Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Weekender

We end the week with some fallout from the whole Marc Anthony as minority owner thing. And by that I mean me getting really angry when people say his wife has a hot ass. Hey, to each his own I guess. But really. Set your standards a little higher, is all I'm saying.

J-Lo's ass is disproportionately huge compared to the rest of her body. I've seen her in person. And believe me, it's even more undeserving of praise when seen in the flesh. When she walks it jiggles and wobbles like a bag of jello, and I swear you can hear sloshing when she walks by. Plus she has a face like a frying pan, so there's that.

Instead, I give you an ass like, oh I don't know, Vida Guerra up there. Her ass is a wonder to behold. Vida Guerra's ass would totally beat the ever living fuck out of J-Lo's ass in a street fight. It wouldn't even be a contest. It would be like Brock Lesner fighting Don Knotts.

Anyway, here's more Vida for you: Here, here and here.

And as a bonus for FN's glorious return: Topless Megan! (NSFW).

And for the Ladies of FN: Gerard Butler (of course!) And here.

Have a great weekend, Nation. It's good to be back.

The Doldrums Are About To Get F--ked In The Face!

As we mentioned earlier this week, training camp is just two weeks away. Not to mention our first pre-season game being just around the bend as well.

The Dolphins have released their training camp schedule. And here it is, much to the hardening of my nipples and crotchular area:

Two workouts, the first at 9 a.m. and the second at 5 p.m., are scheduled for five days: Aug. 6, 10, 14, 19 and 20. Single workouts are scheduled for 9 a.m. on Aug. 4 and 12, and 2 p.m. on Aug. 5, 7, 8, 11 and 13. A 10:15 a.m. workout is set for Aug. 15. Also during that time period, players will be off on Aug. 9 and 18, and face Jacksonville in the exhibition opener on Monday, Aug. 17.

Fuck and yea?

Yes.

Fuck and yea.

Rich People Ruin Everything

The NFL Draft, as we know it, will no longer be the same. Anytime rich people get their hands on something, it's invariably to make them richer, so fuck you if you liked it the way it was.

The NFL announced yesterday that the draft will move from a two day format of Saturday and Sunday, to a three day format in primetime. Starting on a Thursday night.

The NFL said Thursday that the first round will begin at 7:30 p.m. EDT on April 22. The second and third rounds will start at 6:30 p.m. on Friday, with the last four rounds beginning Saturday morning.

"Moving the first round to prime time on Thursday night will make the first round of the draft available to fans on what is typically the most-watched night of television," commissioner Roger Goodell said in a release.

This is just the beginning. Expect this thing to morph into an all-out glitz and glamor star-studded event in the next few years with U2 performing a medley with Pink or some shit. Same thing happened to the Super Bowl. It went from being a football game, to an event about how awesome the commercials are, a 4-hour mediocre halftime show, and millions of morons who know nothing about the game paying shitloads of money just to be seen there.

In my day we didn't need no halftime shows! We just went into the restroom and ate the urinal cakes to entertain ourselves before the second half! And we liked it! We LOVED it! Flippity-floo!!

Dolphins Sign Big Bad*ss Sean Smith

Ethan Skolnick reported that the Dolphins and 6'3" future-Randy-Moss-Killer, Sean Smith, have agreed to a 4-year deal. Nothing yet out of any of the other news outlets so good job by Ethan scavenging the Twitter world for this nice piece of info.  Still unsigned:  Vontae Davis and Pat White.  Good to see we're close to getting all the boys signed up and ready for camp.

Contract details to come....

UPDATE:  If I go by PFT's numbers and look at the contract for Martellus Bennett (last year's #61 pick), we're looking at 4 years for $2.7mil and a $968,000 signing bonus.*  Boo-ya!

 

* Don't quote me on that

Some Reading Material to Pass Away the Doldrums

If you're not reading Omar Kelly's Progression-Regression blog series this week, then you need someone to hold you down and shit in your mouth. It's just that simple.

No Horses Were Harmed While Filming This Video

Peezy's here to give us some respite from all the Stephen Ross Turning Our Beloved Franchise Into A Goddamn Fucking Joke nonsense.

Here's an NFL Network video of Joey Porter giving us an all access tour of the Dolphins training facility. It's not much but it does feature Channing Crowder sitting and dancing in a tub of ice, which is something. It also features a total Fuck Yea! moment with Chad Pennington studying game film. Game film. On a Tuesday. During the offseason. Suck on that, Bill Belichick!

Anyway, here's the video.

And Now, I Will Attempt to Find Stephen Ross and Skullf--k Him Until He Is Good And Dead

Just fucking kill me now.

Huizenga's Son and Captain Jean-Luc Picard* Arrested For BUI

(*not really)

Former Dolphins owner Wayne Huizena's son, Robert Ray Huizenga, was arrested this morning for BUI (boating under the influence. who knew that was a real thing?) Robert Ray -- who looks like and has the name of a would-be presidential assassin -- was already on probation for basically breaking an old man back in 2003.

Robert Ray Huizenga is on probation for a 2003 drunken-driving incident that left a 71-year-old man with a concussion, a gashed head and a broken elbow.

A call to Fort Lauderdale police at about 11:15 p.m. Monday about a suspected burglary in the 300 block of Lido Drive south of Las Olas Boulevard, triggered Huizenga's arrest.

The caller told police two men were jiggling and trying to open the rear door at her residence, according to a press release issued by the Fort Lauderdale Police Department.

When police arrived, Patrick Stewart, 44, was on the property and Huizenga, 47, was operating a 2005 Jupiter Marine vessel, the report said.

When officers asked Huizenga to throw them a rope so they could tie the boat to the dock, it took several attempts for Huizenga to successfully throw the rope, according to the report.

So to recap: Wayne's kid got shitfaced with Jean-Luc Picard, went boating and then tried to break into some random person's house. Christ. I can guaran-fuckin-tee you if my Dad was a billionaire, I would handle my shit much differently. I'm not saying I wouldn't get arrested for BUI. That goes without saying when you're a billionaire's kid. But my arrest reports would look a hell of a lot different, I can tell you that. There would still be a boat involved, of course. But it would also probably have high-priced hookers and mountains of coke involved as well. Also, I'd be rolling with William Shatner, at the very least. I'm just sayin.

David J. Neal Is My Hero

As we all know, the Dolphins are set to make a HOLY!!! NUTBAGS!!! MY!!! HEAD'S!!! BOUT!!! TO!!! SPLODE!!! MAJOR!!!! ANNOUNCEMENT!!! later today. That announcement: Marc Anthony will join Stephen Ross' Circus of the Shitty Has-Beens as a minority owner. For some reason, the announcement is being made in New York and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will be in attendance. Fuck everything in that last sentence.

Howevah!, the Herald's David J. Neal is keeping it real this morning:

And spare us any talk about the ``enhancing fans' in-game experience'' with spectacular pregame or halftime shows. Outside of the Super Bowl, we don't care and we usually don't care then, either. Halftime is when we do a reset: hit the restroom, reload on beer, nachos and hot dogs, concentrate on updates from other games coming through on our iPhones and BlackBerrys.

Damn straight. If The Gargoyle wants to share his team with other rich people, that's fine. But don't pretend like this is some kind of important event in the history of mankind. Don't call it a "Major Announcement." The only time those words should be associated with the Miami Dolphins is with the following: "Scientists at NORAD have cloned and created a 25 year old Dan Marino. He is expected to sign a 4-year contract with the Dolphins this afternoon."

Nobody gives a shit, Ross. You're turning our franchise into a fucking Cabaret with people who haven't been relevent in decades. For fucksake, man. Stop it! Now go get yer fuckin' shinebox!

Dolphins in Preliminary Talks with My Lover???

I tend to lend as much credence in Barry Jackson's 'Florida Sports Buzz' as I do in my mother when she tells me I'm the most handsome boy in the world (note:  still unconfirmed) but I've decided I'm just gonna hold off on any celebrations until I start to see something real and tangible happening on the Ronnie Brown contract extension front.  In his latest FSB, there's a small bullet in there that seemed a bit more far-fetched than the usual Jackson jive:

• The Dolphins indicated they want to make a multiyear commitment to potential 2010 free agent Ronnie Brown and have had preliminary conversations about a contract extension, agent Todd France said. The sides will speak further during training camp.

Whachu talkin' bout, Willis?  So a franchise that effectively sought trade opportunities prior to and during the draft (which I sorta agreed with contingent upon compensation) for one of its better players - a year removed from a pretty severe ACL injury - is going to suddenly do an about face and not wait for this year to play out before they sign a slightly underperforming back to a multiyear extension???  I get the logic here but it doesn't seem to be consistent with TITS modus operandi.  Look, I Iove Ronnie to death.  WE love Ronnie to death.  He's got a beaming smile and even Skolnick told me the dude is super dupes cute (especially when paired with man-crush, Channing Crowder).  I love his power, I love his experience in the Wildcat, I love him catching passes out of the backfield and I love the 4-5 yards per carry the dude gets every time he runs with the rock.  There's not too much I don't like about Ronnie because I don't know what kind of back everyone expected him to be when he came out in a clearly sub-par year (see:  Williams, Cadillac; Benson, Cedric), but my hunch is they're going to wait until at least mid-season or so to throw some extension out there (ala Camarillo, who then promptly got fucked in the NE game). 

Anything earlier would be kinda stupid and entirely uncharacteristic, IMO.