Let's do this....
--Chad Pennington to start. The Robot will take the 2nd and 3rd quarter. 4th quarter will be Ballsedelic!!!
-- FIRST QUARTER: Dolphins start on defense
-- Defense holds with great pressure up front. The Jags were called for holding. Now they punt. Fuck yea.
-- Captain Balls! handling his shit in the huddle.
-- Three and out! Fuck my cock!
-- Commercial Break: Those two guys in the Heineken Light commercial where those dudes spill beer on their seats and they're all "It's all good man, don't sweat it" are a couple of Kansas City faggots.
Back to the game....
-- J PEEZY with the coverage sack! He cannot be blocked! You think you can block him, Jacksonville Jaguars offensive line? The man was shot in the ass, for cryin out loud! In the ass, do you understand?
-- Well so far, the first-team defense has come to play. They're skull fucking Gerard with pick axes and fist dildos. It's true.
-- There you go. Give Captain Balls time, he'll make it happen.
-- Ronnie and Ricky are not getting any open holes. That's right, I said open holes. Get a hold of yourself.
-- And that's a Miami Dolphins.... FIRST! DOWN! hoo-ahhh!!
-- Ted Ginn with a gorgeous 15 yard catch!! Fuck you, bees!
-- Ricky with an 11 yard run. Bess with a nice block. My crotch is wet. 1st and 10 at the Jax 18. Captain Balls calls a time out. Because he fuckin can.
-- Call a time out. Come out and get called for holding, then fumble the snap. Awesome.
-- 2nd and 24. Ugh.
-- The fans are booing that running play call on a 2nd & 24. Fuck you, fans. It's pre-season. That said... Fuck my shit! Come on offensive line!
-- Dan Carpenter with the field goal. Duuuuuude.
3-0 Fins.
-- Bob Griese just fell asleep.
-- JASON. FUCKING. TAYLOR. Boo-yahhh!
-- Chris Williams with an awesome punt return. Unfortunately, he ran sideways. Fins with the ball on their own 1.
-- There's your shot downfield. Ted Ginn draws a pass interference. 34 yard gain.
-- Oh shit! A Ted Ginn end around for 15 yards! Fuck you, pre-season vanilla plays!
-- **You can watch a live stream of the game here.**
-- SECOND QUARTER: The Robot takes over mid-drive. Sparano isn't fucking around with the game plan, is he.
-- Drive stalls. Good punt by Fields but the Fins get flagged for fair catch interference. Vontae Davis is gonna get an ass full o' uge fuckin' calves.
-- It's 3-3. It's pre-season. And it STILL beats the ever living shit out of any other sport.
-- The Chris Williams Experiment continues on kickoff returns.
-- Chris Williams almost broke it all the way back with the kickoff return. Way to make up for it, kid. The man is playing to save his balls. And to win a job. But mostly to save his balls.
-- Kim Bokamper just talked for 60 seconds and literally said nothing.
-- I'd like to remind Bob, Nat and Bolderjack that there's a game going on right now. Old people are easily distracted.
-- The Robot with a laser to Hartline. 19 yards. That's another Miami Dolphins FIRST! DOWN! ohh-aahh...
-- Dan Henning looks like he should be wearing a mad scientist lab coat. So appropriate.
-- Ricky Williams puts his head down and fights for the first down. 1st and GOAL.
-- 3rd and goal: The Robot calls an audible but it draws a false start by Grove.
-- Ricky drops a sure-fire TD. Fuck my face!
-- 6-3 after field goal. Connor Barth just kicked it, sold some weed to DRK.
-- They're playing the T-Pain song. I want to punch a random person in the dick.
-- Cameron Wake with the heat! Oh Canada! Drive stalls. He runs off the field and yells, "Woooo!!" Woooo indeed, Cameron. Woooo indeed.
-- 3 seconds left. I say let The Robot fling it. FLING IT!
-- 6-6 at the half.
THIRD QUARTER
-- I just took the world's longest piss.
-- Illegal block negates Chris Williams' awesome punt return. Shit on a lobster.
-- Man I love The Robot's arm. Almost as much as tits.
-- The Leprechaun is in the game! Foick ya giblets!!
-- Just when I say I love Henne's arm, he throws an INT. Fuck my ass.
-- Vontae Davis is having a shitty game. Just got tagged for interference, which was a problem in college for him.
-- Bob Griese just told us Davis is the Dolphins' first overall pick this year for the 3,485th time tonight.
-- Jacksonville scores a TD on a screen pass.... but it's negated on a holding call. Jack Del Rio is going to fist fuck his offensive line coach before the night is through. Write it down.
-- It was pouring sheets of rain a minute ago. Now it's al clear. Yep, this is my town!
-- 9-6 Jacksonville. Or 6-9 if you're feelin frisky.
-- Commercial Break: I wanna nail that mom from the AT&T rollover minutes commercials. There's fire under that dress!
-- Another great return by Chris Williams. I'm now 100% positive Sparano threatened to shove a hedge trimmer in his ass after his first two cracks at returns.
-- The Robot to Ernest Wilford 34 yard TOUCH DOWN! That's right. I said touch down. That's right, I said Ernest Wilford.
-- Extra point is missed. Fuck you, Marlins infield!
-- 12-9 Miami
-- Chris Williams' runback set that TD drive up.
-- Bob Griese is a Hall of Famer, and an all-time Dolphin great. But holy duck vaginas is it ever painful to listen to him talk.
-- Sean Smith with the INT in the endzone. SEAN SMITH IS A LARGE SACK OF BALLS.
-- Pat White in the game. Bob Griese has a hard time saying "wild cat."
-- Pat White picks up 8 with his legs.
-- Bob Griese on Pat White: "The fans are gonna get a kick outta Pat White when he finds nobody open and he runs for it. He's fast." I assume that was for old people. Because they're afraid of the internets.
-- Jacksonville INT off a missed catch by Anthony Kimbell, who will be taking your order at Red Lobster next week.
-- Nachos!
-- Interception by JD Folsom. What wuuuuuut....
-- I like the way Lex Hilliard runs. But our run blocking needs to get better.
-- 4th and 1... GO FOR IT!!!
-- Commercial Break: Know what tastes exactly like someone just ate a bowl of shit and then shit in your mouth? KFC roasted chicken.
-- ...And we're back. The burrito that lady just ordered from the concession stands cost $8,000. True story.
-- The Fins went for it. Here's the measurement.... and.... AND... they're a yard short. Pussy farts.
-- Jason Allen is still alive? Holy fuck!
-- Jacksonville 3rd & 5 at the Fins 6.... and Jason Allen breaks up the pass? Holy fuck!
-- Jacksonville goes for it and Cortney Bryan knocks it away. Big Poppa Pump is fired up.
-- TWO MINUTE WARNING
-- Someone just tell Bob to call it a night. Really. It's okay.
-- Pat White runs for the first down.... and that about wraps it up for tonight.
-- Kneel down....
FINAL SCORE: FINS 12 - JAX 9
Thanks for stopping by, Nation! We had a huge night hits-wise. So Armando can suck it. Solid first game all around for the Fins. I'll have a breakdown of it tomorrow. For now, a night cap.
Tits.
Thanks for stopping by, Nation! We had a huge night hits-wise. So Armando can suck it. Solid first game all around for the Fins. I'll have a breakdown of it tomorrow. For now, a night cap.
Tits.
