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January Jones Would Like to Close Out Your Victory Tuesday

posted by DatRoro Kid

 

From this month's GQ cover story, Mad Men's January Jones.  The Dude and I agreed that she's one of the most beautiful girls maybe fucking ever and I'm pretty sure she single-handedly started this whole Blonde Phase I've been going through since early this year.  If you read the interview, she loves beer, gets drunk, loves football, was a stoner in high school and is dressing up as either Polamalu or Housh for Halloween this year.  That sound you just heard was The Dude and I trying to contain ourselves from flooding a whole city in jizm.

We figured you deserved a good reward to cap off an awesome day filled with great love and comments for our team.  All Dolphins fans feel as fucking light and beautiful as January Jones looks up there.  To quote the band Pavement: 'It's a brand new era / It feels great."

Victory Mondays/Tuesdays are awesome.

via Deadspin admittedly

Monday Night F-cktown

Well, that was fucking awesome.

It was the one game circled on the schedule after that roasted pig and mayonnaise inhaling fuck of a coach starting spewing shit about Channing Crowder from his horse cock sucking mouth. The one game those fucks in New York had circled ever since we handed them their own asses IN New York last December for the AFC East championship. It was a battle of attrition. It was an apocalyptic throw down of Biblical proportions. And like all Biblical battles, good overcame evil. Because evil is gay and roots for the Jets.

They said Rex Ryan had the kryptonite to stop the Wildcat. They said the vaunted unstoppable impenetrable Jets defense was going to make Ronnie Brown obsolete and force Chad Henne to win the game. They said we had no chance.

But the Fins told They to go eat a bowl of duck vaginas, because nothing was going to keep them from a victory. And by 'nothing' we mean a shitload of adversity. The Dolphins overcame two fake punts, several Are You Fucking Shitting Me??? calls by the officials, overcame Ron Jaworski's constant disparaging of the Wildcat (though it was tough for him to speak coherently, what with Mark Sanchez's balls in his mouth and all), and they overcame their own mistakes in the secondary (seriously, I'm done with Gibril Wilson. Fuck that guy).

How? Moxie and balls, my friends. Moxie and balls. And a fuckload of Ronnie Brown.

Black Thunder has been a motherfucking tank lately. And last night, even more so - plowing through Jets defenders, shitting in Derell Revis' mouth, pissing in Kris Jenkin's earhole and shoving a fist into Calvin Pace's ass, reaching into his stomach contents, and yanking out a fistful of steroids, waving them in Pace's face and saying, "Why even bother taking these, muthafucka? I own your ass either way!" all before crashing into the endzone for two touchdowns.

The offensive line absolutely mauled the Jets front seven, giving Chad time to throw, and opening holes for Ronnie and Ricky all night long. Also, Ted Ginn Jr. gets the cigar and double-hooker special for that 53-yard TD grab. Nice job, Teddy. We love you again. You beehive rattling motherfucker! 

And then there was The Robot. Listen, even I had my doubts about the kid coming into this game. I seriously thought he was going to get rattled, shaken and confused into mistakes and early throws - much like the Jets D forced Brady and Brees to do. But silly me. Brady and Brees are human. Chad Henne is a motherfucking ROBOT. He not only shred the "amazing" Jets secondary, going 20-24 with 241 yards and 2 touchdowns, but the guy was just throwing fucking darts left and right, none more impressive than the absolute laser he hit Greg Camarillo with to go 1st and Goal with 30 seconds left in regulation. Nipples! Hard!

And the Fins couldn't have closed it out any more perfect. Everyone on the planet knew it was coming. With a mere 10 seconds to go, down by 3, they lined up in the Wildcat, Ronnie as the trigger man, offensive line frothing at the mouth, and Rex Ryan's vaunted defense ready to make that legend-making goal line stand because, after all, Rex Ryan has the kryptonite.

Right?

WRONG!

Ronnie Brown blows up the line of scrimmage and jaunts in for the game winning, Fuck You! touchdown. A nation celebrates, a fat man pouts, a pretty boy faggot quarterback suffers defeat.

Eat it up, Nation. The Jets and their filthy, inbred, fucktard, mustachioed women dating, morbidly obese hairy back having, shit smelling, cat banging, hamster stuffing, cock sucking fans have been thoroughly fucked by your Miami Dolphins.

Fuck you, Rex Ryan.

Champagne breakfast for everyone? Fuck and yes.

My Miami New Times game recap here. Bang it!

Zombie Goth Jets Fan Begs Satan for One More Pass Interference Call

posted by DatRoro Kid

 

 

Evil Satan.  Overlord of Darkness.  Please grant my team another phoney and clearly political pass interference call so that my dreamy, rookie QB can have all of America sucking on his 1" cock like I have feasted on your Dark Pistil, my dear Satan.  Please my Lord.  I will drink your everlasting black and frothing minion seed for eternity.  It gives me great pleasure to taste its searing warmth.  Let it blacken my dark soul.

/ reads all of the Twilight books in one sitting

PLEASE SATAN!  I didn't wear these douche-y plaid shorts and extremely huge woman's belt that I bought at Marshall's for $2.99 for you to be ignoring my eternal pleas.

Did I mention that, I, a Jets fan will also recruit as many other Jets fans as possible to drink from your Dark Pistil the bitter nectar of damnation?

I BESEECH YOU, HORNED PRODIGY, ONE MORE BULLSHIT PASS INTERFERENCE!  JUST ONE!

/ falls to the ground, jerks off to Morissey photos

The Robot Chad Henne Would Like To Cordially Invite Any And All Jets Fans Who Have Trolled This Here Site ...

 

....to suck a big giant bag of dicks.

Keys To The Game - Jets @ Dolphins

posted by DatRoro Kid

 

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!

Is it 8:30 yet?  Is it time? I'M READY TO KILL SOME MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

I want to get out of work.  I want to put my orange jersey on.  I want to pace around the room with my hands on my head in eager anticipation.  I want to run out of my apartment and punch every single Jets fan I see right in their fucking no good, retarded faces.  I want to go totally apeshit on this town and these horrible fans.  I'm ready to take these fuckers out German tourist style like this was 1990.  We win this and we're right back in the hunt.  We win this and we silent Jabba Rex and put that fucker right in his place.  We win this and it's bragging rights.  We win this and begin to show that last year was no fluke - that this team is talented, hungry and focused.  We need this.  We win this and all is right in the world.  Just to give you some idea:  I asked Omar how the players were acting in the locker room all last week leading up to tonight.  His response?  "I haven't seen them this pumped since the last Jets game".  FUCK AND YES.   It's so on.  On to the Keys...

The Keys

• This is going to be an all-out slugfest so we cannot - at any time - play this game sheepishly.  I don't want to see any Colts game-like hesitance.  We have to go at these guys HARD.  Throw the entire playbook at these fuckers.  It's the only way we can confuse the defense and keep them on their heels a bit.  If we can mix up a punishing run attack with smart playcalling, we will hand these guys their asses.
• That said, the running game needs to be at it's absolute best.  These assholes are giving up about 100 yards per game.  We can do better than that.  They're going to try to make The Robot win this game on his own and, while the KILL.EXE command is firmly in place and is fully functional, we cannot put him in bad situations.   If we need to utilize last week's one-read-or-run-it offense, so be it.  These guys have some extremely dangerous corners but we have to fire up that laser cannon arm and take occasional shots over the top and downfield.  This game will be won or lost by our offense and how we can overcome the various looks Ryan's D is gonna show us.
• The run D needs to continue its excellence and set the edge around the Jets admittedly good line.  Wake needs to show that last week wasn't a fluke and hit Sanchez in that dumb fucking face of his.  Peezy and JT need to figure this thing out and bring one of those two up the middle on blitzes.  We need to throw some surprises at Sanchez's back and send in a DB more than a few times this game to blindside him.  He can be rattled and we will rattle the fuck out of that faggot.
• NO GIVING UP BIG PLAYS ON DEFENSE.  I swear to God, Gibril Wilson, I will shitbomb your house if you don't cover well, tackle and do your fucking job.
• Special teams.  I want to see at least one end around hand off on the kickoff to Ginn.  Let him get going and get those legs moving.  Hand it off to him and let that boy fly.
• DO NOT underestimate Leon Washington.  That guy can singlehandedly break a game wide open.  He must be neutralized.
• Channing Crowder has my permission to get himself kicked out of the game and knock Rex Ryan on his fatass.

More here.

This is going to be a dirty, nasty evening boys and girls.  Get your game faces on and get fucking pumped!!!  If you are going to the game, you are REQUIRED by FinsNation to insult at least 2 Jets fans to their stupid faces.  You think it doesn't matter?  YOU'RE WRONG.  You're cutting in to their collective morale.  Fuck them for even thinking they could show up to OUR HOUSE and bring their weak ass shit.

GET PUMPED.  GET LOUD.  GET CRAZY.

It's Jets vs. Dolphins.  Monday Night Football.  LET'S FUCKING DO THIS!!!

Prediction:  Dolphins 35 - Jets 3.  Fuck you, Jets.

GO DOLPHINS!!

It's On Motherf-ckers!

 

Tonight's the night.

My friends want to watch the game with me, but I warned them that this would not be a good idea. In fact, it would be best if everyone just avoided me all day and night until the carnage is over and finished with. I'm liable to do anything. Throw shit at the television? Oh shit yea. Yell expletives at players and coaches alike? Absofuckinglutely. Repeatedly kick someone in the balls until they start speaking in perfect ancient Aramaic? Fuck and yes.

Because I don't fuck around when it comes to games like tonight. I'm like Shawn Merriman and Bill Romanowski's steroid infused love child. Do. Not. Fuck. With. Me. Tonight. In fact, just stay away. For your own safety. I'm like the Wolfman at full moon. Except with cooler hair.

We'll be round here for the official FN Keys To The Game later on. For now:

--I've got your 3 factors game preview at Miami New Times.

--Omar Kelly breaks down Who's Got The Edge

--Ethan Skolnick talks about Chad Henne and Mark Sanchez's differing paths to stardom

--Armando Salguero talks about the two teams' differing philosophies

--Dave Hyde tells us why the Dolphins will win

--I call Rex Ryan an officious prick and, of course, Jets fans crawl out of their animal porn watching shit holes to prove to us, once again, that they are all from the same inbred trogloditic gene pool.

And thanks to the Patriots going tits up yesterday, we win tonight, and we're only one game back in the AFC East. Let's grab that shit by the balls.

Tonight.

Weekender: Appreciating the Interwebs Edition

This week's Weekender girl comes courtesy of DRK, who has introduced me to the wonders of Sofia Vergara and her spectacular ass. She's a Colombian model/actress and has starred in such movies as yada yada yada LOOK AT HER ASS!!

I seriously want to pitch a tent and live in Sofia Vergara's ass. 

Here's more. And here, here, here and here.

She started her career as a TV host back in the mid-1990s where only a few could enjoy her. But thank God for Al Gore and his inventing The Internet. Because now we can all take part in enjoying Sofia and her ass. As DRK said, the pre-Internet years was pretty much the dark ages when it came to bustin a yerk. There was a lot more work involved: "These kids nowadays can't appreciate that. A man had to have imagination!!" This is true. This explains my many a private time in the bathroom with a small black & white picture of Gillian Anderson from that given week's TV Guide. Mmmmm....good times.

So let's appreciate and be thankful for the Internet. And for Sofia. And for her magnificent ass.

Have a great weekend, Nation. See you Monday.

Brian Hartline Will Beat Your IQ Score, Then Beat Your Ass

 

 

There's a reason rookie wide out Brian Hartline has stepped up so fast since being drafted in the fourth round of last April's draft. Namely, because he's balls smart.

Hartline, who scored his first touchdown last Sunday against the Bills, has already learned all three of the team's receiver spots, and can play them all effectively according to Sparano.

Despite Hartline's limited NFL experience, Sparano labeled the Ohio State product the smartest receiver amongst the units, and said he's even begun to take charge in their meeting room.

So far for the season, Hartline has caught six passes for 53 yards and a touchdown. Hartline's fellow rookie Patrick Turner has yet to play this season but he's a rookie and still learning, so he can get a pass. Hartline's fellow Buckeye Ted Ginn Jr. has mostly sucked this season, so he can go fuck a beehive.

We've always had a good feeling about Hartline since OTAs. And he seemed to justify that by showing a lot of promise during the preseason. Now all that feel goodery is catching up to the real games, and the guy is making a dent. Athletic ability, a hard worker and brains to match.  That's just badass. As badass as a Samurai sword wielding polar bear? Well, no. But pretty fuckin close.

Let Em Gorge While We Build This Sh-t Right

 

So the big news of the day is that the Jets got Braylon Edwards from the Browns. Like most of you, my very first reaction to this news was "mahhshit!" But I am a man of passionate knee-jerky dispositions that way. So I settled myself, poured myself a glass of J&B to take the edge off, dressed up in my Don Draper Halloween costume, and calmed the fuck down.

Dave Hyde wonders if this trade will ultimately hurt the Dolphins because the Jets got what we're sorely lacking -- a viable number one receiver -- and because, well, they're the Jets. Shockingly, Armando Salguero has his own very good point of view about the trade and, shockingly, I agree with him! Holy fuck!

Fact is, the Dolphins had a chance to get in on the Edwards "sweepstakes." Fact is, they chose not to. They understand we have a shitty receiving corps. Shit, anyone can see that. But their thinking remains long-term, methodical, in-house building. They seem to think that their man can be gotten in the off-season free agency period, or the draft. Salguero even suggested the Fins kick the tires on Vincent Jackson this offseason, which would be the fucking tits.

In Edwards, the Jets gave up a couple of good players and a bunch of draft picks for a guy who may or may not pan out, has had off-the-field issues, and has rocks for hands. That shit sounds an awful lot like what Nick Saban and Rick Spielman and Randy Mueller used to do. Fuck. That.

I have no illusions about our short term prospects of being a contender. When Parcells parked his cockpunching ass in the driver's seat last year, he knew it would be a long term reclamation project. The 2008 season was no doubt a season of cigars, champagne, and complimentary hookers for all but, all the while, Parcells knew this wasn't going to happen over night. He wants to build through the draft and add veteran players via free agency along the way. He knows we need a game-breaking receiver. He's just a tad more patient about it than we are. Suck on it, impatience!

I'd much rather we sign a free agent and know what we're getting without giving up players or the all-important draft pick or four, like what used to happen when the Four Horsemen of the Crapocalypse used to run shit. Don't get me wrong. I like Edwards. I even wanted us to draft him over Ronnie Brown. But the fact is, we just don't know if he's elite or just meh. He had one stellar year. And that's it. Shit, his own QB is glad he's gone. And even if he turns out to be half-way decent to great, this is why we drafted Vontae Davis and Sean Smith with our first two picks last April.

It's all good, baby. We'll be fine.

We can get our game-breaking receiver and not mortgage our future doing it.

And Rex Ryan can eat a barbecue sauce slathered dick.


photo by kick-ass commenter CK