With all due respect to DRK's shitting unicorns and Jolly Ranchers all over the place after last night's game ...
Holy fucking ass clenching shit why does this shit only happen to us??!!
The Dolphins had the ball for 45 minutes last night. The Colts? 14:53.45 minutes.
45 dick sucking, bed shitting, duck vagina eating minutes.
And yet, of course, we still manage to find a way to lose.
The running backs combined for 235 rushing yards and 2 touchdowns. The offense didn't turn the ball over once. The offensive line mauled the Colts pass rush. They were an outstanding 15 for 21 on third down conversions. The Wildcat just beat the shit out of the Colts D. And yet they still lost!
Think about all that for a minute. You can't, can you. The left-hand part of your brain just looked at the right-hand part of your brain and said, "Meh, Imma go take a shit and then go to sleep."
That's how unfathomable this all is. This can only happen to us.
It's official. Our defensive backs suck the shit out a camel's ass with a goddamn whirly straw. Indianapolis didn't even have the ball for 15 minutes, and yet all Peyton Manning had to do was chuck it to Dallas Clark, and the Colts were made in the shade. Gibril Wilson, for all the hoopla surrounding him when he came over via free agency, is as useless as a giant heaping pile of moose shit. Yeremiah Bell, for all his hard-hitting ways, is as ineffective as a guy trying to fuck an ostrich when in pass coverage. Dropping sure-fire interceptions and getting absolutely eviscerated by the tight end and what amounts to a rookie second-string receiver during every single crossing pattern earns you a full-fledged car battery enema. Fuck you both royally.
Jason Taylor and Joey Porter looked old as fuck. They have a combined 204 career sacks (which, coincidentally, is their combined age) between them. Yet they turned in an absolute shit stain of a performance with a combined one tackle for the night. Yes, it was a sack by Peezy. But it was after a Colts offensive line miscue. When it counted most, JT and JP were nowhere to be found. Lost in the Bermuda Triangle of Suck. And when you have rookie corners out there with safeties who couldn't cover Emmanuel Fuckin Lewis, you need all the pressure on the quarterback that you can muster. One tackle between JT and Peezy? Come the fuck on!
And Ted Ginn, please be so kind as to shove an entire beehive right up your anal cavity. Do it twice. You are not now, nor will you ever be, a number one receiver. Some say we shouldn't blame you for being picked ninth overall in the 2007 NFL Draft. But I am. I'm blaming you. You are the face of our perpetual clusterfuck. Fuck you. And fuck Cam Cameron. But most of all, fuck Cam Cameron. And Dolphins brass, can we now finally agree that we have no number one receiver on this offense? It's a passing offense filled with guys who would make excellent number 2 or 3 receivers anywhere else in the league. No superstars = last night's epic fail of a 2-minute drill.
Congratulations, fucksticks. You are now officially in last place in the AFC East.
Fuck my cock.