Well, we finally exited The Doldrums this week with an as-expected sloppily played preseason win against the Jags. We'll take it. The Dude's preview of tomorrow's game is just below this entry where you'll be sure to find juicy nuggets of insight. Lo and behold, there's already more Dolphins football to watch tomorrow night and I'm sure The Dude will put up some open thread for y'all to comment on during and after the game. I sincerely doubt he'll be liveblogging this one because he'll be too busy partying with Roth and snorting coke off of each country representative's ass from the 2009 Miss Teen Universe pageant. They all get pretty antsy and want Daddy to sniff a little 'happy dust' off their perfectly shaped asses. I mean, there are A LOT of countries out there people. You DO NOT want to piss off Ms Myanmar and deny her her sugar. I'll probably get on here at about 4am once I've drunkenly watched the NFL Network re-broadcast and have absolutely zero to say considering I probably won't remember one play to the next. Blackouts aren't just for local TV sports broadcasts, people....
This week - since you've been good - we're giving you a little best of both worlds. The Dude has been all about Mila Kunis and I've done my best here to make his penis pay a bit more attention to this Weekender than most. It says on her Wikipedia page that Kunis is Ukrainian (word to the wise: fornicate with Eastern Europeans pre-30 because they do not look so good as they age), has dated Macauly Culkin since 2002 (news to me cuz I always thought that dude was a total queer-o) and gave fat, hairy, smelly geeks everywhere a major chub by declaring that she is a big fan of World of Warcraft. Can you imagine how many dorkazoids fact-checked that shit while sitting around drinking copious amounts of Mountain Dew and watching 'That 70s Show' reruns?? As opposed to the Dude, I've had a SERIOUS infatuation with Brooklyn Decker and you can see why. I invite you to go to the SI.com page and just watch her talk about whatever that iPhone app is blah blah blah and just marvel at how awesome her tits look in that little white shirt. Jesus. Brooklyn is also married to Andy Roddick, a guy which some people really don't like but I kinda root for. My only problem with Roddick is that he's not dying of some terminal disease in a hospital and weakly insisting to his wife that she spend the rest of her life with me as he breathes his dying breath.
One final note: Our very own Star Commenter Extraordinaire, Mr. Tom Ass, has written a season preview of the Dolphins for a Browns blog. I cannot tell you how The Dude and I beam with parental pride when one of our little children goes off into the big, scary world to do some truly epic shit. We hold each other deep into the night, gaze into each other's eyes by the fireplace and just repeat these words over and over again until the Sun comes up: "I KNOW, man." Do yourselves a favor and go check out Tom's great work here.
And now, the bonus round:
Today's big winner? Your penis.
Enjoy the weekend and the game, everyone. GO DOLPHINS!!!