When last we saw Davone Bess, he had reverted from the Badass Mormon Pass Catching Dick Puncher we all fell in love with last year, to some kind of hybrid between JR Tolver and a midget. His hands had also been replaced with duck vaginas. I don’t know why. I’m no scientist!
But last night, Bess once again rose from the very large buckets of crap known as our receiving corps and redeemed himself large. Bess led the Fins with 6 catches for 63 yards. None bigger than the 15-yarder he caught on 3rd and 12 with 4:47 left to play. It was especially impressive because, as we’re beginning to see over and over again, Chad Henne flings the shit out of the football. And on that particular play, Henne pretty much tried to decapitate Bess with that pass. Had the pass been thrown by a human, Bess would have caught it in stride and would have run untouched into the endzone. But because Chad Henne is a robot from the 50s, that shit shot out of his hands like a goddamn bazooka. Bess was lifted off the ground from the massive torque and fell backwards. But he maintained the ball, and got his team a huge-ass first down. Ricky Williams took it from there with his ballstastic 46-yard touchdown that put an end to the game, and teabagged Steve Smith and his ridiculously cartoonish trash talking ways right on the face.
Bess stepped up huge. And it seems like he’s only getting better now that he’s getting used to The Robot’s Gort-like passes. I’m not sure how the Mormon religion works, but if I were the Mormon boss, I’d give Bess a shitload of badass points for being badass. That’s how I’d run my religion anyway. Also, instead of a Pope hat, I’d wear a top hat. And a monocle. Also, cut off jean-shorts. I’m classy!
