Awwww yea, muthafucka.
Tonight we are primetime for the whole world to see and what the world is gonna see is a rag-tag team of crazy fuckers that are NOT to be trifled with. It's that Fin-tastic taste of what's to come tonight as our boys take on those Tampa GAY faggots with our starters playing well into the 3rd Quarter. After that, The Robot's gonna come in and vaporize the entire field. He'll take out about 2/3rds of their players and coaches, set that stupid stadium pirate ship on fire and then shed a tear as he is a robot from the 50s and all (hint: they are imperfect and have feelings). Without further adieu, let's get to The Keys. You know them. I know them.
- As Omar mentioned so smooooothly, which version of this $70 million guaranteed O-line are we gonna see tonight? Are we going to see the line that pushed around a solid Carolina defense or are we going to see the sloppy play that characterized the Jacksonville game? Will there be holes for Ronnie and Ricky to get those juicy 5 yards a clip? Will Weapon Lex unleash his mustachioed, girthy cock onto unsuspecting Bucs linebackers??
- The WR battle absolutely needs to be kicked up a notch tonight. Expect to see a lot of Ted Ginn. I have a feeling they're going to hit Teddy early and often tonight and I heard the forecast calls for a swarm of killer bees in the area. Put that bee suit on, Teddy! Can we avoid some of the dropsies that plagued us in the Carolina game?? Seems like once Henne/White are in there and it's officially garbage time, the receivers lose a bit of their intensity and begin dropping routine passes. We cannot stand for this aggression...man. Patrick Turner: I swear to God. You LOOK like a goddamn NFL-caliber #1 receiver. Do not make me call you out again because it won't be pretty. I don't want to see you drop even one fucking pass out there and, for God fucking sakes, extend that huge ass body of yours and catch passes thrown to the sideline. You big fucker.
- Will we see the continued dominance from the 1st team D? Outside of that DeAngelo Williams fluke run last week, the D has been pretty spectacular. Pasqualoni has pretended that the rule about not blitzing in the preseason is a passing turtle to shit on. There's been enough looks and pre-snap movement to make my nipples hard. I like Tony McDaniel's ability to penetrate, Cameron Wake has shown some flashes and the front 7 has looked downright nasty overall.
- However, we need to clean things up on the back end. I'm increasingly worried about Gibril Wilson with each game. Does he know this defense well enough? Is he making the right coverage calls? Is he communicating effectively?? Even Yeremiah Bell has looked a bit sluggish.
- Speaking of DBs, this is a key game for Vontae to show us something once he's in there and prove that last week was no fluke. I'm also hoping Sean Smith can pick up where he left off before he had the flu (*cough* Armandoisasensationalizingprick *cough*). Plus, the battle between Joey Thomas and Nate Jones for that key nickle spot continues. Jason Allen: The team would like a healthy mix of extra cheese, pepperoni, mushrooms and a little pineapple for the postgame pizza party. Thanks, bro.
- Mr Cute with Big Balls has seen limited action but he's been his usual, steady, cute, adorable, effective, consistent self. Will be nice to see some extended time out there and see if he can hit those receivers for some good yardage chunks.
- Special Teams: I think the competition between Carpenter and Barth is basically over. Barth is horrible at kickoffs and, at the very least, Carpenter is a proven commodity in the kicking game and has shown a better leg on kickoffs. However, we still need to find a decent kickoff returner and I hope they try a little Weapon Lex on the kickoffs and keep Bess on punts for now. Fact is, that's a glamour position and we're not gonna find anyone fast enough to do that until the cuts start happening or maybe in the later rounds of next year's draft. That is not necessarily this year's battle. This year's battle, however, is to do a much better job on the kicking/coverage side of special teams. Carpenter can help that by booting deeper into the endzone and our coverage units absolutely need to get better. We need to find the right personnel to put in there. I suggest Weapon Lex on both sides of that ball.
That's it for me. I'm off to get drunk and enjoy the game. I suggest you guys and sexy gals follow suit.
Score: Dolphins 20 - Bucs 12
Why did I pick that score? It looks really fuckin' nice and we're going undefeated this preseason.