Bottom line is: I love you and I have faith in you guys. I really do. Wildcat shit from ‘08? Awesome. You revolutionized the NFL. That ‘bend-but-don’t-break’ defense of ‘08?? Genius. I mean, some really stellar schemes in the secondary when we had some experienced guys back there.
BUT LATELY YOU’VE BEEN A BUNCH OF FUCKIN’ IDIOTS. (sorry, Mike)
Let’s break it down:
Special Teams: Last year this unit was a clusterfuck; this year it’s substantially better. No kickoff returns for TDs yet, solid coverage units, no miscues punting and it only took them about 5 games to figure out that Ted Ginn should be returning kicks. Bra-fucking-vo, you dicks. How long is it gonna take for you guys to figure out that shitkicker Ginn should be running back punts too? 2020?? Do we have to wait until that guy is so fuckin’ concussed out of his mind that he’s walking around the streets of South Beach like a meth addict because his brain don’t work no more??? USE THAT FUCKER NOW! GOD KNOWS HE AIN’T WORTH A SHIT DOING ANYTHING ELSE AND LAST TIME I CHECKED DAVONE BESS MAKES THE FIRST GUY MISS THEN FALLS DOWN IN A HEAP OF DIARRHEA!
Offense: Again, thanks for the Wildcat and all that fun stuff in 2008. Wow, what a ride! But that’s over and my AFC championship long sleeve T-shirt is already getting cum stains on it! GIVE ME SOMETHING NEW, YOU JERKS! My high school football team had more big play ability than we currently do. Watching this team on offense is the most consistently boring shit I do all week and I LITERALLY SIT AT A DESK WHERE I SEE DUDES PASS BY ON THEIR WAY TO TAKE A SHIT OR PISS OR JERK OR WHATEVER IN THE BATHROOM ON MY FLOOR!!! IT’S MORE ENTERTAINING TO SEE THOSE SWINGING DICKS WALK BY AND COUNT THE NUMBER OF TIMES THEY DROP A DEUCE THAN WATCH THE 2009 MIAMI DOLPHINS OFFENSE!!! You have receivers that can’t catch, a QB that makes one read and gets sacked if that’s not there, an offensive line that can’t run block or pass protect yet get paid more than the GDP of Namibia. MAN, WHAT A FUCKIN’ OFFENSE. Hey, Henning! Here’s an idea you might have heard: FEED THE STUD. You know, when we’re down by 7 that that’s only ONE touchdown away, right? You do know that your badasses are Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams, right? You DO know that’s where the only fucking talent on offense is located, right? SO WHY DON’T YOU USE THOSE TWO, YOU OLD FUCKER. Either do that or let that homeless guy John Schoen run the ‘MD 20/20 offense’ with a couple of chickens and a horseshoe!! Here’s another idea: you have a goddamn rookie QB. Now do you really think it’s a good idea to yank him just as he’s getting his rhythm, attaining first downs and moving the offense to put fuckin’ skinny fuck PEPITO out there to run the offense for a few plays??? I was bigger and stronger than Pat White – when I was a goddamn freshman in high school. Oh yea! When White comes in and he actually drops back to pass, HOW ABOUT TRYING A SLANT OR SCREEN OR SOMETHING SIMPLE WHERE HE MIGHT NOT OVERTHROW A GUY BY 1500 YARDS?!?!?! Stop fuckin’ with The Robot and let him get some confidence going with the headless chickens he’s got running around out there in Bess, Hartline and Ginn. Jesus!
Defense: My biggest ire is reserved for you, you dick. Last year’s ‘bend-but-don’t-break’ defense is this year’s ‘open-up-a-kamasutra-book-to-any-random-page-and-just-fuck-me-like-that’ defense. Thanks. No, really. THANKS. A few questions: 1) Why is there never any pressure in the 2nd half? First half: Yeremiah blitzes, Gibril blitzes, Nate Jones blitzes. Second half: they sit back and eat a turd sandwich while Brees/Manning/Brady fuck their kid sisters. BRING MORE PRESSURE ALL THE TIME!!! OUR DBs ARE CLEARLY NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY COVER IF THE QB HAS ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. Which brings me to point #2. 2) Why is Cameron Wake not in there? Why is Joey Porter and his useless ass in there? You mean to tell me that Cameron Wake is soooo bad at run defense that he can’t tackle a guy at all??? Because Joey Porter didn’t do shit last week. I’m gonna assume that if Cameron Wake gets his hands on a dude, there’s a pretty good chance he’ll go down. He’s a natural pass rusher so when it’s 3rd and more than 5, doesn’t it make sense to bring him in? Maybe use Roth a bit more for 1st and 2nd down??? Aren’t sacks often momentum-shifting, game-changing plays?? Do you not like sacks?? Let’s get right down to it. You fuckin’ white Q-tip-headed dildo. You don’t like sacks, do you?? SACK THE QB!! BRING PRESSURE!! 3) When a Randy Moss is out there, don’t worry so much about Wes Fucking Welker, ok? Wes Welker can catch 20 short slants for all I care as long as (as Tom Ass said) someone is covering Randy Moss all the way to the fucking parking lot. Have you not seen tape of that guy shredding us every time he plays us, because that shit is burned into my cerebral cortex, asshole. You have all week to figure this shit out and time and time again our defense shits the bed. We’ve lost AT LEAST 3 games because of your unit. THAT’S YOU!
Head Coach: Sparano, I love ya buddy but boobie you’re killin’ me, babe. What’s going on? You did some numbnuts calls last year but I chalked it up to you being a rookie. Ill-advised time outs and poor game management all over the place this year, man! I love it when you get all fired up but you need to get your head of out your ass on the sidelines. You need to learn better game management and stop watching the game like a fan. YOU’RE THE GODDAMN HEAD COACH. Stop making excuses for these bums and having me read inane tweets about how ‘pretty good’ these WRs are and how ‘at the end of the day’ blah blah blah blah…shuut the fuuuck up, please. Jesus! Last year, you made some heads roll. You guys were no nonsense and now you’re getting all soft on us?? How many games ago did you need to put Tyrone Culver in at FS??? How long is it gonna take you to figure out the ONE good thing Ted Ginn, Jr is useful for?? When are you going to figure out that – while the Wildcat is a nice change of pace – people are just bringing up corners daring you to throw?? When are you gonna admit that passing up on Hakeem Nicks (all respect to the awesomeness with which Vontae is playing right now) was a really stupid mistake??? There are a ton of personnel errors that you guys are responsible for and it’s fucking showing on that field every Sunday. It’s ruining my game-winning, celebratory White Russians!!!
The murderer’s row of good teams is supposedly over for the most part. Let’s see what you fuckers can do against the lesser competition as we (perhaps foolishly) continue to believe you have the right formula and things are moving in the right direction. We love this fucking team but everyone mentioned this week has been fucking up royally. I mean, ROYALLY. It’s bad out there. I believe in this team and the coaches….BUT YOU FUCKERS NEED TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
Run the football. Take chances downfield. Play defense. Bring pressure. Eliminate big plays. Get help for some of the guys that aren’t very good right now. Focus on the TRUE playmakers of a team and take them out of the game plan. Play the brand of ’smart, tough, disciplined’ football that you preach so avidly because these days it’s looking very, very hollow at times. I know we’ve played some good teams and we’ve stayed close but there have been opportunities SEVERAL times this year where we could have snatched victory from those faggots and we simply cowered. That’s not good enough.