You assholes. You can’t even do the one goddamn thing you were put on this Earth to do. How is that even possible?? You know when I learned to catch? AT ABOUT 6 FUCKING YEARS OLD. No shit!! I can actually CATCH things. Throw my keys to me? Got ‘em one handed. Throw me a lighter to hit a fucking bowl? You can do a 360 and throw it from under your leg and I’ll catch it behind the back. THROW ME A FOOTBALL ON THE BEACH AND I KNOW HOW TO CLASP MY HANDS TOGETHER IN ORDER TO SECURE THE FUCKING THING. Honestly, I hate you fuckers the most because I actually fucking thought that we would be fine. I figured that in the 2,000 hours of film work poor Chad Pennington had to do every week in order to make you guys display even a modicum of NFL-caliber talent that you would somehow be able to have a fair showing out on Sundays. BOY WAS I FUCKING WRONG!!! You no-talent, philly cheesesteak-handed faggots can’t even catch passes WHEN YOU ARE WIDE OPEN. Futhermore, SOME of you enjoy popping balls up in the air so that big, bad safeties can snatch them and run them back for touchdowns. Some of you are pamper-wearing, shit-staining rookies that don’t even know your routes yet – 9 WEEKS INTO THE FUCKING SEASON. Some of you refuse to catch critical 3rd down pass plays RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING HANDS on absolutely critical game-winning drives. Some of you also like to suddenly fumble all the time where you were once sure-handed receivers throughout your entire college and pro careers. And, finally, some of you are completely and utterly useless altogether because we invested a 3rd round pick on your ass AND YOU ARE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET ON THE FIELD WHEN THE OTHER ASSHOLES PLAYING ARE COMMITTING THE LITANY OF SINS ABOVE.
So let me get this straight, because maybe I’m not really understanding football and what’s going on out there. One of the top 10 most electric players of the past 10 years is a faggot, bee-evading fucktard that fears getting hit IN THE GAME OF FOOTBALL. A GAME HE GREW UP PLAYING AND IN WHICH HE DISPLAYED OTHER-WORLDLY ABILITY. So much so, that we made him (and his fucking family) the #9 overall pick in the 2007 draft. AND THAT’S NOT EVEN CONSIDERING HOW YOU TRIED TO KILL TRENT GREEN, DISAPPEAR FOR GAMES AT A TIME, FUMBLED IN A CRITICAL PLAYOFF GAME WITH ABOUT 1,000 FEET OF OPEN SPACE AHEAD OF YOU, HELP THE OTHER TEAM GET INTERCEPTIONS, CAN’T CATCH CRITICAL PASSES ON GAME-WINNING DRIVES AND, OH YEA, YOU RUN LIKE YOU’RE BEING CHASED BY BEES!!! HAHAHA. Funny, I know. #9 pick overall in the NFL Draft!! He’s a millionaire!!! It’s bananas! Fuck you, Ted Ginn.
Davone Bess. Ummmmmmm……..fffffffffffffffffuck you. The fuck, dude? Undrafted badass rookie last year; diarrhea Nagasaki-hands this year. Huh? First 5 games I’m all, like, ‘QB’s best friend! Wooo hoo! Go, Bess!’. Last 3 games have me wondering if you were abducted by some aliens and replaced with some, I don’t know, nervous fuckface that’s never played football before and was given two fucking VIBRATORS for hands as some freak science experiment. Congratulations. You always make the first guy miss on punt returns. Can you ummmm…try doing something else other than that? Do you know what a ‘touchdown’ is?? I used to love you, man. You…you…you poop mouth!! Now you’re fumbling all over the place and balls that you DO catch always seem to nearly slip out. YOU NEED TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
Brian Hartline. Man, you’re so smart. You’re doing so great for a rookie. That big, long catch against the Chargers was greeeaaat, man. That TD catch against the Bills…that was awesome. Remember(begins to hyperventilate a lot like Chris Farley interviewing Paul McCartney)…remember how you and…and Chad didn’t know who was, like, gonna get the ball and stuff cuz of that whole first TD thing and, like, you were all like ‘I’m from Ohio State!’ and he was like ‘I’m from Michigan!’ and he was all, like, ‘It’s cool..there’s gonna be tons more. You keep it, brah’ and, like, we all thought that was cute and stuff and it was fun and we felt all warm inside WELL WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE REST OF MY FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS, ASSHOLE?!?!? Can you even catch a pass?!?! You want to be the next Wes Welker, whiteboy?? WELL CATCH FUCKING 10 – 12 PASSES A GAME LIKE WES WELKER. Fuck you. MAKE PLAYS. This isn’t Madden.
Patrick Turner. Fuck you. You don’t even EXIST. Sad fact: The Dude and I are more of a factor in the grand scheme of the Dolphins universe than you are. You are REALLY going above and beyond your merits. Congratulations, you dick.
Greg Camarillo. You’re alright with me. You have pushed yourself to recover from your injury in record time, you make timely catches, you rarely drop passes, you push hard to get open and you will forever be the savior in our dismal 2007 season. You snatched our franchise from the jaws of Lions-esque infamy. Plus, your boy and you used to hang at Heat games with a chick I used to bone from Miami. I thought that it was pretty cool that we had some serious Kevin Bacon pussy shit going on. Now pardon me for getting all Jimmy the Greek on you, BUT IT DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR ANY FUCKING NFL TEAM WHEN THEIR BEST, MOST CONSISTENT, MOST RELIABLE RECEIVER IS A FUCKIN’ MEXICAN DUDE. That shit just ain’t right.
So fuck all you assholes. You should notice when the direct deposit comes into your account, deduct the entire amount deposited by the Dolphins and openly offer lapdances at Tootsie’s for all Dolphins fans outside of the stadium until you run out that money you are STEALING from us, you cock-handed maggots.
Except Camarillo. We may have shared a pussy once or twice so we cool.
(Tomorrow’s final installment: the coaching staff)