Remember when you went to see The Departed after hearing from all sorts of critics and friends and co-workers about what an awesome movie it was? There you were in the middle of it, and you thought, wow this movie is kick-ass! DiCaprio's character is really going through a lot as an undercover cop! I wonder how he's going to bring down the mob boss being played by Jack Nicholson? DiCaprio is going to have to be real careful because that Matt Damon is a real douche and he's going to have to...WHAT THE FUCK THEY JUST SHOT DiCAPRIO IN THE FACE!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!???
Same fucking feeling during and after Sunday's clusterfuck of a game.We knew the Fins were going to have their hands full against the Atlanta Falcons. We knew they were going to have to come strong and play for four full quarters, either way. But no way were we expecting the epic crapshow that showed up instead. What the shit!
The Dolphins were gang raped with ice cream scoops by one of the league's worst defensive lines on Sunday. The front office spent a grand total of $156 million to revamp an offensive line that couldn't open holes if they were playing against the goddamn Muppets. A grand total of 43 yards on 10 carries for Ronnie and 39 yards on 7 carries for Ricky. Not to mention the lack of pass protection for Chad Pennington, who looked more like Don Knotts than the MVP runner up of a season ago. Pennington was sacked four times, hurried twelve times and knocked on his ass six times. And he neither had big balls nor was he very cute with his one interception and one fumble. Fuck my cock!
Matt Ryan, the Falcon's first-round pick from a year ago, finished the day with 229 yards and two touchdowns. Jake Long, the guy we decided to go with instead of Ryan, allowed two sacks, several hurries and was bull rushed, pancaked, and face fucked by defensive end John Abraham. Your franchise left tackle, ladies and gentlemen. But hey, at least we don't have to worry about that position for the next 10 years. Right? Shit on my face!
Then there was the secondary. Oh my fuck is this going to be a long year if our defensive backs play like this. Yeremiah Bell and Gibril Wilson were two sides of the same shit coin. For all their skull shattering ways, they're completely asscocked when they face receivers with speed or agility of any kind. I know Tony Gonzalez is a Hall of Fame tight end and everything. But fuck me sideways, the guy is 139 years old. Tackle his ass! Sean Smith had a few nice plays, but was basically Roddy White's prison girlfriend for most of the time he was out there. And when Vontae Davis came into the game, he ran around like a chicken on acid. Lost and totally fucking bewildered. The Falcons offense completed passes of 22 and 18 yards on Vontae and ended up scoring the Too-Far-Ahead-to-Give-A-Fuck-Now touchdown with him out there. Fuck me in the ear with a bull penis!
Then there was the whole Pat White thing. Look, I'm all for getting cute with our offense and going all razzle dazzle on someone's ass. But not in the middle of a fucking game where you're getting heaps of shit sandwiches with a side order of fucked up the ass served to you all the live long day. The fuck ever happened to hiking the ball and throwing it? Anytime Pennington and his shitty, shitty, shitty receivers had any sort of rhythm going, the Fins would decide that it was too much rhythm and put White in at QB all for the sake of "shaking things up." Problem was A.) the offensive line is in no playing condition to pull off shit like that and B.) when White did manage to throw the ball to an open Ted Ginn, he overthrew him by about eighty fucking miles. Jesus I don't think Pat White ever threw the ball that far in college. Rookie Attempting First NFL Pass Adrenaline + Very Little Accuracy to Begin With = Fucked Every Time.
Outside of the front seven holding Michael Turner to just 65 yards and no touchdowns and Phlilp Merling strapping on the Codpiece and having himself a ballstastic game, and that one play where Greg Camarillo caught a pass with his ass, the rest of the day went tits up.
But hey, good news. Next week we get to face Peyton Manning! And Reggie Wayne! Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!! Shove my balls right into a Cuisinart blender and press liquefy!
And Anthony Fasano, please go get fucked with a circus midget you good for nothing shitbag.