Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Adriana Lima & Her T-ts....

 

...would us all to take a deep breath, relax, take it easy, and maybe not think or talk about the Dolphins for a while. Sure, you're free to do so here in the comments. And Adriana's tits would never tell you what to do. They dispense advice, is all. But I don't think it's wise to ignore them. They are as wise as they are delightful. Like Chinese fortune cookies. Except, you know, they don't taste like shit.

Be back tomorrow where we can pick up the vitriol full steam.

Until then, chill. It's hump day. Go hump. Have a couple of beers, watch a movie, catch up on your favorite comic books, have a couple of gwerk yerks, whatever the hell you do to wind down.

The Dolphins will be here tomorrow. And they'll still suck.

See you all then.

Um, Ok

 Looks like Bill Parcells put a phone call in to his son-in-law and got himself a quarterback. The Dolphins landed Kansas City Chiefs QB Tyler Thigpen for an undisclosed draft pick. 

I don't know why, but I sort of like this pickup. Oh, not in a "Oh the rest of the NFL is fucked now!" kind of way. But still. Thigpen is 25, started 11 games last year and can sling the rock.

Here he is catching a 37-yard touchdown pass off a trick play (Wild Cat?). And here he is fucking a skeleton in the ass. What an athlete!

He's merely here as a backup. We needed a veteran QB to back up Chad Henne because there was no way in hell the Trifecta was going to allow Pat I'm So Nervous Imma Pee M'Pants White backup The Robot.

Also, it's not Brooks Bollinger. So there's that.

A Tribute Of Thanks To Captain Balls

It was fate that brought Chad Pennington and the Miami Dolphins together. During the off-season, the New York Jets waived Pennington after four solid seasons with the team, casting him aside like an old tire to make room for newly acquired Brett Favre. Yet when the Dolphins signed Pennington off waivers, the immediate reaction from most Fins fans was exasperation. Pennington entered the picture as the latest poster child for the Dolphins' ever-revolving door of middling retread quarterbacks since the great Dan Marino retired. Conventional wisdom said Pennington was too weak-armed and injury-prone, and his pair of prior shoulder surgeries only stoked the flames of doubt. But Pennington proved that leadership, class, a tireless work ethic, and pinpoint accuracy can be just as effective as a laser-rocket arm. Cool, collected, and sharp, he took charge of the once-hapless Dolphins from day one and led them to the greatest turnaround in NFL history.

During the last game of the regular season -- in of all places New York, with thousands of rancorous, vitriolic Jets fans breathing down their necks -- the Dolphins were fighting for their playoff lives. Win and they would pull off the improbable: finishing with an 11-5 record and a division crown a season after winning only one game. Lose and their season was dead in the water. Favre and the Jets had just taken a 17-14 lead late in the game with a quick-strike scoring drive that shifted the momentum back in their favor. Now, with the weight of an entire fan base on his shoulders, it was up to Pennington to save the game, and the season -- against his old team. He answered that Jets drive -- and his critics -- by leading Miami on a six-play, 80-yard drive that culminated in a perfect pass to tight end Anthony Fasano in the corner of the end zone for the game-winning, AFC East Championship-clinching touchdown. Revenge, redemption, fate.

"It's not a revenge factor," Pennington told the Miami Herald afterward, an AFC East Champions cap nestled firmly on his head. "It just so happened it had to come through New York. That's the only way fate would have it. It shouldn't and couldn't come out any other way.'"

Indeed.

[originally appeared in Miami New Times Best of 2009]

Thanks, Chad. For your class, your leadership, your cuteness, your balls, and your insanely accurate passes. But most of all, thanks for sticking it up everyone's asses and giving us that AFC East championship when they all counted us out. You brought us something that we thought was absolutely extinct around these parts: Hope. And that will forever be your legacy in Dolphins Nation.

FN, and Elin Grindemyr, Is Here To Help

We like to think we provide a service here at FN. Never was this more apparent to me than when I visited the stats page and discovered that someone had found us by Googling "dolphins suck fuck" yesterday. Think about that. Before yesterday, this poor, forlorn, rudderless soul wandered the earth not knowing where to turn to go and vent his utter and seemingly endless frustration and heartache over being a Dolphins fan. Until he just said fuck it, and typed the words "dolphins suck fuck" into his search engine and allowed the wonders of the Internet take him where it may... And it led him right here. FinsNation.com

He's still a poor, forlorn Dolphins fan. But he's no longer rudderless. Because he discovered FN and found solace in the myriad of "fucks" and "sucks" and "dolphins" etched interminably throughout this blog. More importantly, however, is that he found what every poor, forlorn, rudderless soul truly needs. Tits!

And who better to provide that than Elin Grindemyr. That's right. She's back. Turns out Elin was quite the popular Weekender girl this last Friday. And I do not blame you, Nation. She's a peach!

Since she showed us her awesome tits on Friday, Elin was kind enough to turn around and show us that she has an equally awesome ass (see above).

However, ever determined to not have us soon forget how awesome her tits are, she decided to give us another glimpse. 

 

 
And here she is wearing nothing but a thong. I want to eat that thong! Nom nom nom. That couch looks comfy!

Ah-ha! But she's also willing to be uncomfortable for us by posing completely naked on a bunch of jagged rocks. Oh Elin, you and your ass and your tits are truly charitable and magnanimous in every way. Sigh.

 

 

So thank you Elin Grindemyr, for your service and selflessness. But most of all, thank you for your awesome tits and ass. Viva Le France! Or whatever they say in Sweden. Hey! Look At Our Meatballs! or whatever the fuck....

We love you.

And now.... we go forth and look to the future of our beloved Miami Dolphins! Upward and onward!

Report: Pennington Done for Year

posted by DatRoroKid

 

ESPN is reporting that Captain Balls is done for the year.  Not surprising.  Seemed entirely obvious the minute he went down and they started cutting him out of his shells.  This likely also means that Pennington is done as a Dolphin and we get to find out what - if anything- The Robot has to offer now that he's been switched on and is fully operational for active duty.  Better to find out now, I guess, given that the season is cloudy with a chance of shitballs.  Maybe we can draft a QB in the first round next year.  That seems to be working out pretty good for other teams these days.

Your new quarterback:

 Domo Arigato??

Well, fuck me with a weedwacker.

Welcome To The Sh-t Parade

I have no words.

So I'll just sum up everyone's feelings with this:

 and this:

 
and this:

 

You can read my post-game thoughts over at Miami New Times. Come by and leave a comment or two. Just so I know I'm not alone in this dark endless abyss of pain, misery and shit-eatery.

Weekender: Just. F-cking. Win. Edition

 

I'm not gonna mince words, Nation. We need a fucking win this Sunday. I don't care how or by how much. All I know is that we need a W. DRK's Keys to the Game post pretty much sums it all up.

Just. Fucking. Win.

We leave you with Weekender girl Elin Grindemyr. Her name sounds like a Lord of The Rings character, but it doesn't matter when you have awesome tits like that. They could have named her Slappy McShitface for all I care. It'd still be all good. Awesome tits are the great equalizer.

Also, she's from Sweden, which automatically makes her 200% hotter.

And here's a giant picture of her sucking on a lollypop.

Hinga hurgin burgin!

Have a great weekend, Nation.

Keys To The Game: Dolphins @ Chargers

Gotta make this one a little quick and dirty, boys and girls, as I've got plans and I STILL have to clean up my apartment.  There are seriously about 4,293 beer bottles on my kitchen counter and I have to make this place, well, fuckable in a hurry.

The Keys

•  Oh, I don't know...HOW ABOUT STOPPING THEM ON OFFENSE ONCE IN A WHILE INSTEAD OF PLAYING THE FUCKING GAME LIKE OUR DEFENSE CONSISTS OF 11 80-YEAR OLD GRANDMOTHERS THAT HAD ABOUT 10 KIDS EACH, YOU FUCKIN' FAGGOTS?!?!?!  Sorry.  I just re-watched part of the Monday night game and I'm very pissed.
• Continue the streak:  we've beaten them the past 7 times.  If we ever needed a team to go up against, it's one we fucking OWN.  So go out there and act like it.
• Continue to run the fuck out of the ball. Their badass NT Jamal Williams is out for the season.  Look for us to exploit the middle and fear the edges with Shawne Merriman wreaking havoc over there.
• Which brings me to Jake Long needing to have a Pro Bowl caliber performance against Merriman.  Look for them to continuously slide over Justin Smiley for a good portion of the game.  That really helped Jake against Freeney this past week.  I see no reason to stop doing that - unless Merriman didn't take his 'roid cycle this week.
• Please keep Will Allen on Vincent Jackson.  I think Sean Smith is awesome but I fear a breakout game by Jackson.  And my friend has him in fantasy football and I'll never heard the end of what an incredible genius he is for picking him if he has a big game against us.
• Feed Ginn and Fasano.  Those boys need to get back in this shit after a good but not great game for Ginn (we know this very well) and a disappearing act for Fasano since the Atlanta debacle.
• First game:  Good defense.  Second game:  Good Offense.  Can we get a little more Goldilocks up in this bitch and get it JUST RIGHT? FUCK!
• Contain Sproles somehow, someway.  Go all "Last Boy Scout" on him.  I don't fucking care.

More here.

Prediction:  Dolphins 31 - Chargers 20.  Rivers gets rattled by the rush (that finally shows up) and Sproles is contained.  Defense shows signs of life.

Go Dolphins!!!  Go tits and pussy!!!  Ass, too!!!  Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

Aquaman Is Demanding To Know Why FN Hasn't Posted Anything All Day

I want to know why it's taken all fucking day for one of you assholes to post something!

Well, uh, Aquaman... we're both kind of busy with work and...

Busy? Work? Fuck you! You guys working for fucking NORAD or some shit? You guys deep sea divers rescuing sunken nuclear submarines? No. You're fucking not. One of you is a shit ass freelance writer, which means you spend your entire day eating Doritos and watching re-runs of Family Matters on the fucking ABC Family network. And the fuck knows what the other one does besides jagging off in a cubicle all the live long day.

Hey now, Aquaman. That's not cool. Just chill....


The fuck, you fucks? How fucking hard is it to post news about the Dolphins? Shit for breakfast, man! It's not fucking brain surgery. You mean to tell me that two of you faggots can't find one goddamned article to post for us to read? It's not like we're asking you to break down game film or anything. The work is already done for you! Faggots. All you need to do is cut and paste that shit and make a stupid snide dick joke or talk about how wonderful Megan Fox's tits are. See how easy that was? You fucks.

I.... I'm sorry.


Stuff your sorries in a sack, you fuck stick fuck. Just give me something I can read. It's fucking Friday, for fucksake. All I want is for the day to go by so I can go the fuck home and go out tonight and get shitfaced with Hawkman and Spidergirl. Is that too much to ask? I'm stuck in the fucking ocean all day talking to fish. You realize how fucking humiliating that shit is? Superman has all those fucking powers, the Apache Chief can make himself giant. Shit, even that fudgepacking homo from the Wonder Twins can shapeshift into something. And that guy sucks more cock than Perez Fucking Hilton. Even Batman is cool, and he doesn't even have any powers! Me? I was blessed with the ability to communicate with undersea animals. Woopity-fucking-doo! So save it, you fuck. Just give me some Dolphins news and be on your merry way, you assfuck.

Um... okay. Here are some links on the Fins:
--Justin Smiley was limited in practice, but says he'll be ready
--The Dolphins have been practicing with former Chargers tight end all week
--Some key Chargers are injured entering this week
--Joey Porter is dealing with a hamstring injury, but should play Sunday



Uggh.... Fuck you. It's too late for me to read all that! There's a woman drowning off the coast of Bimini and I have to call a school of mackerel to save her. Probably some fat ass tourist who fell off her goddamned jet ski. Jesus. Fuck my life.

Sorry.


Fuck you.

Ted Ginn and Captain Balls Have Chemistry

  

Despite being a complete and utter fuck up when the game was on the line, you do have to give some props to Ted Ginn and his overall performance from Monday night. Ginn caught 11 passes for 108 yards on Monday night. And while he completely humped the mattress whenever he was anywhere near the endzone, you still have to at least acknowledge that it's a nice little stat line.

Sure, he completely banged the duck when the time came for him to make a career defining, season-changing, fuck yea! moment catch when it truly counted, but still. Great stat line.

The good news is, Ted's at least shown improvement with his route running and ball catching skills. He was a major contributor to the offense converting 15 of 21 on 3rd down attempts. Sure, he still drops like a sack of dirt as soon as he catches the ball, even when the nearest defensive player is still 20 yards away from him, but there's improvement there. And while he no longer runs like a man being chased by a bee, and has now instead become the guy who catches a pass then drops to the ground like he's been lit on fire, you still have to feel pretty good about how far Teddy Ginn has come.

This is thanks to the chemistry he seems to be developing with Chad Pennington. Chad targeted Ginn 16 times Monday night. And it seems like they're showing that chemistry more and more, even in practice:

Pennington hit Ted Ginn, Jr. in stride on a deep shot. Could those two finally be growing comfortable with each other? How did Ginn like being the target of 16 Pennington passes on Monday night (resulting in a career-best 11 catches)?

"It felt great just to come up with the balls and make opportunities for him to be able to throw the route and get it to me," Ginn said Wednesday. "It was a great situation."

Sure, it was a great situation. A great situation that you ultimately sprayed shit all over, but a great situation nonetheless.

Here's to Ted and Chad's chemistry becoming the next Marino-to-Duper, Montana-to-Rice duo for many games to come. Unless you count all the game winning TD catches Marino-Duper and Montana-Rice had. But still. Here's to ya!