Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Week 1: Dolphins at Falcons Game Thread

Everybody can relax now. Megan's here. Megan brought us tremendous fortune during the preseason, so it's only appropriate that she represents again here in Week 1. She chose this outfit especially for today. Isn't she so thoughtful? God I love her.  

Anyway.... Some pre-game tidbits:

Pat White is active. Chad Henne is listed as the emergency third-string quarterback. Oh my fuck that's awesome! Does this mean we might be seeing some Jedi Mind Trick action before the day is done? I don't know. But I do know it means the Dolphins love fucking with their opponents' heads.

Feel free to use this as the game thread, although most of you are probably at your local watering hole, getting shitfaced and starting bare knuckle boxing matches with random Minnesota Vikings fans. But feel free to come vent at halftime and after the game. Let's do this. Winning fucking attitudes.

And, as ever, LET'S GO DOLPHINS!!!!!

Weekender: It's Go Time!

It's finally fucking here. The seven months spent in the wilderness is at last at an end. The oasis that is NFL football is upon us. More to the point: the oasis that is Miami Dolphins football is upon us. We get to finally watch our team play their first meaningful regular season game since they asscocked the Jets back in December!! And you cannot beat that with Phillip Merling's dick.

So, as our first game is merely hours away, we call on uber-hot Dolphins cheerleader Lilly Robbins, and summon all the powers of her magnificently wondrous tits, to start us off with a bang and deliver us a Week 1 victory in Shitlanta. I mean, how can her tits not have magical powers? Look at those glorious things! They can cure all the worlds ills. If people, governments, political parties, and world leaders would only look to Lilly's tits, all our problems would be solved! They're awesome. And yet, peace and harmony still alludes us. 

So with that, let us not forget that we have a great power, Nation. And it's our responsibility to take care of that power and make sure that Lilly's tits don't fall in the wrong hands. Except of course if those hands are mine. But fear not. I once saw a movie where a wise old uncle told his young nephew that "with great power comes great responsibility." Or was it, "if there's something strange in your neighborhood who ya gonna call?"

Either way, I think the point I'm making here is that Lilly Robbins has redunkulous tits, and Miami Dolphins football is finally here. Now go have yourself a kick-ass weekend and LET'S GO DOLPHINS!!!!!

Keys To the Game - Dolphins @ Falcons

Holy shit.

Is it really here?

Have we truly arrived?

I can't even believe it...

MIAMI DOLPHINS FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!

 

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

UUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINN

NNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

SSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!1111!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!

Need I say more?

The Keys

• It is imperative to stop Atlanta's 2008 No. 2 ranked rushing offense early and often.  Everyone knows this is a big game for Channing Crowder to kickstart his newly-minted, freshly-signed era with the Fins.  If we can take out Michael Turner and set the edge well with Jason Taylor on the strong side, we can have a good chance of winning this. 
• That being said, I'm not thrilled that the ball will be in Matt Ryan's hands either.  He's a cool, efficient pup that needs to be put on his back quite a few times in order to knock some sense out of him.  However, in the 'lesser of two evils' game I'll take Ryan over that seriously scary rushing attack any day. 
• Get off the fucking field on 3rd downs.  They had a a 43.4% 3rd down success rate last year and we can't let those back breaking plays happen.
• Run the fucking rock.  Use every last cent of those $70 mil guaranteed and run at this defense.  As good as they are at running the ball on offense they are equally bad against the run.
• This is a young defense that has a very young secondary.  Look for Captain Balls to exploit that and look really fuckin' cute doing it.
• Special teams.  I really don't have to say anything else.
• You wanna know another key to the game?  GET FUCKING RIPPED, EAT TONS OF BUFFALO WINGS AND HAVE A FUCKIN' BALL ON SUNDAY BECAUSE IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON!!!!

All that and more delicious info here.

Prediction:  Dolphins 24 - Falcons 13.  No chance, you faggotronic fuckos.  Take your Peachtree St. bullshit and fuck two dead pitbulls with it, you shitass Coca Cola-sponsored town.

Let's do this shit.

GO DOLPHINS!

 

Presenting: The 2009 J.R. Tolver Award

posted by DatRoro Kid

 

 

Sound of Trumpets Blaring...A Medieval Procession featuring Much Gaiety throughout The Land...Streamers, Celebration...Did I mention Gaiety?...Really Gay....Everyone is joyous for the Proclamation is Upon Us.

The Constable, Lieutenant Dick Joke, looked down upon his scroll, adopted a pompous Brit accent and thus spake:

(Ahem)

It is with great pleasure and aplomb that we here at FinsNation bestow upon one Patrick Turner of USC by way of Nashville, Tennessee the highly-coveted, much-desired, greatly-revered honor of the 2009 J.R. Tolver Memorial Award for Wide Receivers That Will Get You All Excited About Them During OTAs and Training Camp Only To Do Absolutely Nothing In The Actual Regular Season.

 

  

(crowd erupts in cheering)

While true that past winners of this prestigious honor were certainly more productive than Sir Turner, we here at FinsNation took into account Sir Turner's excellent record of underachievement, ruined potential and overall 'letting people down' over the course of his athletic career in high school, college and now the pros to declare him our winner over curious - though valiant - challengers such as Sir Brandon London, Sir Chris Williams and the eneffable Sir Todd Lowber.  Sir Brian Hartline was never in consideration as he is only a 4th-round pick and there is a very good chance that he may not, erm...suck.

(crowd erupts in cheering)

In closing, we present thee, Sir Patrick Turner, with this most vaunted award for your useless rankings coming out of high school, your expected potential in college, your excellent Spring showing prior to the 2007 season, your somehow being second to a fucking TE in yardage on your team during that same season, your overall underachievement in college, your impressive OTA progress, the various 'feeling' that South Florida area writers had for you early on in training camp, your virtual and eventual disappearance from the field altogether, your intriguing 3 catches for 33 yards in the preseason game vs. Jacksonville and then your subsequent not-so-intriguing 4 catches for 32 yards over the next 3 preseason games.

Congratulations, Sir Patrick!!!

Cheering, Celebrations, Women Raped, Villages Pillaged, Ecosystems Tarnished Forever, Entire Newly-formed Civilizations Crumbling upon the Announcement...

WHO RIDE!: Your 2009 Miami Dolphins Preview

 

The NFL season finally kicks off tonight! The defending AFC East champions start their season on the road this Sunday in Atlanta! Are your nipples as hard as mine and DRK's? I thought so! Many questions surround the Dolphins this season, let's get to it:

So, will the Dolphins repeat as AFC East champions?
I don't think so.

Fuck you!!!! What the fuck?! Fuck you!!!!
My heart says yes, but my brain says no. And there are several reasons for this.

Fuck you and your brain!
Just hear me out.... First off -- yes, the Dolphins schedule scares me a little. Not as much as it scares most "experts." But still. Also, the Patriots are going to be a major threat to our chances of a repeat. Again, not as much as the mainstream media that lives to suck their cock say, but still. It's not impossible. But it'll be very hard.

Heh... "lives to suck their cock." FUCK THOSE FUCKING FUCKSTICKS!!!!
Uh... yea. Anyway, the Patriots offense is just sick. Randy Moss makes that machine go. But, if Brady goes down again - and that's always a good possibility because he's been a pretty fragile douche lately - then we're golden. My point is, while most say they're Super Bowl bound, their defense is a mess. And that always leaves an opening.

I'm listening.
Well if we can blitz the shit out of them, and if we've learned to contain their spread, then we'll at least split our season series. And that's all we need. However, they do have just a tad more firepower than we do.

Hurmph...okay. I feel better. A little bit, anyway. Sorry I said fuck you. That was rude of me.
No problem.

But what about the playoffs? Will we make the playoffs?
Yes. Yes we will. Most likely via the Wildcard. But so what? The Jets and Bills will both finish below us in the division. Then we just have to take care of business against the Jaguars and Texans while the Steelers beat up the Ravens.

Oh fucks yea!
Yep.

Do you think Chad Pennington will have another great year?
I do. But it comes with a caveat.

Oh fuck yea!!! Wait. What's a cavear?
A caveat. It means something that comes with a warning or caution. While Captain Balls will have another good year, I'm afraid it's going to be because of a porous running game, forcing us to throw more than we intend to.

The fuck, man?
Well, last year's run blocking was pretty crappy. And while we made some adjustments here and there this offseason, it still didn't look all that great in the preseason. I just don't have confidence in our running game, is all. I really hope I'm wrong. Either way, we do have the Wildcat and we do have a pretty solid no-name receiving corps and Pennington is pretty special.

Hrm. Well, what about the defense? Will they be kick-ass or what?
I think our front seven is being vastly underrated. It's a little aged in some spots, but JT and Peezy are going to be game wreckers. And I think Cameron Wake will surprise some people. Of course depth is always key. But if we stay healthy, we're going to give quarterbacks fits.

What about our secondary?
Hmmm.... well....

What?
Well. I'm worried about our secondary. Mainly because we have rookies out there. Sure, Sean Smith is a bad motherfucker.....

Don't you mean a Big Heaping Sack of Balls!!??
Exactly! He's that. And more. I LOVE that kid. But he's going to have his share of down times, as a rookie is wont to do. As will Vontae. Our safeties can knock the shit out of anyone. But they're not the greatest when it comes to speed. And Gibril Wilson was a no-show in the preseason. It's a toss up. We have some tough passing offenses to try and stop this season. But, if our front seven does its job, then they will cover up a multitude of sins.

Well fuck, man. You're so down on our team. You make me sad. I'd like to punch you in the dick.
No. I'm not. Look, I think we're a very good team. Better than what most are saying about us. Like I said, I think we have to keep in mind that winning the division is going to be very, very difficult. Not impossible. But much more difficult than last year. But, I do think we'll make the playoffs. That's all that matters, really. And if we can stay healthy, like we did last year, we'll make some noise in the postseason. We're on our way, man. I feel good about it. It's a tough hill to climb, but we have the tools to climb it!

You're a tool.
C'mon. Don't be like that.

Fuck my craw.
Seriously. I'm just telling it like it is. In fact, I think we can win 9 to 10 games, even in our tough division and even with our tough schedule.

Eat my shit.
Guh.

What does DRK have to say about the 2009 Dolphins?
Funny you should ask. He's been here the whole time! DRK?.....

DRK's Take:

• DRK's Foundation 'T' (patent pending).  Age and experience up the middle on both sides of the ball.  The fundamental characteristic of any good team.  Can Channing Crowder elevate his play to be a more dependable and play-making middle linebacker?  Can Akin Ayodele continue his own progress? To complement the age/experience up the middle, The Trifecta has injected youth, talent and (in the case of the offensive line) quite a bit of money along the lines.  This is progress we need to monitor closely as we continue to build the team towards a perennial contender in the aftermath of the Wannstedt/Saban/Cameron shitshow.  Can Merling emerge from his 'poor practice player' stigma?  Can Kendall Langford make the great leap and burst through the rookie wall with true Major Lazer awesomeness?  Can the O-line finally gel together, create huge running lanes and justify the huge investment?
• Can Pat White justify 2nd round selection with 5 or more TDs?  He needs to produce THIS year on some level in order to justify his selection at that point in time with so many other glaring needs.
• Can the Wildcat evolve quickly enough before defenses can consistently shut it down and render it obsolete?  This ties in perfectly with Point #2.
• This was clearly Jeff Ireland's draft.  How will this year's more 'sexy' draft picks fare in a year that was considered by many to be another year that would focus on continuing to build depth in the trenches?  Can those draft picks translate into playmakers that limit long drives on either side of the ball?

Personally, I don't expect much from this year.  Considering strength of schedule, the expected return of the Patriots juggernaut and a reduced surprise element I prefer to be a bit bearish.  If we can show continued progress, depth from our younger guys and visible improvement during what I think will be a much more challenging year, I'll be fairly pleased.  I think we're going to be very competitive and be right in this thing until the very end but my expectations remain a bit low.  It's probably better when we're wrong anyway.

DRK's 2009 Prediction: 9-7
The Dude's 2009 Preditction Prediction (fuck you fingers!!): 9-7

Dolphins Impart Zen-Like Wisdom

posted by DatRoro Kid

I'm usually not a big fan of motivational books and slogans.  I tend to think that's total robotic bullshit but nestled in Omar's latest post about the lackluster locker room digs, one can find that the TITS posse is all about this mumbo jumbo:

The Dolphins Regulators:::: Discipline, Communication, Punctuality, Accountability, Unselfishness, Class Room, Weight Room.

I assume those are the ingredients needed to be Sparano's "Tough, Smart, Disciplined" team.

On another wall there's: POWER::::Prepare, Overcome, Win, Every, Round

On the back wall:::: Miami Dolphins Players Have The Make Up.

By the makeup they mean the desire to eat and sleep football, and play through pains and injuries. That's the Trifecta way.

And hanging on the Manhattan side of the locker room is the most important mantra::::The Strength Of The Team Is In Each Individual Member....The Strength of Each Individual member Is In The Team.

 I once had a boss that had motivational posters not-so-similar to the one above and my teenaged sister used to actually rock these in her room for a while.  Tranquil photos with emphatic, empowering slogans.  Neither one of them is today the head coach of the best goddamn football team on the planet or "Barney" from How I Met Your Mother.  Still, all football teams use these ridiculous slogans to varying degrees.  We can remember Wannstedtian lobster traps, Edwardsian 'Welcome to Training Camp' stenciled posters and all the ridiculous mumbo-jumbo that Marvin Lewis uses to somehow wield power within the orchestral cacophony that is the Cincinnati Bengals.  They are neither here nor there.

I will say, though, if you're going to have some cheezy motivational slogans all around you could do much worse than the ones our beloved team uses. 

Aside from that, that blog post gave me a chance to post this Cool Dog poster.  I mean, stare into that face for a while.  I dare you.

Channing Crowder To End His Trademark "Jumping Into A Pile After the Play is Over" Move

 

 We've made a lot of fun of Channing Crowder and his penchant for jumping in on a pile well after the play is over round here. But this year, he's on a mission. Namely, to stop fucking doing that.

Bill Parcells, has tried to break Crowder of his habit of freelancing rather than playing within the defensive scheme.

"Parcells talks to me a lot about it, to be honest," Crowder said. "He always says, 'Don't go out there playing street ball.' He'll say it Thursday or Friday, 'Don't go out there playing street ball now.'

"I'll give him a little laugh."

I imagine Bill Parcells wants to stick a foot in Channing Crowder's ass when the guy laughs at him. But it's important to keep in mind that Channing Crowder is a goofy motherfucker and will pretty much laugh at anything anyone says to him. But when it's all said and done, he listens. He'd better, anyway. Our first game is against Atlanta's Michael Turner, and if Channing can do his job, make a play, and not jump on the pile well after Turner's gained 12 yards on a run, everything else will fall into place defensively. So I think the message is simple: Listen to Parcells, or end up with an ass full of Parcells' foot. It's a lesson for all the kids out there, really.

[Palm Beach Post]

Big Heaping Sack of Balls Is Now #24

 

I know a lot of you disagree with me, but I'm not a huge fan of Vontae Davis. Never was. Although I do embrace him as a Dolphin, I would have rather seen us take a receiver with the first round pick and then taken Sean Smith in the second. They listened to me about Sean Smith. Not so much about the receiver. It's all good. VD is good at covering the run. I get it. I haven't seen evidence of that, but I get it.

But you cannot deny the fact that Sean Smith has outplayed VD in every way so far this preseason. In fact, he's so PWNED Vontae that now he's gone and taken his number.

That's right, Vontae. Fuck you. Gimme your number.

Sean Smith is now #24, while Vontae has switched to #21.

All Sean needs to do now is grow a mustache and the transformation from Sean Smith, second-round pick of the Miami Dolphins to Sean Smith, Conqueror of Nations, Lover of Women & Ambassador of Badassery! will be complete.

Matt Ryan is Sick

 

 Just in case you need a reminder: Bill Parcells is The Cockpuncher. And he is all powerful. How powerful? Let's recap:

First, because he doesn't want his players distracted by tweeting, he went and broke Twitter. Then, displeased by the Dolphins lackadaisical performance in the first quarter of their preseason game against the Bucs, he called down thunder and lightning from the skies, causing a 45 minute delay. Now it seems that he may have created the swine flu virus in his underground bunker, because Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan left practice today due to illness.

Holy fuck!

Besides a racehorse and maybe an Arby's Large Beef 'n Cheddar value meal, there's clearly nothing that can stop The Cockpuncher. He's like a Godzilla with mantits, and our NFL opponents are thousands of fleeing Japanese!!!

Fins Cut Roster Down to 53, Four of Which Are Shockingly Tight Ends

 

Well, cut-down Saturday came and went. And other than me waking up next to a girl who coincidentally vaguely resembled Tila Tequila, there were no real surprises this weekend. Weapon Lex made the team. As did Quentin Moses. Know who else made the team? A whole shitload of tight ends! Except for David Martin.

The Dolphins placed Martin on injured reserve with a bad knee, while picking up rookie tight end Devon Drew off waivers. Drew was a fifth-round pick of the Ravens this year out of East Carolina. He caught 78 balls for 1,078 yards and 8 TDs in his college career.

So now we've got Drew, John Nalbone, Anthony Fasano, and Joey Haynos as our tight ends.

Why four tight ends you ask? Some would say it's because Bill Parcells is preparing to take over the world with his army made up solely of tight ends. But four tight ends does not make an army, so that theory is idiotic. Fact is, Parcells has four tight ends because he wants them to meld together to forge one super galactic tight end. Like a Mark Bavaro Voltron, which will be used for good and not evil!