needed a badass nickname for Langford. So there's that.

                                                         MAJOR LAZER'D!!!!!!!!

Dolphins Want You To Play for Them (Not Really)

The Miami Dolphins have launched a new video marketing campaign where they make you their off-season focus. When you log onto the video site, it asks for your first and last name (and your e-mail address so they could cluster bomb your ass with ticket offers). Then a video comes on where you are the prized free agent. There are clips of Jeff Ireland, Chad Pennington, Tony Sparano and others talking about what a great player you are. Then you have a sit down with the Gargoyle himself and sign a contract. Then you meet some fans, autograph a kid's football, and get your jersey hung next to Pennington's in the Fins locker room.

As with everything else having to do with Stephen Ross and his never ending quest to make us the most ridiculous franchise in the National Football League, my first reaction to this was to make fun of it until I shat myself blind. But then I watched the video. And then I saw my name. And I liked it. Mainly because my dorkdom apparently has no limits. When I was a kid, I used to pretend I was the fifth member of the Ghost Busters. This is no different. Which makes it 1000% awesome.

(You can find the video here. It takes a while for it to load up.)

The Robot Chad Henne Proclaims That He Shall Be Assimilated & Prepared

 

 Ethan Skolnick has an excellent profile on Chad Henne. The main focus of the piece is how Henne handles himself on and off the field. He isn't easily rattled, takes adversity well and keeps his emotions in check.

Someday, Henne will replace Pennington, perhaps at this season's conclusion, when Pennington's contract expires. Perhaps before. If you're trying to project how he'll handle a role that requires far more than throwing passes, it's worth reviewing how he handled four seasons starting at Michigan, where he was subject to parody and scrutiny. It's worth asking the person who knows him best.

"I took it all much harder than he did," Hartman says. "He has a very even temper. He doesn't get stressed out. That's why he is in this position."

He's a robot from the 50's for fucksake. Temper and stress are human emotions. But don't be fooled. A robot can easily turn on us if we anger it. This is why Henne is being assimilated to seek and destroy NFL opponents. It's more than just preparing him to lead us to several Super Bowl victories. It's also very much about keeping him from harvesting our organs and calling down his fellow robot overlords from the planet Barada Nikto 7. The guy that wrote Chad Henne Is A Joke totally got his testicles turned into liquefied petroleum gas. Watch your balls, Belichick.   

Weekender

Last week we honored Estella Warren and her life-saving ass and it's ability to keep buildings from collapsing. Today, we have another hero in Canadian model Misa Campo, and her tits. Let this be a lesson to all the little girls out there. Don't define your self worth by looking at glamor magazines and movie starlettes. Take example from Estella's ass and Misa's tits. Those are the real heroes.

Canadia has pretty much given us four of the most awesome things in the world:

1. Rush
2. William Shatner
3. Bob and Doug McKenzie
4. Misa Campo and her tits

Jesus Land thanks you, Canada!

More of Misa here, here, and here.

And for the ladies of FN, how bout some, um, I dunno... Brad Pitt? (these are basically based on dudes I'd probably, maybe, go gay for and so far that list only has Christian Bale, Brad Pitt and Chad Pennington on it. Sorry, ladies)

Have a great weekend, nation

Also, D-Day tomorrow. So, you know, don't forget to raise a glass.

The Robot Chad Henne ...

... does not want that beautiful girl to marry FN commenter Tom-Ass and will, therefore, crash the wedding.

That's right. Tom-Ass is getting married this weekend. FN's deepest condolences congratulations go out to our star commenter! The Robot Chad Henne is a robot in love but, alas, Mrs. Tom-Ass's heart belongs to another. Sorry, The Robot Chad Henne. Such is life.

Mozel tov, buddy!



*her name is not actually Brandy. Tom-Ass is not marrying a hooker

The AFC East Champs Have an Awards Banquet

While you've been slaving all day, punching in numbers, watching the clock, searching for porn, and contemplating eating that Twinkie that fuckface Tim from accounting left in the break room, Omar Kelly and Ethan Skolnick have been hanging with Dan Marino, Don Shula and current Dolphins players while eating Joe's Stone Crabs. So suck on that, dickbags!

The Dolphins held their annual team awards media brunch today. Omar and Ethan have been live-twittering the entire event. Here are some of the highlights:

From Omar:

Pennington and Joey Porter were co-winners of the Dan Marino team MVP award....Ronnie Brown is the winner of the Ed Block Courage Award, which is for courage....Crab at Joe's Stone Crabs for breakfast. Now I remember some of the perks of being a sports writer....Chad Pennington says he sees the "IT" factor in Chad Henne, and he's trying to show him the way....

From Ethan:

How is it that Bill Parcells, the most important person in the organization, doesn't show up to this weekend? Must be at Saratoga..Every time I hear Chad Pennington speak at one of these things, I am amazed by how well he handles himself....Marino is upset that he has to wear the green jacket and Jimmy Cefalo doesn't. And proud that he still fits into it....Porter: "we proved the AFC East goes through Miami."

Joey Porter saying that the AFC East goes through Miami is pretty fucking ballstastic. As is Pennington's comment about Henne having the "It" factor. You also have to love how Parcells just flat out didn't show up. Fucking. Awesome.

Congrats to all the Dolphins awards winners. And thanks to Omar Kelly and Ethan Skolnick for making me want to both live vicariously through them and prying my co-worker Lisa's oversized Ziggy coffee mug that reads "I hate Mondays" out of her chubby little fingers and shoving it straight into my rectum.

Chad Pennington is Unfiltered, Still Adorable

Omar Kelly finally got a chance to interview Captain Balls himself, Chad Pennington, for his "Dolphins Unfiltered" series. Here's the video.

I hope you're watching the interview, because I can't keep my eyes of the hotness.