Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Weekender!!! Die Doldrums Edition!!!

Wheeeewwww....

/ wipes brow

At long fucking last The Doldrums, my friends, are OVER. 

This is about that time of year that shit around these parts kicks into high gear and The Dude and I could not be happier. Even though there really no longer is an 'offseason' in the NFL anymore, there is nothing like the crisp sound of helmets cracking into each other, oversized men grunting something ugly and football football glorious football.  I heard a fantasy preview last night while I laid in bed and I must have popped about 16 boners during the 50 minute podcast.   I mean, I was getting excited over John Carlson, for crissakes.  On Sunday at 2pm, we are finally free to endlessly fantasize about where our team will go.  We are free to wonder about which players will rise and which will fall (hopefully none).  Who will be this year's Davone Bess?  What will the Wildcat look like with Pat White?  How will Cameron Wake's 62,937 CFL sacks translate to the real shit?  Will Donald Thomas return quickly and permanently?  How will Henne perform with that eventual elevation to QB1 looming in the not too distant future?  What rookies/undrafted guys will shine?  How much gas does JT have in the tank?  How will our run D look in an offseason where the D-line seems to have not been upgraded?  Will Ted Ginn finally put all those bees in a fucking jar and make the Year 3 WR leap?  How cute will Pennington be?  On Sunday at 2pm, these and many, many more questions leading up to that beautiful, sparkling first Fall Sunday of professional football will begin to be answered.  See, I just got another 3 boners typing that out.

Also boner-inducing? Miami Dolphins cheerleader Lilly, seen here tempting us with her luscious breasts, sandy buttocks and a little bubble face that could only look more amazing if it was, say, looking up at you from a kneeling position.  Shit makes me wish I'd fag'd out in college and studied photography, sand dusting, or whatever shit gets you out to these photo shoots.

For the ladies, Don Draper himself Mr. Jon Hamm.  I've been re-watching Mad Men Season 2 all week.  Fuck it.  I'd suck him.

Word of advice:  If you're not on Twitter, I would highly advise you to get on that shit ASAP and follow the Sun Sentinel (Omar, Ethan) and Palm Beach Post (Edgar) crews in order to get the news as they see it happen.  Don't follow Arrrrmando cuz that guy clearly fucking sucks at his job and nobody - not even his fucking peers - likes him anyway.

With that, I leave you with...

HOLY SHIT!!!  IT'S TRAINING CAMP, PEOPLE!!! IT'S FINALLY FUCKING HERE!!!  FUCK YOU DOLDRUMS!!! 

GO DOLPHINS!!!  WWAAAAHAHOOOEEEYYY!!!

The Dolphins Have VD

The Dolphins have reached a deal with first-round pick and all-around badass, Vontae Davis.

Davis spoke with his Atlanta-based agent Todd France on Friday morning and was told to get ready for training camp.

"[France] called and said he was just going over the language," Davis said. "I think it's agreed."

Davis most likely will sign a five-year deal with a guarantee in excess of $7 million.

Good to have our first-rounder locked up before camp. Dude got a call from his lawyer and told he's a millionaire. Shit on a lobster that's a pretty fantastic way to start your day. I once got a call from a local radio station telling me I won one of them hats you can drink beer out of. I'm a winner!

/laughs maniacally
/cries self to sleep

And Then There Were Three

With training camp a mere days away, we've all been wondering what's going on with the three remaining rookies yet to sign a contract. "What's going on with the three remaining rookies yet to sign a contract?" we say. Well Armando Salguero tells us that the Fins should be able to hammer out deals with Vontae Davis, Pat White and Chris Clemons before camp starts on Sunday.

Whatever final language needs to be hashed out, whatever final i needs to be dotted or t needs to be crossed will likely be done in the next couple of days and perhaps as early as Friday. This, of course, barring a last-minute meltdown by some lawyer involved in reading the deals.

I'm not worried. When it comes to getting rookies to sign before camp, Bill Parcells is an artist. Much like me. Sure, I may not know how to rebuild NFL franchises into juggernauts, but I think my many drawings of penises as rocket ships make me just as much of an artist, if not more.

If this video doesn't enable your nipples to cut an industrial-grade diamond, then declare yourself legally dead

Funny how Chad looks and acts like a douche when he's in a Jets uniform. But then he's totally awesome when he's wearing Fins colors. It's magical. Clothes make the man, I guess. Like when I wear my top hat and monocle. I'm fancy!

Goblin Corollaries

I was just reading a bit from a live chat on Deadspin hosted by Grant Wahl, author of The Beckham Experiment, and he said something in response to a question that really struck a chord in me:

The Galaxy had problems even before Beckham arrived, but LA fans are right that their team lost its way in recent years with its priorities geared too much toward "entertainment" and sales and not enough toward winning soccer.

This should be a primer for any ownership looking to 'upgrade' their team by making them a goddamn circus:  it never fucking works in the end and you're better off hosting a 'Throw Warm Turd Fastballs Directly At The Face of Your Fans' Night than even bothering with ideas about 'entertainment' or making your team some sort of fucking spectacle.  Sports and fandom will ALWAYS be an arena that should be exclusively the domain of the people that pay the bills in the first place:  the fans.  If you're #1 concern with a motherfucking bullet isn't putting a good, sensible product on the field with a clear, focused vision towards achieving a championship, then you may very well be up shit's creek.  Ignore the glitz.  Fucker.

Randy Starks Free to Have Women Sit on His Lap While He Drives His Pickup Truck

Back in May, Randy Starks was arrested for driving his pickup in SoBe while some random chick sat on his lap. Also, the pickup was filled with a shitload of his friends. Also, he ran into a cop.

But today the PBP reports that the charges of aggravated assault have been dropped, and instead he'll just be tagged with a misdemeanor charge of culpable neglegance. This is good news for two reasons.

One, it means Starks and his 29 tackles and 3 sacks gets to go into camp free of worries.

And two, it means Starks is free to drive his party bus all over South Beach with women dangling from his neck and sitting on his lap while he runs over law enforcement officials at will. And if we're not free to do that, well then this isn't the America I know and love!

Good Riddance A--hole!

In my entire adult lifetime, no professional athlete has annoyed the shit out of me more than Brett Fucking Favre.

The whole "aw-shucks I play the game like a kid" bullshit wore out with me very early on. I never understood the weekly suck-a-thon the mainstream media (ESPN, Peter King, John Madden, etc) had for the guy every goddamn season. Never mind all the interceptions this anal fissure threw. And all the times he absolutely killed his teams in the playoffs with his asinine "gunslinger" approach that made the Woody Paige's of the world cream their underoos. Lost in his entire shitstain of a career was the fact that the guy was addicted to pain killers for a long long time, yet called an Iron-Man of the game. Any other athlete in any other sport would have been crucified by the World Wide Leader. But because it's St. Brett, he gets a pass. Fucking deer hunting shitbag. And there is, of course, his inability to call it quits. Which is the sole reason he was able to break any of Dan Marino's records.

The will he-won't-he bullshit he put us through every off-season, after every tearful retirement announcement, seemed to suck the very life out of football every year. The guy is the biggest narcissist I've ever seen in sports. And that's a list that includes Terrell Owens and Dennis Rodman.

So it's fitting that the last sad image of Brett's career came at the hands of our Miami Dolphins blowing his shit up, and ending his dream season with the Jets. Because, apparently, he made it official today by telling the Vikings he's staying retired. Until, of course, he has a press conference where he announces that he'll be having a press conferene where he might announce that he's coming back.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, fuck you with a snowplow, Brett Favre! Fuck you with a rusty cheese grater from Wisconsin. And fuck you with a deer carcass. All simultaneously, if possible.

Ok, Let's Talk About It (Updated)

In case you've been dead or stuck under a very heavy person, you know the news lately is all about Michael Vick and his return to the NFL. So, now begs the question, would you want Vick in a Miami Dolphins uniform?

Yes, he did a heinous thing. But Joey Porter's dogs once ate a live horse, so it kinda evens out, no? Also, he's still a great talent. Oh, not in the conventional hit-an-open-receiver-on-a-consistent-basis kind of way. But talented nonetheless.

I, for one, would rather just sit this one out. We did spend a second round pick on Pat White And, let's face it, anyone who takes Vick is taking him to inject him into their own version of the Wildcat (Haha, fuck you rest of the NFL).

But, that's the only reason I wouldn't sign Vick. Because of Pat White. But I wouldn't complain if we signed him either.

Some guy named Sam Farmer (sounds made up) breaks down the reasons we, and two of our rivals, might be in the running for Vick (my take on Sam's thoughts in italics):

Miami: Bill Parcells has never thought twice about ruffling feathers, so he's not going to be scared off by any friction. But the Dolphins just drafted a run-pass threat in West Virginia quarterback Pat White.

That's what I said!

New England: With three Lombardi Trophies, Bill Belichick pretty much has carte blanche. Vick could be a tremendous backup to Tom Brady allowing the Patriots to return a Wildcat whomping to the Miami Dolphins in a big way. The Krafts have had big success with controversial players before - think Corey Dillon and Randy Moss.

Go eat a dick, Sam Farmer! Return a Wildcat whomping in a big way??? First off, no one is better prepared to defend the Wildcat than we are, Douchey Doucherson. Secondly, anyone who uses the word "whomping" in any context needs to go get fucked with a live wire.

Buffalo: Like the Jaguars, the Bills have had to jump through hoops to sell tickets, and the Terrell Owens signing is the latest example of that. Owens came out this week staunchly in favor of Vick, even suggesting that Roger Goodell spend some time in prison to see how it feels.

I would actually love to see this happen. Vick and TO living in fucking Buffalo? What could possibly go wrong?

So, what say you Nation? And I would like your answers posed in the form of a question.

UPDATES:

#1. The Ginger Cockpuncher officially makes it clear that the Fins have no interest in Vick.

#2. The guy who said we should have gone after Favre last year now says he's disappointed we aren't going after Vick. So, Cote disagrees with us? Looks like we made the right call again, Nation.

Black Thunder's Total C-ckpunch of the Patriots To Be Forever Immortalized

Remember when Black Thunder unleashed his awesomeness all over the Patriots in Week 3 last season? When he ran for four touchdowns and threw one? When Bill Belichick was so dumbfounded by the Wildcat he looked like a guy who'd just been told his new cellmate was a steroid fueled rapist? When The World's Greatest Sports Fans started to file out of their own stadium and boo their own team in the third quarter? Fuck my cat in the face that was an awesome moment!!!

Well now it will be forever remembered until Jesus comes back because the Pro Football Hall of Fame has Ronnie Brown's game-worn jersey from that shellacking of the Doucheiots for all the world to see.

Brown stunned the New England Patriots defense on September 21, 2008 when he rushed for four touchdowns and threw a fifth as Miami defeated its division rival, 38-13. The Dolphins win also ended the Patriots' record 21-game regular season winning streak.

Ahhh Fuck Yea!! That was the day it all changed, Nation. The day the Fins announced that they were no longer a team to be taken lightly. The day the Wildcat was born, much to the chagrin of every fucking whiney-ass shitbag who's complained about it since (seriously, you wish your team thought of this shit first! Fuck you all with a curling iron!) The day everything changed back to the way it should be. The day we all realized we're in good hands with the badass conglomerate known as The Trifecta.

And now the rest of the world can go and gaze upon Ronnie's jersey, which will be on display, and reflect on how we all collectively despise everything that has to do with the Patriots and their shit-eating douchebaggy fucktard fans. You're welcome, world!

(link via ThePhinsider)

FN Would Like to Cordially Invite Vegas Odds Makers to Suck a Bag of D-cks

Ethan Skolnick writes that every odds maker from Vegas to the urine smelling one-eyed dude who takes bets in the basement down the street, are giving the Dolphins 7 over/under for wins this season.

That's the Dolphins' over-under for wins at virtually every sports book, on the strip or on the Web. That's four fewer than they won last season. That's a lower "futures" total than all but seven teams. That's only two more than the "total" for the Detroit Lions, who haven't won since before Christmas ... of 2007. That's something else, in the hand of someone like Tony Sparano: It's a disrespect card. It's inspiration.

Yea, I'd say coming off an 11-win, AFC East championship season and then hearing this shit from the odds makers is an excellent way to get our boys fired up. Of course, these are the same jackasses who said the Patriots and Cowboys would play each other in the Super Bowl last year. So who the hell knows. All we know is that giving the Fins 7 over/under for wins is just what Sparano needs to stoke the flames.

Because it is about respect. That's why I'm known around town as That Guy Who Flails Like An Injured Bird During Sex. See? Respect is earned. Call me ladies!