posted by DatRoro Kid
From this month's GQ cover story, Mad Men's January Jones. The Dude and I agreed that she's one of the most beautiful girls maybe fucking ever and I'm pretty sure she single-handedly started this whole Blonde Phase I've been going through since early this year. If you read the interview, she loves beer, gets drunk, loves football, was a stoner in high school and is dressing up as either Polamalu or Housh for Halloween this year. That sound you just heard was The Dude and I trying to contain ourselves from flooding a whole city in jizm.
We figured you deserved a good reward to cap off an awesome day filled with great love and comments for our team. All Dolphins fans feel as fucking light and beautiful as January Jones looks up there. To quote the band Pavement: 'It's a brand new era / It feels great."
Victory Mondays/Tuesdays are awesome.
Well, that was fucking awesome.
It was the one game circled on the schedule after that roasted pig and mayonnaise inhaling fuck of a coach starting spewing shit about Channing Crowder from his horse cock sucking mouth. The one game those fucks in New York had circled ever since we handed them their own asses IN New York last December for the AFC East championship. It was a battle of attrition. It was an apocalyptic throw down of Biblical proportions. And like all Biblical battles, good overcame evil. Because evil is gay and roots for the Jets.
They said Rex Ryan had the kryptonite to stop the Wildcat. They said the vaunted unstoppable impenetrable Jets defense was going to make Ronnie Brown obsolete and force Chad Henne to win the game. They said we had no chance.
But the Fins told They to go eat a bowl of duck vaginas, because nothing was going to keep them from a victory. And by 'nothing' we mean a shitload of adversity. The Dolphins overcame two fake punts, several Are You Fucking Shitting Me??? calls by the officials, overcame Ron Jaworski's constant disparaging of the Wildcat (though it was tough for him to speak coherently, what with Mark Sanchez's balls in his mouth and all), and they overcame their own mistakes in the secondary (seriously, I'm done with Gibril Wilson. Fuck that guy).
How? Moxie and balls, my friends. Moxie and balls. And a fuckload of Ronnie Brown.
Black Thunder has been a motherfucking tank lately. And last night, even more so - plowing through Jets defenders, shitting in Derell Revis' mouth, pissing in Kris Jenkin's earhole and shoving a fist into Calvin Pace's ass, reaching into his stomach contents, and yanking out a fistful of steroids, waving them in Pace's face and saying, "Why even bother taking these, muthafucka? I own your ass either way!" all before crashing into the endzone for two touchdowns.
The offensive line absolutely mauled the Jets front seven, giving Chad time to throw, and opening holes for Ronnie and Ricky all night long. Also, Ted Ginn Jr. gets the cigar and double-hooker special for that 53-yard TD grab. Nice job, Teddy. We love you again. You beehive rattling motherfucker!
And then there was The Robot. Listen, even I had my doubts about the kid coming into this game. I seriously thought he was going to get rattled, shaken and confused into mistakes and early throws - much like the Jets D forced Brady and Brees to do. But silly me. Brady and Brees are human. Chad Henne is a motherfucking ROBOT. He not only shred the "amazing" Jets secondary, going 20-24 with 241 yards and 2 touchdowns, but the guy was just throwing fucking darts left and right, none more impressive than the absolute laser he hit Greg Camarillo with to go 1st and Goal with 30 seconds left in regulation. Nipples! Hard!
And the Fins couldn't have closed it out any more perfect. Everyone on the planet knew it was coming. With a mere 10 seconds to go, down by 3, they lined up in the Wildcat, Ronnie as the trigger man, offensive line frothing at the mouth, and Rex Ryan's vaunted defense ready to make that legend-making goal line stand because, after all, Rex Ryan has the kryptonite.
Ronnie Brown blows up the line of scrimmage and jaunts in for the game winning, Fuck You! touchdown. A nation celebrates, a fat man pouts, a pretty boy faggot quarterback suffers defeat.
Eat it up, Nation. The Jets and their filthy, inbred, fucktard, mustachioed women dating, morbidly obese hairy back having, shit smelling, cat banging, hamster stuffing, cock sucking fans have been thoroughly fucked by your Miami Dolphins.
Fuck you, Rex Ryan.
Champagne breakfast for everyone? Fuck and yes.
My Miami New Times game recap here. Bang it!
posted by DatRoro Kid
Evil Satan. Overlord of Darkness. Please grant my team another phoney and clearly political pass interference call so that my dreamy, rookie QB can have all of America sucking on his 1" cock like I have feasted on your Dark Pistil, my dear Satan. Please my Lord. I will drink your everlasting black and frothing minion seed for eternity. It gives me great pleasure to taste its searing warmth. Let it blacken my dark soul.
/ reads all of the Twilight books in one sitting
PLEASE SATAN! I didn't wear these douche-y plaid shorts and extremely huge woman's belt that I bought at Marshall's for $2.99 for you to be ignoring my eternal pleas.
Did I mention that, I, a Jets fan will also recruit as many other Jets fans as possible to drink from your Dark Pistil the bitter nectar of damnation?
I BESEECH YOU, HORNED PRODIGY, ONE MORE BULLSHIT PASS INTERFERENCE! JUST ONE!
/ falls to the ground, jerks off to Morissey photos
posted by DatRoro Kid
Is it 8:30 yet? Is it time? I'M READY TO KILL SOME MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
I want to get out of work. I want to put my orange jersey on. I want to pace around the room with my hands on my head in eager anticipation. I want to run out of my apartment and punch every single Jets fan I see right in their fucking no good, retarded faces. I want to go totally apeshit on this town and these horrible fans. I'm ready to take these fuckers out German tourist style like this was 1990. We win this and we're right back in the hunt. We win this and we silent Jabba Rex and put that fucker right in his place. We win this and it's bragging rights. We win this and begin to show that last year was no fluke - that this team is talented, hungry and focused. We need this. We win this and all is right in the world. Just to give you some idea: I asked Omar how the players were acting in the locker room all last week leading up to tonight. His response? "I haven't seen them this pumped since the last Jets game". FUCK AND YES. It's so on. On to the Keys...
This is going to be a dirty, nasty evening boys and girls. Get your game faces on and get fucking pumped!!! If you are going to the game, you are REQUIRED by FinsNation to insult at least 2 Jets fans to their stupid faces. You think it doesn't matter? YOU'RE WRONG. You're cutting in to their collective morale. Fuck them for even thinking they could show up to OUR HOUSE and bring their weak ass shit.
GET PUMPED. GET LOUD. GET CRAZY.
It's Jets vs. Dolphins. Monday Night Football. LET'S FUCKING DO THIS!!!
Prediction: Dolphins 35 - Jets 3. Fuck you, Jets.
Tonight's the night.My friends want to watch the game with me, but I warned them that this would not be a good idea. In fact, it would be best if everyone just avoided me all day and night until the carnage is over and finished with. I'm liable to do anything. Throw shit at the television? Oh shit yea. Yell expletives at players and coaches alike? Absofuckinglutely. Repeatedly kick someone in the balls until they start speaking in perfect ancient Aramaic? Fuck and yes.
And thanks to the Patriots going tits up yesterday, we win tonight, and we're only one game back in the AFC East. Let's grab that shit by the balls.
This week's Weekender girl comes courtesy of DRK, who has introduced me to the wonders of Sofia Vergara and her spectacular ass. She's a Colombian model/actress and has starred in such movies as yada yada yada LOOK AT HER ASS!!
I seriously want to pitch a tent and live in Sofia Vergara's ass.Here's more. And here, here, here and here.
There's a reason rookie wide out Brian Hartline has stepped up so fast since being drafted in the fourth round of last April's draft. Namely, because he's balls smart.
Hartline, who scored his first touchdown last Sunday against the Bills, has already learned all three of the team's receiver spots, and can play them all effectively according to Sparano.
Despite Hartline's limited NFL experience, Sparano labeled the Ohio State product the smartest receiver amongst the units, and said he's even begun to take charge in their meeting room.
Dave Hyde wonders if this trade will ultimately hurt the Dolphins because the Jets got what we're sorely lacking -- a viable number one receiver -- and because, well, they're the Jets. Shockingly, Armando Salguero has his own very good point of view about the trade and, shockingly, I agree with him! Holy fuck!