Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Reminder: Live Blog Tonight

Just a reminder for those of you who A.) would like to join me in watching the game tonight or B.) don't have access to the game because you're either working or live out of the area or are trapped under a fat person, I will be live-blogging tonight's Fins-Jags game.

I'm not promising fireworks. But what I am promising is that I'll type really fast and make  grammatical errors and say Fuck and Cock and Shit and Douche a lot. Coincidentally, that's pretty much what I tell every girl before I sleep with them. Hey-ooohhhh!!! Wait. What?

Know who else is live-blogging this game? That's right. Armando is. So it's up to you.

Join the guy who is afraid of Tom Brady and will shit all over our team every other play and will delete your comments because you don't fall in line with what he thinks.

Or join us as we celebrate the glorious return of Miami Dolphins football with tits and dick jokes Megan Fox and all around crazy-ass reverie.

See you tonight at 7:30

Jets Lead the League in Twitters, Female Fans With Mustaches

It looks like Rex Ryan's express train to Coaching Geniusville is well on its way. To add to the players already suspended, the Jets are now set to lead the league in players that Twitter. Why? Because fuck you, priorities! That's why:

"I like it because I enjoy the banter," Jets kicker Jay Feely said. "It surprises me when you get things back that are hateful, things like, 'I hope you die,' or 'I hope you get cancer,' but I like being able to interact and share your beliefs and feelings and say it the way in which you want, without going through an intermediary."

It's pretty harsh to tell a guy you hope he dies. Even if he is a Jet. That's just wrong. He's just a fellow human being with a Twitter page, after all. I think the most I'd ever wish on a Jets player is for them to get gang raped by a herd of rhinos with AIDS. Hey, I'm not a monster.

That's One Quarter of Excitement, Three Quarters of Pretending You Know How to Evaluate Football Players Better Than Your Friends

Well it's finally here. Tonight's the night. Dolphins football. Fuck yea. As per usual, the talk today will be what we should look for in this, the first of four pre-season games. The Palm Beach Post says there are five things us fans need to keep an eye out for:

With 21 practices over and the first 13 days of training camp in the books, the level of competition rises a notch as Miami opens its exhibition schedule against Jacksonville at 7:30 p.m. at Land Shark Stadium. Many questions remain, and the four exhibitions to be played over the next 18 days figure to provide most of the answers.

The five things listed seem pretty right on the nose to me. But then again not much can be gleamed from a pre-season game, so why bother. A couple of years ago John Beck played fantastically in a pre-season game and everybody started calling him the next Joe Montana. Instead, he was a complete mess. He'd fumble the ball every single time he touched it, and he looked pretty much like you or I would look if 340 pound linebackers were coming to rip us a couple of new assholes. He went from calm collected BYU star, to literally forgetting his own name when the ball was hiked. And now he's destined to be a career backup. I guess what I'm trying to say is eat a bag of shit, Cam Cameron!

Weekender: Death of the The Doldrums

Dolphins football kicks off Monday night! There is nothing you can add to that sentence that can make it any more awesome. Except maybe at the end, where I'd put something like: "and a naked Bar Refaeli sits on my face!"

That said, I'll let Bar and her wondrous ass send us off into the weekend, as The Doldrums flail and kick and die a slow death. Thank you, Bar's ass!

Have a great weekend, Nation.

It's All Good, Baby

If you recall, we had a pretty heated debate in the comments yesterday about Pat White's early training camp struggles. And by "pretty heated debate," I mean that we all pretty much agreed with each other.

Still. You just know there are dissenters out there. Dudes just itching to tell us we made a huge mistake in drafting White.

But to those doubters, naysayers, skeptics, cynics, and scoffers, Pat White says this: "Eat a dick, baby."

Because White had himself a very strong outing during this morning's practice session.

Today, White began to show glimpses he's becoming more comfortable in the pocket. White completed a number of nice throws during Friday morning's session, capped by a touchdown on the final play in practice on a perfectly thrown fade route to Ernest Wilford. White also threw a TD on a perfect toss to rookie Brian Hartline on a post pattern with Joey Thomas in tight coverage.

And it would have been even better had his receivers not gotten all Chris Chambers-y and started dropping passes left and right.

Anthony Armstrong bobbled the ball out of a bounds on a well-timed out pattern, Pat Turner dropped a deep slant right on the money and rookie John Nalbone also dropped a nice pass from White.

Once White gets used to NFL speed, and gets a handle of his comfort level, and his passes start connecting, then our opponents are going to start having their shit fucked up good and proper. And, if we've learned anything in the last year, it's that the Dolphins are in the fucking opponents' shit up good and proper business. And business is good.

OMG Tom Brady's Back! We're All Gonna Die!

Armando Salguero devoted an entire blog post to how we should all collectively shit our pants and fall into a fetal position because....

...wait for it...

Tom Brady is back!!!!!!

Even if you're a Dolphins fan and you're not worried, you definitely should be aware. Tom Brady is back.

Gasp. I am so scared my balls just retreated into my body. Whatever shall we do.

sigh

I would tell Armando to go suck himself a couple of horse cocks, but that's a Tuesday afternoon for him, so it wouldn't be much of an insult. So we'll just call him a dickbag and leave it at that.

Updated Depth Chart Is Updated

The Dolphins released their depth chart yesterday. But Omar Kelly said fuck that depth chart, and proceeded to give us the real depth chart. Of course, a depth chart will fluctuate during the pre-season. What you see in the depth chart today doesn't necessarily mean you're going to see the same depth chart on opening week. I like saying depth chart.

For now, this is the depth chart we should expect to see on Monday night.

And in other news: MAJOR LAZERRRRR!!!!!

Fins vs. Jags Live Blog Type Thing

The Dolphins 2009 season officially kicks off on Monday!! Awwyeea...

Armando has the run down of what things might look like on Monday night. He says we should expect to see a whole lotta Chad Henne and Pat White, with a little Chad Pennington mixed in for about a quarter. He also tells us that Sparano wants to have the offensive linemen play as much as possible, while guys like Jason Ferguson and Jason Taylor will play just a series or two.

For those of you who won't have access to the game -- fear not. I will be live-blogging it. It'll be like watching the game with me! Except that you can't actually see the game and you soon learn how obnoxious and annoying I am, and you start to make excuses in your mind like you have to get up early the next day, or the nachos aren't sitting well with you, or you only have the sitter for a few hours, so you better get going. But then I'm like, don't lie to me! You don't have a sitter! You don't even have kids! And then you're like, ok, fine. I just want to go home, ok? And I'm all like, fine! Go! See if I care! I didn't want you here in the first place anyway! I just invited you because I felt sorry for you (::sobbing::). Also, you're ugly! And then you're like, whatever. And I'm like, fine! And you're like, fine! And then you storm out and I go outside and start egging your car as you pull out of the driveway and I start yelling at the top of my lungs about what a two-bit whore you are so that everyone can hear me. And you screetch off as the neighbor's lights turn on and the neighborhood dogs start barking and I keep yelling, "WHORE! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A TWO-BIT WHORE!!! EVEN THE WHORES DOWN THE STREET CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT A WHORE YOU ARE!!!"

So, join me, won't you? It'll be fun! :)

Is It Too Soon to Wonder About Pat White Questionmark

We were all pretty jacked up when the Fins used a second-round pick to take Pat White. And we're all chomping at the bit to see him orchestrate the Wild Cat. But Dave Hyde points out that White has struggled in camp so far. And if "struggled" is a euphemism for "sucking monkey balls," then yes, Pat White has struggled:

the question no one wants to raise this training camp raised itself again on Wednesday when Pat White threw an interception and was sacked in the morning practice. He threw another interception and was sacked in the evening workout. He, by any estimation, has struggled this training camp, the way admittedly many rookie quarterbacks do in their first one.It's just not a position any but the very polished step in and master immediately for obvious reasons... Everyone knows it's far too early to write anyone off, especially someone with as much talent and smarts White showed in running a complicated offense for four years at West Virginia. All his life, as I wrote in a column last week, he's overcome questions and doubts. It's too early to suggest that won't be the case here. But it's not too early to notice he's struggling in camp.

So, Pat White. Are you worried or not worried? Discuss. Also, taking a shower with a girl while still wearing your pajama pants. Cool or Sexy Cool? Discuss.

No Disassemble #7

Jeff Darlington wrote a piece in today's Herald about everyone's favorite lovable robot, Chad Henne.  Sparano recently praised Henne and referenced his 66% completion percentage as being indicative of the burgeoning badassery this guy is going to inflict on the world once he's assimilated all the data, processed it, downloaded it into his complex sensory robo-neurons and set all weapons to 'KILL' on NFL secondaries.  He even gives us this incredibly mechanical quote aimed at squeezing a little oil can right on your now-stimulated human reproductive organs:

``I feel like I throw the ball deep,'' Henne said. ``I enjoy moving the ball downfield. I'm not a guy that's going to try to look for check downs. If it's there, take it. If it's not, make a smart decision.''

You see that?  He enjoys moving the ball downfield.  Meanwhile, I enjoy scratching my balls and sniffing my fingers afterward. (PS call me, ladies!!)  You're gonna tell me this guy isn't a fuckin' robot???

Clearly, Pennington should be the man as long as he's healthy and effective but how eager are you, FN faithful, to see Henne take the reins?  Could you wait another year - or even 2 - for him to unleash his ray gun upon the NFL??  By all accounts he's had a very solid camp, but how representative is the 66% completion percentage of check downs and passes to RBs??  Monday's preseason kickoff against the Jags (a team he played pretty nicely against in last year's exhibition game) should start to give us some answers.  I, for one, cannot fucking wait.