The Dolphins are officially “almost shitty.” Yesterday’s loss has the Fins 0-3 against the Colts, Saints and Patriots this season. All three teams are everything we want to be. All three teams have solid defense, great quarterbacks, and ball-kicking receivers. And if these losses revealed anything, it’s that we are seriously lacking in all three. As most of the papers and talking heads will do today, we grade all three areas. Except whereas they give the kinds of grades you see in school (A to F), we give the kind of grades you’ll only see on FinsNation (Fart Noise to Exploding Diarrhea). Because we’re about the dick jokes, people. It’s just that simple.
Defense: Loud Fart Noise: Aside from Randy Starks and Cameron Wake, the Fins’ front seven was completely emasculated by the Patriot offensive line. When Tom Brady wasn’t writing a thesis on David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest in the pocket, he was busy carving up the secondary, going 25 of 37 with 332 yards and a TD, hitting receivers in stride, converting 3rd downs and taking a pipe wrench to our collective clavicles. All thanks to a lack of pressure from the d-line. Fucking fucksticks.
It didn’t help that we were without Jason Ferguson and Channing Crowder (how shitty are things when we actually miss Channing Crowder?) At 34 it’s a miracle Ferguson has gone this long without more injuries. And his absence just proves that we need to address the defensive tackle position soon (perhaps Alabama’s Terrence Cody?).
And for all his ass-wrecking talk leading up to this game, Joey Porter finished the day with as many tackles as you. Call it age, call it good game-planning by the Pats, or call it simply a serious bout of The Suck, Joey Porter is a shell of his old self, and has been all season. Meanwhile, Jason Taylor didn’t fair any better. JT, who’s built a Hall of Fame career out of punching King Douche in the dick, finished the day with just two tackles and no sacks.
It’s time to get Cameron Wake out there. More often than not, good things happen when he’s bullrushing the quarterback. I don’t know who’s dick Peezey’s sucking, but enough with the loyalty to veterans shit. He needs to hit the pine. Or maybe have DRK write a disparaging post about him. That seems to always work.
As for Vontae Davis — what more can be said. The kid did what he could with a mammoth assignment. That opening drive interception was the absolute tits. And, for the most part, he held his own against Randy I Throw DBs Aside Like A Wet Sock Because The Officials Let Me Moss. And, for whatever it’s worth, Moss reportedly told Davis he’s going to be a good player in this league.
Quarterbacks: Fart Noise: Tom Brady, who is pretty adept at bitching like the whiney fucking douche he is at the officials every time something doesn’t go right for the Patriots, is equally skillful at being a quarterback. Of course, it helps when you have Randy Moss and Wes Welker to throw it to (as opposed to, say, a bunch of guys who had their hands surgically replaced with ball-peen hammers). As for our guys — the jury is still out. Chad Henne had just his fourth career NFL start yesterday. And for the most part, he was decent. He didn’t take dumb sacks, threw the ball effectively and didn’t throw an interception. But for fucksake we need to get him weapons to throw to. It’s hard to evaluate a first-year QB when his receivers constantly let him down. Henne has a lot to learn and a lot of room to grow. No one’s crowned his ass as The Guy. But for the love of Marissa Miller’s wonderful vagina, get that fucking guy some fucking receivers!
And then there’s Pat White. Hey, look! He ran for 45 yards! Let’s all stop what we’re doing right now and just suck each other’s cocks for the rest of the day! Look, I was excited as anyone when we drafted him, and my nipples were like two railroad spikes yesterday when we scored on that option while the Patriots defense started to freak the fuck out as White started running all over their asses. But the fact that we kept bringing him in only exposes the shit we have at receiver. It also exposes the fact that teams have wised up to the Wildcat. And I’m one of those people that like to see my young starting quarterback stay in the game when he’s starting to get in rhythm. It just seemed like every time Henne started to get warmed up, Pat White would come trotting in.
Receivers: Giant Pile of Shit: Is there anything more frustrating about this team right now than its receiving corps? It’s a squad made up entirely of dudes who have had their hands surgically removed and replaced with ball-peen hammers. Continuing a season-long epidemic, with 3:05 left to play, Brian Hartline dropped a key pass that would’ve resulted in a big gain. Two plays later, Ted Ginn went all Ted Ginn on our asses and dropped another key pass. Greg Camarillo did manage to snag a spectacular one-handed catch for a 23-yard gain. But it was basically with zero seconds left in the game (/sad trombone sound). Devone Bess has been abducted and replaced by a 12-year old Korean boy (Anyang!). And Ted Ginn is, well, Ted Ginn. The guy can return kickoffs like no one else. But he’s got no business running routes when he doesn’t know how to, and then flinches if a defensive player so much as yawns around him.
The good news is the schedule does get easier from here on out. So, even at 3-5, the playoffs are still within sight (a little farther than it was Friday, but still). The bad news is, this is the team we have to roll with. We need a young defensive tackle, we need a playmaking outside linebacker (or two), we need safeties, we need receivers.
Until then, we roll with the punches. What the fuck else can we do?
(P.S.: Come read my Miami New Times game recap. What the hell else are ya gonna do? Work? Pffft.)