You guys might remember me as the declared 2009 OTA Super Bowl Champion. Wow! What an honor!!! I haven't even won a fucking game yet for my shitass team and already I'm flappin' my yapper!!! I also criticized my former employer by stating some rookie had no right to wear the goddamn fuckin' jersey of some has-been! I mean, the mouth on this guy!!! (points thumbs at himself). I actually blasted an organization for giving credit to a guy 'who hasn't proven shit' - kinda like me!!! Wow, I'm a cock nozzle!! If that wasn't enough, I ragged on a 3-time Super Bowl winning coach in my own division. HAHAHAHA!!! MAN, AM I STUPID!!! I ain't kissin' NOBODY'S rings. I mean, him and I are exactly the same...well...except for the fact that he's won a bunch of games, division titles, playoff games and goddamn Super Bowls but what the heck does that mean?!?!?! I'm Rex Fuckin' Ryan. My face looks like a pelican's fat fuckin' gullet after he's swallowed up a couple of grunts!!
But you know what? I'm not done yet. I'm sendin' out a MESSAGE about this team, man. My daddy wasn't a world class asshole for no good reason. His semen was about 99% asshole-juice concentrate! So for my daddy I'm sending out a MESSAGE to a few other people:
- To Mother Teresa: You don't know how to FUCK. Furthermore, I am a PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL COACH and, therefore, I'm more of a humanitarian than you'll EVER be!!
- To Nelson Mandela: So you helped end Apartheid....BIG. FUCKIN'. WHOOP. I stopped the Wildcat a few times. Try doing that, asshole!
- To Benazir Bhutto: You obviously weren't that great because they blew you up. You fucked up. You're dead. I'm alive and a fat fuckin' waste of precious Earthly oxygen every time I huff my big fat fartbelly. I win!
- To Ghandi: You probably smelled bad and you endorsed peace among men. Pussy! I'm a defensive genius and my daddy's Buddy Fuckin' Ryan. He created the 46 defense, you pansy!!!
- To The Oslo Accords: That wasn't an achievement by any means. What a waste of goddamn time. Blow those two idiots up and let's take their land to fill it up with doughnut trees!!!
To any other "important figures", "landmark achievements" or "evolved human beings", I just wanna say one thing: (narrows eyes) Fuck you. I'm a big, dumb, fat, smelly, skanky, farty, fat, dumb, idiotic, nonsensical, self-aggrandizing moron that hasn't even won a goddamn real football game yet.
I WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED BY YOU AND YOUR GLARING, MORE NOBLE ACHIEVEMENTS!!!