Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Weekender: Howl at the Munn Edition!

posted by DatRoroKid

 Well, kids, it’s been another fun and exciting week here at FinsNation.  Between fighting WordPress and laughing at big bad Jets quotes, we’re always having a ball.  Halloween falls on a Saturday this year and by golly that’s as great a reason as any to have some miscellaneous drunk sex with random girl at party/bar/event of your choosing dressed up as a slutty (insert occupation here).  God, I love Slut-o’-ween.  Isn’t it the best?  It’s Christmas for your cock!!!  Even though I hate places like the Grove and (now in NYC) the West Village, you ABSOLUTELY have to go to these places in order to feast your eyes upon all the young college trim ready to show off their gym-hardened bodies to any and all sickos.  It’s the fuckin’ best!!!  So buck up, grab a flask or two of your preferred hard liquor and go to your city’s central slut factory.  If you’re in Miami, you better hit up the Grove for AT LEAST an hour and just take in all those wonderful sluts.  They worked hard for YOU and it would be an injustice if you didn’t take mental pictures to - at the very least – masturbate to later.  It’s your duty AS A MAN.

This week’s Weekender Girl is G4’s Olivia Munn.  The Dude asked me to take over Weekender duties and I naturally asked him for a girl.  He practically begged for Olivia.  Not only does Olivia have a kickass name (seriously, if you met a girl at a bar and she tells you her name is ‘Olivia’, your cock is likely to curl up like a cochlea), is half Caucasian-Vietnamese (making her extra special Full Metal Jacket-ish) but she’s a seriously hot piece of ass.  Her Wikipedia page states that she’ll be in the next Iron Man movie and that she spent a considerable amount of time growing up in the Shinjuku district of Japan.  I spent a few days there myself back in 2002 and that place is fucking INSANE.  It’s like Times Square x 10,000.  Just writing about it reminds me of the excitement of ’scramble crossing’ (which I could never get right and got honked at by motorists on more than one occasion),  the countless fucking annoying video games that blare out onto the street and the absolutely shady Iranian guys you have to deal with for some outrageously priced weed.  You know, if you’re into that sort of thing and all.  You will never see so many people in your goddamn life.  In addition, the place is thriving with young, hot Japanese ass so much so that my travel buddies and I practically nudged each other to death from pointing out hot chicks.  It makes sense Olivia spent some time there.  More pics below.  Enjoy Olivia and enjoy the weekend.

 

Olivia on the left kissing some chick

 Wonder Woman Boneriffic!

Keys To The Game: Dolphins @ Jets

 posted by DatRoro Kid

 

It’s been 3 weeks and here we are again playing our hated rivals the New York Stinkin’ Fartbombs.  There’s been a ton of trash talk all week -  mostly non-sensical and laughably one-sided – so now it’s time to go into the Meadowlands at 1pm Sunday and kick some Jets ass.

Keys To The Game:

• - Ignore the back and forth and just play football.  I don’t want to see any histrionics prior to this game.  Smart, tough, and disciplined football should be consistent all week.  I don’t want to see Peezy running his mouth at anyone or walking through their warmups.  Let’s save all our badass attitude and strutting for the field.  Let the Jets get wrapped up in this moment.  We’ve already beaten them and we know how.  We’ve got a good football team and we’re better than those faggots.
• - Receiver Redemption.  Last week was a pussyfart of menstrual proportions in the receiving game.  We need Fasano, Bess, Hartline and, yes, even the Bee Evader to have big games.  We are again facing a formidable cornerbacking tandem.  If there was ever a time to make a statement, this is it.  Teddy has scored touchdowns for us the last two times we’ve faced these guys.  Let’s continue that momentum on Sunday.
• - The weather seems remarkably tame for this time of year so our defense needs to be extra sharp against Hot Dog Boy.  The picks are going to be there so we have to make sure to snatch ‘em.  Turnovers will be at a premium in this game.  We need that advantage.
• - I’m counting on our great rushing defense to again set the edge against rookie Shonn Greene.  This guy was huge for them last weekend against Oakland – BUT THAT WAS FUCKING OAKLAND.  We need to shut that little shit DOWN in order to force Hot Dog Dick to beat us.  They will not win without a running game.
• - Fuck Rex Ryan with the Empire State Building and a fat sandwich.  Sling him over your back, climb up the 86 floors and perch his big fat ass right on the spire at the top.  This is not really a ‘key to the game’ per se; I just want someone to do this.
• - I know there’s been a lot of back and forth about whether we get off the Wildcat or not.  I say:  if it ain’t broke, DON’T FIX IT.  They can’t stop it.  He lacks the talent and personnel that he had in Baltimore.  Yes, the Saints ’stopped it’ but we’re going to come back angrier and more determined to make it work.  They cannot win if we are consistently beating the shit out of them at the line of scrimmage.  Yes, I want to see Pat White and, yes, I want to take the training wheels off of Chad Henne as well but if we’re ‘feeding the studs’ we go with Ronnie and Ricky.  Those guys are our playmakers.  You don’t take the ball away from them.
• - Please use Ted Ginn, Jr. as a punt returner and kickoff guy.  Don’t be surprised if he – gasp! – plays a big part this week.  Things have been oddly quiet around him (despite the media blitz) and maybe this is a good time as any to do something really special.  Hey.  Stop laughing.  I’m serious!!  Fine.
• - Our rookie corners are both starting this game and it’s a tough matchup against Fagface Model Boy and Cotchery.  Edwards killed Will Allen and Vontae Davis in the last game.  I really hope they drape Sean Smith all over him like some mink coat he probably wears when he goes out at New York City because that’s oh so fashionable.  Fuck Braylon Edwards.
• - Please Pasqualoni:  BRING FUCKING PRESSURE THROUGHOUT THE GAME.  Last week was another case where there was not nearly enough pressure.  That game was the story of two games:  the first half where we consistently brought pressure via safety blitzes and more exotic coverages vs the second half where we sit back and let Brees pick us apart in our weak spot down the middle.  We cannot let this happen again.  We must bring Yeremiah in MORE blitzes and have Culver cover the back end with Wilson in a blitzing nickel package.  Yeremiah Bell cannot cover but he can beat the living shit out of Hot Dog Dipshit Face.

As per usual with this rivalry, it’s going to be a knock down, drag-your-face-through-mud sorta fight.  It will come down to the 4th Quarter.  Finishing the game with our offense on the field is absolutely key.  We need to get on a roll here before New England.

Prediction:  Dolphins 55 – Jets 3

Why?  Because fuck you, you moronic troglodytic shitbags.  Your team sucks.  Your fans are stupid.  You should have chosen the Giants growing up considering how much more accomplished and classy they are. 

More here.

Go Dolphins!

…And Bart Scott Continues The Moron Parade

After Rex Ryan and Shaun Ellis laid down the smack, it was time for Bart Scott to hit the mic and deliver the kind of trash talking that only fans of Carlos Mencia and Jeff Dunham can appreciate.

Scott said he wants to take Chad Henne out on Sunday:

“I want to hit him and get him out of there,” Scott told The New York Daily News. “That’s for anybody who touches the football, period. It’s that type of game. Write it down however you want to write it down.”

Write it down however you want? You mean like in Aramaic? Or with a crayon? Jesus, can’t you fucktarts make your nonsensical trash talking at least a little bit entertaining or amusing or funny. You guys are a trash talking miracle. You have none of those things.

And wasn’t this guy supposed to be the missing piece to the Jets defense’s world dominance? Wasn’t he supposed to bring Ray Lewis-like devastation to opponents and tilt the balances of the AFC East with extreme prejudice?

So far Bart Scott has 31 tackles on the season.

That’s on par with Gibril Wilson.

My dick has more tackles on the season than Bart Scott. I’m not sure what that means, but it makes for a kickass pickup line. Amarite, ladies???

Zombie Goth Jets Fan Increases His Offer in Exchange for a Jets Victory

posted by DatRoro Kid

 

Why, Satan?!?!?!

Our cum-guzzling QB was exposed against those Northern NY has-beens. Our large, fat Hell beast is now out for the rest of this season. And now, our spry jizz-satyr no longer dances and prances throughout the field with his gay harp and belly full of your warm demon seed.

WHY SATAN?!?!?!! WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO FORSAKE ME AND NOT HEED MY DEATH HOWL?!?!?!

What must I do in order to receive yet another in the long line of poor officiating and bullshit penalties that have been called on this formidable opponent? Why, just last week, there were two erroneous calls made by your evil zebra minions that resulted directly in points scored by the team in Copper and Black.

AND YET THIS TEAM GOES BY THE NAME OF ‘THE SAINTS’?!?!?! HOW DARE YOU AID THEM IN VICTORY AND NOT US?!?!?!

My Lord, I promise thee yet more cum-guzzling by all Jets fans. You are laughing because you deem it impossible that we could gulp more – BUT WE CAN. Our hunger for your spawn is insatiable!! You know that we have no pity or pedigree. WE WILL GLADLY DRINK FROM THE STEM OF OUR OWN FATHERS!!! Will this appease thee, Dark One? Or shall I demand that they all buy Ed Hardy T-shirts, old Stussy shorts and Crocs and make this their permanent attire whilst hanging out on the Jersey Shore and date-raping unsuspecting young women? No, no, no!!! I will not be denied. If that will not suffice, then I will present you with the most moronic, fairweather, stupid, consistently-disappointed-yet-unflinchingly-mentally-base fans that will NEVER question your whim. They will weep with delight when asked to suck from your poisonous pistil. They will gladly slurp every last drop of your fiery elixir. THEY ARE SO FUCKING STUPID AND THEIR TEAM IS SO VOMITORIOUSLY LOUSY THAT THE VERY NAME JETS WILL BE SYNONYMOUS WITH SATAN, HITLER, STALIN, JEFFREY DAHMER, AND EVERY SINGLE THING THAT IS DESPICABLE AND DEFINITIVELY UNHUMAN ABOUT THIS UNFORTUNATE PLANET. THEIR STENCH WILL BE INSTANTLY NOTICEABLE ON ANY CITY STREET – WORSE THAN 1,000 HOMELESS MEN THAT HAVE NOT SHOWERED FOR A DECADE. I VOW TO YOU, SATAN, THAT THEY WILL BE A DARK STAIN UPON HUMANITY AND ONLY ONE FORCE CAN EFFECTIVELY DESTROY THEM. 

Gasp! I fear we have no chance against this unstoppable force, oh Dark Heathen of the Forever Night…

Sigh.

 

Two weeks after having their asses handed to them by your Miami Dolphins, Rex Ryan and his sphincter eating  team are talking shit again. Since they have pretty much nothing on us, they have to invent ways to amp  themselves up for Sunday. So, they’re using the way the Dolphins celebrated a game-winning touchdown as motivation.

“When Ronnie Brown scored (with six seconds left) and he was doing that little Dolphin dance, oh, that irked the (crap) out of me,” DE Shaun Ellis told The Daily News, adding, “Seeing how they celebrated, I was looking for stuff to come out of the sky. I thought I just played in the Super Bowl.” Said CB Darrelle Revis: “We saw that. We took heed of that … It was a game we let slip by. We feel we’re the better team – up and down, special teams, offense, defense, no matter what.”

Holy shit, really, Darrelle!? You took heed of an opponent celebrating a last-second game-winning touchdown? Holy shitburgers! You’re so astute and eagle-eyed!

Never the fuck mind Mark Sanchez running around like a complete fucking tool, pumping his fists and shouting like a banshee as if he had just been awarded 80,000 virgins for the afterlife after every… single… touchdown the Jets score. And Shaun Ellis, really? The Super Bowl? Yea, that would be stupid and arrogant. No way should any respectable team treat any regular season game like it’s the Super Bowl.

And then, of course, there’s Jabba the Rex himself.

Looking to do something between eating frosting from a can and taking monster 3 and half hour shits, Ryan dug up this Ronnie Brown quote and somehow mangled it into making it sound like Ronnie is talking trash:

“Coming into the game we’re watching how they blitz and we were like, ‘Okay, we’ll just sit back and play football then and let’s see who has the tougher 11 people on the field.’”

Ryan read this evil imperious quote by Ronnie Brown to his team in the locker room yesterday. Keep in mind that Ronnie said this before the first game two weeks ago. Yea, because nothing motivates me like reminding me how someone talked a little trash before kicking my ass and then went and kicked my ass.

It would be funny if it wasn’t so godamned insufferably retarded.

At this point, it’s become pretty much useless to get worked over this kind of thing. Because, as well all know, Rex Ryan is Buddy Ryan’s son, and there’s just a little bit too much chlorine in that gene pool. It’s like when your dog eats her own vomit. What can you do but teach it not to do that. Sometimes you have to be tough. But, at the end of the day, she knows she’s your bitch and that you own her. It just takes time and patience. 

Yes, Sunday’s game will be intense. And the troglodytes will be in full force cheering and spelling their team name over and over again. It’ll be a hostile environment. And we should all really be shitting our pants at the big bad trash talking Jets. You know, just like we were on December 28 of last year. And just like we were two weeks ago on Monday Night Football.

We Might Be Seeing Less and Less of Ted Ginn. Maybe. Hopefully.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen is reporting that Ted Ginn will officially start seeing less and less playing time. And that if the trade deadline had been this week, rather than last week, the Fins would be actively shopping him around (incidentally, I’m not sure why that is. It’s not like Ginn didn’t suck gorilla balls before last week).  I don’t know how true this report is. Mortensen is supposedly pals with Parcells, so there must be some grain of truth in there. Either way, I hope it’s true. Because I really have grown tired of Ted Ginn Jr. And by that, I mean I hope a piano falls on his head. And when he gets up, his teeth are the piano keys like in Tom & Jerry. And then when he tries to stand up, he gets run over by a steamroller. With spikes. And Chinese throwing stars. And that the steamroller stops, backs up, and runs him over again 75,000,000 times. And then the steamroller explodes. The end.

Ted Ginn has become more than just a guy who has passes bounce off his hands like he were Karch fuckin Kiraly. He’s an unmitigated disaster in every possibly way imaginable. He is the waking epitome of past regimes’ utter and complete failure to do anything right or competent at any point. Throw Ginn’s atrocious game from this Sunday in with Drew Brees going apeshit on our secondary, and it all becomes clear. Sunday’s loss was one giant “Fuck you!” left to us by Cam Cameron and Nick Saban.

Brees could have easily been throwing for 298 yards and a TD for us on Sunday. Ted could have easily been having footballs bounce off his hands for anyone but us on Sunday. Saban deciding to go with Daunte Culpepper over Brees in the 2005 off-season and Cameron’s decision to go with Ginn over, well, anybody else, in the 2007 NFL draft came back with a vengeance on Sunday. Saban’s idiotic arrogance and Cameron’s moronic relationship with the Ginn Family collided over LandShark Stadium on Sunday and rained down hail-sized turds of Biblical proportions over all our heads. It was the perfect storm of fucktardedness.

Meanwhile, check out my man Scott’s Top Ten Ways Ted Ginn Can Give Back to The City of Miami over at Miami New Times.

Looks Who’s Gonna Have to Put On His Bigboy Pants a Little Early

So aside from losing Sunday’s game after leading it by 21-points, and watching as Darren Sharper continues to make a case for Defensive Player of the Year, while the guy we chose to sign over him, Gibril Wilson, makes a case for Dolphin Player We’d Most Like to See Get Mauled By a Bear, there’s the news that CB Will Allen is done for the season with a torn ACL. And now, ready or not, the Fins are going to have to go with the two rookies, Vontae Davis and Sean Smith, as the starting corners for the rest of the season.

How it will work out with both as starters stumps even coach Tony Sparano. “I don’t know. I don’t really know if they’re equipped for 10 games in a row of doing full-time duty without having Will Allen out there with those two guys being able to play 60-40, or whatever it was that we were going with those guys,” Sparano said. “But I would say this: They’re both in good shape, and they’re both smart players, don’t have a lot of mental errors, they both like football, they like to compete.”

Yoinks. I want to feel confident about this. I do. But Jesus, this blows. It only makes what has already been a shitty week that much shittier.

Why oh why am I so inextricably tied to this fucking team? I should have been a Dungeons & Dragons nerd. They care not for sports. They feel no pain. They also never get to see or touch real-life tits, but still. It’s a frustration-free lifestyle that begins with 20-sided dice and magical gnomes, and ends with living in your mother’s basement while your 14 cats feast on her rotting corpse in the upstairs bedroom. It’s just a simpler existence if you ask me.

Salma Hayek’s Teardrop Mams Are Here to Kill the Sadness

posted by DatRoro Kid

I was just at a Burger King picking up one of those excellent $1 double cheeseburgers while yesterday’s highlights played on some 42″ Hi-Def TV up on the wall.  While I munched what should have been a most excellently delicious double cheesie, I watched in horror as the Dolphins failed to make play after play in the second half all over again.  I let out an audible groan and emailed The Dude about what I had just done.  He called me a masochist and then we proceeded to name another one of yesterday’s shithurlers in Yeremiah Bell.  It’s nice when he’s covering the middle and playing like a wannabe LB, knocking people out and such but his coverage skills are absolute garbage.  Appauling.

If you see a hot chick with big tits on this site, you know yesterday didn’t go so well.  So here’s to hoping that whatever sensory neurons responding to stimuli within your cerebral cortex will be able to somehow slightly cancel out the short term memory cells that have made last night and today such a straight up fucking BUMMER.  As with our beloved team, the 24-hour rule is shortly in effect and let’s focus on the personnel talent issues we have on our Jekyll/Hyde team and focus on the unsavory opponents that await us in the Meadowlands.  Fuck the Jets and their fans and all that.

Harrumph.

A Complete and Utter Clusterf*ck, In Picture Form

Speechless.

Except, of course, if the speech is: “What the fuck, Dolphins!? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!???”

We’d also like to add that it would be in everybody’s interest if Ted Ginn Jr. would go get fucked with a hedge trimmer. And if Anthony Fasano can go ahead and eat himself a dick sandwich on rye, that would work too.

Calvin Pace Has Got It All Figured Out

Some of you might have heard that illegal performance-enhancement taker Jets linebacker Calvin Pace, in typical New York Jets fashion, instead of accepting defeat at the hands of a better team, decided to whine and bitch and make excuses for the complete and utter reaming he and his shitmates were handed them by the Miami Dolphins on Monday night. Pace called the Wildcat “nonsense” (oooh! zinger!) and said he didn’t respect it. “We’re in the NFL,” Pace said. “Don’t come here with that nonsense.”

So to recap, taking steroids is perfectly fine. Running a legal and traditional offensive formation, not so much.

Oh and Bart Scott also called the formation a gimmick. Jets DT Kris Jenkins said this about it: “We got a dose of shut-up.”

Funny how the one guy that makes Pace and Scott relevant in that defense is the one who is smart enough and classy enough to man-up and accept defeat like a man, as opposed to say, cry like a 16 year-old girl who just got felt up at the movies. Without Jenkins, Scott and Pace are just two guys. With Jenkins clogging shit up and taking on offensive linemen, Scott and Pace are able to make plays. So, you might say Kris Jenkins is a gimmick, if we’re all going to put on our retard hats and start throwing excuses around.

Anyway, today the Dolphins players were finally able to respond to Pace’s imbecility:

Jason Ferguson:  “I got nothing for Calvin. I don’t even know that dude. I’ll let him have his battle with the Wildcat. It looks like he lost already.”

Justin Smiley: “We’re not running Statue of Liberties out of Wildcat. We’re running base and power. You have to stop it. You have to stop it, and until you stop it, nothing’s going to change. That’s the way we approach it. One-on-one, man-on-man, and whatever anybody wants to say about it, that’s their opinion. But until you stop it, nothing’s going to change.”

Ronnie Brown: “He has his own opinion and the biggest comment on that is we’re all afraid of what we do not understand.”

Channing Crowder: “They nonsensed their ass all the way up and down the field. Nonesense, I love nonsense. They say gimmick, gimmick this, gimmick that. We’ve won games with the Wildcat. They ran two fake punts. So if you’re going to say gimmicks, those are real gimmicks. Wildcat is an offensive formation, they run it for two years. They have thousands of plays on film about it, go stop it.”

The Dude: “Take another performance enhancing pill, give your boy Bart a nice reach-around in the shower and fuck each other with a loofah.”

DRK: “Eat shit and die.”

By the way, NFL Network will be rebroadcasting the Monday Night Beatdown tonight at 8PM (EST).