Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Giving The Pas His Due

We’ve been pretty rough on defensive coordinator Paul Pasqualoni around here lately. DRK has lambasted him here. I said something about him having the permanent look of a dude who just walked in on his wife blowing a horse. Mainly though, we’ve gone postal on the guy because of his lack of adjusting his defensive schemes, as well as his uncanny ability to channel Tom Olivadotti lately. We shit on things, because we love.

 But Jason Taylor went on Joe Rose’s morning show yesterday and said we need to give Pasqualoni some credit:

“[Pasqualoni] did a real nice job of staying aggressive and not necessarily of getting in the mode of, ‘Well they have to score a touchdown to beat us so let’s kind of sit back and just make sure they stay out of the endzone with no timeouts,’” Taylor said on today’s show. “We remained aggressive and kept the pressure on them.”

So, a little credit is due to coach Pasqualoni. The man has come through the last two games against a couple of tough offenses. He’s getting his young corners help, he’s coming after the quarterback, and he’s unleashing Cameron Wake at the right times.

Instead of sitting back in prevent mode waiting for the shit to hit the fan, he’s going after it, which is just the opposite of what he used to do, which is kinda gay. And I hate anything that’s gay. I find that I have to maintain that hatred to stay sharp. For example, whenever I feel my hatred for gay things slipping, I picture my girlfriend cheating on me with a gay guy. That gets me quite vexed, I tell you.

…And Here’s Your Victory Monday Slide Show….

posted by DatRoroKid

We here at FinsNation provide you with a service, good people.  Sometimes this service takes the form of advising you about news, information and general intelligent discourse regarding our Miami Dolphins.  Sometimes it’s philanthropic or urges you to bring canned goods to the stadium to feed the hungry.  Sometimes it’s posting pics of beloved commenters out together for the first time.  And sometimes, lovely readers, it’s pics of pretty damn hot Dolphins fans making out.  Consider this the latter.

One of my oldest friends/FN reader/brother to my roommate/O.G. Miami gangster/all around badass Chris L. (aka THE BRUISE, aka MILLION DOLLA BOOTY) sent over these pics of his gameday experience while at the Dolphins-Jags game.  Needless to say, I think THE BRUISE has now found a way into our hearts with his intrepid and thorough photojournalistic adventure during yesterday’s game.  I’d like to think if you ever meet THE BRUISE someday when you’re in Jacksonville or maybe hanging around the Grove during the holidays and you are lucky enough to hold a conversation with this individual, you will take a moment to hush anyone that approaches you with a beverage or some friend of yours that may ask you ‘Who the fuck was that guy you were talking to?’.  I hope that you will look that person sternly in the eyes and tell that person with more gravitas than you can possibly muster:  “There goes the greatest man that ever lived.  I may now rest in peace having met him”.

Here are some of the highlights:

The girls a bit more sensually this time around.  The one in the Fins pajamas totally fucking means that kiss.

  

  

Some lucky old fucker.  Note left hand of lankier chick and the slight arching of her sun-drenched lower back.

 Granted, it’s not Olivia Munn but after 24 Miller Lites I’m going to guaranfuckingtee you would hit that shit…

 

 …and this.  Don’t fucking lie to me.  That’s some straight North Florida shit you don’t see every day.  Added points for the braces because, well, we’re fucking sickos around here.  (Note:  FinsNation assumes this lady is 18 years old and her birthday is on or before 12/14/1981)

 

Ok, seriously.  Tell me you’re not impressed how THE BRUISE managed to get SEVERAL photos of these chicks.  This isn’t one fucking picture; it’s an entire photo shoot FOR YOU.

 Consistently impressed how two total fucking dorks can get two semi-hot chicks in this unfair world of ours?  Consistently impressed how two total fucking dorks can get two semi-hot chicks in this unfair world of ours.

 We got to pray just to make it today!

 Bra-fucking-vo on the custom Dolphins jeans but even more impressive….?

 

The fact that THE BRUISE was so committed to this assignment that he went in for a detail at the risk of a boyfriend-induced HAMMER SMASHED FACE.

 BBBBBRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Sorry.  I had to.  I believe he told me some of these guys were from Hialeah so I respect that (strangely).  The bought-way-too-soon Pat White jersey absolutely KILLS me.  Also, the Neanderthal Dolfan Bandit was in my New Orleans ‘Keys’ earlier this year.  Hey Crazy Guy!!!

 You know that’s Dade County, baby.

So there you have it.  Some scenes from yesterday’s win as seen through the eyes of a total fucking sicko.  I hope you enjoyed them.  I sure did.

Here’s the man himself with his special lady friend:

 I love that big boy.  So if you see him around town sometime, a drink’s on you.

Log Jammin’

The top 5 ways to lose a game:

1.) Calling an end-around during a two-minute drill, and having your player fumble the ball on said end-around

2.) Your star running back fumbling the ball three times

3.) Your usually automatic kicker missing a 38-yard field goal in perfect weather

4.) Throwing an interception just after your defense hands you great field position

5.) Having your dick bitten by a police horse prior to kickoff

All but one of these happened to the Dolphins yesterday. And yet, they still managed to pull off the win, keeping their playoff hopes alive and keeping us all sane. How did they do this? I have no fucking idea. But they did. And it’s pretty cool.

All game long, we just waited for Jacksonville to take advantage of all the ways the Dolphins refused to finish the shit off. We were waiting for that crazy David Garrard scramble that would keep a play alive, while he threw a rocket to the back of the endzone to Ernest Wilford for the game-winning TD, giving Kevin Harlan a massive orgasm in the process. Because that’s just the kind of shit you expect to happen when you’re a fan of this fucking team. And since the Dolphins simply wouldn’t put the game away, we waited. And waited. And waited. And it never came.

Some might say luck had something to do with it. To those people, we offer a hardy fuck you with a rusty pipe wrench because this had less to do with luck and more to do with some kickass play by our onceshit-the-bed-in-the-fourth-quarter defense. Aside from one drive, where they let Torry Holt get passed them on a 61-yard pass play, as well as a few bad penalties that eventually resulted in Jacksonville’s lone TD, the defense was simply lights out. Also, who knew Torry Holt was still alive?

The Dolphins offense turned the ball over three times, yet the Jaguars managed to score no points off those turnovers. Led again by the stellar play of Randy Starks, the Fins held the Jags to just 217 total yards, clamped down on Maurice Jones-Drew and beat the ever living shit out of David Garrard with three sacks. The D also forced six three-and-outs on Jacksonville’s first eight possessions, and held them to just 3 points in the entire second half. And, most importantly, showed the fuck up in the fourth quarter — stopping the Jaguars not once, but twice, when the game was on the line. With 1:20 left in regulation, the Dolphin D brought the proverbial hammer down on Jacksonville’s proverbial cocks on a 4th and 3, and then on the final drive of the game, unleashed Cameron Wake on their asses. Wake then proceeded to sack Garrard, ending the game, and keeping us in the thick of it. Cameron Wake is fucking awesome.

So now, with three games left to play, the Fins find themselves in a logjam with the Ravens, Jets, Steelers, Titans and Jaguars for that coveted final playoff spot. Every. Game. Counts. If the Dolphins win out, they need the Ravens to lose just one to earn a Wildcard. If the Fins win out, they need the Patriots to lose just one to win the AFC East. If the Fins lose, they need a whole bunch of scenarios to play out for them to get in. So, how bout we just keep winning, and let the other assholes figure their own shit out.

Next week, we travel to Tennessee. For now, we pop open some cold ones and ease into another Victory Monday. Thanks in large part to the defense and their ass-kicking ways.

Keys To The Game: Dolphins @ Jags

 Apparently only Jags cheerleader worth a shit as she makes up 67% of all Google image search results

posted by DatRoroKid

To give you an idea of how important this game is this week and how much the season is on the line, I just received a phone call from suddenly nervous and pacing commenter theotherdan.  He just kept reiterating how ‘very nervous’ this game has him to the point that his hands are shaking and he’s all by himself in a room just thinking about this game.  To call this game huge would be a disservice to how Lexington Steele cock-sized those 60 minutes are going to be.  Just looking around in my research I was getting excited.  These are two good teams going at each other and fighting for the same thing:  an elusive playoff spot that teams like the Steelers will not be earning this year.  It’s going to be a rock ‘em, sock ‘em affair.  Jax will come at us with their pounding running game and The Dude fantasy friend Mike Sims-Walker over the top; we’ll come at them with Ricky and timely short routes from an evolving Robot.  There is a chance to dominate this game but Jacksonville can do what’s it done all year:  sneakily hang around just under the radar until the clock expires and you wonder how the hell you lost that game.  We beat Buffalo two weeks ago like we should have and all this is moot for the time being.  We need to come out guns blazing against these guys.

The Keys

- No surprise that this team begins and ends with Maurice Jones-Drew.  If we can limit him the way we’ve done all year with other explosive backs like Darren Sproles and Michael Turner, we can shutdown the basis of their entire offense and deal with an erratic Garrard.  Every good game he’s hadthis year, he’s followed up with a no-show or bad game.  It’s crucial for us to keep that season-long habit going.

- Take advantage of Jacksonville’s shitty line play on both sides of the ball.  One sack combined all year from Derrick Harvey and Quentin Groves shouldn’t instill too much fear on a line where we have a lot of confidence in plugging a number of guys in to keep them fresh.  While on the other side of the ball, Garrard has been sacked 32 times.  There’s a chance for us to really exploit this team if we can get ahead early.  If we can force them to pass on most downs, then we can look for a much-needed 7 sack performance from our defense.  Cameron Wake needs to be in during obvious passing downs.  There’s no excuse anymore.  Unleash the beast!

- No letoff for our rookie corners.  After facing a Murderer’s Row of Pro Bowl receivers recently, they get a bit of a break this week with aging Torry Holt and 2009 bed-hopping, flight-missing sensation MSW.  This shouldn’t mean shit to them and I expect VD to be his usual physical self and for Sean Smith to snag that first INT of the season.  It’s time.

- Nice game by our receivers last week.  Great routes, good separation, good concentration and they made all the necessary catches with great awareness for YAC.  We cannot have a letdown in this category.  We need the receivers to continue to make plays if we want to advance into the postseason.

- Continue our December dominance under TITS.  Unlike the Wannstedt era, we have thrived during December.  We have a weather-advantageous schedule this year that we must FINISH THE SHIT OFF in.

- Jags have won 5 straight at home.  We must get ahead early.  Trying that opening drive bomb to Ted Ginn again might not be such a bad idea.

- The special teams have been quietly consistent and this worries me some.  Just keep plugging away boys.

- Spell Ricky with more Lex.  Let that child abused sonuvabitch have his way with the Jax defenders as the game wears on.  We need to save Ricky as much as possible.

- This team has pretty good 3rd down defense.  We must keep 3rd downs as manageable as we’ve done all year and I think that will be extremely key (of all the Keys) in a grind-’em-out kinda game like this one.

- No ‘fuck you’ game by converted TE, useless sack of shit Ernest Wilford.  NO. NONONONONONONONONONO!!!

Prediction: Dolphins 31 – Jags 17.  Henne shows greater maturation, actually completes a screen pass.

More here.

Go Dolphins!

The Robot Chad Henne Will Ruin Your Gameplanning

 The Robot Chad Henne ... is watching you masturbate

Not sure if it was NFL Live or SportsCenter, but this morning I heard one of ESPN’s myriad of ex-jocks say that the Dolphins are now officially the team nobody wants to face. What a difference a giant-pair-of-tits win over the Patriots following a giant-pile-of-shit loss to the Bills makes. This ex-jock — if memory serves, it was Mark Schlereth, because he used a lot of “Let me tell you something about this Miami Dolphins football team” and “That’s what it takes to win in the National Football League” lines — said that the Dolphins can beat you in a number of ways on offense now, thanks to the recent play of Chad Henne.

And, according to this Jacksonville.com article (complete with super-clever headline!), the Jaguars are well aware of this:

The Jaguars need to prepare for every conceivable facet of offensive football – whether it’s wildcat, shotgun, I-formation or anything else – in anticipating the Dolphins’ choice of attack headed into Sunday’s showdown.

Blame a lot of that on Dolphins quarterback Chad Henne.

“Chad Henne has kind of taken over, pumped some life into them,” Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio said.

Damn right he has. And unless your name is JerryD, pretty much the entire football watching planet witnessed a young QB emerge as a guy every team needs to start taking seriously and taking into account. Here’s NFL game-tape guru Greg Cossell’s take on Henne’s performance against the Patriots:

Henne excellent arm strength, He snapped the ball with good velocity – He threw the ball well to the outside, with consistent accuracy… very impressive overall from a poise and comfort standpoint; Did not play fast from either a mental or physical standpoint, Was consistently decisive with his reads and throws… a tough pocket mentality, Stands tall and firm, Showed no inclination to leave the pocket too early. Henne overthrew a wide open Polite on a wheel route on the final drive; Other than the interception, which was a bad read and bad decision, it was his only inaccurate throw of the game. 4th + 6 completion to Camarillo on game winning drive was the same play they converted on game winning drive to beat the Jets in week 5 on Monday night, It was designed movement and a sideline comeback to Camarillo.

As we can plainly see, as long as Henne keeps playing this way, we’re learning that defenses are going to have to start adjusting to both the air and ground attack the Dolphins are bringing. We’re also learning that machines are our friends. They’re here to help us live better lives, with their convenience, their ability to enable us to access and retain more information than ever before, their ability to throw strong accurate passes, and their ability to kick opposing secondaries in the crotch til they puke their pancreas.

Dan Carpenter Wins AFC Special Teams Player of the Week, Tom Brady’s Baby Approves

Well it looks like Dan Carpenter should call Tom Brady’s baby to thank him, because he’s been named the AFC Special Teams Player of the Week!*

We haven’t talked about him much here on FN** but Dan Carpenter has been a banging fucking kicker for our Dolphins since the Trifecta brought him in last season. Even bringing in another kicker to compete for the job during the offseason didn’t seem to faze DC, although I’d like to think that the Trifecta brought in that other guy just to be dicks, because, you know, he’s a kicker.

And this year he’s been even better. I don’t have the stats in front of me because anyone that looks up kicker stats deserves a full on Israeli Martial Arts & Self-Defense cross-chop to the balls. But I’m going to take a guess and say he’s missed just one field goal this year. And with the way our offense can get hit with a dose of The Suck every now and then, I’m also gonna guess that he’s hit a shitload of field goals.

Whatever the stats, DC’s been clutch. Was there any doubt he’d hit that 41-yard game-winning kick against the Pats last Sunday? Fuck and no.

It feels good to finally have a kicker who doesn’t blame the length of the grass for missing chip-shot 23-yarders or kickers who inexplicably wear gloves in 98 degree weather.

Also, he totally looks like a guy you’d hang with and knock back a few cold ones at a ballgame. Well, to you he looks like that. To me he looks like the guy that sells me my pot.***

-

*Dan Carpenter, not Tom Brady’s baby

**pretty much never

***Dear Mom, “pot” is actually the term our generation uses for “churros.” Honest!

It’s Official: ESPN Won’t Stop Slurping on the Patriots’ C-cks, Even After They Get Their Asses Handed To Them

It’s always been well known among Dolphins fans how ESPN loves to love Tom Brady and the Patriots. And we’ve grown accustomed to them explaining away our kicking their asses over the years on some strange anomaly that may have occurred during the game (oh my, they were tricked by the Wildcat and a wizard’s spell!), and never actually focus on the Dolphins being better as a reason. Inconceivable! Even after this Sunday, when the entire ESPN cabal of “experts” picked the Patriots to demolish the Fins, and then that didn’t happen, the Primetime crew devoted an entire segment on “What Went Wrong With the Patriots?” and not on, you know, “How The Dolphins Kicked Major Patriot Ass!” But whatever. ESPN resides in fucking New England, and if it’s not Patriots, Favre, Yankees or Red Sox, then fuck you America! We don’t like it, but it is what it is (Thank Christ for NFL Network. SERIOUSLY).

But then comes this nugget of a blog post from ESPN AFC East writer Tim Graham:

Maybe this is why Tom Brady was having so much trouble in the second half on the road. And I’m not joking. I wish I would have explored this possibility sooner. People magazine has reported Brady’s wife, superdupermodel Gisele Bundchen, has delivered a son. People didn’t provide details of the birth, but it apparently happened since Sunday’s loss to the Miami Dolphins in Land Shark Stadium.  It’s not ridiculous to consider the stress of impending fatherhood was weighing on Brady, probably not in September, but in recent weeks, when he has been anything but Tom Terrific in the second halves of road games. In retrospect, he might have been more preoccupied with getting back home than with the task at hand.  Pshaw, you say. Tom Brady is a gamer. He wouldn’t let something like that affect him….

And there you go. We didn’t so much beat Brady and the Patriots as his wife was having a baby. Yes. There has to be an explanation for poor Tawmmy Brady’s shitty play in the second half Sunday other than him just simply getting his ass kicked! There just HAS to be. That isn’t supposed to happen to Tawmmy! Brady playing poorly against the Dolphins??? Pshaw! No way did Brady’s shitty play in the second half of Sunday’s game have anything to do with half-time adjustments and stellar play by the Dolphin front seven and secondary. No way was that Vontae Davis interception in the endzone an amazing display of athleticism and an awareness that Brady likes to throw to Moss’ right shoulder in the corner. And Randy Starks plowing through Matt Light and their vaunted offensive line and disrupting poor Tawmmy’s timing all afternoon??? Pfffftt. Clearly that was because his superdupermodel wife was having a kid! Cameron Wake destroying his blockers and bringing him down, causing Tawmmy to throw that INT to seal the game at the end?? COME ON! No way! Tawmmy Brady would nevah do that! NEVAH!

No, no, no, no. A much sounder and intelligent theory is that he had his wife giving birth on his mind. That’s totally it! Good job, ESPN! Way to crack the mystery!

Oh, I got an even better theory, ESPN. How about you shut the fuck up and eat my dick? How does that theory grab ya?

(’Futility’ photo courtesy of KendallGringo)

JT Makes SI.com’s All-Decade Team

Sports Illustrated’s Peter King took a few moments away from knob slobbing Brett Favre and mundanely blathering about varying Starbucks throughout the country’s airports to schlep together hisAll-Decade Team. And he named Jason Taylor as the defensive end.

JT beat out Michael Strahan, which to me is like, “Pfft… of course!” but to others it’s all, “Wow… that’s a good debate right there!” And to those people I say, go blow an otter. Because there is no debate.

Since 2000, JT has amassed 104 sacks, 6 interceptions, 35 forced fumbles, scored 7 touchdowns, recorded 317 tackles, and once stopped a volcano from erupting with his nutsack. Strahan, meanwhile, recorded 89 sacks, 0 interceptions, 15 forced fumbles, and just 1 touchdown since 2000. Strahan also once tried to stop a small family bar-b-que grill grease fire with his nutsack but only managed to singe his pubes (and ruin the burgers in the process).

There’s no question who the baddest mo fo low down around this town in this decade is.

It’s 99 and his amazing feats of kick-assery. Just ask Tom Brady and the Jason-Taylor-fist-shaped hole in his anal cavity.

Say Yes To VD!

Thanks to his ballstastic shutdown performance against Randy Moss and Tom Brady on Sunday, Vontae Davis is up for this week’s NFL’s Pepsi Rookie of the Week award. So go vote for him. VD had two tackles, a pass defended and the key interception in the endzone that helped pave the way for the win.  Asked about his big-play potential when they drafted him, Tony Sparano said VD is a “take-charge guy.” And, with that INT and Moss being held to just two catches Sunday, we’re beginning to see that.

You too can be a “take-charge guy” if you’d just apply yourself. Like, for example, an airline pilot. And by that, I mean smacking stewardesses in their ass and drinking lots and lots of scotch before takeoff.

You screwed it all up, k

As is custom after every win, we give you Tony Sparano’s post-game speech before Peezy leads them in his prepubescent cracked-voice We Ride chant.

Video Here.

Best line of the speech: ”We’re not out. We’re just gettin started. You threw yourself right in the middle of this, and you screwed it all up — just the way we wanna be…”

Translation: Everyone expected the Patriots to be running away with the AFC East right now, but we done fucked up those plans.

Goddamit I fucking love these guys!