Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Jake Long Lone Dolphin To Make Pro Bowl, We All Should Proclaim “Harrumph!” In Defiance

So the NFL Pro Bowl roster was announced tonight. And ta-da, Jake Long is the only Dolphin to make it. Sad trombone sound for everyone.

Long made it as a starter, which is pretty cool. And he gets to play the game here in Miami, which is also pretty cool.

One of the larger Dolphin snubs might be fullback Lousaka Polite, who should have made it on the premise of him blowing motherfuckers up alone. Instead, the Ravens’ Le’Ron McClain made it as the AFC fullback.

According to Pro Football Focus, Polite is ranked number one in the NFL at the position with a 10.7 rating, compared to McClain, who is ranked 5th with a 6.0. I have no idea what the hell these ratings mean, but it’s apparently obvious that it’s total bullshit how Polite was stepped over by McClain. Polite is clearly the superior fullback. Dude can truck over anyone, and usually does — even when he doesn’t have to. Which is awesome.

It’s a travesty that Jake Long is the lone Dolphin making this team! A TRAVESTY! I! SAY! And I for one will not be watching or attending this year’s Pro Bowl game as an act of defiance! For the Pro Bowl balloting and selection committee have shown themselves to be the hypocrites that they are! Always going with the “big name” and the guy with “star value.” Well I don’t know about you. But I think it’s a slight to us all as Americans that this happens year after year after year. And I will not stand idly by while the NFL badmouths the United States of America!!!! NEVER AGAIN!!!

/slams fists on table

//stands up

///turns to march out of room

////walks into sliding glass door

The 1972 Dolphins Are STILL the Only Team To End a Season Perfect. Suck On That, Everyone Else!

You have to admit, the timing is shitty. We blew our season yesterday and the manner in which the Colts finally lost was pretty faggy (everyone is jumping on Jim Caldwell for pulling his starters, but that shit falls squarely on the shoulders of Colts President Bill Polian – a guy historically known for being all foreplay and no fuck. He would pull this same shit when he ran the Buffalo Bills in the 1990’s. 0-4, assholes. He’s also pulled this shit with the Colts before. And both times they gagged their shot in the playoffs, at home no less – once against the Steelers and again against the Chargers. I hope the Colts again choke in the playoffs for his stupidity).

Our lack of ability to win games and the Colts rolling over has given the Jets new life. They win next week, and suddenly they get the last wild card spot. So this The 1972 Team Stands Alone Once Again shit is kind of a bittersweet victory.

Still. It’s awesome.

What’s even more awesome is that everybody fucking HATES it when we celebrate this shit. Every year when the last of the unbeatens fall, the old ’72 players pop up and give their bullshit congratulations to said teams for “a job well done” while simultaneously stroking their own old egos and reminding everyone that only one team in the history of the NFL has been able to accomplish Perfection. And it’s fucking brilliant!

And you have to love how everyone hates the Dolphins and us fans for making the ‘72 team such a big deal. Of course it’s a big deal, you shitsticks. YOUR team never accomplished this. You fucks. You best believe if this tables were turned and say, the Patriots didn’t choke the Super Bowl against the Giants in ’07, that we’d be hearing ad nauseam about the Greatness of that team every single time the last undefeated team lost. Or any other team for that matter. Book that shit.

And yet, other teams’ fans and even the fucking media scoff at the ’72 Dolphins. They call them annoying, overbearing, clownish. They try to pass it off as, “well the Dolphins had a cakewalk schedule in 1972.” Never the fuck mind that the playoff system was all kinds of fucked up back then and they had to hit the playoffs on the road – even with the best record. Never the fuck mind that they played most of that season with their backup quarterback at the helm. And never the fuck mind that while the ’98 Broncos, ’07 Patriots, ’09 Saints, and ’09 Colts were on the verge of Perfection — EVERYBODY was fucking talking about it. It’s all you’d hear on ESPN and sports radio. All. Day. Long. No NFL segment would ever begin without hearing about the Colts and Saints. Shit, NFL Network just aired two separate specials specifically on the Colts and Saints’ 2009 pursuit of Perfection. And the season wasn’t even over yet! So everyone is sucking on these teams’ knobs like they’re fucking God’s gift to football while they’re on this “magical journey.” Oh look how special these teams are!!! We should all appreciate them!!! Yet when the final undefeated team falls and Fins fans start high fiving each other, and the ’72 players start popping their champagne bottles, it’s suddenly annoying and “big deal, so what?”

Fact is – it is a pretty special record. And we are proud of it. So, fuck you ESPN. Fuck you Deadspin. Fuck you SI. Fuck you CBSSportsline. And a special Fuck You with shit on top to you, Phil Taylor. You can all suck on it. HARD.

LONG LIVE MERCURY MORRIS!!!!

We Are What Our Record Says We Are

posted by DatRoroKid

Believe me.

There will come a time – maybe by the year 2050 – that we will be resilient enough to beat this middling fucking Texans team.  Maybe by then we’ll have learned to play all 3 phases in a complete game.  Maybe our coaching staff will have learned how to properly construct a game plan that will work from the start of the game.  Maybe by then our coaches will know our team, personnel and working schemes well enough to not start off the season with 2-3 losses.  Maybe by then they’ll know that Ronnie Brown is the starting RB or that Ted Ginn FUCKFACE can’t do anything other than show off his sideline – to – sideline speed.  Maybe our QB will finally learn how to throw a screen pass, our coaching staff might design plays or draft players that don’t require our offense to run an average of 79 plays per scoring drive and maybe that same QB will realize that none of the CBS camera crew in the back of the endzone are eligible receivers.  Maybe by then we won’t botch high-priced free agent pickups or miss tackles or get fucked over by geriatric referees.  I’m kind of a pessimistic guy today so I’m going to leave that at ‘maybe’.

They say we’re still in it?  Fuck that.  We’re done.  This season is cooked.  If we’re relying on the Browns to win in order for us to get into the playoffs, then you can pretty much forget about that little fantasy.  Fact is, we were ill-prepared to handle the rigors of this tough schedule.  Outside of some inspired play by Vontae Davis and Brian Hartline (at times), I’m still skeptical about the draft this year.  And don’t even get me started on the absolutely useless piece of shit Gibril Wilson has been.  Every week it seems the coaching staff has to go back to the drawing board on fundamentals like holding on to the football and tackling.  There is always some issue for a coaching staff that supposedly prides itself on preaching about those same fundamentals.  Look, I like the TITS posse and I still believe in them but there are shades of ineptitude and momentary lapses of reason that puzzle me from time to time.  I realize we need better playmakers and logic tells you that’s what they’ll go after in the 2010 draft but logic also told me they would continue to build the trenches in 2009 and address the aging defense.  I don’t get this team.  They never do what everyone else in the world thinks they’re supposed to do.

There are still a lot of holes on this team and we did an admirable job of soldiering forward after our starting QB, RB, NT and CB all went down.  So with the possibility of 8-8, we are who our record says we are:  an average team in need of playmakers on offense and defense (particularly replacing our snail-like LBs) and there’s no way we can keep up with some of the more high-powered teams in the NFL.  This was never surprising to us for 2009.  The key is to turn this around and use the experience that some of our guys on offense have learned from this year and make something out of that in 2010.  We need greater depth and young guys that want the ball in their hands when the game is on the line.  We need to loosen those purse strings and go after one or two high-priced, game-changing, PROVEN playmakers.  It might not hurt to tweak some of the coaching staff as well.

Next week, I don’t even care about the draft position.  There are so many teams with a similar record that we’ll still land in the general 12 – 18 draft pick slot.  I just want to beat the living shit out of the Steelers and finish off the season on a strong note.   As fans we deserve ONE FUCKING GAME this season where we exhibit a modicum of confidence and good execution in all 3 phases as a team and where we the fans can experience an enjoyable game that doesn’t have me visiting a pharmacy to check my blood pressure afterward.

Get me a turtle.  I need to shit on something.

Read The Dude’s New Times recap here.  More turtle shitting, no doubt.

All Aboard The Pain Train

Well that certainly sucked  orangoutang ass.

How many “FUCK YOU!/FUCK YEA!/FUCK YOOOUU!” moments can one game have? Apparently, a shitload of them.

We could easily have been here celebrating another Victory Monday, talking about how resilient this team is for coming back from a 24-9 deficit to win on the road. Instead, we’re dragging through the day, head in hands, cursing our fathers for raising us to be fans of this shit team.

In Miami Dolphins football, there is a fine line between Happy and Fuck My Life.

Today, it’s that all-too familiar Fuck My Life associated with this team that has dragged us out of bed and placed it’s hairy mansack on our foreheads.

Only days ago, everything was unicorns, rainbows, strippers and Chivas for the Dolphins. A satisfying defeat over the Douchengland Patriots, followed by a tough win over the Jaguars, had us perched and prepped for a playoff run for the ages. The Good Times & Tits Committee was expected to continue throwing their non-stop kick-ass party in Nashville yesterday. Instead, all we got was a fistful of shit.

Everything was clicking these last two games. Big-time touchdowns, sacking quarterbacks with a single bound, hurling Mr. T. Night Elf Mohawk grenades at opposing players – it was all just a perfect storm of awesomeness.

It was the beginning of a season for the ages – an 0-3 start that would culminate in an AFC East championship and post-season berth. The season recap DVD was already being titled “Resiliency: How The 2009 Miami Dolphins Cockpunched Their Way Through a Tough Start To A Division Championship and Into Our Hearts (With special commentary by Lou Ferrigno)”

And now, not.

What more could be said? The Robot was both brilliant and awful. Ricky suddenly can’t stop fumbling the ball. For all his explosiveness and “potential,” Vontae Davis is a walking fucking bullseye. Our safeties look like German tourists in South Beach, lost as fuck. And Dan Henning…. oh Jesus H Fuckenstein, Dan Henning. How I long to replace your crazy pills with hamster droppings.

Of course, this is to be expected with this team. One moment they’re buying you drinks and letting you feel up their hot sister, the next they’re slamming your balls into a waffle iron.

Same as it ever was.

Now, we have to hope a bunch of shit falls into place for us to get into the playoffs. For the playoff situation, I point you to Matt over at The Phinsider. I can’t figure that shit out. He’s smart and into stats. I like boobies.

Anyway, next week the Houston Texans, where I fully expect Andre Johnson to show up to my house so he can shove his cock into my face.

Goy.

-

Oh, and come read my Four Reasons The Dolphins Crapped The Bed On Their Season post over at theMiami New Times. It’s an article fueled by rage and lots and lots of Dewar’s. It’s a real hoot!

Playoff Picture Still The Same

The Palm Beach Post breaks down why last night’s Colts win over the Jaguars really had no bearing on our playoff hopes. In fact, it still seems that it might be easier for the Fins to win the AFC East than the wildcard. And that’s just fine by us:

Start with the premise that the Dolphins have to win their last three games to have a realistic chance. Joey Porter said Thursday the team has accepted as much – that if they do lose one more, too many things have to happen for them to make it. Based on that, it’s the Jags’ game at New England next week that will make all the difference.

A Jacksonville win over New England would give Miami the edge over the Patriots in the AFC East by virtue of a better conference record.

It’s pretty fantastic to be sitting here talking playoffs and possibly winning the AFC East after we started the season 0-3. You have to love this team’s resiliency. When I watch these guys on Sundays, I can actually hear AC/DC and Rage Against The Machine play in my head. It’s fucking awesome. As opposed to when I would watch them play during the Wannstedt/Saban/Cam years, when I would actually hear this play in my head.

Keys to the Game: Dolphins @ Titans

posted by DatRoroKid

I have to make this quick and dirty as I’m a) in a rush and b) pretty fuckin’ pissed off right now for reasons non-football related.  I will quickly say, however, that my prognosticating powers are even beginning to scare me.  These Keys are the most important thing ever to our team!!!

Keys

- Chris Johnson x 1000.  We know what we’re up against.  We knew what we were up against in Sproles, Turner and Jones-Drew.  I feel we can effectively limit this guy.  There’s no way to stop him; we can only hope to contain him.  I think we’re going to do that this Sunday.  Can our slow ass LBs set the edge quickly enough?  Can the Pas stop watching his wife blow a horse and continue the nice defensive gameplanning he’s done the past two weeks?  I don’t know but I have a feeling that – if we lose – it’s not going to be because of Chris Johnson.

- Ted Ginn needs to do something in this game.  He’s been very very silent since the Jets game – the last time that sleeping playmaking giant did anything relevant.  As Omar noted, football players are macho motherfuckers and it’s high time that Teddy gain back some of that respect.  ARE YOU READING THIS TED GINN JR.???  IT IS HIGH FUCKING TIME YOU OWN THAT SHIT ON THE FIELD.

- How long can we continue to expect Ricky Williams to hold up??  We need more Weapon Lex.  We need more Robot.

- The receivers need to continue the better play of the past two games.  We’ve won 4 out of 5 lately and they have played well in those games.  We need that consistency because…

- The Robot needs to sling it all over the field in this game.  JerryD will be yawning at Henne’s football-slinging prowess but we need him to be even BETTER than he’s been lately.  I fear Finnegan and his playmaking ways late in the season.  Tennessee is 31st against the pass.  Robot death rays down your fucking throat, you backwoods assholes!

- Let me channel The Dude right now and say: NO FUCKING PAT WHITE.  Tell him to get through doing 3 pull ups with those flabby ass arms of his and MAYBE we’ll consider letting him handle a snap again.  I might welcome the Wildcat back, though not when Henne is clearly in his rhythm.  DO YOU HEAR ME, HENNING, YOU OLD FUCKER?!?!

- Can the defense continue to firm up and avoid any Vince Young 4th quarter heroics??  We need to be at our best.  I feel that the turnover war could be feast or famine with Vince back there.

- Please have a QB spy on that fucker at all times.

- Fuck this.  We’re going for 7-0 in December under TITS.

More info here.

Prediction:  Dolphins 20 – Titans 14.  Chris Johnson is limited, Vince Young doesn’t finish the game so he can go drink tequila shirtless with a bunch of dudes and The Robot continues his progress until our eventual organ harvesting by his race of 1950s robots that were exiled to a planet deep within the solar system where they have lived since we replaced them with microwaves and vending machines.   In time, we will come to regret that decision by his hand.   Only our Dolphins memorabilia may save us from a harrowing demise.

GO DOLPHINS!

Dear Statisticians…

posted by DatRoroKid

….stop mentioning statistics that totally jiinx the ever-living shit out of our players.

Last week Carpenter was trying to break Olindo Mare’s team record of 18 field goals made in a row when this stat flashed across the bottom of the screen.  This made me wince with anxiety because I fucking knew that just because they showed that he was going to miss that kick and that pussyface Mare was going to hold on to the record.  What happened?  He missed the kick.

Same game Henne nearly break’s Captain Balls’ record of 18 completed passes in a row (though that was over the course of two games) when along comes that stupid fucking stat box and flashes that Henne is one completion shy of tying Pennington’s record.  Wanna take a gander at what happens next?  Henne sailed a pass way over Lousaka Polite’s head with one of his trademark ’screen passes’. 

So do me a favor, you dicknose statisticians:  STOP HARPING ON THIS SHIT.  You’re totally jinxing us, you shitbags!  So I don’t want to hear about Ricky’s goddamn useless record when his knee and our season are at stake.  Just shut the fuck up please.

Yours truly,

FinsNation

Chris Johnson Just Made The Interwebs Splode

So apparently Tennessee Titans RB Chris Johnson told reporters today that over a summer party in SoBe with a bunch of Dolphins players, he challenged Ted Ginn Jr. to a footrace, and Ginn ducked out on the challenge.

How do I know this? Because my Twitter feed and news feed went apeshit the minute Johnson told everyone about it in his weekly player conference call. Omar Kelly , Ethan Skolnick, Edgar Thompson, Armando Salguero, Mike Berardino, Jeff Darlington, Jorge Sedano, David Neal…. all ran to their tweeting machines like reporters used to run to phone booths back in the 40’s whenever news broke. They all tweeted the Johnson story at the same time. It made my brain bleed. And, just as quickly, they posted about it on their respective news outlets’ websites.

At a pool party last summer, Johnson said Ginn and Dolphins LB Joey Porter said Ginn could beat him.

“I said, ‘Let’s go,’” Johnson said.

Johnson said he walked down to Ocean Drive to run, but Ginn never showed up.

Johnson said Ginn told him he’d race him the next day, but Ginn never called. They haven’t spoken since.

We are shocked — SHOCKED — that Ted Ginn wouldn’t show up for a race when challenged. Also, we know Johnson would likely smoke Ginn in a 40 yard dash race of some sort. However, pit the race on a football field going sideline to sideline, then it’s no contest. No one runs to the sideline faster than Ted Ginn Jr. GERRRR—-ZZZZZOINKS!!!!!

The Playoff Picture

The Sun-Sentinel has a breakdown for what needs to happen for the Dolphins to get into the playoffs:

The Dolphins (7-6) remain in the thick of the AFC playoff picture thanks to going 7-3 in the past 10 weeks, and 4-1 in the last five weeks. But the Dolphins are not guaranteed a playoff spot even if they win their remaining three games and finish with a 10-6 record.

It’s complicated, but not impossible. The Fins just need to win, and then hope the Ravens or Patriots lose at least one more game. After that, we start getting into tie-breakers and common opponents and won-lost percentages.

The basis for all this is, of course, math. LAME. Nerds are so practical and boring. I think from now on, we should try figuring out playoff scenarios like they used to in the olden days (I’m talking the mid-1600s). With magic! And don’t scoff. Magic is just as difficult as math — only it’s more fun. A magician has to be able to pull a lost coin from out of your ear. A magician has to be able to make the Statue of Liberty vanish. A magician has to be able to use sleight-of-hand to touch a woman’s breast and then be able afford the best lawyers for the inevitable sexual assault lawsuit. Let’s see you try that, nerds!

Randy Starks Answers Some Questions

Ever since Randy Starks got arrested for filling up his Freightliner with too many people and then bumped a cop with it on South Beach, he’s been a ferocious play-maker. I say we give every defensive lineman a giant truck to fill up with copious amounts of booze and whores! The guy has been unstoppable. Remember when he ate Mark Sanchez in New York? That was awesome. He was also all over Tom Brady’s ass two weeks ago and was a disruptive force all day Sunday against the Jaguars. Anyway, the Sun-Sentinel had a sit-down with The Bang Bus, who is playing at a Pro Bowl caliber level.

In the Q&A, he especially emphasized the importance of being fit, in order to make his nut-busting plays late in games, when it counts the most:

A couple of the guys we lift together, so might put more effort into it you could say. But for the most part I am doing the same thing I have been doing for six years of my NFL career.” …”By competing. Some days you might be feeling good, might compete against someone else. A couple times against Joey Porter, Kendall Langford, things like that” …I think I’m in shape, like I’ve played a lot of plays back-to-back.” …”Definitely makes a difference in the fourth quarter. It’s hot out there, you’re tired, you have to be able to finish.”

And that’s just what he’s been for us lately. A badass fourth quarter finisher. I’ve often thought football players should drink an entire bottle of Grey Goose right before the fourth quarter. Sure they’d probably collapse from severe dehydration, but the drunken rage that it would induce would be a strategy the other team would never see coming. I have a lot of other great ideas!