Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

The Legend of Lex Hilliard

 

As you can no doubt tell from my amazing Pulitzer prize winning Photoshop work up there, Lex Hilliard has earned himself an FN nickname.

I've always liked Lex Hilliard. Mainly because Lex is a cool-ass name. But, as it turns out, Lex Hilliard is also one bad mamma-jamma. And he's quickly become a fan favorite. The guy runs ballsout on every play. He runs at dudes, instead of away from them. He also has a penchant for hurdling at any given moment for no apparent reason whatsoever. Like it's a spasm or something. I love that shit!

But Hilliard seems to have put the Trifecta in something of a bind. Will they break with convention and keep 4 backs on the roster? Would they be willing to put him in as a special teams guy (Christ knows we need as many play-makers on special teams as we can stuff into our roster)? Or will they tell our sentimentality to go blow a penguin and give him his walking papers? Sure, he's only played against second and third team defenses. Sure, he's pretty much almost exactly everything Patrick Cobbs is. But the dude is explosive and quick. And he makes plays. And his name is Lex for fucksake! Lex!

Edgar Thompson says Lex is a nice story, but will likely not make the final cut. Ethan Skolnick puts Hilliard on the bubble and asks if Ricky should be the one to go instead. Meanwhile, in this rambling mess, the Mad Dog Jim Mandich predicts that Hilliard is a lock to make the team.

The third pre-season game is generally thought to be the final chance for players on the bubble to make their case to the coaches. Tomorrow night's game against the Bucs could determine if Weapon Lex stays or goes.

Tony Sparano Loves The Leprechaun

Even though Tony Sparano is a hardass with calves and a glare that can kill a horse, Omar Kelly tells us he has a soft spot for a specific player on the team: The Leprechaun himself -- Patrick Cobbs.

He won't openly admit Cobbs is his favorite player, but Sparano's consistent praise, and the fact Cobbs has more than a handful of plays designed specifically for him, speaks volumes to everyone associated with the team.

"We joke that every time Pat makes a mistake, Tony is in tears," said fellow tailback Ricky Williams. "That's his type of guy. A guy who works hard and consistently produces."

The Leprechaun Cobbs started off as a sort of punchline to the fact that we had shitty running backs to fall on after Ronnie and Ricky went down to injuries a couple of seasons ago. Samkon Gado, as it turned out, was rather shitty. Cobbs? He was rather awesome.

Patrick Cobbs is the perfect scrappy, lunch pail blue collar player guys like Sparano and Parcells love. He's hard working, brings it every single play and has tremendous versatility. He'll play the H-back, he'll catch passes out of the backfield, he'll break open screens with his quickness, he'll punch you in the dick for no apparent reason. He can also fight twenty men armed with swords and flails while downing a pint of Guinness with one hand and pleasuring a harem of Asian hookers with the other.

Ain't that right, Pat?
 

Foick yeh, ya foickin' fannyball knobrot!

Right on!

Why You No Post, FinsNation?

Two words for you:

Too fuckin busy.

Tuesday Headlines:

-- Tony Sparano says he can't worry about Matt Roth, who continues to miss time due to his blowed up groin.

-- Gibril Wilson missed the morning practice session, but was back again for the afternoon.

-- Former Dolphins defensive lineman TJ Turner passed away. Damn.

-- Current Dolphins cheerleader Lilly Robbins has amazing tits. Yay!


Be back tomorrow full tilt. That's a promise.

Star Wars Character Among Many Dolphins Who Are No Longer Dolphins Today

Sorry for the lack of posts today, Nation. Here's a pic of Fins cheerleader Lilly Robbins to make up for it. As it turns out, God could not have chosen a better day to piss on my life. Also, DRK is crazy busy. And by "crazy busy," I mean he's planning yet another vacation. Fuck him.

Anyway... here's the latest Fins News:

-- Ikechuku Ndukwe and Andy Alleman have been traded to the Chiefs for undisclosed draft picks. I imagine the phone call between Bill Parcells and his son-in-law, Chiefs GM Scott Pioli, went a little something like this:

Parcells: Scott, Bill here.
Pioli: Oh, uh hello, sir.
Parcells: I got two backup offensive linemen here. I don't want them anymore. Give me your draft picks for them.
Pioli: Uh, no thanks sir.
Parcells: Are you or are you not fucking my little girl?
Pioli: Would you like three draft picks, or four?

 Anyway, I liked Ndukwe. Mainly because he has a Star Wars character name. But that's really about it.

-- The Ernest Wilford Experiment is over. Also, The Ernest Wilford Experiment is a good name for a prog-rock band, I think.

-- Chris Williams was cut. Just as I said he had a good chance to make the team. God I'm a fucking moron. And who the hell breaks their hand when trying to catch a football with their face??? I mean, really. What the fuck, Chris?!

-- Much to the disapointment of alarmists everywhere (I'm looking right at you, Armando), Sean Smith and Jason Allen do not have swine flu. Although Allen still suffers from a chronic bout of The Suck.

-- Here's the list of all the players waived, cut, terminated or otherwise cockpunched today.

That's it for now.

Shit on a turtle.

Panthers at Dolphins Game Thread

What up, Nation. Yes, sources are reporting that at least two Fins players have swine-flu.

Is it safe to attend the game? Have you been among the throngs of fans that after each open practice interact with the Dolphins while they sign autographs, shake hands and generally show appreciation for the fan support?

Is it possible the time has come for ending those sessions given the possibility the players not only might have spread the flu to those fans, but also might have contracted the flu from one of those fans?

So we should all just bite down on cyanide capsules right now, because we're fucked!!!! Jesus fuck, are you a shit-kicking moron, Armando. Seriously.

Anyway.... No live-blogging tonight. But you can watch the game stream right here. Or here.

Consider this your official game thread.

Go Dolphins!!!

(Please no injuries!!!)

Weekender: Here, My Dear Edition

Well, we finally exited The Doldrums this week with an as-expected sloppily played preseason win against the Jags.  We'll take it.  The Dude's preview of tomorrow's game is just below this entry where you'll be sure to find juicy nuggets of insight.  Lo and behold, there's already more Dolphins football to watch tomorrow night and I'm sure The Dude will put up some open thread for y'all to comment on during and after the game.  I sincerely doubt he'll be liveblogging this one because he'll be too busy partying with Roth and snorting coke off of each country representative's ass from the 2009 Miss Teen Universe pageant.  They all get pretty antsy and want Daddy to sniff a little 'happy dust' off their perfectly shaped asses.  I mean, there are A LOT of countries out there people.  You DO NOT want to piss off Ms Myanmar and deny her her sugar.  I'll probably get on here at about 4am once I've drunkenly watched the NFL Network re-broadcast and have absolutely zero to say considering I probably won't remember one play to the next.  Blackouts aren't just for local TV sports broadcasts, people....

This week - since you've been good - we're giving you a little best of both worlds.  The Dude has been all about Mila Kunis and I've done my best here to make his penis pay a bit more attention to this Weekender than most.  It says on her Wikipedia page that Kunis is Ukrainian (word to the wise: fornicate with Eastern Europeans pre-30 because they do not look so good as they age), has dated Macauly Culkin since 2002 (news to me cuz I always thought that dude was a total queer-o) and gave fat, hairy, smelly geeks everywhere a major chub by declaring that she is a big fan of World of Warcraft.  Can you imagine how many dorkazoids fact-checked that shit while sitting around drinking copious amounts of Mountain Dew and watching 'That 70s Show' reruns??  As opposed to the Dude, I've had a SERIOUS infatuation with Brooklyn Decker and you can see why.  I invite you to go to the SI.com page and just watch her talk about whatever that iPhone app is blah blah blah and just marvel at how awesome her tits look in that little white shirt.  Jesus.  Brooklyn is also married to Andy Roddick, a guy which some people really don't like but I kinda root for.  My only problem with Roddick is that he's not dying of some terminal disease in a hospital and weakly insisting to his wife that she spend the rest of her life with me as he breathes his dying breath. 

One final note:  Our very own Star Commenter Extraordinaire, Mr. Tom Ass, has written a season preview of the Dolphins for a Browns blog.  I cannot tell you how The Dude and I beam with parental pride when one of our little children goes off into the big, scary world to do some truly epic shit.  We hold each other deep into the night, gaze into each other's eyes by the fireplace and just repeat these words over and over again until the Sun comes up:  "I KNOW, man."  Do yourselves a favor and go check out Tom's great work here.

And now, the bonus round:

Today's big winner?  Your penis.

Enjoy the weekend and the game, everyone.  GO DOLPHINS!!!

Keys To the (Preseason) Game - Panthers @ Dolphins

Panthers at Dolphins tomorrow night. Lots of questions going into this game, and by that I mean five. So let's get to it....

1. Hey! How Bout Some Holes For Ronnie?: Seriously now. This FO spent a lot of time and money rebuilding this offensive line so that we could be a power running team and so far they've played like shit. Yes I know we've played one game. But I'm a knee jerk reactionary! Ah dammit I spilled crumbs from my sandwich onto my shirt! NOOooooo!!! My life is ruined!! Ruined!!! (jumps through plate glass window)

2. Williams vs. London: Last week Chris Williams put on a nice show returning punts and kicks. The kid is stupid fast. Brandon London, meanwhile, is a big physical receiver. Williams and London. Two great tastes that taste great together? Not really. Because one of these dudes will likely be cut when the time to shave the roster comes. In my estimation: Williams has the edge. And this is coming from a guy who thought Vernon Gholston was going to be the next Lawrence Taylor. So you should totally trust my evaluation! (Hey I also thought Sean Smith would be the balls and he is, so ha-fucking-ha! /smugness)

3. Can Vontae Bounce Back?: It wasn't the best debut for Vontae Davis last week. Three dumb penalties, man-handled by a receiver, and he even punted a kitten into Biscayne Bay. Sean Smith (balls!) had a great debut and has been rewarded a starting job. Vontae will get there. But so far, he's proven to be every bit Vernon's little brother -- all skills, no brains. Which, coincidentally, is exactly how I describe my penis.

4. Moses Time?: With JT possibly missing this game as he attends to a personal matter, and Peezy's toe being achey, this game will be a good chance for Quentin Moses to show the FO he belongs. Dude had an alright game last week, but more is expected of him. Depth at LB is always important, so somebody's gotta step up.  

5. Holy Fuck! A Kicker Controversy!?: Looks like Dan Carpenter's job is officially on "Oh Shit!" alert. Connor Barth was brought in to give Carpenter a little competition, and has done rather well. All indications are that the kickers are even, but some reports have Barth's kicks having a little more pop in them. Saturday's game could determine what happens. As we saw with the cockpunching of Eric Green a few days ago, all you need is one bad pre-season game, and you're fucked.

Prediction: Dolphins 16 - Panthers 10*

*Yes I totally pulled that prediction out of my ass. Go with it.

Ronnie Brown Is Not Funny

Ronnie Brown was noticeably limping at practice yesterday. He told reporters that his toe was bothering him a little. And also that his right knee was bothering him:

"My toes kept hitting the front of my cleats because I've got on turf shoes,'' Brown said. ``Besides, it was my right knee.'' Then, he flashed a grin, ``Had you worried, didn't I?''

I'm thinking Ronnie's aim here was to not be funny. And since that was clearly the case, he should have gyrated his body and enunciated every sylllable and yelled the punchline like Dane Cook. Or he could have gone the Carlos Mencia route and said something "controversial" like, "Mexicans are beaners. Get it? Wacka-wacka!" Or he could have just come to my home and punched me in the nards. Either way.

Ok. What in the Name of Jesus, Mary and Joseph is Going on With Matt Roth Already?

Ok.  I mean, seriously.  What the fuck is going on with this guy?  Oddly, Jeff Darlington just posted an article about this on the Herald (damn you, Darlington!!!).  Let's take a look at a little chronology here:

• Roth finishes the 2008 season with these numbers: 

Season	Team			Tackles					Interceptions						Fumbles
		G	GS	Total	Solo	Ast	Sck	SFTY	PDef	Int	Yds	Avg	Lng	TDs	FUM	Lost
2008	Miami Dolphins	16	14	53	46	7	5.0	--	4	--	--	0.0	--	--	--	--

Not jaw-dropping numbers by any means, but pretty good stuff for a 4th year player playing in a 3-4 as a first time OLB.  This being his 5th year (and thus a contract year) he was poised for big things.  I know the organization really likes this guy.  Before this whole thing, he was likely to get a new contract if he remained consistent and improved his play the way he's done since he came into the league. 

• In January, Roth saw a specialist in Pittsburgh about the groin that forced him to miss a few games in 2007 and hampered him as last season came to an end.
• In March, Roth has surgery on the groin. (Not sure if Darlington is wrong in his article but Roth himself said he had the surgery in March.  See?  This shit is all dildos, man)
• In mid-May Roth participates as the starting strong side linebacker during OTAs.
• Closer to training camp, the team sends Roth to Philly to be examined by a groin specialist (heh, heh) who found nothing wrong with Roth.
• Training Camp opens and Roth is banged up.  He doesn't practice, telling Sparano that he's feeling ill.  It gets so ridiculous that The Dude and I run out of ways to kill strippers, have him do drugs and come to in bizarre situations - and we never run out of that weird shit!
• Roth is now, what, 24 practices behind in Training Camp or so?  In addition, he's likely to miss this Saturday's preseason game as well as the first one he already missed earlier this week.

So what the fuck is going on with this guy?  The breakdown in communication is staggering - especially coming from an organization that A) is so hierarchical from top to bottom B) is extremely secretive and internal about any and all information concerning its players and coaches and C) so clearly differentiates between being 'injured' and being 'hurt' - something that Roth was for a good chunk of 2008 and even those 3 games in 2007. 

The organization loves this guy and was already in talks to have him be the next player re-signed by the Dolphins.  He works hard in practice and games.  He's clearly a fuckin' psycho when he's on the field.  So what gives?  What happened between May and now that allowed this to happen?  Did Roth re-injure the groin while engaging in some non-Dolphins-related activity (*cough* DAGGERIN' *cough*)?  Is this a purely 'contract-related injury' during a contract year where he doesn't want to cause any further damage to the groin until he can be assured there are more serious negotiations going on?  If so, that sure as shit ain't gonna work because this organization CLEARLY won't be bullied around and there's a guy by the name of Jason Fuckin' Taylor taking all the snaps every day in his position and, oh, that guy's pretty fuckin' good, if you haven't heard.

So what gives?  What sayeth you, FinsNation??

 

Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery While Listening to Bokamper's Ted Ginn Interview

Ted Ginn Jr. did an interview with WQAM's Kim Bokamper last night. And here's a brief recap of it: ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

QAM is the official station of the Miami Dolphins and I know there are a lot of QAM fans out there just for that reason. But they usually tow the company line, which means you get boring ass cardboard interviews.

If they gave FN access, you wouldn't get questions about the players' pets or how much fun they had during the off-season. I mean you would, but it would be real. Like: "How hot was the model's ass that you snorted six lines off of last night?" And: "When you accidentally kill a hooker, is true you have to pay the pimp a restitution fee?" But until they give DRK and I full (or any) access, we're going to have to live with Bokamper's "You see the fruits of your labor working out in training camp this year?" bullshit questions. Meh. Whattayagonnado.

Anyway, here's the interview if you still wanna hear it.

via Ethan Skolnick