Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

News Flash!!! The Jets and Their Fans are Boorish Half-Breeds!!! EXTRA!! EXTRA!! Read All About It!!!

 

 

posted by DatRoroKid

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that Mr. Michael Ventre is not only an astute scholar that could well have studied under Aristotle (for all I know) but he's a griot to the NFL itself - weaving wonderful lines of truth and ancestral knowledge known to all intelligent Dolphins fans yet has alluded a large majority of the planet.  That truth being:  The Jets are a stinking pile of dogshit and their fans flawlessly mirror that laughable organization.  In an absolutely LOVELY piece of journalism I implore all of you to read aloud in front of your wives, girlfriends, children and loved ones this coming Sunday as everyone enjoys mint juleps and fresh fruit, Mr. Ventre proceeds to delineate the Jets and their fans as the clueless, uneducated piles of shit everyone should have known them to be, well, eons ago:

The typical Jets fan is male, about 26-35, built like Weeb Eubank, and has been wearing the same No. 12 jersey since the sixth grade, a garment that usually has been spared the indignity of repeated machine washings. The most important day in the life of a Jets' fan is Draft Day, when he and his brethren gather inside a New York ballroom or arena to greet the franchise's selections with catcalls and language that would make a Merchant Marine drop anchor so he could cover his ears.

Tee-heeeee!!!

Fuck you, Jets!!!

The Robot Chad Henne Is Antsy

  

The questions have begun to get serious about whether or not Chad Pennington should remain the starter should the Dolphins once again find a way to monumentally collapse against the Chargers this week, and fall into an 0-3 shit hole. Of course the Dolphins front office won't say anything. So we have to rely on blogs and talk radio at this point. BUT it does become a legitimate question. Not to be all defeatist or anything, but the Fins do face off against Antonio Gates this week, and Gibril Wilson is apparently still in the starting lineup, which means Gates will finish the day with 5,376 yards and 122 touchdowns or something close to that. 

Of course, it's not Pennington's fault that Gibril Wilson couldn't tackle a stack of empty beer cans. Or that Yeremiah Bell couldn't cover the midget from Fantasy Island. But 0-3 would pretty much mean the season for the Dolphins. In which case, it wouldn't make a lot of sense to keep The Robot Chad Henne on the sidelines any longer. At some point we'd have to know if Henne is indeed our future franchise quarterback. Or if we have to consider drafting yet another quarterback in the second-round we can all pin our hopes and dreams on next year until he fails spectacularly and we start wondering about the quarterbacks in the 2011 draft and so on and so on and so on and.....

Of course, this is all conjecture. Pennington remains the starter. And if the Fins manage to pull a win out of their asses in San Diego on Sunday, then all this would be moot. Until we face yet another win-or-fuck-my-life scenario.

One thing we do know, is that Pennington remains the starter and deservedly so. But should the Dolphins make a change, Henne says he's more than ready. In fact, he's antsy. And in this post, Chargers QB Phillip Rivers shares how he knows all to well the pains of waiting to be the man while he sat and learned from Drew Brees for two seasons -- similar to where Henne finds himself now:

"You have the crowd there, the game's on the line, you want to be in those situations, so of course you're antsy," (Henne) said. "I can't say there's a limit, but every quarterback on the sidelines is antsy."

I'd also like to add that none of this would matter if Nick Saban didn't have what they call in the medical field "shit for brains" and signed Brees instead of Daunte Culpepper back in 2006. Or if Dave Wannstedt wasn't what they call in the medical field "a dick eating shithead" and drafted Brees back in 2001.

So what say you, Nation? Should the Dolphins unleash The Robot unto the world if the Fins go down in San Diego this Sunday?

Some Change Would Do Us Good

posted by DatRoro Kid

 

 

You know shit has gone all BoJangles like a box of hot, spicy fried chicken when I'm agreeing with just about everything mentioned in an Armando Salguero post.  Armando posits that the time has come for a few changes in the defense and I reckon he's right:

I'm sorry, but the Dolphins need to bench Gibril Wilson. His enormous contract lined with $8 million in guaranteed money notwithstanding, Wilson is a liability in the deep secondary. He does not tackle well. He always seems a step slow. And he never makes an important play.

A-fucking-men on that one.  We just need to suck it up to being another Ernest Wilford.  There's a lot of talent in this front office and roaming the sidelines and, clearly, there's also quite a bit of inexperience when you take a more hands-off Cockpuncher out of the equation.  Not everything the FO touches is going to turn to gold and, ever since the preseason, there have been some fairly obvious hints that Wilson is not the player he was with the Giants back in '07.  So yea, it's time to put in Tyrone Culver - a guy who is, you know, an ACTUAL free safety.  I'm not saying this change needs to be permanent or that it will even be a better solution long-term, but something needs to be done.  He got beat way too many times in A GAME...not practice...but a game.

Salguero continues:

Also, the use of Akin Ayodele when he was clearly slowed by that back issue last week cost the Dolphins. Play Reggie Torbor! The guy didn't come cheap. Let him earn his money rather than putting a hobbled player on the field.

Again, I agree.  Dogs and cats are kissing!  After the busted coverage on the first play of the game that led to the Clark 80-yard couch-fucking, it was clear that Ayodele is a bit off right now and probably needs to contribute a little less.  I mean, it took one fucking step inward from the play-action and Clark was gone.  It helps that Gibril Wilson was back there to shine his shoes from the ground as Clark ran right by him.

I don't necessarily agree with putting Cameron Wake in there just yet but they do need to get a bit more unconventional with their blitz schemes and expose the gaps.  Last year the Dolphins benefited from a career year by Porter but there were also more exotic blitz packages that involved DBs rushing the passer.  We're going to have to get a bit more complex and, as Tom Ass said, Wildcat-y in the defense to cover up some of the very evident talent issues we have.

Again, patience is key in this rebuilding process.

Dan Marino Finds All This Stephen Ross C-List Celebrity Bullsh-t Just As F-cking Stupid As You Do

"My feelings are it's about football really. It's about the game. There is a football game to be played but ... uh... all this is fun. It's fun ... and it's good for the fans."

Holy fucking fuck I love that man!

I love how Marino doesn't give a fuck. Why? Because he's Dan Fucking Marino. Who the hell's gonna tell him to tow the company line when HE IS THE FUCKING COMPANY!

So fuck you Stephen Ross! You fucking billionaire dick gobbling goblin-looking fuck. And fuck you Gloria Estefan. Would it fucking kill you to open your goddamn shit-eating maw when you fucking talk? And fuck you Marc Anthony, you weird fucking old man-twelve year old boy hybrid. And fuck your jiggly-assed wife and that fucking hump on her nose that disproportionately sits on her overrated shit face.

And fuck you Lisa Petrillo. Can you at least pretend you're not that fucking enamored by these over hyped fucksticks and just report the event without having multiple orgasms on live television? Just because you're a failed actress now forced to do this shit for a living doesn't mean the rest of us don't care about the fucking football game being played.

And for that idiot who swears that all this godawful shit is what totally brought the fans back: No sweetheart. An 11-5 AFC East championship is what brought the fans back.

And one more thing, if you gave Gloria Estefan a helmet to sign, well then fuck you with a clothes hanger dipped in syphilis you dick eating fuckturd.

When no one's looking, I'm going drive down to LandShark and I'm going to take a massive shit on that orange carpet. I am not even remotely kidding about that.

I Got Memories, I Got Sh-t

 

 

With all due respect to DRK's shitting unicorns and Jolly Ranchers all over the place after last night's game ...

Holy fucking ass clenching shit why does this shit only happen to us??!! 

The Dolphins had the ball for 45 minutes last night. The Colts? 14:53. 

45 minutes.

45 dick sucking, bed shitting, duck vagina eating minutes.

And yet, of course, we still manage to find a way to lose.

45 minutes.

45!

Minutes!

The running backs combined for 235 rushing yards and 2 touchdowns. The offense didn't turn the ball over once. The offensive line mauled the Colts pass rush. They were an outstanding 15 for 21 on third down conversions. The Wildcat just beat the shit out of the Colts D. And yet they still lost!

Think about all that for a minute. You can't, can you. The left-hand part of your brain just looked at the right-hand part of your brain and said, "Meh, Imma go take a shit and then go to sleep."

That's how unfathomable this all is. This can only happen to us.

It's official. Our defensive backs suck the shit out a camel's ass with a goddamn whirly straw. Indianapolis didn't even have the ball for 15 minutes, and yet all Peyton Manning had to do was chuck it to Dallas Clark, and the Colts were made in the shade. Gibril Wilson, for all the hoopla surrounding him when he came over via free agency, is as useless as a giant heaping pile of moose shit. Yeremiah Bell, for all his hard-hitting ways, is as ineffective as a guy trying to fuck an ostrich when in pass coverage. Dropping sure-fire interceptions and getting absolutely eviscerated by the tight end and what amounts to a rookie second-string receiver during every single crossing pattern earns you a full-fledged car battery enema. Fuck you both royally.  

Jason Taylor and Joey Porter looked old as fuck. They have a combined 204 career sacks (which, coincidentally, is their combined age) between them. Yet they turned in an absolute shit stain of a performance with a combined one tackle for the night. Yes, it was a sack by Peezy. But it was after a Colts offensive line miscue. When it counted most, JT and JP were nowhere to be found. Lost in the Bermuda Triangle of Suck. And when you have rookie corners out there with safeties who couldn't cover Emmanuel Fuckin Lewis, you need all the pressure on the quarterback that you can muster. One tackle between JT and Peezy? Come the fuck on!

And Ted Ginn, please be so kind as to shove an entire beehive right up your anal cavity. Do it twice. You are not now, nor will you ever be, a number one receiver. Some say we shouldn't blame you for being picked ninth overall in the 2007 NFL Draft. But I am. I'm blaming you. You are the face of our perpetual clusterfuck. Fuck you. And fuck Cam Cameron. But most of all, fuck Cam Cameron. And Dolphins brass, can we now finally agree that we have no number one receiver on this offense? It's a passing offense filled with guys who would make excellent number 2 or 3 receivers anywhere else in the league. No superstars = last night's epic fail of a 2-minute drill.

Congratulations, fucksticks. You are now officially in last place in the AFC East.

Fuck my cock.

A Punch To The Stomach. A Glimmer of Hope.

posted by DatRoro Kid

 

That hurt.  A lot.  We know.  Clearly, the 'bend but don't break' defense of last year is not applicable to this year.  Gibril Wilson is incapable of finding good tackling angles.  Akin Ayodele was beat soundly.  Yeremiah Bell was exposed as a TE-covering dilettante.  I get all that.  That's as close as I've ever felt to being a Buffalo fan and I never ever want to experience that again.

But there was a glimmer of hope there.  There was a sign of some identity on offense.  An idea.  An attitude.  It was clear to me tonight - after pacing around my room hyperventilating, staring at the man in the mirror and collecting my thoughts - that this year is what we always thought it would be.  Any surprise wins are bonus.  This is a year about continuing the rebuilding process and progressing.  What I saw was a team that is entirely capable of following the Baltimore/Pittsburgh model and beating the shit out of you.  We are young on offense.  We can be extremely physical.  We are young along the O-line.  We are CLEARLY young at receiver.  Next year, with a full draft focusing on an aging defense that lacks playmaking and 3rd down stoppage ability, there will be something there.  We knew this would be about a 3-year process.  We are young along that D-line and at the corners.  But there will come a time when the Gibril Wilsons, the Yeremiah Bells and even the Jason Taylor's will give way to a crop of young talent.  Our time is coming.  At this point, there have been some personnel missteps by the FO, no doubt.  We just have to be patient.  The job is not yet finised.

More eloquence and analysis from The Dude tomorrow, as per usual.

But for now, hang in there.  On to San Diego....

Chad Pennington badass focus pic from Sun Sentinel

Week 2: Colts at Dolphins Game Thread

Keys To The Game - Colts @ Dolphins

Wow, an actual Monday Night Football game for our Dolphins!!!  And it actually means something (unlike our last MNF homegame) or may actually take place on a semi-playable field (conditions call for weather that may be just a tad bit better than that slopfest in Pittsburgh back in '07)!!!  Goy!!!  We know this is a must-win game for us.  We can't go down 0-2 again and expect to claw our way back with the kind of schedule we have.  Every year, you can expect some teams to stink it up more than originally envisioned by NFL prognosticators.  This year, virtually none of the teams on our schedule - aside from inexplicable Carolina and the offensively inept Jaguars - seem to have that stench about them.  They all seem to be as tough as billed.  So, at home against a banged up Colts team might be the best way to get an early win on a night when that warm, dank South Florida September air will hang over the stadium like a wet towel and will no doubt make the swampiest of asses within Landshark even swampier.

The Keys

• On a night when conditions could vacillate between perfect and sloppy, it is clear that we need to RUN THE FUCKING ROCK more than ever and gash away at that speedy Colts defense.  Given the infield dirt, that's an excellent area to try misdirection plays (WILDCAT! WILDCAT!!) that will force the defense to overpursue and yield big chunks of yards. 
• So OL, I'm not gonna even tell you what you need to do.
• Chad Pennington is not exactly Jake Delhomme but when you look at the numbers (you know, under all that Springsteen stuff), he hasn't exactly had the greatest two game span in NFL history.  Yes, this is an important game for Chad to get back to doing what he does best but we're not ready to tie a few bricks around his ankles and throw him into Lake Okeechobee if things don't go according to plan.  Still, it would be a good night as any to build confidence during primetime after two un-Captain Balls-like performances in a row.
• Stop getting fuckin' cute.  I'm with you on revolutionizing professional offensive football and all but that needs to be more EVOlution than REVOlution (didja see what I did there??!!11?!!!111!!).  If Pat White's in there, I want to see some quick roll-outs that net some positive yardage - be they pass or run.  And for crying out loud, don't try that shit when we've got some good rhythm and momentum going!!
• Ultimate test for our defense in this season's Murderer's Row of douchey, overexposed, fetus-faced QBs.  Not only in communicating effectively in lieu of this asshole's various cadences and phoney audibles, but also in providing tight coverage in the secondary.  No missed tackles.  No missed assignments.  We need a perfect game from the secondary, which essentially means I'd rather not see Vontae out there with the exception of Dime packages.  Fuck platooning him and Sean 'Big Fuckin' Balls' Smith.  Yeremiah will have a monumental task covering Dallas Clark and he needs to better than he was last week.  Oh yea, keep Will Allen on Reggie Wayne.  All the fucking time.
• Defense:  Continue that kickass run stoppage.
• JT and Peezy:  Remove the head off that fetus-faced faggotron.
• Can we just let Patrick Cobbs handle the kickoffs?  Is there not someone out there that can return punts better than Bess?
• Can't understate the importance of the infield dirt in a game where a) conditions may be what Brian Norcross might call 'fucked up', b) against a team that plays on FieldTurf and c) where we did very well during rainy games this preseason.  We need to take advantage of our experience in these elements.  I don't care if Randy Starks was driving in the rain to practice with two Brazilian supermodels snorting coke off his ballsacks, we've got to have a bit of an upperhand with these elements.  It's as close as we'll get to the advantages of a 1pm September home game.

Prediction:  Dolphins 16 - Colts 7.  Conditions might be tricky and we limit Peyton's few experienced offensive weapons.  Also, FUCK THEM.  That's why.

Go Dolphins!

 

Channing Crowder Will 'Bass You Up'

Channing Crowder essentially sent a message to assholes like The Dude and myself this week via his response to Pro Football Talk's Mike Florio and his assessment of our ILB.  As mentioned in the comments, Florio said - in response to Crowder's belief that Florida would 'beat the shit' out of Tennessee and Lane Kiffin - that you could click on a certain CFT link or:

you can Google "Channing" and "Crowder" and "douche" and "bag."

In response to this, Channing said:

"Well, you tell Mike Florio to come to my house and call me a 'douche bag' to my face," Crowder said. "Just tell him to come to [my housing development] and take two lefts and a right and look for the house with the Dodge Ram out front. I'll be waiting there for him and he can call me that to my face and we can talk about it."

The Dude and I would like to go on record right now and unequivocally state the following:

Dear Channing,

We love you.  We love you for fighting the Patriots O-line.  We love you for pretending not to know where London was and what language they spoke there.  We love that your father played for the Dolphins and you were a Dolphins fan growing up.  We love you for your zany antics, your love for Ronnie Brown and your verbal sparring against fat, shit-filled head coaches that have a nice little start and feel like they're sitting on top of 5 supermodels licking their balls and asshole.  We adore you for that.  However, we do have occasional criticism of your diving into plays too late and we hope that this year you will be more of a playmaker.  It's just good for everyone involved.  Should you respectfully decline to play to your potential or create negative plays for the opposing offense, please do not take exception to our occasional 'tough love' jabs.  We neither want you to stick your very strong foot in our ass, nor drive your Dodge Ram truck into our living rooms nor fuck any of our past and future girlfriends with your no-doubt girthy and hate-filled member.  No homo.

Sincerely,

The Dude and DRK

Weekender

 

It's been a long week, Nation. Always is coming after a tough loss. But Week 2 is right around the bend, and the Fins will be hosting their home opener for all the world to see on Monday night when they face the Gay Horses on MNF. Let's not dismiss what a big deal this is. No, not the Gay Horses part. The MNF part. Because of their recent history of being mostly shitty, the Dolphins haven't been on MNF since the Johnson administration. So the fact that their kicking off the home opener on national TV just solidifies the fact that the Dolphins are back!

Look for our Keys to The Game on Monday afternoon. 

We leave you with Weekender girl Josie Maran.  

Here she is at the beach. I think all hot girls should dress this way when they go to the beach. All these magazines and clothing lines that are always trying to find exciting and innovative swimwear for women to wear at the beach just need to stop and ask me. Nothing wrong with a really really tight white business shirt, I'd tell them. You can buy one of these at Wal Mart for like 7 bucks. Ah no one ever listens.

More of Josie here, here and my personal favorite here. Badoinks.

Have a great weekend, Nation!